Hard truths about soft-skills
Leaders lacking in soft-skills face hard realities. Poor relational skills always hover near or at the top of every list that explains why leaders fail.
Reasons
Arrogance may be the reason soft-skills are hard for you. You may feel your strengths, talents, and gifts are more valuable. Don’t fall into the trap of maximizing your talents while minimizing others. Let another’s gifts and strengths humble you rather than irritate you.
People are drawn to humility.
Narrowness may be a reason soft-skills are hard for you. You’re so excited about creating time-lines that you can’t see the people side of execution and delivery. Overcome myopia by asking others to explain the challenges they face. And for heaven sake, when they share, don’t offer solutions! Thank them. Say, “It’s helpful to learn about your challenges.”
People are drawn to those that understand them.
Blindness
You may fail at soft-skills because you just don’t see your lack. That’s the way it is with people that lack soft-skills. Here’s a tip. If you don’t think you need improvement, it’s likely you have blind-spots.
You need others to tell you what you look like to others.
Leverage weaknesses
Use the behaviors that are hard for you as soft-skill ticklers.
- If you’re abrupt, admire patience.
- If you feel under-appreciated, show appreciation.
- If you struggle with anger, lift those who have self-control.
Avoid
Don’t make honoring others about you. In other words, avoid phrases like, I’m so impatient but you seem great at it. Leave the, “I’m so impatient” part out. Just say, I admire your patience.
People enjoy you when you enjoy them.
How can “hard” leaders develop soft-skills?
I love this entry! I didn’t even realize that I was making it about me when trying to compliment other people. When I read the last paragraph, I could only think “ouch! That’s me!”. I guess that was one of my blind spots!
Thank you for packing in several valuable lessons into a very tiny blog!
Well done!
Rochelle, it sounds like you have a very open attitude toward recognizing your blind spots – that’s always the first step!
I agree. It’s the wise person who takes feedback and parlays it into become better than they were before the feedback. Good for you, Rochelle.
I learned something from Dan’s post as well. I hope I have the teachable spirit you have.
Rochelle,
Thanks for your encouragement.
When you share your story you encourage others.
The challenge of blindspots is we don’t see them… 🙂 Then when someone points them out, we don’t believe them because we don’t see them. 🙂
Best,
Dan
Yep and Dan is great at keeping that convex mirror up for us all to see the broader image! Actually the whole LF community is does this quite well.
Dan,
This needs to be discussed more among leadership coaches and management experts.
Some old school leaders discount, manners and personality. They don’t get it. I’d rather have a personable leader who can discuss issues with me than a know-it-all, no discussion, dictator.
I’ve seen a negative trend more so in technically oriented fields. (Less contact with people and more contact with inanimate complicated objects) The technically oriented fields tend to need a bit more leadership focused training. Anyone else notice that or is it just me?
-Matt
Matt,
Social skills may not come naturally to the technically oriented. What sometimes follows is a discounting of those qualities they aren’t good at.
Additionally, I frequently see in the halls of leadership the attitude that I got here because I’m talented so I don’t need to improve. That approach doesn’t enhance soft-skills.
Thanks for stimulating conversation.
Best,
Dan
I agree, Matt.
“The Carnegie Foundation discovered that to be successful on the job, relational skills are far more important than knowledge. It’s research found that only 15 percent of a person’s success is determined by job knowledge and technical skills. Eighty-five percent is determined by an individual’s attitude and ability to relate to other people.”
That’s a quote from this post:
http://www.sermoncentral.com/sermons/a-servant-attitude-key-to-success-in-relationships-ray-ellis-sermon-on-forgiveness-general-77060.asp
Scott,
Thanks for the link. My opinion was just based on my own observations. I guess I may have picked up on something.
-Matt
Dan, I couldn’t have written a better post. How can a leader develop soft skills? I’d say gorging on anything he/she can get their hands on RE emotional intelligence. Here’s a list of scholarly articles on the topic if anyone is interested…
http://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=emotional+intelligence+at+work&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart
Scott,
Wow! Thanks for adding value to the community. I respect our investment of time and insight.
Best,
Dan
Thanks for bringing Google Scholar up as a resource Scott…definitely can be another tool to keep leadership current and fresh.
This is another post that will (should, at least!) hit a nerve with many people, in a good way.
One of my coworkers was discussing an assessment that he had participated in recently that resulted in a piece of information about how he handled himself in meetings – he commented that he was in a week later and found himself automatically doing the “undesirable” behavior – while recognizing simultaneously that it is unproductive – demonstrating how deeply seated these kinds of soft skill issues can be.
I would add one other thing to this conversation. Choosing to communicate via email when a message really should be delivered in person just prolongs a difficult exchange and creates a situation that all the great soft skills in the world can’t necessarily save. A previous supervisor was extremely curt and sarcastic in responses to my emails – maybe that supervisor didn’t intend these responses to come across that way, and maybe I was oversensitive. I did give that feedback several times but that particular pattern was never really broken and I am under a different supervisor now. I still regret that the individual and I never found a more effective way to communicate. As a subordinate, it colored much of the way I related to the supervisor and led to an environment where productivity and morale were diminished.
Paula,
Love your stories!
Your story about how old behaviors die hard is so true and challenging. Plus you email story drives home valuable insights.
I’ve over used email and later regretted it. Nothing like putting a face with the words so that others can get a full message.
