Listen for and speak to fears
My dad’s first words when I told him about my new job were, “It’s not very close to home.” I was in Missouri, he was in Maine and the job was in Pennsylvania. I heard his words but I didn’t hear the message. It seemed closer to me. I resisted his words, observed that he was right and moved with my young family to live in the greater Philadelphia area.
It sounds silly that I heard the words but didn’t hear the concern. My only excuses are youth and enthusiasm.
Today, now that my own children are out and on their own, I know what he meant. It wasn’t geography. It was relationship.
Everyday people speak partial truths. My dad didn’t say, “I want to stay connected with you.” He didn’t say, “I’ll miss my grandchildren.” He said the easier, less revealing truth.
Most of the time, everyone says the easier less revealing, less vulnerable truth. Most of the time, we speak to surface issues and protect our secrets. Usually that’s a good thing.
You’ll connect more deeply if you listen for and speak to fears. Not every time and not in public. But once in a while, dip below the surface and let those around you know that you understand their concerns.
The best time to do this is during tension and stress. When procedures are changing and support staff is frustrated, listen for and speak to fears. When business is down listen for and speak to fears.
You don’t have to give an answer or solve their fears. You don’t have to give reasons or make excuses. Sometimes it’s enough to let them know that you know.
*****
How can you listen to and speak to the fears of those around you? What might keep you from doing this?
*****
Leadership Freak
Dan Rockwell
Thank you Dan.
I’m reminded of the story my mother tells when she left to go to nurses training during World War II. It was a 45 minute bus ride from her home in Interlaken, NY to Elmira. My grandfather told her point blank she was deserting the family. She got on that bus watching her Dad stand there and cry.
Our son and his family live in Southeast Asia. With the advent of Skype it helps. We’ve never felt deserted, but it is hard being that far away from our three grand children. We’ve tried to never let our feelings get in the way of their doing what God has called them to do. So there hasn’t been the surface comments that belie a deeper emotion.
Blessings,
Dave
“dm”
Your comment is the second I read this morning that is filled with truth and emotion. You have my respect for sharing part of your story.
If you want to see the other comment go to http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/2010/03/11/purposeful-abandonment/ and look for Victoria’s comment. (right now its at the bottom) It’s filled with emotion.
This blogging thing is turning into something much more than a fun way to express what I’m thinking about.
Thank you,
Dan
How can you listen to and speak to the fears of those around you? What might keep you from doing this?
I think part of listening to the fears of those around us is choosing the timing. Frequently if there is a group, it is easy for those fears to catch on like wildfire, especially in the guise of humor/sarcasm/criticism. Helping your coworker get out of groupthink mentality sometimes involves speaking with them/listening to them one on one.
Great post, Dan.
Paula,
I hadn’t thought about humor/sarcasm/criticism as a window into fears. Thank you.
Best,
Dan
Sometimes it’s perfect to simply acknowledge “I hear you and I care about you.”
If you’re not able to listen to yourself you’ll probably have a hard time hearing others.
Tracy,
Glad you express the idea..”I hear you and I care.” Lets face it, sometimes the answer isn’t what everyone wants. For example, during cut backs someone has to go. However, we can still listen for and speak to fears.
Cheers,
Dan
Dan,
Wow. What a poignant message. I appreciate that you shared this amazing personal insight and were able to connect it to opportunities we have everyday.
As a result of reading this, I am going to be more vigilant in my communication with others (especially my dad!), because the underlying message is often unheard.
Keep blogging…it’s definitely more than a fun expression when in your gifted hands.
Peace,
Jen
Jen,
It always feels good to hear a good word! Thank you.
Love you blog and hope LF check it out. http://theexperiencefactor.com/the-x-blog/
It’s an honor to have you stop in…
DAn
I’m thinking – Fear is cyclical. When unspoken fears come out in other ways – rumors, etc, as Paula points out seem typical in my environment. That creates fear in others leading to more unhappiness and detachment. And so it goes, round and round.
Our organization is going through a great deal of change. Its good change – very intelligent, but poorly managed. I’ve decided we need a retreat. We’ll get a facility in a State Park to talk and play I’m going to work this concept in… because honestly, I have my fears too.
How can you listen to and speak to the fears of those around you? I’ll start by admitting I have fears. Nothing is written, and no one can make it alone, we’re dependent on one another. That’s a frightening thing – and reassuring. Maybe confronting fear is cyclical, as well. Why not.
What might keep you from doing this? Quite simply – fear. FDR said it best.
IM,
Thanks for a great comment that enhances this important discussion. I think you are right on with sharing your own fears as a way to help others. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to simply drown in your fears. It sounds like acknowledging how you feel becomes a powerful platform to move forward. The context of courage is fear. When we let out our fears then our courage has meaning. If we don’t let out our fears our courage may look like detachment, drivenness, or arrogance.
Best to you,
Dan
Dan,
Yesterday, a friend of mine and I had a conversation about each other’s fears. Most of time, I was just listening to her, as she’s going through difficult times in her private life.
Though we didn’t find answers to our questions, or solutions for our problems, we found more self-confidence to facing our challenges — and I think that that is essential. Our friendship also got stronger.
“You’ll connect more deeply if you listen for and speak to fears,” and “the best time to do this is during tension and stress” are absolutely truths; I felt that!
Regards,
Will.
PS: Btw, I started my apprenticeship yesterday too! I’ve never been happier before. For me, working for that research institute is like a dream coming true.
Willian,
I’ve been thinking about you so I’m delighted you stopped in. Thanks for your story. It’s a powerful illustration that encourages me and I’m sure others. Best to you in your new internship!
Regards,
Dan