Improvisational listening
Rule number one of improvisation: Don’t Deny
Denial is the number one reason most scenes go bad. Any time you refuse an Offer made by your partner your scene will almost instantly come to a grinding halt.
Example: Player A: “Hi, my name is Jim. Welcome to my store.” Player B: “This isn’t a store, it’s an airplane. And you’re not Jim, you’re an antelope.”
Good listeners go with not against
It’s taken me years to realize I’m an adversarial listener. I like to challenge ideas and offer alternatives. In improvisational terms, I frequently go to the “beach” when I should stay in the “store.” Taking store-conversations to the beach rejects the speaker and steals the topic.
Don’t misunderstand, there’s a place to challenge or offer alternatives. My suggestion, go with the speaker until they feel you’ve really listened. Once you’ve “gone with a speaker,” you’ve earned the right to speak.
I think most people seldom if ever feel they’ve been truly heard. I believe one of your greatest powers is the power to affirm another through listening.
The talking stick
I read about ancient Native American cultures that had talking sticks. While a speaker holds the talking stick, listeners are not permitted to speak (so much for active listening). The talking stick protects the speaker. Once a speaker fully states their point, they hand the talking stick to another.
Thoreau wisely said, “It takes two to speak the truth — one to speak and another to hear.”
There’s something comforting about holding the right to state your point without fear of interruption. Listening is a gift that affirms and lifts others.
*****
I recently wrote on listening, “Withhold I, say you.” As you can tell it’s still on my mind.
Can you think of a time when someone really listened to you? What did they do? What were they like?
I identify with what you have written (about being an adversarial listener). I find myself queuing up my response instead of listening through to the end. I don’t think I need to be in a hurry to answer…I do need to be in a hurry to listen.
Oh, and that talking stick? I think sometimes I need to be hit over the head with it to genuinely list! 😉
Thad,
Thanks for your comment. Interesting you thought about using the talking stick as a “threat” to keep people quiet. I can see a speaker just waiting for a listener to open their mouth to speak… Ka Pow on the head! Too funny! 🙂
I’m glad you stopped in to share you insights.
Cheers,
Dan
Dear Dan,
I believe that listening is an essential leadership skill. Usually I always find the time when people listened to me. It is because I listen them. It is a simple logic that when you listen to others, they will usually listen to you. I have experienced it. Of course, there are people who do not allow to you speak. This might be their habits or strategy, but in my opinion, it is surely a weakness that arises out of feeling of insecurity, being dominated and incompetencies. What ever may be the reason, it all leads to protect your ego and fear. And ego and fear arise out of ignorance of knowing everything or nothing.
When you listen to someone, people feel important and respected. And this view and feeling make them to listen to you. When you listen people, they become more open and when people open up it creates positive environment to build relation.
When people do not usually listen to others, it creates an impression that they either do not respect or insult others. But when you only listen to others, even you do not help afterwards, it builds relations. Even speaking in between when people are talking is dis respect. So, person who listens to others before he speaks, is a desireble sign of good leadership.
Dear Ajay,
I enjoy how you emphasize that listening helps others be more open. Great application.
Best to you,
Dan
Ajay is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. YOu can read his bio at http://leadershipfreak.com/ajay-gupta
This made me think of someone that I speak to daily. I’ve become more sensitive to her interruptions and always being so contrary. I feel like I’m not being heard. This put it in perspective for me, she’s an adversarial listener! She cannot help but to offer an alternative thought. How do I continue to relate with her without feeling ignored or countered ALL THE TIME?
Now, to answer your question: when someone is actively listening to me I feel great, empowered, understood. When a person is actively listening, I am more receptive to hearing an alternative because I know that they have heard me. At that point we have a discourse/exchange that adds value to both of us.
This also made me examine myself; how effective am I as a listener and if I am an adversarial listener in certain situations or relationships. I have been. My overwhelming intention was to counter what was said and be heard and not to listen.
Thank you for this post, I got it!
Candice
Candice, you raise a good point:
“…when a person is actively listening, I am more receptive to hearing an alternative because I know that they have heard me…”
Listening (genuine listening) seems to open up an expanse of understanding. It unleashes synergy. The definition of synergy is when 1 + 1 = 3. That’s when two people can sit down and listen to each other and come to a better conclusion than either one could on their own.
Nice insight you raised.
Candice,
Love your comment. It’s open, honest, and sincere. Very enjoyable to read.
How can you get someone to listen to you? I think most of us have been in your shoes.
I’ve adopted the strategy that I’ll let them talk and interrupt but I’ll continue going back to the issue they need to hear. It may not be the best but sometimes I “politely” interrupt them and slowly explain that I need something from them.
Thanks again for a wonderful comment.
Cheers,
Dan
Hi Dan,
Can you explain this subject more in a post about how perspective affects listening.
What about people who cant take it when others are looking at just a portion of a thing or not balanced in their thinking
Can you think of a time when someone really listened to you? What did they do? What were they like?
