Nasty and don’t know it
Research shows that people that hurt others with biting remarks and sarcasm don’t realize the pain they cause. In addition, mean people forget the sarcasms, cutting put-downs, and jabbing jokes they’ve said. However, others remember.
Don’t excuse cutting remarks by saying something ridiculous like, “I didn’t mean it.” It doesn’t matter that you didn’t mean it. Accept that you and your words matter.
Lost leadership
You need the people around you to be open to your influence. You diminish yourself and your leadership when others construct protective walls to shield themselves from your stinging tongue. You lessen your potential for positive impact.
Stopping isn’t enough
Often, stopping a negative behavior is enough to enhance success. Orson Card correctly commented, “Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken.” However, someone incorrectly said, “The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid.” It’s true, holding back cutting words is useful but an unsaid unkindness is never enough. After being hurt by you, silence is viewed in a negative light.
The kindest word is the spoken word that lifts, encourages, and enables. Benjamin Franklin wisely said, “As we must account for every idle word, so must we account for every idle silence.”
The harsh words that, “don’t matter,” do. The higher you go the more casual comments matter.
You could be nasty and not know it. Determine to build up, enable, and give life rather than tear down. The good news is the same tongue that hurts can also heal.
*****
What are some of the kindest things leaders can say?
What are some of the subtly harsh and hurtful things you’ve heard leaders say?
Dear Dan,
I think some of the kindest things leaders can say is showing without saying. Action speaks louder than words. When leader say, people wait to see the action and when action is not matched with statement, then it creates distrust. so, leaders should say what they can do and in time. Doing sometimes later loses trust. Similarly, there are leaders who only say. They say beautiful jargons, statement, and looks very touchy and smart while making statement. They create good impression initially but when they do not meet their promise, people see them differently. Then they lose trust permanently. Even if they say sorry, they are exposed. so, I think some of the harsh and hurtful words leader say is saying without showing.
Being leadership role model does not require you to say and then do. It demands your action, attitude and courage that can influence others to find their dreams and goals. Leaders should take care the interest of others before themselves. But when they do it opposite , they stop to be leaders.
There are people who are professionally trained to speak soft, good and appealing words but in fact they are the most dangerous ones. And there are people who speak harsh but do not keep anything at back. My belief on this is that the person speaking excessively soft and sweet is dangerous. And the person speaking straight and without sugar coated language is good. I also believe that one should test the words and actions of people, and this will provide clue to judge the person.
Good stuff, Ajay. Couldn’t agree more.
Excellent points Dan. There are two phrases that a leaders cannot use enough.
“Thank You” as it shows appreciation and “I’m sorry” which shows accountability for words and actions.
Often, in reacting with emotion or even in expressing humor we intentionally or unintentionally “wound with our words” as Kate Nasser has often said. Last year Kate did a great video about this for Meet The Tweets. I encourage all the Leadership Freak community to watch this short 2 minute video: http://www.meetthetweets.com/MTT08.html
Hi Dan:
kindest words:
Hello [insert name].
I was wrong on that one, thanks for putting me right.
Harshest words:
I don’t need that now.
Just playing devils advocate… (Meaning I’m right your’e wrong but don’t know it yet).
Later. (Just that)
Richard (thats a separate paragraph by the way).
So true, so true. And yet, it seems to me that people pride themselves on being sarcastic, cynical, and often just plain mean. I see it more and more in the “friendly” banter that goes on between co-workers and colleagues.
It often startles me when it is directed at me – and because I am a woman of a certain age – I will frequently stop the conversation, and ask “did you mean that the way it sounded”? I prefer speaking from the heart, with love.
Thanks for the post!
Georgia
Thanks, Georgia. I will use this method with my 14-year-old. i was going to write “against my 14-year-old”, but that’s not the point, is it?
Thanks again!
Richard.
Dan, I grew up in a family that used a fair amount of sarcasm. My first wife’s family was even worse. I got really good at it. It was probably 10 years before I realized not only the hurt, but how using sarcasm was a way to create distance so we didn’t really have to relate.
It took me another 6 years to shed it from showing up in my leadership style. I was fortunate enough to have a manager tell me, “You know Jim, for people who don’t know you, those types of sarcastic comments come across as you being an _ _ _.” Wow, thank you for taking the risk to share that with me. You are so right.
Lots of good comments about the nicest thing we can say is “I’m sorry”; and the nicest thing we can do is “prove it” by having our actions align with those words.
Thanks for reminding me that the distance between being a person who is great to work with and the opposite really isn’t that far…I think it goes back to an early post “Your mouth makes you dumb.” I’ve certainly resembled that remark.
Jim
Hey Jim,
Great addition. Agree entirely,sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and a huge power play. Best left well behind, and that is very hard to do.
