Tough talk
The truth can be unsettling and disturbing.
According to John Spence one of the four biggest leadership challenge executives face is talking about tough issues.
Why don’t leaders talk about tough issues
#1. Procrastination – tough topics have been put off so long they’re nearly impossible to bring it up. It’s like being in a elevator full of silent people.
#2. Underestimation – the tough topic wasn’t always a tough topic. The issue started out small and slowly grew until everyone sees the emperor has no clothes but no one speak.
#3. False–Compassion – pretending you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
#4. Guilt – when small issues grow into unaddressed large issues leadership is responsible. Bringing up the topic shines a light on long-term inadequacies in leaders.
#5. Self-Protection – you may fear the vulnerability of letting inner feelings out.
Suggestions for having hard conversations
#1. Honesty – First, be honest with yourself.
You know the elephant’s in the room. Take a good long look at him. You’ll be tempted to blame the elephant on others. Thinking about him is really thinking about you.
#2. Exploration – when something doesn’t seem right gently explore it. Don’t wait until insignificant issues escalate. Don’t bury your instincts. You may prefer the advantages of a hands-off approach. Please understand that gentle explorations should never be meddling interrogations or micromanaging. Explorations are expressions of compassion not confrontation.
#3. Question – talk less and listen more.
However, don’t interrogate (#2). Interrogations indicate you’ve waited too long. You’ve let the elephant get too big.
#4. Purpose – keep the big reason for the conversation front and center.
Tough conversations center on values, mission, and vision. Iacocca said it well, “Keep the main thing the main thing.” If you can’t clearly tie your talk to big issues it’s a white elephant.
*****
Why don’t leaders have tough conversations?
What suggestions can you offer those who need to have a tough conversation?
Dan,
This is a timely topic at any time. You covered many of the reasons leaders avoid the tough topics. I would add two more:
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#6 The underlying need to be “liked”.
#7 Fear of conflict.
You ask how to overcome all the blocks to tough talk, your #4 suggestion — keeping the purpose front and center is a true winner.
Also to overcome the need to be liked — replace it with being “respected” for courage, insight, and ability to lead the org. to success.
When leaders muddle about in the need to be “liked”, it often has the opposite effect. There will be some team members who need a very soft touch, some who need disrespect a very soft touch, and a large group who want a balanced leader who is fair yet firmly focused on the goals.
I really love this topic and so glad you have put it on the early morning train on this busy Wednesday.
Kate
Kate,
What a useful set of powerful suggestions. As I read, one great idea just led to another great suggestion to another.
One thing I’m taking with me is — replace the need to be liked with being respected! Great stuff
Cheers,
Dan
Kate Nasser is a featured blogger on Leadership Freak. Learn more about her at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/kate-nasser/
I so agree with the great tips you provided Dan and Kate’s additions.
In my experience, people who don’t give feedback or deliver it well, have a history of not receiving it well. On delving into that, I hear many leaders who have had bad experiences themselves and as a consequence they tend to go to very negative places and limiting beliefs. As a consequence, many also seem to project their own stuff onto their own staff. This appears to then cause their own trepidations – rather than considering ways to deliver non-threatening input that staff hear in the spirit in which it is intended. So, I would add to the list of suggestions:
#5 Consider feedback as the gifts you give your staff for their professional development and package it accordingly.
#6 Practice and prepare for the delivery of input, being clear on the messages you want to convey, what you want as an outcome, how you want to do so (tone, manner) and how you will respond to possible resistance from the staff member.
Favorite books: ‘Difficult Conversations’ and ‘Fierce Coversations’,
Cinnie,
Great first comment on Leadership Freak. I look forward to hearing more from you.
I found both suggestions useful. Remember, when you have the tough conversation its for the good of the person involved. Practice is a forgotten and neglected tool. When I lead seminars we practice. However, we could practice more in the office. I enjoy sitting down with someone and saying, “I’m thinking about saying this to … ” How does that sound. They almost always have something useful to say.
Thanks for added resources.
Best,
Dan
Dear Dan,
False compassion and self protection prevalent almost every organization. And this attitude prevents leader to talk tough. Toughness permeates transparency. Why leaders do not have tough conversation because of being exposed, challenged, questioned and their incapabilities, incapacities and incompetencies to handle conversations. The reason might be many. It might be personal, psychological or behavioral. Sometimes magnitude of sensitivity prevents leaders to talk tough. In such situations, shifting the issue is better strategy.
In organizations, generally tough talks are less appreciated because it reveals the truth. But it gives personal sense of satisfaction and strengthen your values. Toughness comes from truth and truth is always bitter but ultimately it wins. So, people who generally speak soft and whisper are not trustworthy and reliable. I have experienced that people whisper you even though nobody is there around. And these kind of people stay longer in the organization and engage in all kind of practices to make strong shield for them.
Those who need to have tough conversations, should believe in what they say and also resilient to understand others views. Flexibility and adaptability is the key. Of course, without honesty and transparency you can not be tough.
Ajay,
You always stop in to share useful ideas. Thank you!