I was at lunch with a friend recently, and the stated purpose of the lunch (when he issued the invitation) was to discuss several things he was tossing back and forth mentally about some life choices. I was in my element – pulling out all the reflective listening tools, consciously not making directive statements about what he should do, etc. We had gotten through all three of his things when he said, “Now, what do you need to talk about?” I drew a blank. This story comes to mind because it can be very empowering for the “listenee” and the “listener” to trade places and support each other – by being vulnerable myself and offering up some things that I needed/wanted counsel on, I would have changed the dynamic of our lunch and friendship for the better.
Paula,
Another story that keeps us focused on listening. Nice.
“What do you need to say to me?” Ka Pow!
Thank you for stopping in,
Dan
Paula is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. You can read her bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/paula-kiger
I have been listened to before. The clues were mostly non-verbal. Eyes were fixed on me. Arms were not crossed. An occasional nod. A slight leaning forward. And a pause after I was done talking (which indicated he wasn’t just waiting for me to finish so he could say what was in his mind).
Scott,
Thank you for sharing from your own experience. Love the “pause.” That takes discipline.
Best,
Dan
I look forward to adding Scott to the featured contributor family. You’ll be able to learn more about him soon.
Excellent! Love the Thoreau quote and your reference to the talking stick. I have actually used that idea with clients and something amazing happens. The people least likely to speak all of a sudden have a whole lot to say.
Susan,
An affirmation is a pleasure to receive.
I can just see the quiet folks lighting up when they get a chance to speak.
All the best,
Dan
One of my favorite quotes: God has given us two ears and only one mouth and that should tell us something!
Hi Rick , that’s a good one.
I recently shared this issue with a job seeker who’s struggling getting past the interview stage. They have no trouble getting high level contacts, but the next step is a ‘black hole’ of no response, no follow up.
I explained he was a ‘negative responder’ – every time I offered an idea it was met with a quick and unequivocal ‘no’. As I was explaining about negative responders he immediately said ‘no I’m not’. I just pointed and said ‘There it is again’.
I have come to realize that our American “John Wayne” culture works against us as leaders in this regard. We’re too quick to insist that vision and implementation be according to our ideas, leaving no room for others.
For example, recently I met with a partnership that’s working on poverty and hunger in Liberia. The result they wanted was to end poverty. The tactic they insisted on was charitable contributions to buy them a threshing machine. The purpose of the meeting (in their mind) was to solicit contributions from us or our contacts. While I’d like to help, I don’t have the money to contribute. Worse for them, they’ve met with others who do have the money to contribute and yet they still haven’t raised money.
During the conversation I suggested a couple of alternative ways they could raise the funds from the community. Each and every suggestion was met with a flat and final ‘no’.
When asked how long they’d been working on this project and how far they’ve progressed: “5 years, and point 5% of the way to the goal” was their response.
They couldn’t understand why they hadn’t made more progress.
I submit that it was because they couldn’t listen.
I’ve learned listening is a pre-cursor to help. No listen, no help.
I’ve quit offering advice and help – most people don’t want it or need it in America. They need someone to listen without judgement or advice.
Alan,
I totally agree with you. As a fixer, it’s difficult for me to withhold my “cure” and just listen to the other person. But when I do, wow! It’s simply amazing how much more creative a person can be when they feel they are heard. Most fixes come from the person with the issue in the context of a listening friend.
Maybe it’s best to replace “no” with “tell me more…”
Scott your “tell me more” brought up a somewhat related parallel learning, hope I am not heading too far down Dan’s beach with this…
Dr. Fred Frese, a psychologist who also has schizophrenia, is a great speaker for mental health advocacy issues. He speaks eloquently about ways to approach folks who are having mental health difficulties, even more intense psychosis. How do you talk to someone who truly believes they are Napoleon or that there is an international conspiracy of one sort or another?
Rather than jumping to the rational, disagreeing, trying to reorient or correct, he suggests the best response is, simply say, “that’s very interesting, tell me more.”
By those 6 words, it shows you are really listening, you value the conversation, its open ended, you are not arguing, you seek to learn and you want to be a partner in what can be a mutual conversation. (It also gives you time to perhaps do a virtual walk in their shoes or see more clearly from their eyes.)
How engaging is that!
The other person is risking by espousing a perspective or value, so a solid leader needs to acknowledge that first. That is a big risk. Again with a leadership competency in mind, once acknowledged, seek to learn more, what are the underpinnings of that perspective? Will they help advance the interaction, the people involved, the initiative and ultimately the organization? The message behind such action is that this is an ongoing learning organization that values new ideas and fresh perspectives. That people are heard…and their ideas valued.
So, if I didn’t stray at the beach too much, perhaps there is application here. When we hear a new idea that is very different than the path we were intending. When an alternative we had not considered is brought to the foreground.When we are challenged. Perhaps a ‘planned improv’ set up line is in order and is the first priority, starting with “that’s very interesting, tell me more…’
Thanks for the opportunity to riff Scott!
