Bloody Backstabbers
“Backstabbers put on a front that appears accommodating, loyal, and yes, even sacrificial. Then, without warning, they raise their knife, and by the time you see the glint of the blade, it’s almost always too late.” Les Parrott
Image source
Spotting Backstabbers
The shift
Backstabbers take the gravy work for themselves and leave the hard work for others. When projects fail, they blame the hard worker.
The credit
On the other hand, when projects go well they take credit for other’s hard work. They hang back letting others take risks and step forward when it’s time to receive credit. Look through their fake smiles and false compliments and know that a person who takes credit for another’s work is a backstabber.
The twist
Backstabbers twist the truth in order to solidify their own position. For example, they forward emails and send blind copies to others with the intent of damaging your reputation? Remember, never put anything in an email you don’t want the world to see.
3 ways to deal with backstabbers:
Stay engaged and involved. When you protect yourself by withdrawing, you open a door for your own defeat.
Document your work. You probably don’t remember all the contributions you made to projects. You simply jump in and get the work done. Backstabbers remember every contribution they make and then some.
Bring others in. When backstabbers subtly twist facts or put others down, pick up the phone and invite their victims to the meeting. Transparency and truth help silence backstabbers.
Do you have a backstabber story that you can share?
How do you deal with backstabbers?
If you have 3:45 give a listen to The Undisputed Truth performing “Smiling Faces.” Talk about a blast from the past on backstabbers.
If you have been around for a while, sooner or later you will meet a person or groups of people like this. Interestingly, some cultures in organizations promote “backstabbing” behaviors while others minimize it.
As leaders, we have the opportunityto shape culture. When we see these behaviors, we can address them head-on by keeping these individuals in front of us. When we are part of a team, we can add transparency by providing clear and complete status reports each step of the way which illustrate who is doing what and when. Backstabbers thrive when others are in the dark – clear, consistent communication keeps the lights on in your team and reduces the opportunities for backstabbing behaviors.
One final note – some back stabbers are psychotic. In this case, their reality and yours will never match. You can not change them as they see no need to change. The only cure for this type of backstabber is distance. Stay out of reach by removing them from the organization/group (if you can) or removing yourself (if you can not). Otherwise, sooner or later, you will find the life draining out of your team.
Joan, sadly I think your last paragraph hit the nail on the head. We often try to approach people with true issues of this nature from a “logical” standpoint, and no amount of logic will fix these types of people/situations. It it’s ultimately destructive to the team, an EAP or other type of intervention with a medical/psychiatric component may be well in order.
Sadly, I have to agree with Paula and Joan both on Joan’s last point. I too have come face to face with folks who seem to live in an “alternate reality.” For me they have been the most trying of situations to sort out, because it is not readily obvious at first, I’m the kind of person who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt, damage has already been done by the time things become obvious and in the end logic can not win. The only way out is completely.
Joan,
Wow! You share such great wisdom.
Your comments about organizations promoting backstabbing hit the mark. I’ll add that leaders who listen to or invite complaints or criticism about others w/o involving all parties nurture backstabbing environments.
It’s sad, I’ve seen those who tolerate/invite backstabbing eventually end on the sharp end of the backstabber’s blade.
You always add so much to the discussion.
Thank you,
Dan
The abuse of power and pathology of these folks can be very scary. Had one ‘faux leader’ state, “I like using a knife (figurative), it’s up close, personal and I can see their face when they turn around.” Needless to say, that ‘leader’ was ousted by the board after substantial damage and several hundred thousand in losses which almost sank the non-profit. In this case, while appearing intact on many levels, this person also was very ill.
Good morning, LF community. First of all, Dan, that graphic both makes me laugh and breaks my heart. It is cute/sad simultaneously!
I think the topic of backstabbing bleeds over into other issue areas, such as undermining and pure destructiveness. I could have used some of these strategies for a few “backstabbing” incidents in my past.