One of the things I’m taking from your comment is, “Believe in what you say.” All leaders need to have enough confidence to believe they can make a positive difference for others and their organization.
Best Regards,
Dan
Ajay is a featured contributor of Leadership Freak. You can read about him at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/ajay-gupta
Dan,
Fear is a big reason as Kate noted. Many times leaders don’t know how the feedback will be received and are afraid of an ugly conversation. I’d add that some leaders just don’t like being the bad guy and don’t like the the feeling when bringing issues to light.
I’d suggest that in my experience, the conversations tend to go better than you expect. Most people don’t want to get in trouble with their boss so they try to remain civil. I can even think of one time where I had to step between to coworkers who were about to come to blows. I called them into my office one at a time a little later. I was anticipating that they would get load and blame the other guy. The feedback was really quite easy with them as they were both receptive. There are other times when it doesn’t go well though which fuels the fear of many leaders. The bigger issue is defensiveness where they may deflect the feedback.
Great post. Your advice should help anyone who is wise enough to use it.
Thanks,
Chris
Christian,
It’s wonderful to see you again and read your insights and perspective.
Personally, I’m taking away the idea that the “imagined” bad is frequently worse than the reality. I’m still going to prepare for the tough conversation but going in anticipating a positive result is useful.
Thanks for adding your real world experiences to the discussion.
Cheers,
Dan
Additionally: concerns about how others will perceive the leader (“if we have this tough problem, they’ll see me as a loser” or “if I don’t handle the conversation well, they won’t respect me”) and desire to maintain a comfortable collegiality within the leadership group.
Mark,
Thanks for jumping in.
I hadn’t thought of “how others will perceive the leader” combined with a fear of failure or poor performance.
Good call.
Best,
Dan
Mark is a featured blogger for Leadership Freak. Read his bio and see his contact info at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/mark-friedman
Dan fantastic post and comments by all. This is arguably the most important part of my job. Oversight of 150 Physicians is a daunting task. I must spend half of my time mediating and facilitating those tough conversations. Physicians have plenty of inherent issues but communication is easily their true achillies heel. When I visit the dept. manager’s meetings I always caution them to not wait to report problems. “Procrastination is the biggest thief of time.” letting time go by with no action magnifies the issues and just does not help. It is much easier for me to climb a hill rather than a mountain. Mountain climbing frequently leads to very poor outcomes and everyone loses. If you see the smoke you need to take action. It has taken a long time but we are slowly making headway convincing folks that no one works for anyone else but rather we all work with each other for the good of our organization, and our vision. Finally I would like to add that I have found it very helpful when these having difficult conversations to set the stage with open ended questions regarding related problem but notnthe issue at hand. I usually start when the environment is ready with the question: “We have a problem and I need your help.” this will diffuse any pre-conceived emotions and relax the atmosphere so a productive dialogue can take place. I have yet to have a situation where all parties don’t reconcile and leave my office with a resolution plan using this approach. I also tell people that I don’t believe in bad feedback. All feedback is good if we have the right attitude. Failure can be better than success at times. The former can lead to learning and growth and the latter if not careful to stagnation. So bring it on TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!
Great post Dan. Very relevant to or times and all organizations. Keep up the insightful info.
Thanks for the encouragement!
I definitely like Kate’s reframe from ‘like’ to ‘respect’ and Cinnie’s suggestion of practice practice practice rings true.
Conflict avoidance reflects the underlying discomfort with negative emotions along with fear of not being liked as noted. When we go into the conflict avoidance camp and then say ‘I’ll just wing it to get through it’, a potentially intense situation does not go as well as when it is thought through with variations and practice. And probably we are disrespecting the conflict.
In spite of the interaction being uncomfortable, it truly is an opportunity for growth or development on multiple fronts, individual, leadership and organizational.
Within the concept of practice, identifying the outcome range continuum of the interaction—from going terribly wrong (the end of the world as we know it) to perfectly well (group hug, you’re the best boss ever) can be framed. Then you know it will land somewhere in between. In the moment, the leader can often move the discussion along the continuum for a positive outcome. Also, with practice, the leader can prepare for ‘faux’ elephants in the room that are distractions or lead away from the real issue.
Finally, again, the leader needs to maintain the frame of reference with the customer/service in mind. That has to be a priority. People will have conflicts, whether they are line staff or leaders. However if conflict causes the customer/service to suffer, then you may lose that customer/service and potentially may lose the reason for your organization to exist. So, with #4, Purpose, the overarching purpose of the organization needs to be part of the interaction as well.
Definitely like al2decho’s reframe as well, ‘we’ have a problem and “I” need your help…who can argue with that! Need that reframe with 150 MDs to ride herd on! 😉
Hi Doc,
I always watch for your comments because you add to the conversation.
I love the faux elephant concept. It took me too long to learn to keep my eye peeled for these rascally devils that waylay conversations and distract from desired ends. Well said.
Thanks for giving back to the community.
