Hearing what isn’t said
Drucker said, “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.”
I tweeted Drucker’s quote and recieved this question. “How can I hear what isn’t said?” Great question!
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Three ways to hear what isn’t said
Hear intent.
Some are skilled at speaking in ways that sound innocent or helpful when they are actually selfish and unhelpful. They use quiet tones and cover their intent with compliments. Frequently they flatter. However, if you wait for the smoke to clear you’ll see they are protecting their own turf, passing the buck, or blaming others.
Hear assumptions.
Every statement or question stands on an assumption. For example, I hear statements built on the assumption that I’m responsible to fix something when I’m not. Or, you may hear accusations built on the assumption you were responsible for failure when you weren’t. Worse yet, you may hear organizational plans based on false assumptions from poor market research.
Hear non-verbals.
Is the person turned toward or away from you? Not long ago I was in a meeting where a person spoke to me while being turned toward someone else. What they said was for the benefit of another, not me. In addition, hear eye movement.
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Don’t take words at face value. In my experience; manipulation, secret agendas, and wrong assumptions are common, frustrating, and distracting.
While working with forthright, honest individuals, wrong assumptions are the main issue. On the other hand, while working with dishonest people, manipulation and secret agendas magnify the difficulty of wrong assumptions.
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Do you agree with Drucker’s quote?
How do you hear what isn’t said?
Great tips, Dan.
As someone who teaches others how to “hear personality type,” I hope you don’t mind if I add “listening for personality” to the list. Attention to, and mindfulness of personality or “personality signals” encourages appreciation of diversity in us all: though we all have some things in common, we also *truly* differ from each other in our unique ways of perceiving and interacting in the world—and in our communication styles!
A “working hypothesis” of personality type helps a listener hear “questions behind the questions” and respond with answers in the communication style the listener appreciates.
Of course, we are all very complex beings, and a working hypothesis of an individual’s personality communication style is till only a glimpse of *who* they are. Still, this extra bit of awareness seems to help quite a bit in the way we can listen, and in smoothing the way to connections.
It’s not necessary to take a course to learn how to listen for personality, and many of us do it quite naturally. Still, there *are* a few tips and a common language that can enhance understanding. It’s kind of like having drawing talent, then taking a course in watercolor… fun, and something new happens. 🙂
~M
Dear Dan,
So true and useful Drucker suggestion. Hearing what isn’t said is very delicate matter.
To be sure of hearing right what it isn’t said, we must observe and experience a lot of different situations. This requiers time and experience, we must become a good people reader, realist one , judging reality -not hearing what we want to hear but hearing the truth what it is not said . People are very different.
I heard a little story about assumptions :
“Once, in an evening, a farmer stood in front of his modest home, enjoying the cool late afternoon. Another man who went through a road near the farmer saw him and thought:-this man is undoubtedly a great lazy, he sits the livelong day in front of the gate
Soon, there appeared another traveler.He thoughts: -This man is a Donjuan, he sits here watching the girls passing by.
Finally, a foreigner who is heading to the village said: -This farmer is a great worker and now his enjoying his well-deserved rest”
How do I hear what isn’t said,…hard question- I hear because first I am passionate to discover other persons around me, and I hear because I read their eyes – and tone of voice, their behavior form different situations is very important.
But when I feel manipulation-in most of cases I change my behavior and like to tell in front of that person what I have to say. I like justice very very much!
Dan,
My addition to this discussion is get into a habit of asking great questions to draw out what isn’t being said. You can travel someone else’s brain with just one great question. Of course, my favorite “Magical Two Words” — What If — also helps.
Here’s my post on that:
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http://katenasser.com/two-magical-words-for-best-21st-century-people-skills/
M,
I too teach how to “hear” personality type so I send you kudos for that addition! It has momentous impact.
Great post Dan and it will help everyone — not just the official “leaders”.
Kate
Kate,
I’m always glad to see you in the comment stream because you add such great value.
I hope folks stop over to read your short post on two magical words.
Best Regards,
Kate is a featured blogger on Leadership Freak. She encourages me and regularly shares her insights both here and on her own blog that you will find at: http://katenasser.com/articles/. Check out her videos too.
Hearing what isn’t said – also applies to the leaders interpretation of the said message. We never hear what is being sent in its intended form. A series of perceptions, prejudices, in-digestion, plus other internal (cognitive based factors) and external (environmental based factors) taint what we hear.
When coaching leaders the challenge is to continue listening, following agreement with your idea. Moving from just listening to an understanding. Hoping to mitigate and acknowledge your own perspective on the hearing.
