Getting the most from anger
Seven days ago the Leadership Freak community let loose on “Whining Wednesday” and left a record number of comments explaining things that tick leaders off. It was fun and educational. (It’s not too late to pop over and leave your own gripe. Try it you’ll like it.)
Adding value to Whining Wednesday:
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#1. It feels good to let loose and complain. Too much complaining and life goes dark. On the other hand, occasional whining lightens the load. Leaders benefit from getting things off their chest. I hope you have someone that listens to you – a person who is not compelled to solve your complaints and doesn’t require explanations.
#2. Anger expresses values. For example, I wrote, “It really ticks me off when those going nowhere criticize those working to go somewhere.” I’m angry at visionless complainers because I value vision. Here are some other examples from last week’s comments.
Suze Q is ticked off at people who say, “We’ve always done it this way.” She values adaptability, innovation, and the ability to change.
Jim is ticked at, “People’s failure to make decisions.” Jim values courage, responsibility, and forward movement.
Amy said, “I hate it when people who have known you for years, believe someone else who is in authority, instead of you.” Amy values integrity and loyalty.
Lynnlee said, “People with big egos that know everything, but don’t know everything,” tick her off. Lynnlee values humble leaders who listen and learn. I bet she is a learner.
Admittedly, my observations are shots in the dark. However, they illustrate a powerful truth. One value of anger is it unveils values and values drive life. You’ll understand yourself and others when you look through their frustrations to the values anger expresses.
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Can you list other benefits of anger? What other tools or techniques can be used to understand others? When can venting go too far?
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Leadership Freak
Dan Rockwell
Great insights!
Anger can help us identify our triggers.
I read some research recently that found that when people are angry, they become more certain that they are right, and less open to other perspectives. If this is the case, it is wise for us to know when we are angry (and less open minded). Knowing our triggers can help us catch ourselves before we get to this point.
I’d sure hate to look back and realize I missed a great opportunity just because I was too angry to see it at the time!
Tim,
Thanks for poking me in the eye 😉 … I’m living proof that anger makes me RIGHT!
Great point. I’ve been right too many times when I was wrong.
Best to you,
Dan
We have a Narcissistic personality on our condo Board. She is totally manipulative and difficult to deal with. No one can get past her, or get her off the Board, because no one can handle her behaviour. I am hopping mad because she just got our Property Manager fired for no good reason, just complained and complained to his boss. She sits in an office somewhere all day and knows nothing of what happens here on a regular basis, neither does she know what a great worker this man was. I am spitting bullets this morning!
Trishanne,
Thanks for the comment. I’m running for cover 😉
Best to you and your condo board.
Dan
Trishanne,
Not that you asked for advice, but here are some tips you might consider short of hiring an assassin for dealing with your Narcissist. From http://blogs.bnet.com/entry-level/?p=1851
A blog post by Karen Leland on Web Worker Daily offers five tips from Connie Dieken, author of the book Talk Less, Say More:
* Give them options. Beneath their bluster, narcissistic people fear being left out of the loop. They crave control. It’s far better to offer them options to choose from, rather than feeding them ready-made decisions. They’ll tear other people’s decisions to shreds. Giving them options helps them feel respected and in control. It also prevents nasty hissy fits.
* Focus on solutions, not problems. When you explain a problem or a challenge to a narcissist, direct their attention to the solution. Don’t allow them to dissect the problem over and over again. Narcissists love drama and revel in the chaos. They’re easily agitated when frustrated. Define problems and present possible solutions, so they don’t smell blood in the water and tear you apart.
* Make them the hero. Narcissists are preoccupied with power and truly believe they are special and unique. They live for attention and admiration. Want them to do something? Tell them how great they are at it and watch them perform. Better yet, praise their performance in front of others. Just keep it real, please.
* Let them think it’s their idea. Narcissists often steal the credit for ideas that aren’t theirs. Why do they do that? Strangely, they truly believe that hijacked results are their own. Grabbing credit is a driving force for them. If this gets things done, I say learn to live with it. Over time, everyone will catch on — wink, wink. Meantime, graciously transferring credit for ideas to them makes things happen.
* Manage their emotional blind spot. Egomaniacs lack empathy. They’re so caught up in their own world that it doesn’t occur to them to consider your feelings or viewpoints. It’s a huge blind spot. You must put your own feelings on the table, if you choose to do so. Just be smart about sharing feelings with a narcissist. Brace yourself for the guilt trips and disparaging criticism that narcissists often dole out when others explain how they feel.
Good luck
Thanks for the comments on anger. I learned years ago that anger was the most destructive emotion, now I just learned another pitfall of anger. Thanks.
Good post, Dan.
Anger also signals people to back off when they’ve stepped on a boundary line, either purposely or inadvertently.
Venting goes too far when it indicates someone unwilling to change their circumstances over time (and who just enjoys producing bile). It also goes too far when it doesn’t take into account the other party’s situation. I pulled a friend’s husband aside recently to enlighten him on his partner’s situation – which he had ignored in rampant spewing. When he realized – really got that – her load at the moment was FAR heavier than his (multiple emergent issues), he apologized and tried to find ways to lighten her load.
Perspective and timing can be invaluable!
Tracy,
Great to see you again!
Love your insights into when venting goes too far. Once again you’ve added value to the conversation.