One of them I have not thought about for YEARS. It involved an employee who accused another employee (both under my supervision) of making a racially offensive comment. I was tasked by the Executive Director with getting to the bottom of the situation, and it was a “he said she said” situation in every sense of the word. Now that I have had a lot more history with both individuals, I could almost guarantee that the accuser was probably exaggerating the facts of the situation in an attempt to make the other employee look bad. When I look at your three suggestions, I suppose the one that would have been the most help in this situation has to do with communication. When the “victim” went above my head to the ED to make this complaint, that was probably red flag number one – involving the ED created an air of drama that made the “situation” feed upon itself.
The other characteristic I would note is that the backstabbers I most frequently deal with seem almost pathologically unwilling to actually communicate without an intermediary. I am in that situation in a social organization I belong to. An officer and another prominent member have HUGE issues with one another and I am frequently asked questions by both of them that would be much better asked of the other person instead of me, the “girl in the middle.”
The above example leads me to recommend a fourth tip for dealing with backstabbers: don’t believe everything you hear, and/or know that the way things are phrased, while they may be true, may be skewed in tone to serve the needs of the backstabber.
Challenging question/situation for a Monday morning, but it’s important to deal with it!
Paula,
Holy Cow! Thanks for jumping in.
First of all, “backstabbing bleeds into … ” Very eloquent. 🙂
Thanks for bring some real world stories to the discussion. And thanks for adding your 4th tip. You made me think of another important idea. Critiques frequently overstate. Better to drain the drama and deal with verifiable behaviors and facts.
Best to you,
Dan
Paula is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read her bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/paula-kiger
As a former backstabber myself, (I’ve used these techniques to take down tyrants in positions of authority) I can tell you the techniques you mention and the suggestions others offered are all effective. If you’re dealing with force vs force.
If you want to switch to using REAL power vs (their) force, then consider heaping coals of fire on their head “If your enemy is hungry give him bread to eat, And if he is thirsty give him water to drink for so you will heap coals of fire on his head.” (Prov. 25:21,22).
I just blogged about how I learned this lesson this weekend listening to National Public Radio’s “This American Life”.
http://themiracleworker.wordpress.com/2010/11/29/1032
Alan,
Thank you for leaving an affirmative word and as you know, I appreciate it when others leave links to useful resources.
Best to you
Dan
Alan is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read his bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/alan
Good morning, LF community. How do we deal with backstabbers? I’m thinking 2 things: Modeling and Culture
MODELING
I believe it was Jim Collins who speaks of “Level 5 Leadership”. A leader at this level keeps 2 things in mind: the Mirror and the Window. When things go poorly, at Level 5, the leader uses the mirror to accept responsibility. When things go well, the Level 5 leader uses the window to look out at the team and praises them.
Team members need to see how to use their mirror and window. Assuming the leader has gained the right level of trust, the team will see the mirror and window being played out and say, “so THAT’S how it’s done. I want to be like that.”
Unfortunately, for some backstabbers, this modeling won’t be enough. They need the context of a positive culture around them.
CULTURE
Build a “non-backstabber” culture. This will take some time and attention. But over time, the team will come to see that backstabbing is so counter-culture that they become self-regulating. When a backstabbing attitude begins to emerge, the team pounces on it while it’s in its infancy.
It may be necessary to gather a few key team members to begin fleshing out some core competencies to begin the long journey of setting the right anti-backstabbing culture. But in time, it will be well worth the effort. Backstabbing costs more in productivity than we will ever know.
Well stated Scott, those two set the tone.
If that culture and modeling is not established, may have to bring in what Joan K-W indicated in her last paragraph, something as drastic as cauterize (to keep with the knife metaphor) to ensure the culture does not get ‘infected’. Fortunately, those seem to be few and far between.
