Connecting with the boss
Recently, a new Leadership Freak subscriber emailed their interest in the topic of “managing the boss.” What a great topic? I wish I’d received counsel on this essential skill when I was younger because your relationship with the boss will either make or break you.
On one occasion, I remember packing my office and preparing to leave the company I worked for. Did I hate my job? No. Did I have a better offer? No. I was butting heads with my boss. Thankfully, we sat down before I left and averted a personal disaster. However, conflict with the boss may explode and terminate your employment.
How important is connecting with your boss? I’ve heard it said, “People leave managers not companies.”
Five ways to connect with the boss
#1. Be a suck up. Sean Silverthorne explains that sucking up works to create feelings of good will. However, if this idea turns you off, let me offer more palatable options.
#2. Embrace your power. Help your boss succeed. Does she want a promotion? Help her get one. Is he riding out his job to retirement? Carefully innovate through – not around him. Think twice before threatening your boss’s position or goals.
#3. Ask your boss for advice and then take it. Even though this is #3 on the list, I think it’s your most powerful connector.
#4. Over-communicate. Typically, bosses need more information than managers provide. In contrast, an effective manager’s ability to work independently may result in minimal communication. Therefore, as a general rule, over communicate until you uncover his level of need for information.
#5. Adapt to your boss’s preferred communication style. Is it face-to-face, email, written reports, or informal conversations?
Bonus technique: Exceeding expectations with exceptional performance connects you with a secure boss.
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What strategies for connecting with the boss can you suggest? Do you have an example of a relationship with the boss that went well or badly?
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Community Announcement
The Leadership Freak article “De-motivation” generated a lively useful conversation. Thanks go out to Richard Croads for compiling all the reader comments and adding to the list of De-motivators. Read his blog, “Motivation Myths – Pt. 1,” and download the compiled list of De-motivators.
Hi Dan, firstly thank you for thanking me and pointing your readers to my blog post.
Add to your list – clarify expectations on tasks, moost delegation is poorly handled. I endorse fully the overcommunicate, which suited me more because I could never do the ‘suck-up’!
I also love the qualification on the bonus ‘…with a secure boss’. I think a secure boss is the precursor to any of this working other than perhaps “sucking -up” whichisi probaly best on an insecure boss 🙂 Richard
Richard,
Love the idea of taking responsibility to clarify expectations. You might call it, “help the boss delegate” or “help the boss get what they want.” On that note, clarifying the timeline goes a long way to effectively delivering outcomes.
For LF readers: Richard is a featured contributor to the LF blog. You can see a picture and read a brief bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/featured-contributors/
All the best,
Dan
I think to change the rule of the game. Why not boss connect to employees. Here expectation is the driver of connection. When mission, objectives and KRAs are in place, we need to check people on those parameters. We need to communicate, inform and suggest day to day development and what is the expected outcome. Why relation turns sour? I think boss keeps his ego over his position. If boss thinks he is a person like others and should give respect to get respect, then there is no problem. But,when boss thinks that he should command respect because of his position then problem arises. And this is the route cause of conflict in most of the cases. You can try it. it is a magical technique. Instead of sitting in cabin, just walk around and interact with people and try to listen them than to speak. This will give sense of connectivity,motivation,and pride to employees. One should be resilient to follow the boss as long as he is ethical and his decision does not harm career of any one. However, when you have to trade-off your values often, and your dignity and character are in danger, better you take decision than to adjust to the situation or boss. Boss is right as long as he is concerned about your progress and believe in team development. But he is not right, when he thinks for his own development on the cost of others sacrifice, and you should take decision. People who take decision, usually enjoy in terms of higher position, better reputation, better social prestige and more time for family as well. On the other hand, those who do not take decision, may feel comfortable in short run but suffer and repent in long run.
Ajay,
Thanks for opening the door to the other side of the discussion.
I hear you saying bosses who take a few simple steps like being available, demonstrating respect, and acting for the welfare of others will connect with their direct reports.
Best to you,
Dan
I almost blew what would eventually be one of my best relationships with a boss ever by making a HUGE mistake. She wanted all her phone calls answered in person. Voice mail had just come out and was the “new thing.” And I was her “new” assistant. I argued against having to answer all calls. After all, what the heck was the new technology for if not to use it. Yes, I was young and ambitious and did not take the cues from my boss (who was in the same meeting by the way) that she had specific reasons for having a live person answer her calls. Only when she practically stormed out of the meeting did I realize my error.
I was terrified. I thought for sure she would fire me. I went home that night an emotional wreck. Then I took a deep breath and reviewed the event and what I could do about it. Next day, after seeking counsel from someone else in the meeting, I swallowed my pride and went red-faced into my boss’ office and apologized for my behavior. I told her that I was out of line questioning her wishes without even asking WHY she wanted it that way. I said that I was there to help her and that’s what I would do and that I would not let it happen again. She accepted my apology, explained her reasoning, but also encouraged me to give her input in the future, but to abide by her final decisions. Whew! Everything worked out and I spent 8 GREAT years working for that boss.
Long story short, if you make a mistake, own up to it immediately, offer to fix it anyway you can, and tell the boss it will never happen again. And THEN, make sure it doesn’t. I’ve had to do the red-faced talk a couple times since with bosses, but it’s always worked out for the best and the bosses have ALWAYS appreciated my “confessions” to mistakes. We’re human. So are our bosses. I’m glad I matured enough to admit when I erred and to promptly correct my error. It has always resulted in a positive end.