Even while reading this – you cannot escape YOU…while reading this you are reading what is not being written. You are reading your interpretation of the symbols on the screen through your filters of eyes, to electric impulses that splatter all over your brain – connecting and re-connecting years, decades of reading, hearing, learning, experience.
That is a good thing.
Dear Dan.
Curiosity is in human nature, Primarily, it is human nature that decides what to hear what is not said and secondly it is purpose that decides what to hear and what is not. Your nature decides your intention and intention becomes matrix that derives meaning and see unsaid. It is fine that we can hear from intentions, assumptions and non verbal signs, But it is not easy task, Everyone is not psychologist or body language expert.
I agree that as a manager or leader, one should understand what is not said, but interpretation will be different from people to people and this difference will be as per nature and purpose. Why do you want to hear what is not said ? If you are a good leader or manager, it might be helpful to know strength and weaknesses of the person so that corrective measures can be taken to improve the situation. On the other hand, there are people who need negative information to sensitise and create wrong perception about the person, even you do not know him. So, it is the nature of the person, what he wants to hear or see. Your nature can change unsaid strength into weaknesses and vice versa. So, the purpose of hearing what is unsaid plays major role in creating perception about the person.
In orgnisation, people are usually more interested to create negative publicity or perception about the incoming incumbent, but as a leader, one should not rely on gossip, assumption, perception rather rely on experience, performance and integrity. Those who focus on creating charisma, style and image are prone to stumble whereas who believe in creating character, substance and integrity sustain and develop. These are real values. The purpose behind this discussion is not to bother about perception or image created by people when you think it is not true. People who believe in external appearance or image generally perturbed by perception created about them.
Yes it is important to hear what is not said, and leadeship capitol leverage on unsaid for organisational benefit. I can hear what is not said, by words of the person he uses. His words reveal focus and direction and when fulfills his words, he reveals his commitment and integrity. If he does not meet his words, he creates his image and people might perceive him as a fake leader.
I agree with Drucker’s statement. I think it’s important to not make assumptions and read into what we think we’re hearing and why they communicate that way. It’s also important to stay aware of cultural differences and other influences on how we interact. In my work, a common happening that leads to conflict is when people assume intentions and interpret behaviors and language without checking them out.
Ways that I hear what isn’t being said from my clients (and others too) are:
+ If I find myself wondering about the veracity, authenticity etc. of a statement, I check it out by asking the person to tell me more, or explain the part that seems confusing/unclear.
+ I say directly – “Something isn’t resonating for me in that (statement, response, gesture, etc.). When you just ….” (and point out whatever it is that seems amiss/ dissonant) it confused (or whatever it did) me.”
+ I ask, “What are you not saying here?” or “I sense I am missing something that you are meaning (wanting, not wanting) to tell me. What may that be?”Or, “I am sensing there may be something you are concerned about saying. Let me assure you that I am open to hearing what you have to tell me.”
+ I check it out body language by saying, “I don’t want to misread what I just observed. I noticed that you smiled as you were telling me that awful situation. What is that about?.”
+Or, considering Drucker’s quote, I might say ” I want to be sure I heard what you just said” and I paraphrase what I heard. The person corrects me or not. If not and it still doesn’t ring true, I might add, “I heard that to mean…..did I get that right?” Or, I may be misinterpreting that – this is what struck me……”
With clients, I ask for their permission from the beginning of our coaching relationship to point out the types of traits (body, face and verbal including tone etc.) that are dissonant etc. and contrary to what they are trying to achieve. When the behavior occurs during a session as it inevitably does, I point it out and we explore what was happening at the time that lead to the look, statement and so on. Ultimately, continued work of this nature and the increasing self awareness helps them to make changes.
I expect these are not new to the many talented and experienced people who follow you Dan…I just wanted to chime in. Have a great weekend!
I just picked this post up through @abegler and really liked it.
Cinnie raises a very interesting approach that I also I find extremely effective which is to get people to connect their physiological ‘conversation’ to their verbal ‘conversation’. It is amazing how many people can look cross when in fact they are concentrating! The next step is to get them to tune into the early warning signs of unhelpful physiological expression and develop strategies to deal with them.
Thanks for the thoughtfulness on this topic.
Thanks Dan, the post is great, LF community comments are really insightful, and yet very illustrating of the human nature of seeing things differently.