Best to you,
Dan
Tracy’s blog is at: http://tracyelpoured.wordpress.com/
Micro managing but especially micro managing of small things. ex: I was put “in-charge” of bringing 3 sample paper plates to a staff meeting for a “vote” for a volunteer appreciation banquet. Cmon its “paper plates”! and it required a vote on top of that! I guess that’s another whine, “Concensus building” on things that just aren’t significant!
Kim,
Way to go. I’m with you. Can’t we delegate the small stuff.
Be well,
Dan
Kim blogs at: http://kimhogue.blogspot.com/
Hi Dan,
Another good article from you, congrats. 🙂 You make me see angers in different perspective. Thanks. Below are my opinions.
1) I do believe that anger is a feeling which needs to be transmitted effectively. It’s okay to feel angry, but we must transmit it the wise way. This is to make sure that no damage done.
2) I do believe that leaders must be sensitive to all angers expressed towards them. Not all angers express values. Leaders must know how to differentiate between beneficial angers and destructive angers.
Syed Ali Ehsan.
Syed,
Great to see you again and thank you for the good word. I truly appreciate it.
I think you are right when you say, “Leaders must know how to differentiate between beneficial … ” Sometimes we should just let people vent. YOu know how it is when you are over tired and everything bothers you. All you need is a good nights rest.
Thanks you,
Dan
“Be angry but do not sin” – Ephesians 4:26
Anger is OK, but the do not sin part is very hard. It took me a long time to recognize and control my anger.
Jon,
If you have any secrets for controlling anger, I’m all ears!
Best to you,
Dan
I never thought about how valuable someone’s anger was in revealing what is important to them – LOVE that you pointed this out!
I prefer to use the word “frustrated” instead of angry because anger is such a waste of time. When I take it down a notch to frustrated, it’s somehow easier for me to analyze both sides…and I can let that particular situation go without jeopardizing the working relationship or risking discontent among my staff. Lord knows we don’t need people taking sides!
Thanks…
Darcy,
I like how you can take some of the emotion out of anger by choosing to name it frustration. Totally cool.
As someone already pointed out, emotions can obscure real issues.
I’m glad you stopped in today.
Dan
Hmmm… now this is pushing some buttons. I’ve never known a time when true anger has worked for me or for anyone else. Strangely though when MTB night riding the other night I caught up with my friend coming down hill and shouted “Come on Marcus GET ANGRY!!!” So what a hypocrite I am.
You cannot operate from anger you can only use it as a sign that you need to get your needs met fast or things are going to descend rapidly.
I spent years learning how to channel my anger and use the signs to serve me. I still fail periodically and i’m usually miserably disappointed afterwards.
One of the most rewarding moments of my life was when a narcissistic boss I had, completely lost her rag when challenged on a work matter. I stayed calm and composed throughout, respected her opinion, excused myself and left work for the day.
When I apologized to my wife she noted she was proud of me, as I had behaved with dignity and respect for both my boss and myself – which had certainly not been reciprocated.
The Pacific islanders and Maori have a term – Mana – and for me whenever I feel my ire being raised i think – how can we both retain our Mana?
Take out the negative emotion, turn it around, meet your need sand those of others, and forgive yourself when you fail miserably.
By the way Dan i think you would qualify as a Mana Jedi the way you conduct your blog.
Dear Dan, in my experience little angers not resolved can become one great big explosive anger from which there may be no pulling back. For examply, my first marriage failed because I bottled up the little angers until there was no holding them in and then nowhere to go to negotiate. I observe the same in many business relationships where a Tipping Point is reached and there can be no turning back into a productive and positive space from which a mutual way forward can be discovered.
Hi Dan,
As a result of my early military “non-nonsense” and overzealous precocupation to being a “prefectionist”, I have been endowed with a short fuse in temper. Fortunately, I had managed to tone down a lot, through self learning and help of my staff, friends and my own kids.
I am sucker for quotes. One that I came across whilst attending a religous festival way back in 1991 was, “Strive for excellence, not perfection. Excellence is man’s domain and leave perfection to god”. It was profoundly life changing for me, as I struggled through the web of the TQM crusade.
Nowadays, I draw reminder and inspiration from another quote hanging on my office door in checking my temperature rising!. I first saw it on Covey’s 7 habits as, “Oh Lord, give me the courage to change the things which can and ought to changed, the serenity to accept the things which can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference”. It certainly is a prayer and great tip to follow in anger management, especially when you have exhausted all your energy in dealing with toxic situations and difficult people. Actually, I am with Darcy’s views, when relating to anger at the wrokplace. The sign of anger is more tuned to unmet frustrations. Mine has more to do with failing to get authentic leadership buy to furthering the HR/Talent Management agenda.
I strongly believe ANGER can be a positive energy just like STRESS, provided we can convert it into proactive channels or purposes. Anger usually operates in the context of current situation relative to some future wants. Hence, workplace frustrations or dissatisfactions can be seen as a source of motivation for change. I recal Gleicher model for change as having “disatisfaction” as a critical component to overcoming the resistance to change. (D x V x P > R).
I like to thank all the contributors for their wonderful insights in sharing. Every one is a gem that is worth adopting and following.
I offer my deepest empathy to Trishanne in having to put up with “Nacissisist” characters at work. I am not so sure if what Jim shared from the book “Talk less, Say More” offers a permanent long term solution to addressing “nacissisism” at workplace, it does offer some solace in alleviating the pain victims go through. (How I wished I had my M16 😉
Best Wishes.