“Cauterize” I love it! Never heard of termination in that light before. 🙂
Good morning Dan and LF Community. Backstabbers are a unique bunch. After one has been out in the world long enough a lot of these backstabbers become “front stabbers” since one sees as you identified the “glint” of their blade more like a sunrise. So experience and “scars” will transform those sneaking behind to those perched in front. When one tries to analyze these folks one can only feel pity for them. They are mostly very insecure and unhappy individuals with very poor self esteem who feel compelled to catapult themselves on the back of others. They have little to no resilience and when confronted shrivel into a world of excuses. In truth as noted above I personally have had very little success in helping these individuals since the great majority of them have significant underlying psychological problems and require professional help. On occasion a few have had an inkling of self awareness and have undergone therapy with mixed results. Alas most can only be dealt with by distancing ourselves safely away either internally or externally. As I tell co-workers : “Some of the people can be wrong some of the time but all of the people can not be wrong all of the time.” The backstabbers carry their history with them and if careful when assessing new team members one will see one too many “smiling faces.” Have a great day Dan, regards Al
Al,
It’s sobering to see you suggest that once a backstabber always a backstabber. Dr. Simmerman’s comment (below) seems to affirm your insights.
Thanks for adding value.
Best,
Dan
Al is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. You can read his bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/al-diaz
I will expand a little on 2 of your points:
Stay engaged and involved – if the backstabber is engaging in bcc on emails, do not respond at all. Invite all concerned to a meeting, (as you also suggest). Backstabbers are cowards and will be at a disadvantage when you are calling the shots.
“Document your work” – and also document the works of the backstabber(s), and keep a log of their emails (especially the bcc ones if you can prove it), phone calls etc. It’s a tedious task, but worth it. A little record keeping to prove the facts goes a long way when you are later shooting flim flam out of the sky.
The length of responses above suggests that the post invokes strong feelings in those who have been stabbed! Best advice is to keep cool and don’t ever stoop to the level of a backstabber. Thanks for a concise and thought provoking post.
Helen, you hit on a very helpful (but difficult to do) principle: “stay cool”. I would add that to stay cool in the midst of a backstabber requires inner depth. This depth can be cultivated by reflection.
In fact, I just saw the following article on reflection in leadership that just may apply. It’s from the Harvard Business Review:
http://blogs.hbr.org/haque/2010/11/reflection_items_not_action_it.html
Stay strong!
Hey Scott,
I appreciate you leaving an added resources.
Thanks
Helen,
I appreciate your comments. I think many folks don’t realize all they do or what others are doing. Keeping records should help.
Great advice.
Cheers,
Dan
Wow, this is definitely a big topic Dan and your advice is excellent. I usually throw backstabbing into the same realm with “playing politics.” Seems to be the same energy at the core.
I find that the backstabbers are usually the ones who play politics with everything. They are not true team players. They play one side, then another and manipulate emotions. They commiserate and exaggerate. Lies are close to truths, facts are framed carefully to convey different messages, trust is built before attack, etc.. For some, the source is internal anger that takes over how they deal with life and they do this to take it out on co-workers. For others it’s almost like a conquering mind set. And there’s sometimes an air of warfare and control of power in their deeds. Some people become backstabbers because they feel justified due to feeling slighted or unappreciated. I find this to be immature, but it happens. It’s a different kind of backstabbing than those with a concrete agenda.
Some play things very much like a game of warfare and tyranny. I know of one organization suffering from new leadership like this, where every word is a political game and double speak. Currently it is a work environment of fear, where no one knows who they can talk to and everyone is afraid to step sideways. And as you mentioned, everything is documented to the nth degree. A select few are embraced by the leadership like pets, until they displease. This leadership is very good at making others appear to be the backstabbers. It seems the only solution for them is for their leadership to somehow peacefully move on of their own choice, retire, something, because it appears that anything less will likely end in total destruction.
My best advice is remain professional and mature, take everything with a grain of salt and remember that things are not always as they seem. Do not give in to the temptations of division. Get a broader view.
And remember that sometimes, the only way to handle a situation is absolutely.