P.S. I like #3 as well. Ask the boss for advice. I have found bosses LOVE to give advice and help their assistants to succeed. Once a boss has found a good match, they HATE having to ever lose that match and search again. 🙂
Cathy,
It’s authentic stories like yours that really add spice to the discussion. I’m thankful you came by and hope to see you again soon.
I hear you saying admitting you are wrong creates a connection with the boss. Great point.
Best to you,
Dan
The best boss I ever had recognized that I was overwhelmed, stopped my activity with a screeching halt, sat me down and said, “make a list.” Sound so simple, but her role modeling of prioritization was priceless.
On the “negative” side, one of my former bosses (still a coworker/I’m in a different unit) loved to say, “I pick and choose whose emails I actually read. When I was part of the “getting read” group I found it amusing. Once I thought I may be in the “not getting read” group I felt so incredibly disrespected. If my emails are that unwanted/trivial/ineffective I need to know, rather than being part of a “subclass” that is spoken publicly about (even if not by individual names). Yuck!
Paula,
Great to see you again. Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like listening to advice (even if you didn’t ask for it) help build a good relationship with your boss.
Oh, speaking of stories, I love your blog post at: http://waytenmom.blogspot.com/2010/06/five-decades-of-lessons.html
Best regards,
Dan
Dan, if I may be so bold to add a sixth way to connect with the boss…
#6 Understand what “motivates” your boss. David McClelland expanded on Henry Murray’s work exploring the motives that dominate a leaders needs. Although aspect of all three may be present, one motive typically dominates. The three motives are: Affiliation, Achievement and Power. To learn more about these motives and McClelland’s Theory of Needs go to: http://www.12manage.com/methods_mcclelland_theory_of_needs.html
You may need to register to gain access, but the website is free and full of great information.
Jim,
Great value add to the discussion. Love McClelland’s Theory of Needs. It’s so relevant to this discussion.
For LF readers, Jim is a featured contributor to the Leadership Freak blog. You can see a picture and read a short bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/featured-contributors/
Best Regards to you,
Dan
One strategy I try to use is viewing my “boss” as one of my customers, and the “service” that I provide is helping her to meet her goals (both that she’s been given, and that she herself has set).
Tim,
Clean, simple, actionable advice.
Thanks
Dan
The boss is a person…a human! Sometimes it may not exactly feel that way but if you can engage with someone as a person, regardless of their status then you are a “good person”. The same goes for our staff. Do we view them as subordinates who should do what they’re told? Or as humans, with families, lives, individual issues etc.
Engaging with ANYONE on a human level ie knowing a bit about their family and personal life and enquiring every now and again does wonders for improving relations…especially with the boss!
Mark,
I’ve been thinking about this component of work/organizational life. I like how you qualify your statements with “knowing a bit” and “every now and again.”
Too much interest in another’s life feels intrusive. I thinking limiting interest to public information is also important.
Thanks for bringing an added dimension to the discussion.
Best to you,
Dan
Hi, Dan!
Once again, a thought-provoking post. For a minute, I’ll play Devil’s advocate on this one:
I think it’s important for people to practice disconnecting with the boss. After all, leaders aren’t born from those who always find a way to please the boss. They are born from those who are willing to challenge convention. There’s far too much command-and-control in the workplace, and spending time finding ways to appease the boss, while a terrific exercise in human creativity and innovation, isn’t the best way to use that resource.
I believe that, if you truly want to build up your leadership skills, you have to build up your ability to disconnect. Check out this post over at my blog. Would love to know your thoughts!
http://myflexiblepencil.com/2010/05/24/leadership-not-for-followers/
David,
I appreciate you brining the “devil’s advocate” to the discussion.
I did go to your blog. Left a brief comment. Love the statement, “art of dissent.”
Thanks for leaving your link.
Dan
I agree with Mark that we’re all human and in relationship with one another. And honest communication is a key to a good relationship.
As far as the 5 ways to connect with your boss, #1 – I believe that ‘sucking up’ may initially create feelings of good will but only in the two of you – for a while. #2 – Never threaten your boss. If you’re truly convicted something should be said, think twice and then say it kindly. #3 – Advice implies you will take it. Ask for an opinion instead. #4 & 5 – Keep your boss informed; no surprises. It helps your boss avoid overreacting and their embarrassment.
Additional ways to connect: Be real but be kind. Do what you were hired to do and more (your bonus technique) because you want to not because you have to. Find out what is expected of you up front. Remember that unmet expectations breed disappointment. And communicate, communicate, communicate clearly.
Sam,
It’s always great seeing you and gaining from your wisdom. I appreciate you widening our perspective.
I particularly enjoyed the insight that sucking up may create feelings of good will in the two of you. Great insight.
As always, you have my regards,
Dan
Hello Dan,
I just want to share that those 5 ways could be helpful when there is a base of trust & respect between the employee and the boss…once mistrust and disrespect is there nothing would help to connect them. It usually ends with the employee leaving the company. I totally agree that people join companies but leave managers.
Thank you.
Heba,
Thanks for reminding us all that trust is foundational and comes before any other relationship building tools.
Best to you,
Dan
First rule is most important nowadays in my country(Bulgaria) – O.K I agree with other rules, but the are rarity , I think if your boss isn’t competent at all, there are no ways to understand you like you see things altough you’re right 🙂
Hi Niki,
Thanks for joining in… cheers.
Best,
Dan
No secure boss wants a suck-up but may help with an insecure leader. I think one of the big keys in connecting is honesty- about your mistakes & about your real opinion when asked. Don’t be disrespectful, but most leaders appreciate honesty communicated in the right way.
Hi Jeremy,
Thanks for adding to the conversation. I agree, most leaders appreciate honest communication. Perhaps the real test is what we do when our input is not used?
Best regards,
Dan