Richard
I love the statement “The higher you go the more casual comments matter.” That’s something I need to do some serious thinking about. Thanks for getting the brain working this morning Dan!
What are some of the kindest things leaders can say?
What are some of the subtly harsh and hurtful things you’ve heard leaders say?
I once overheard my supervisor (at the time), who is almost always sarcastic (verbally and in email) say to a soldier at an airport, “we appreciate what you do.” I was overwhelmed by the contrast. Likewise, a supervisor before that who was well known for verbal volatility in the workplace and I arrived home from an out of town trip. We arrived at her house and her son, around 3 years old or so ran up to her, complaining that the big kids were leaving him out of their activities. She said, dripping with empathy, “we’ll find some little boy things to do.” It was amazing to me to see this different side and helped me understand that an additional facet of this person around whom we often walked on eggshells was a sensitive, nurturing parent. It didn’t change a lot about office behavior, but somehow helped me accept it better understanding her ability to nurture – somewhere.
I have to say most of my experience is with the overtly sarcastic! But one form of harsh and hurtful is to completely cut an individual out of the communication loop. I once heard a supervisor say “there are some people I just delete their emails upon seeing their name” – we all worked with each other daily, and we all knew who the “banned” person was – I guess more than sarcastic, harsh or hurtful it was unfair, unprofessional, and ultimately detracted from the organizational mission b/c the unread emails may have been pertinent to getting the job done.
Dan,
Terrific post and comments.
When Leaders use “Thank you” and “Good job” they actually show great leadership.
It is hard to do, but, if we took the time to think about what we are going to say we would probably realize how those words could be misconstrued and how they may hurt the person on the receiving end.
Bottom line is treat and speak to others the same way that you want to be spoken to and treated.
Kindness and insensitivity are choices. I’ve found that managers who speak down or disparage others are the same indivduals complaining they are ignored/abused. Not a new theory.
My ex-boss had a rough time with his superiors. He was rough on me and others claiming his intensity was needed to get the job done. At times, I’d confront him, things would get better then slip. I explained he had great management/leadership skills that dissapear with his cool.
I sense his future’s been limited. His superior became the #2 person in our organization – not good for him. I was pulled to work directly for #2. My ex-boss is a friend, it pains me to hear him describe how hard he’s going to be as a “new day starts”. Sounds like the same day to me.
Break the cycle. A person who takes 5% from 20 people is down a 100% to start. Who wants that person in charge?
I admit that in my business I kinda have the tendency to go with sarcasm and jokes that, even if meant in a non-mean way, can *easily* be perceived as so.
I usually don’t go much further but I also make sure to make sure the “recipient” is enabled to see the true intentions of my words, and that his/her hard work isn’t put in danger by that, or questioned in any way.
Acting in a more tactful and sometimes “professional” way is surely a good resolution for this year for me.
The correlation between unkind words and bullying warrants heeding. Nastiness has a way of compounding itself and turning into patterns that gain unexpected momentum! Thanks, Dan, for turning up the volume on this important topic. ~Dawn
Another great post, Dan! Coming from a customer service standpoint, kind and positive words are so important. One positive comment from leader to employee can boost productivity and best of all morale in a single instant.
Hi, Dan, good post
Some years ago I worked for a company that has a director liked sarcasm and to mock. It was a great strategy to keep himself as a director. The self-esteem of the team was low, and he took advantage from that to make himself the best in the eyes of the board. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t realize he was digging its own grave. So, years after the company fired him. Of course, after to many victims. Thanks. JD
Dan,
The topic of being nasty is of course right in my zone — people skills. Your post raises an interesting question — do people truly not know when they are being nasty? I suppose it’s possible.
What I find more frequent, in business, is that the “nasty” person has convinced himself or herself that the ends justify the means. I see far more of the justification syndrome going on rather than unawareness.
Nonetheless, the fallout of this behavior is grave. Teams, businesses, and productivity suffer.
Thank you for this post and its reminder that “the same tongue that hurts can also heal.” Desire will drive that action!
Kate
This is a prime example of why culture is so important & should be a priority to the leaders of an organization. It sets the tone for all going forward. This issue of meanness is something that I have always had a hard time with. Everyone I know wants to have a comfortable relationship with the people they work with. They want the office to feel welcoming & have an ease with their coworkers. Many times this leads some to joke around- which is fine- except when they have a different idea of what is funny. Making a joke at someone else’s expense can lead to hurt feelings & eventually high turnover. Regardless if it was a joke- many people wouldn’t say something if it wasn’t true to them deep down. Otherwise the thought would never pop in their head to begin with. It’s best for all to show greater respect towards one another & leave the spiteful kidding out of the workplace.