4 Ways to Spot Backstabbers Before it’s Too Late
Vinod’s comment on the Leadership Freak blog, “Sweet Backstabbers,” set my mind a buzz. He said, “How to identify such people (backstabbers) at the earliest to avoid excessive bleeding.” Great comment.
Here’s the challenge. Backstabbers seem to be your friend. In reality, they live on the fringes of social protocol; manipulating information for their own advantage. In the process, they damage others out of; self-protection, revenge, or enjoyment. They are hard to identify, it’s usually too late.
My gut response to Vinod was, “You can’t identify a back stabber until you’re cut and covered in your own blood.” That didn’t seem like a good answer so I discussed it with my wife and then went around the office asking questions. Here’s the result.
Four suggestions for spotting stabbers
- Backstabbers know office gossip. Slicing someone requires inside information and they have it.
- Backstabbers whisper. Be careful with this one. Not all whisperers are backstabbers. However, backstabber-whispering reflects a desire to hear tasty morsels of secret information.
- Backstabbers flatter. Flattery is smooth speech that inflates someone’s ego. Once they’re inflated, they’re easy prey. For example, a backstabber might compliment your ability to create strategy. They follow this by a request for strategic advice. In your puffed up state you freely give it. The backstabber takes the advice and if the project fails, it becomes your idea.
- Backstabbers cut others off at the knees. If they cut others, they’ll cut you.
How would you spot a backstabber before it’s too late?
One of my so-called best friends for years has been openly back stabbing and plotting against me for years. We have even had a serious falling out but she found a way to creep right back into my life. I could swear she is so envious of me, wishes she was me and would die if she could not have access to me in order to live vicariously through me. Its sickening, how she takes pleasure in my losses, failures and mistakes. She gains information about me and then goes behind my back and tells every Tom Dick and Harry about my private life, or failings or marital issues, all the while painting a perfect picture of her life, her achievements and her material gains. I don’t know why I can’t shake her out of my life. I have tried over the years since high school but she is always there as a shoulder to cry on and knows my entire history. Like a moth to the flame is all I can say…..witchcraft LOL
Queenie…thanks for your candor. Maybe some Leadership Freak readers will have some suggestions. Regards, Dan
Queenie, I happen to know that backstabbers would be so frustrated if they aren’t receiving the attention they are trying to get through betrayal. Everyone has a problem, queens, so, you just ignore her and ignore all the things that are being thrown at you. You only live your life once. So, as a lesson, NEVER endorse at telling others what your problems are.
You got your parents for that. You must at least have a family member. If you have neither, I find that, theistically, prayers would do. Well, if you’re an atheist, I think you should develop a way where you can express yourself without having future repercussions.
So, what I’m trying to say is, when you’re surrounded with problems (failings or marital issues), you just get back to the level which allows you to think rationally and logically. You do that, queens; you may find solutions as well.
It helped me. It might help you. Good luck, although your comment has been for three years.
Geez that is awful. I would just STOP calling her…. If she calls you just don’t answer her calls.
If she eventually SEES you, and confronts you as to why you haven’t called her….
Just say, “I have been busy.” If she continues just say….”sorry, but there’s somethings I needed to do.”
“I’ve gotta go. Talk later. Bye.”
WALK AWAY!
She is NO friend.
Queenie,
Stop leaning to one side….you’re going in circles. Stand up straight and walk away from your “friend”.
Life is too short and you are too valuable of a person (I’m sure of it) to allow someone like that in your life.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Show her the door, don’t answer her calls & remove her from your life. That is the only way to deal with it. It’s hard – I have had to do it but life is better in the long run – good luck!
Backstabbers almost always self-identify … it’s just that they do so with subtlety. We want to believe in the best of others, and backstabbers play on that. The best defense is having a reputation that is built on character, performance and kindness.
AJ,
Thanks for a no nonsense reply. Don’t play on the field with a backstabber.