Cheers,
Dan
Doc is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. You can read about him at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/doc
Yep, I usually finally am aware of them by the 2nd or 3rd time that they step on my foot. “Ouch, what was that…ouch where did that come from?…got me again” (at least I have a baseline now)
BTW-That really is an excellent pic Dan, major props to you for it!
Dan,
Echoing others, great post and insightful comments.
Leaders need to keep in mind that when tough conversations are necessary, they aren’t always the only one who knows about the elephant in the room. In one way or another, the other party to the conversation is often carrying its weight around too. Their relief (or..?) that the problem is out in the open may not be evident or immediate, but it is can be a breakthrough nonetheless. Sometimes there needs to be a work relationship breakthrough before forging ahead to work jointly on the problem. To get there, sometimes a leader needs to own up to their own complicity, particularly if the feedback come as a surprise/shock due, in part, to the leader’s avoidance. Not, of course, in an “I should have brought this up a long time ago” way, but perhaps as part of the “We have a problem and I need your help” approach.
Springboarding from Dan’s comment – The need to plan, script and practice can’t be over-emphasized. Thinking about the conversation and then just “winging it” should be avoided at all costs. Even by seasoned, articulate leaders. Leaders also need to face their own fears, plan how to deal with them…and plan for the unexpected. What will I do if s/he gets angry? Really angry. What will I do if s/he cries? How will I deal with diversionary tactics? How will I handle resistance or defensiveness? If there is anything close to an immutable law applicable to difficult conversations its that they almost never unfold the way you think they will…..the chatterbox might clam up and the tough guy might cry! The good news is that with thoughtful and thorough preparation, it won’t be nearly as uncomfortable as you think it will.
Final thoughts – Be kind. Your staff may not remember exactly what you said, but they will never forget how your words made them feel. And make darn sure that difficult conversations aren’t the only ones you have with staff – they need those gifts Cinnie was talking about, but not as a surprise package.
Again, great post, great conversation – thanks!
Rusti
Rusti-Ann
You said so many cool things. I’m definitely remembering “Your staff may not remember exactly what you said, but they will never forget how your words made them feel.” Thats gold!
I hope you keep coming back and sharing your insights and perspective.
Best,
Dan
#3 is crucial. Effective leaders ask the right questions. I’m amazed how often it comes back to this.
David,
Has anyone written the book, “Leading through Questions and Curiosity?”
Thanks,
Dan
Important conversation, solid post and comments. Thanks Dan et al.
In celebration of this post’s picture:
http://tracyelpoured.wordpress.com/2010/04/11/pink-elephant/
Hi Tracy,
Thanks for the good word and the link.
Cheers,
Dan
Thanks Cinnie for recommending this blog Leadership Freak. I enjoyed reading the thread on tough talk. I look forward to reading more. Pattie aka The Texas Conflict Coach
Hi Pattie,
I’ll send out props to Cinnie for sharing the Freak with and and thanks to you for your encouraging words.
Cheers,
Dan
Hi Dan,
Another great topic and insighful comments.
They say the truth hurts. But, I am not sure if this is really “true” anymore. I find not speaking the truth and reality is more hurting than talking about it. Does this make sense?.
Sometimes, we are caught in a sticky dilemma. Which is more worse?. Not talking at all about an “undiscussable” issue or talking much of it and not doing anything to improve the redress it?.
Last week, I started a Book Review Club at work, purely on voluntray basis. The first book we started with was “Broken Windows, Broken Business’ by Michael Lewine. At one point we stopped to discuss an “elephant in the room”- the Coffee running out at the Pantry. Just when it was about to be brushed aside as a trivial issue, I insisted we should discuss it beyond it remaining a “fact”. But, no one was willing to dwell deeper into the roots and why it happens. The Pantry was under handled by two staffs from two different departments. The budget/purchasing was controlled by the CEO’s Secretary, whereas the implementation/maintenance was under the Admin Department. Now, how complicated can this be?.
We came out of the session a learned lot and with some action plan to fix the problem at the Pantry, led by the Head of Admin. It is now the 5th day and the problem prevails!.
I realise that CEO’s Secretaries can be powerful influences. No one wants to be on their wrong side. But, does that mean they get away with “murder”.
Why did the HOD not bother to “bell the cat”. Does the CEO, management, workers care about the “broken window”, to the point that they are willing to stand up and say what is the “outcome” they want to see. How do we bring a transformation to the attitude and will of people that speaking up and doing something proactive is far better than ranting, gossiping and playing politics. That’s the leadership challenge.
I fully agree, “Tough conversations center on values, mission, and vision.”. However, even more tough and important is, “taking the bold steps to confront the barriers in following up with actions.
Thank you all.
Cheers
Yuva
Hi Yuva,
Great illustration. At first I thought perhaps you were pulling my leg but after reading your comment again I see you weren’t.
Somewhere along the line organizations create complexity. Complexity frequently is the giant elephant in the room.
I’m delighted you stopped in to share your experience.
It’s odd that action should be considered a bold step. Isn’t that what companies are all about?
Best to you,
Dan