How do you deal with backstabbers?
Trust, but verify.
Be safe…Jim
I am a psychologist by background (Ph.D. in brain and behavior stuff from UNC-Chapel Hill and a former psych professor at Furman Univ). And I remember a series of articles over the past 25 years that have looked at Most Senior Management and studied them from the framework of “sociopathic behavior.”
Google that last phrase and read the characteristics / diagnostics of what constitutes that from a clinical perspective and then “contrast and compare” (as us college professors used to say…) to some of the observations about the behavior of people in power.
They play the game differently and generally feel no compunction to do some things most of us would regret or to feel any remorse when playing by their own rules. Backstabbing is but one of the many different behaviors that a sociopath might use in their behavioral repertoire of moving themselves up in an organization.
In the words of B.A. Baracus (Mr. T) in the old A-Team TV show, “I pity the fool that don’t get it.”
Love the video Dan, thanks for the blast from the past.
In dealing with the ‘bs’…your last point may be the strongest. You cannot ignore it or minimize it. When you have felt the first cut/stab, you have to take action…
Shine a light on it,
keep it public, say, “wait, others need to hear this directly from you,”
have witnesses,
no secrets,
repeat what they say and ask for confirmation (again in a public setting),
document it,
even tell him/her that you need to write it down because it is important for others to learn from/know (a little passive-aggressive and an ego-feed, but it gets the point across),
send email copies to everyone for review/follow up.
Dear Dan,
Thank you for quoting my statement in previous post. It encourages me.
Your points about backstabbers are classic ones. False smile, fake compliments, twisting truth in thier own benefits, recording their contributions and remembering others mistake are habits of backstabbers. I agree that the way to expose them is to create trust and transparency. I believe backstabbers survive on support by superiors. They distort information, block information and paralyse the information. They have all the informations because that is the source of their game. Making CC to others on simple mistake, unrelated work and for routine work is their habits. They do so to create an impression on others.
I have seen backstabbers usually speak softer, smiles always, whisper more, move their eyes more, share half information, try to create trust with everyone, meet more with seniors, pass more informations than others, talk more about the politics, talk more negative things about others. They hardly appreciate anyone than themselves. They stay longer even after office hours. But the important and good news about backstabbers is that they suffers from diseases, family breakdown, mental, physical and moral disorder. I have seen the people who backstab are not happy, healthy and prosperous people.They also do not find their place everywhere. They form a cluster of similar group.
The best way to deal with backstabbers is to ask direct questions publicly.
The other way is to ask them to show the result, follow the rules, warn them to pass any message to superiors, warn to talk negative about anyone etc. When you spot the backstabbers, assign them clear and time bound responsibilities and monitor feedback. The commonly found symptom with backstabbers is that for higher resposibility work, they work from behind. Actually they find ways to derail the project. In case of success, they come forward to take full credit but in case of failure, it becomes individual responsbility and they also take credit by blaming, accusing, spreading rumour and showing that they were about the failure and also they warned already about the failure.
There are so much to discuss about backstabbers. They are the most fearful people if leader is trasparent and decide to take action against them. They can do anything and everything to remain in the organisation. They are so fearful that they can not leave the organisation. That is why backstabbers not only backstab but bootlick, boondoggle, badmouth, flatter, adulate etc.. And that is the key to their survival.
This is a great question, and relates to a lot of conditions and circumstances that seem negative through the eyes of my self. My self, I want to get away from pain and guard myself against repeat offense, however as Christ gains presense in my heart, He teaches me to lay down my response, and ask Him in me what His response is.
As I study Him, and see that He learned obedience through the things he sufferred, I understand that Go is working ALL things together for the good of those who love Him. Now, I ask God why He is allowing this, and what He wants me to learn form the present situation. In the end, all that does not submit to Christ is cast out into outer darkness, where there is gnawing and gnashing of teeth. When I hear gnawing and gnashing of peoples mouths, I realize that the hearts of those gnawings are coming form are in outer darkness. Often, I experience more of this in religion than I do among the “unchurched”.