Regards,
Dan
I loved a quote I read recently by Hugh Macleod — “the more talented someone is the less they need the props.” I think there’s a parallel there with the backstabbing crowd. “The more centered/grounded someone is, the less they need to erode others’ confidence/productivity.”
Paula, I agree completely. Dan
hey,
i didn’t get the meaning.
Please elaborate.
Ashkat, what I was getting at is that is someone is so ungrounded and out-of-touch with their own self confidence and power, they seek power by doing negative things to others.
Someone who is centered, grounded, and self-assured does not need to resort to the negativity which distracts everyone, not just the people involved, from the goal at hand.
I have found that backstabbers like to create alliances, as if they are on the show “Survivor,” and make themselves hard to get to know so that there’s more of an allure. If they make you feel like you want to be in the ‘in’ group, and there’s a sense of power with how they talk, you will most likely get swallowed up. As you get ‘closer’ to the backstabber, they will show you how they deal with people who have fallen out of favor. Watch carefully, because when they need to cover their ass it will be your turn to get cast off.
I think the strength of the allure and the illusion of power are directly proportional to the disappointment in being discarded. Rather than not trust I have found the solution is to avoid those people who seek to divide by creating in-group/out-group environments. Generally, if someone tells me something about anyone else I do not trust them with my secrets.
Mitchell,
Great comment…filled with insights. I particularly enjoy the in-group/out-group idea. I think its on the mark.
Thanks for giving your first comment.
Best
Dan
This kind of behavior can kill a team and prevent it from performing its purpose and accomplishing its mission. Patrick Lencioni calls it “the absence of trust” in his book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. Leaders in the organization need to spot and deal with this stuff quickly but more importantly team members need to recognize it and call each other out on it, simply not participating in gossip does not disable the effect on a team, it just keeps it underground.
Kim,
Thanks for adding substance to the conversation. You have to love The Five Dysfunctions.
You are another first time commenter. I hope your future looks bright.
Thanks
Dan
Interesting reading, thank you. Backstabbers can also be identified by what they allow to passively happen.
For instance, I relocated a team to new office space. When the employees came in, they thanked me for having the whole move done first thing that morning. I quickly explained that it was only completed early because my IT Manager had come in (unexpectedly) on the weekend and taken care of all the tech work. It was important to me that the staff knew how hard he had worked and that he was primarily responsible for the easy transition.
I have worked for others, though, that would stand there, accept the praise, and say nothing about the efforts of others. There really isn’t anything specific to point to as a lie, just a missed opportunity to clear up a misconception. That’s a sneaky way to backstab someone while still seeming “above the fray.”
My two cents, anyway.
Site,
Good one! You’ve added an important dimension to the discussion. Thanks and thanks for your first time comment. Keep’em coming
Regards,
Dan
Backstabbing is a form of bullying. They need to be controlling. Segregation is step one in the process. Control of information is the next step. Isolation is the finial step.
In the work place, I have had success using immediate and direct comment addressing the behavior. Be prepared, it will be a process.
Tim,
You aren’t the first who has told me they deal directly with this type of behavior. Thanks for your comment
Best to you,
Dan
Great topic and discussion here, thanks. I always feel like those backstabbers have never grown beyond being a 15-yr-old high school bully. Remember that bully from your high school? That’s how you recognize the backstabber in your office!
Also, I would say it’s best to fight any urge of needing to belong to some group just to have an identity and feel good. Like AJ mentioned, build on your own character and identity, and just be your own group.
Stefan,
Thanks for leaving your first comment on Leadership Freak. Brining bullying into the conversation is useful. Others agree that bully’s haven’t grown up. This HBR blog adds to your comments. http://blogs.hbr.org/research/2010/03/create-a-bullyfree-workplace.html.
I look forward to your future comments,
Dan
This speaks to A.J.’s comment about character. It’s interesting how many back-stabbers feel the need to constantly talk themselves up, (as if they’re campaigning for an election), telling people how good, moral, wonderful, etc. they are. People who actually have a strong moral character don’t need to tell people about it. It’s evident by their actions.