Very interesting comment, Doc. The 6 words come from an attitude of curiosity and wonder (something inherent in a good listener). I once heard:
“If you listen long enough, people will give you all you need to successfully interact with them.”
Hey guys,
Thanks so much for this great thread. What great value!
Best
Dan
Alan is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read his bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/alan
As always, Covey said it best when it comes to listening in the context of conversation: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Deeply listen until you understood the other’s point of view and situation; but do not deny your own and bring it into play when relevant. My objection to the coaching model as taught by most coaching schools is that the coach leaves himself at the door. Be fully present: listen, then talk, and thus fully engage.
Mark,
Thanks for jumping. I’m with you, love the Covey quote.
Best,
Dan
Mark is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read his bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/mark-freiedman
In this “instant information” age it’s very rare to find someone available to listen to you without being interrupted halfway through. I wouldn’t go as far as the “talking stick” example but sometimes being “forced” to listen would be a good idea.
Gabriel,
Maybe a listening dollar? Or a listening ball?
Thanks man,
Dan
Short and sweet – listening is a two way street. Both directions have to be actively engaged in moving forward; even though it might be in opposite directions.
Thank you John!
If you don’t have ‘talking stick’ the holder of a super soaker squirt gun carries much authority… 😉
LOL … I’m still having fun and you are one of the reasons!
Dan, great timing. I’m preparing to have just such a conversation this afternoon. Fortunately, I had already decided to put aside my adversarial listener and just listen to understand. We’ll see how this helps my perspective AND perhaps how I can use her ideas in working with the group to work on some past wounds in the group. I think I stand a much greater chance of coming up with a more workable solution if I take the improvisational listener approach. Perhaps this approach will also help her to be less of an adversarial listener. I often find that if I am the one to take away the resistance in the conversation it flows better. Thanks, Dan.
Jim
Jim,
Super comment. I hope things went well.
Best regards,
Dan
An excellent point, well delivered, Dan. When I teach meeting management, I make a point of discussing the queue: each person who wants to talk is added to a list. This serves 3 purposes. 1) greater breadth of participation because people who usually get talked over by louder participants know that they’ll be heard when it’s their turn. 2) people know that they’ll have a chance to talk, so they use the interim time to listen, instead of figuring out how to get noticed by the discussion leader. 3) people are more concise when they actually get the chance to talk, because they’ve taken a moment to jot down their thoughts so they don’t forget them.
Susan,
What a great value add to this discussion. I can see that all three benefits are valid and useful.
Thank you,
Dan
I heard it said that ‘listening is an ethical act’ (Jacob Needleman) and I agree.
When I feel really listened to, I don’t get the sense that the other person is just waiting by what s/he then says in response. That is the interchange reflects both of our views and sentiments. As a coach, I routinely ask my clients how do you know when you are being listened to and they set the criteria for me. (I have never had a client who doesn’t know the answer to that question)….in that way, I listen the way they want me to and it keeps me very present and more likely to hear them not just listen to them.
Cinnie,
Wow, what a powerful question? I’m going to use it.
Here’s to you for sharing your insights.
All the best,
Dan
I really like your quote from J. Needleman, wise, wise words! Sets a different perspective and obligation with listening. And we can always act more ethically!
Dan,
My wife now has a name for my listening style.
I know it is something I do, and with her I sometimes lapse into this style without even realizing it as I am not on my guard against it to the extent I am at work. I believe it is rooted in my families tendency to debate subjects as part of normal discussions.
Thanks for this post.
Hey Bobby,
Nice! I love real life stories.
Perhaps we all should find names for our listening style?
Cheers,
DAn
I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t offer advice until the person specifically asks for it – twice.
There are 2 levels of asking for advice, the first is actually asking for validation as a person. The second is “I respect you enough to value and listen to your insight, please tell me what you see’.
I’ve found I don’t get to either level until I’ve fully heard them out. Sometimes it can take a while, sometimes we never get there – because they’ve heard their answer in what they’ve said.
I learned from my friend Erl Stinson at http://deepminddynamics.com that people are verbal processors. They are unable to listen to advice until they talk themselves through it.
Alan,
Wow! what great insight and restraint! Perhaps a great downfall of leaders is over-eagerness to help. After all, my opinion is the right one, thats why I have it.
Thanks for adding value a second time and leaving an additional resource.
Best regards,
Dan
Excellent post, Dan. I’ve used a line of yours to illustrate my latest post on a related topic on The Radical Ear: http://bit.ly/gnoYZg – Thompson
Our body language says a lot about we listen to someone and if we are showing interest in what they say.
I have been in a group where we did use the ‘talking stick’ and it was very hard for group members not to interject when they did not have the stick. It is a challenge. Good post and I will be passing it on to others!
Cool – we use the talking stick round the campfire – I’m going to take it to work now as well. Cheers – Doug