I thank God for the Judas’s in my life, because they draw things out of my heart that my self-righteousness would never admit was there….Judgement, lovelessness, self-centeredness, favoritism, self-will, vengence, bitterness, anger, hypocrasy and many more fruits of a dead tree. I am here to follow Christ through the Cross, so that all that is not His will be burned and cast out….to make room for the growth and fruit of the live tree, Christ in me. If God chooses a backstabber to reveal the trouble in my heart, I try to embrace it. (I don’t llike it) I think a key for me has been to learn how to walk by faith, and not by sight. Whatever He allows is for my good, that I will come to glorify Christ in me, my hope of Glory. Good Question.
I fortunately never had to personally deal with backstabbers, but I am familiar with the kind of person you refer to. I hear stories from friends working in other companies, and it’s never a nice situation indeed.
My personal suggestion would be not to offer and “back” at them at all, always staying on top of the situation and trying to provide clear evidence you’re to be mentioned in case of a success directly brought by you. Of course they are pretty obvious advices, and I am not sure they can be safely applied in every situation.
hi there… first time visitor to this site and WOW – love it. I had a backstabber boss… he attempted to have me fired (over an expense claim). It was one of the most traumatic experiences I have ever had (I still remember the date our “hearing” was held on – August 25 — and that was 13 years ago now).
How I dealt with it? First of all, I recognised that a “stab” was in the air. That’s important. Many times we don’t know that a spurious injury is about to be administered until the blade point is in. So, awareness precedes choice.
Secondly, I got some support before the meeting. I did some preparation and found someone ‘in my corner’ who could help me both practically and emotionally.
I didn’t get fired but I learned a lot about backstabbing. That event started my planning to exit out of that organisation…. who would want to remain in that environment, if you had a choice? I exercised my choice and left.
Now, because I’m my own boss, I don’t allow backstabbers into my life. I choose the people around me very carefully. I’m lucky – I have that choice.
Great topic and discussion today Dan.
There is one other org. situation that can breed the passive aggressive backstabber — a culture of “no conflict”. When the leader is terribly uncomfortable with conflict, s/he often shuts down honest discussions that are not totally harmonious. These same leaders, instead, could bring in training on how to disagree with ideas without disrespecting people.
The difference is significant. When people start complaining behind the scenes because they feel it unacceptable to disagree face to face — it can turn into backstabbing.
You mentioned in a previous post that a new hire once asked you: “How do I disagree with you?”
Every leader should post this question for all to discuss — to bring this topic out in the open. Shine the light on this important issue. It can have a wonderfully scalding effect on the true back stabbers.
Kate
Wow! I have so much to learn! Thank you one and all for sharing your wisdom.
I’ve dealt with backstabbers a lot over the years. Situations vary, but I’ve found that humility, patience and thankfulness have served me well because negative people have no idea what to do with me.
Humility doesn’t mean allowing others to walk all over you. It does mean taking responsibility for your actions and being prepared to apologise when necessary so that the team can move forward quickly. It also means relying on others when necessary. No man is an island.
Patience is usually accompanied by a healthy dose of humour and leads to life in the positive. Negative people live in darkness. They can’t stand the light of positivity, especially when it exposes them for who they truly are.
Thankfulness is the result of humility and patience in tandem. You might need to look extra hard to find something to admire in certain people. Chances are few if any others have bothered to try. If the only thing you can think of is that they’ve made a complaint against you and reminded you to be humble, thank them for that. Negativity is incapable of offering an adequate response to a humble, patient, thankful attitude because a negative attitude knows nothing of it.
This describes my ex-boss to a tee. I say ex due to being fired by him. If he said the sky was blue, you better go outside and look.Wow, that speaks volumes. I should have known, but I try to see the good and it ended up costing me. In the end, blessing for me!