“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.” Joseph Goebbels
John,
Thanks for pointing out that talkers may be speaking out of what they don’t have. I think thats true.
Yet, its true that backstabbers may succeed if they tell their lie long enough. Sad but true.
Cheers,
Dan
Hello, I am just reading your blog because of an issue I am having. This particular comment struck me because it says that if a person is expressing themselves to be good and moral and a good team player, it makes them bad. I have to say that I have only had to recently do this because someone in the office has been such a bad backstabber, I feel this is the only way I can defend myself without loosing my job. Unfortunately my current boss has not been in my office location enough to see what I have really been doing for the past eight months and since the BS person came back to the office from maternity leave and found out I was the team lead, they have put a wrench into everything I have tried to do. Beside the fact that I have had 3 major surgeries over the past year I know I have done a good job regardless but this person has not acted as a team player (she doesn’t know this concept as much as I have tried to explain it) and I have always only treated her as such. Since coming back, she has manipulated projects I have worked on, will refuse to do anything I ask her to do to help out the team and I know for a fact that she has been talking much trash behind my back to the rest of my team. All I can do is look forward with much work ahead and hope that management can see it, I can only express so much to them. It’s a high paced and difficult environment which I actually love and unfortunately, she is spreading word around the office how bad of a person that I am, and I am far from that! People can change others perseptions of people so easily. It’s a shame!
Perception 🙂 lol
Dear Dan,
Your observation is fantastic. I absolutely agree with you. Specifiacally I like “The backstabber takes the advice and if the project fails, it becomes your idea”. line. It is a classic observation and prevails almost everywhere. The others symptom to find backstabbers which I have observed is that They generally smile, soft speak, sit late, come early.They also shift higher responsibilty to others and take mundane work and show that they are overburdened. For work, they always say that I do not have time because I have lot of work to do. In fact they are the most free people, They always look busy and their room, desk or cabin is in hodge podge condition. They are highly disorganised in work related matter but highly orgnised and strategic to make issue, rumor and propoganda out of nothing. They are expert in exeggerating things from moole to mountain. The root casuse of backstabbing is incompetency and incapability. The other symptom is that they distort information and make it more spicy and attractive. The best way to spread any information in faster way is to whisper into their ears and request them not to spread because it is sensititve and I am telling to you only. This thing can be tested. These people use office infrastructure and facilities more than anyone else. They pretend to be highly honest, spiritual and most committed person in the organisation. These people do not hold any value, for them creating space and enjoying in that space is the value. These people gossip more than anybody and usually organise lunch in group. They mix up with others more than anybody. In my personal experience, I have seen the family health of these kind of people, They have usually shattered , broken and unhappy family.
Dear Ajay,
Love all your descriptions of the way backstabbers behave. Very insightful. Different people popped into my head the more I read your comment.
Thanks for adding to the conversation.
Best to you,
Dan
Ajay is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. YOu can read his bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/ajay-gupta
Lol right on Ajay. I am currently losing sleep over such a coworker at work. My brain understands that it’s stupid to do so and so not worth it. But it’s human nature to feel upset because everyone around you seems so enamored by this person….it’s like only you can see through who this person really is. Anyway, only time will tell who can withstand the real work related challenges.
Backstabbers don’t just know the office gossip – they ARE the office gossip. With a twist. (That will be the knife). It’s tempting to try and diagnose their motives – but at the end of the day, I don’t care whether they are closet bullies flexing their power muscles or trying to establish their own worth by diminishing others or just trying to stir the pot for the sheer fun of watching the fall-out. Neither “harmless” gossip nor back-stabbing can survive or thrive without a receptive audience. Time for a courageous conversation!
Rusti-Ann,
Great addition to the conversation. Someone has to listen for backstabbing to occur. Without a listener backstabbers are stabbing at the air.
