People are frustrating?
“Have you tried to ‘fix’ anybody lately?”
One of life’s biggest frustrations is other people. Am I right? People just don’t behave, perform, or have the attitudes you want them to have.
Who can we change?
John G Miller author of, QBQ! The Question Behind the Question, gave me a swift kick in the pants by saying what we already know. The only person I can change is me.
I think we’re addicted to focusing on others and excusing ourselves. Miller asks groups all over the world, “What’s the one thing you would change to improve the effectiveness of your organization?” He’s never had anyone say, “Me.” It’s always someone or something else.
Personal happiness and personal freedom begin when we stop excusing ourselves and begin taking personal responsibility.
What we can do
Although we can’t “fix” others, we can encourage, coach, teach, delegate to, correct, comfort, and in other ways create a platform for another’s success.
However, people change from the inside-out, not from the outside-in. In my experience, people resist us when they feel we are trying to change them. On the other hand they welcome us when they believe we accept them.
Winners
When I reviewed QBQ!, John Miller offered to sign and send 12 of his books to randomly selected individuals that left comments. I put everyone’s name in a Tupperware bowl and my lovely wife drew the following names.
Winners of QBQ! The Question Behind the Question:
- Jean Radeztsky
- Ajay Gupta
- Paula Kiger
- Paul Bartel
Winners of Flipping the Switch
- Jnstruck (Jim)
- Bobby
- Pastor Mario De Leó
- Harry Colegrove
Winners of Outstanding! 47 Ways to Make your Organization Exceptional
- Jeffrey L
- Ashley Musick
- Elena Patrice
- Andrea
I’m sending you folks an email so I can get your snail mail address. Congratulations!
*****
What are the behaviors and attitudes “people fixers” exhibit?
In my experience people fixers tend to be ‘know it alls’; they generally have to be right; they may be micromanagers and there may be a fear of loss of control that shows up in various ways including attempts to influence the outcome to be what they want.
Cinnie,
What a great observation re: know it alls’ … Ding Ding. You rang a bell with that one.
Thanks for freely sharing your insights.
Best,
Dan
add to these thoughts about “WE CAN NOT CHANGE” others that MOST people do not resist CHANGE, they generally RESIST BEING CHANGED.
Alan,
Nicely said, I think you nailed. I hate it when people try to change me. On the other hand, I like it when people embrace my personal vision and are willing to help me become the person I want to become.
Cheers,
Dan
What a powerful blog! It’s interesting you wrote it today, at least to me. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit over the weekend.
If you want to take this to the next step, you realize that you can’t “fix” yourself either. Mostly because there isn’t anything wrong with you – you just need to lose some of the “junk” you learned growing up – like you aren’t smart enough, or handsome/pretty enough, etc. – that causes you to be afraid to step into your own power. And, of course, keep your nose in your own business.
I’d like to add inspire, support and connect to your list of things we can do….
Love your blogs! Keep ’em coming.
Georgia,
Thanks for your encouraging words.
Love your comment. Thx also for the gr8 addition to the things we “can” do.
Best to you,
Dan
As a systems thinker I am always intrigued by “people fixers’ ” belief (attitude) that they know “ALL” about the person they are trying to fix. There are just too many contributing factors that intervene in our lives for any of us to know what is necessary to fix someone else. Sure we can guide and counsel, but to “fix” implies the one needing fixing is “broken” and the one doing the fixing is not “broken.” Spend less time trying to fix others and more time fixing the one looking back at you in the mirror each morning.
Jim,
I’m always thankful when you drop in to share your insights and perspectives.
You aren’t the only one indicating people fixers are “know it alls”
Best regards,
Dan
Jim is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. YOu can read his bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/james-leeman
I have started a comment on this twice and keep going back to square one. First, it is simply ridiculous to think we really know “what needs to be fixed” about another person. They may have behaviors (rudeness, failing to follow directions, punctuality issues) that we want to fix/change, but the true leader tries to understand what is behind those behaviors, and how that individual can motivate themselves to change.
This is a HUGE one for parenting tie-ins as well. My teenager and I have been at odds with each other all of December. She is incessant with questions about how the Christmas “bounty” will go, what she will get, how she will get it, the list goes on and on. I find myself shutting down every time the conversation starts – in our family we are dealing with a job loss and several other stressors making it a challenging time, and she has been told the “teenager appropriate” version of this. But I have to remind myself that her questions aren’t necessarily about WHAT she is getting, but have more to do with trying to get her head around a holiday season that won’t be like the ones that came before — to know that she is loved and that we understand the status struggles among teenagers. My ability to respond to that has everything to do with my willingness to reframe the discussion (and my view of the issues) and nothing to do with her.
What we can do?
We need to understand people through heart, not through eyes.
Our eyes can’t give full picture of self, however it will give a full picture of other, that’s the reason we tend correct others than us.
If we understand through our heart, we get a full picture of us and less about others; this will help correcting self first and help others.
Very good article. The point of “You can only change yourself,” is such a powerful statement. I agree with the person earlier who wrote that most of the time people that try and change everyone are “know-it-alls.”
There is a great quote from the book The Alchemist, “Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”
Good morning Dan. I agree with all of the cooments in particular that the only one we can truly change is ourselves. I feel that being supportive by lending an “ear” can some times have a striver impact. Mastering the art of listening is no simple task and books have been written about it. Secondly I find that modeling behaviors coupled with “active” listening can provoke introspection and lead people to self awareness which is the first step in any self improvement strategy. In this global and constantly changing environment I would dare say we are all challenged and frequently needing to re-invent ourselves. We must look at each other in the collective and incorporate those habits which best suit us for the moment as I am sure others will look at us and do the same. Our diversity is one of our most unique strengths and we don’t avail ourselves of it enough. Have a great week, regards Al
I’ll admit it, I used to be a “people fixer” but I can honestly say that it didn’t come from a sense of being a “know it all” but more out of a genuine concern for others. I knew I had my fair share of problems (I still do), yet I wanted to add value to the lives of others so when I saw an area that I thought needed “fixed” I would often give my advice and opinions on how that person should correct the problem. You can imagine how well that usually went over! Several years ago I learned the truth that the only person I can “fix” is myself, however I still had that desire to help others become their best. I had no idea how to approach the task effectively though so I usually resorted to “people fixer” mode. This last year I was introduced to the concept of Life Coaching which I immediately fell in love with. The basic concept of life coaching is “helping people grow without telling them what to do” and it has dramatically changed my life and how I help other people. It allows me to fulfill my calling without being a “people fixer.” I highly encourage everyone to looking into the coaching model of leadership. I cannot think of a better way to positively affect the lives of others.
I am sure I wouldn’t have said that I needed to change to improve the effectiveness of my organization. It’s always someone else who is the “problem”. But if you aren’t part of the solution, then you ARE part of the problem.
Thanks for my kick too.
“people change from the inside-out” is an excellent point Dan, perhaps the key to fixes, frustration and being flummoxed.
Because it is an inside-out process, a seed being planted that may be slow to germinate, it requires much more effort, listening and active engagement in leaders. And the frustration is that of the leaders who foist it on the perceived resistance.
Asking genuine questions that help shed a light, water (and fertilize?) the planted seed.
As with plants (geez, this is starting to sound like the movie ‘Being There’) being attentive to pace and patience, not too much water, light or prodding will create growth opportunities for all involved.
Sometimes we are too proud and be stay firm facing a problem or a situation, we forget that the real power comes from adaptation, changing like water around a rough experience, adapting to what’s happening to earn a favorable outcome.
Not always possible, but definitely a more positive way of thinking.