I would highly agree with Kate and Cinnie that asking questions is a great way to listen to what isn’t said, maybe it needs a skill and enabling situation, but sometimes you just can’t ask, what do you do?
For instance, some people are manipulative or just not cooperative, you are led to more confusion and conflict by asking questions (maybe here the skill of asking great rocking questions) , they are determined not to be authentic, or they just don’t know how to connect and accept the gray areas or look for the common ground!
Facing such people, I got into a habit of continuous exploration, of using a combination of asking and assuming, forming a theory and be open for any relevant explanation, i am never 100% confident of any explanation, i just form theories and assign a confident weight and look for more information, and check it over and over if it is really important to make a resolution or take a decision, the experience, performance, results and information with high confidence is what strengthen or weaken the confidence weight, and make the related piece of info valid to be taken into account.
I know this is a dangerous way but it is needed in some situation and it is upon to the person to craft it to be a source of valid information.
All the Best,
Huda
All great comments! Shows how important this discussion is. Frankly, it is timely for me in my personal life.
I moved to the south in the 80’s and had to learn this “unspoken language” here to survive! Old fashioned Southerners are masters at using “polite speak” to mask hidden agendas. Many times I had to ask others what was really meant in a conversation because it appeared to me that nothing had really been said. Those who were present and accustomed to this approach told me that volumes had been spoken through the unspoken (as clearly defined in the above post and comments).
We learn a great deal from our customers by letting them talk and slowly reveal their needs rather than “Sell” them on our product with a script. I blog about this all the time. http://bizcommunicator.wordpress.com/
I advise business owners about how to sell more by listening to what the customer is saying/not saying. Now I am reminded that I am forgetting to apply this myself in my business conversations with associates.
I have sabotaged myself all too often by responding to what I thought was being said, rather than “hearing what isn’t said” and regretting it later. Is it naivete? Will we ever get over wanting to be able to trust others? I think we forget, too, that people are often in survival mode. They can be afraid to reveal their fears of failing or losing ground and must keep hold of whatever ground they have in the face of someone who might be better at winning that very same ground.
Maybe silence is the best strategy. Subtly forcing the other to continue speaking and possibly reveal more through more talk and non-verbally language as well. As we can kill a sale by overselling through talking too much at our customers, perhaps the same applies in our business conversations…
Makes me think of that show “Lie to Me.” 😉
Interesting how we seem to immediately ‘hear’ passion in someone.
“I listened hard but could not see…”
–And You & I, YES
Great post and I also liked Kate’s response. Sometimes asking the right questions and engaging someone will bring out their true intent.
Ultimately the sender of a message is the only person who has ‘knowledge’ of its full intent. They express some of it through body language, hidden phrases and code language etc. One of my wife’s code words is “it’s funny”. She’ll say “it’s funny how you think that” or Don’t you think it’s funny how she treats him”. She doesn’t think it is funny at all. She’s actually annoyed or upset . But her code is the phrase “it’s funny”.
As a listener, I must hear what is really being said without reading into what is being said. The danger in me (the listener) trying to hear the non-verbal signals listed above is the presumptions I bring into the conversation. Many were listed above by Mr. Cardus. Otherwise I can really misunderstand and offend the sender.
The art of listening is the art of checking with the sender to see if I’m reading the verbals and non-verbals correctly. And the weakness even then is that many have hidden thoughts and meanings that haven’t yet been self-realized. So the good listener will hear, will check with the sender to see if he is understanding, and will release the sender to have discoveries of their own in the process.
Bobby,
Thanks for leaving your first comment. I appreciate your perspective.
I really like how you said, “hear…without reading into what is being said.” I think you brought out one of the great challenges of listening. Don’t jump to conclusions.
All the best,
Dan
Great Post. For a skilled consultant, marketeer, researcher, parent, leader or organisational change specialist “Hearing what isn’t said” is THE key skill.
The thing I teach everyone is your No.2 – Never ASSUME – it makes an ASS out of U and ME.
The Solution: Keep asking “Why?” and you’ll get to the real truth and the beliefs and assumptions that lie behind the presentation.
Thanks for dropping in and leaving your comment.
Best to you,
Dan
I like to listen the people’s associative pathways. Meaning, why they jump from one subject to another, or what is making them connect one topic to another topic.
Using “Six Hat Thinking” via Edward de Bono has helped me encourage those with a one-track mind to lighten up and adopt other attitudes. Often people are merely stuck in their “favored” mode of perceiving from a certain point of view. Proactively, people can be jogged out of their favored attitude into another mode. The playful and flexible people get my interest and curiosity.