Very cool,
Thanks,
Dan
I really need help with this issue at work. There’s a staff member who intentionally withheld information I needed to do my job properly. I coordinate reception for uni campuses and she is the key person for one of them. She has her preferred casuals/slaves who do whatever she says and cover up for her mistakes and she was furious when our manager told her she’d have to cut them loose and liaise with me. So, she played me for a fool, manipulated everything so I can look bad and worst of all sent me emails ending with “have a lovely weekend with your family, I’m off to our beach house to do some cleaning, lovely talking to you, etc” and of course she Cc-ed the manager in all of them. Now, my work is cut down and she’s got her personal ‘casuals’ back with massive hours!
Gaby,
I wish your story was unique. Sadly, it isn’t. Withholding information is a classic strategy for backstabbers. Plus, being set up via email.
Hopefully you learned your lesson with this person.
You have my best wishes,
DAn
hello, m jessica …now im intern in homoeopathic medical college in india…
when i was in first year a girl befreinded me…. she seemed simple with no hidden motives… she gave my no to ssome of her nasty friends .also she made me break upp with my good friends …i was obviously superior to her … i n alll respects .she had been back stabbing me , using my resources money , contatc everything…. she cheated in exams , made big lies & said shit about me everywhere.somewhere in 3 year she got chicken pox n went for a leave ..this time one of my friends wiht whom i had broken up came up to me n i then found whatt was she doing with me…wen she returned i bursted out on her … n loudly declared her to be a cheat n bitch
til date she says dirty things behind my back which hurt m to the core … n also m not frinds with those people who she has befriended …IT HAS BROUGHT DOWN MY SELF ESTEEM…could there be some help
I should add that a person should watch their back the moment someone who is not usually helpful, suddenly becomes very helpful.
I ran into that situation a few days before I lost my job. One of my co-workers, a person who wasn’t known for going out of her way to help me, practically fell over herself to help me during a stressful shift. I immediately became suspicious. It’s a shame that I didn’t confront her then and there, because a few days later I found out that she had been listed as a so-called “witness” when another co-worker filed a complaint against me that got me fired.
When your spider senses start to tingle, you may want to listen to them because there’s usually a good reason.
Really interesting comment Linda. thanks
Hello guy,
I’m still new at the school area and apparently came through some painful experiences of backstabbing. Coming from a guy actually. He apparently came into contact with some people who are quite close to me to get the dirt/info. Afterwards went on a spree discussing about my shortcoming among my fellow coworkers. I became to topic of discussion as everyone I guess is bored with their own life. I guess it’s considered an amusement for them. Not even that they even criticize me for every little things. Obviously they do not like me. I guess this would be considered bullying
The event has been really traumatic for me that I became afraid of people. It took a long time for me to get over it.
But the thing is he’s constantly asking about me. What I’m up to, how everything and just doesn’t leave me alone. Apparently I became the center of attention where I never wanted to in the first place.
I am in a school where the “in kids” are made up of lying, cheating, and fake impressions. The thing about backstabbers is that they manage to make two faces pretty, so you need to be careful on who is pretending and who isn’t. Generally, if the person you’re talking to talks to you about other people, then you really shouldn’t tell them a secret of yours that you don’t want to go viral. If a rumor gets back to you about you, and you know you only told it to one or two people, watch them carefully. Usually you can’t spot a backstabber until it’s too late, so if there’s someone you think may be one of those “friends” then watch them. Carefully. If you hear them talking, and it’s about you, don’t wait and tell them later, walk in right then. DO NOT put off dealing with someone you know is telling your secrets!!! Hope this helps!
Backstabber is another name for bully. They both use the same tactics. It’s amazing to me that over and over we hear where management seems to be oblivious to this well known behavior. Perhaps all managers/owners of businesses should take a course on how NOT to be lead around by the nose and learn how to judge people on their own character, not the office gossip or the “in” group. It has to start somewhere no we have to figure out the stop.
Backstabbers are always the first to try to ingraciate themselves with you when you start a new job. Always best to be reserved and not form alliances until you know the lay of the land.
Well done piece. Sad behavor.