Culture – or micro-culture – has quite a bit to do with meaning also, so that needs to be taken into account.
The other system that has helped me with realizing that people do things for very different reasons than I do has been learning about the Enneagram.
It’s amazing how often the protective reptile brain is runs the show! People seem to turn to the most protective reasons first because, well, in case they need protecting. But the “real” reasons from the point of view of the person who is doing the activity isn’t so often nefarious. It is just that we are not able to see the world from another person’s point of view, having stumbled on some reason to be afraid of what “might” be suspect.
Of course, it sounds as if I’m justifying for others under the intention of being compassionate, but this has come from a long history of being misunderstood and learning to be careful to check with someone else what they feel and think before making assumptions about them or on their behalf.
Essentially, most people are self-absorbed and do things for their own reasons that are a mystery for you. The easiest way is to ask them what they mean – without point out the confusing messages you’re getting. They may not know the answer, but at least someone has asked the question.
Of course, the most effective deceptiveness comes from someone who is deceiving themselves too. This is the very reason why I did not want to come out and say what my intentions and motives are. It always sounded so manipulative to explain myself. But this is what’s necessary in cross-cultural misunderstandings that is rampant in relationships.
There’s so much here to respond to…. I just have to write another post.
If you’re trying to figure out what someone meant, you can’t go anywhere constructive on “name=calling,” whether you’re right about it or not. Identifying what is happening, or what may be happening is only the first step. I might do this by assuming the body posture of the person for a moment, to help me imagine I am in their shoes.
What to do to deal with bullies, contempt, snide, arrogant or plain old thoughtlessly mean behavior? It takes practice, but you can come up with a perfectly innocent and constructive motive for them being a jerk. Sometimes they realize that it’s not that the nastiness of the previous problem got missed. They may be thinking, “AHA, fooled her!” But – every single time, the offender has gone for the more constructive explanation-motive I originated, (even though it probably wasn’t true. ) Instant forgiveness gets them to clean up their behavior. because you can’t fight with someone who will merely come up with excuses for your bad behavior and won’t act like a victim. Doing this for people has helped me define my boundaries in a constructive way, and helped the person to treat me in a more ethical fashion.
Then again, it’s backfired in that it’s also given me “friends” with people nobody else can tolerate. (Oh goody, here’s someone who reads me!)
I agree 60%. 🙂 As a life coach, my biggest job is to listen with my spidey-senses to how people say what they say, the things that aren’t said, and the things that are obviously doctored and reveal insecurities that need to be addressed. I like how you broke out the ways to do that kind of non-verbal listening. Thanks for what you’re doing here!
Laurie, Thanks for joining the conversation and sharing your insights and perspective. Love the “doctored” idea. Best Dan
What a thought-provoking piece, as shown by the wonderful comment stream and by the way my brain is working overtime to identify how I hear what isn’t being said. Thanks for this, Dan, and for pointing out the post to me on my Twitter stream.
I use the tools you identified and many of those outlined in comments – paying attention to body language, asking questions, hearing someone’s tone. A couple of specific methods I use with clients and potential partners:
1) listen for their energy level – how fast are they speaking? How much enthusiasm is there? Are there a lot of hesitations or are they streaming along? If there’s a lot of energy, it usually is authentic. There are some great actors and fakers, so too much energy may be a signal for me to back up and use the next tool.
2) “Tell me more about that” is one of my favorite questions. I use it as an invitation for the person to disclose more, and usually find that the person’s agenda is buried. I am reminded of the “5 Whys,” a technique I learned long ago where you ask “why?” at 5 levels until you get to the core reason. It’s more useful with clients, of course, but I have used it to good effect with others.
3) Looking at myself. What am I bringing to the table in terms of agenda? If I disclose that, I often find out that the other person can’t or won’t bring the same amount of candor…and so I don’t want to do business with them. It means me being clear about my agenda and motives, so I do a lot of pre-planning.
4) Gut check. During or after the conversation, do I get a weird feeling in my gut? If so, then I need to slow down and ask a whole bunch more questions.
5) Check it out with a coach or other thought partner. I may not be the best judge of what is happening. I bring my own assumptions and feelings to the table, and may not read a situation correctly. So I bounce the play-by-play off someone whose judgment I trust and see what their take is on the situation. Often we are in synch but there are enough times I’ve misread the situation (usually when I get upset and my emotion clouds logic) and get a good reality check as well as a chance to strategize about next steps.
Thanks again for the post! Julie