Thanks for all you do.
Dan
Paula is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read her bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/paula-kiger
Nice post Dan! My zone for sure. My favorite point in your post: Stop praising your weaknesses “I’m so impatient”.
If you want to develop and grow — start making statements about how you will improve. Ask others for help. People who are good at people skills can share great insight on their inspiration and actions.
Kate
Kate,
“start making statements about how you will improve.” Now there’s an idea! 🙂
Thanks for dropping in,
Dan
Kate is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read her bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/kate-nasser
Love this. I forget where I learned this, but one way to help you identify possible blind spots/lacks, is to think about what you dislike and/or criticize most in other people. Often, what we criticize most in others are traits we don’t like about ourselves. Thanks for another insightful post, Dan.
Karen,
Great point. I think there’s some real truth what irritates us about others we do ourselves.
Cheers,
Dan
Dear Dan,
I agree that arrogance and narrowness play road blocking role in learning soft skills. I also believe that being judgemental prevents learning and being open encourages learning. Generally we create self defence mechanism by criticising others and appreciating our values. Leaders can develop soft skills by acceptance, openness and having mentor. You need to have more courage to accept your feedback. So, arrogant people lack courage and respect. They need stronger courage to face reality and respect others comments. Though it is not always necessary that feedbacks are right but it is to be taken into right intentions.
I strongly believe that arrogance is inversely linked with efforts and relations. More the arrogance, less the efforts and relations and vice versa. Therefore, diluting arrogance increases efforts and relations. So, to develop new skills in general and soft skills in particular, one need to lessen arrogance and that makes all the things possible.
Ajay,
Thanks for sharing your insights.
You point out something I hadn’t considered. arrogance is inversely linked with effort. So true. We all know someone or perhaps we have been “over-confident.” Which of course is a kind way of saying, arrogant. Over-confidence leads to defeat…people don’t put effort in when they are over-confident.
Best Regards,
Dan
Ajay is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read his bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/ajay-gupta
Great entry, Dan. My more task oriented coachee’s many times fail to understand some of the minimum’s they need in “soft” skills in order to be more effective and successful. They develop these only when they see the gap(s) in their own behavior, many times by being exposed to their “blindspots” as you mention. I have found success by giving them a framework for improving/developing their behavior in four areas. First, they have to be part of welcoming new people into their organization and into their role. They have to provide clarity about that role and the expectations that go with it. They have to be able to show support for that individual (frequent conversations about performance), and they have to be able to show that they value that person and their work. These “cornerstones” helps them see what the “end game” is and this often helps them be more receptive in what skills/behaviors they need to develop. A task-driven person may never be great at the soft skills, but any movement that improves their relational ability helps.
Jim
Jim,
Wonderful suggestion for developing soft-skills. I can see how your project stretches people into realms of discovery. Nicely put.
Thank you for sharing your insights.
Best to you,
Dan
I had to laugh when I read this: “And for heaven sake, when they share, don’t offer solutions!” This is true not just in the professional field, but at home, as well. Sometimes our significant others are so motivated to help us, that they immediately start trying to fix our problems, instead of letting us talk out the challenges. And vice versa. First, listen. Let the challenges come out. Only then start discussing how together you can work them out.
Susan,
It’s always a pleasure when you join the conversation.
Was it Covey that said, “Listen to understand before speaking to be understood?”
Best,
Dan
Great point Susan. This is a big problem for us of the male gender. Our natural tendency is to try to help by solving the problem, when the real solution is to let the other person solve the problem, but to support them while doing so. As we continue to see more empowered women leaders in all fields to serve as examples of what to do in this area, this should become less of an issue.
Dan. One reason that you didn’t discuss, but which I know from personal experience, is personality type. I’m an engineer by training, which is not uncommon for an ISTJ (for those who don’t know what this is, Google Myers Briggs or MBPI) like me. It’s almost an occupational hazard to be weak at soft skills for engineers and similar professions who usually come from a few personality types. Another aspect of this is of course the whole left brain / right brain differences. These can be overcome with training if, and only if, the person becomes aware or is made aware of the issue.
My pet hate is when leaders are aware of their lack of soft skills and they don’t see the value or don’t want to be bothered with making the effort to improve.
I should add they are the same leaders who consistently remain frustrated by poor performers and high turnover. Coincidence? I think not.
Thanks for the great post Dan!
Cheers,
William
William,
I think you tied the two together very succinctly.
I don’t put a lot of weight into coincidences either.
Matt
Thanks Dan that was a good word. I don’t know how you find time to write so much.
Thank you Wayne, and I get up very early every morning! 🙂
Dear Dan,
An eye-opening tip for leaders to practice good soft-skills for their long-term success with good honor and respect. They should never forget that it is through collective efforts of different people and their varied skills the common goals are achieved. Never ever loose the human approach and repect the individuals to take the team along.
Some leaders tend to become hard once they reach the position of power and have an aggressive approach to march ahead with impatience and greed. They then imbibe arrogance, short-temperedness, favouritism etc. and get surrounded by a couterie which becomes the reason of their downfall.
Dr. Asher,
Useful insights. I couldn’t agree more with your idea that once someone gets to the halls of power they tend to think they know everything and surround themselves with people that are glad to agree… sad but true.
Thank you for stopping in today,
Best regards,
DAn
Dr Asher is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. You can read his bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/dr-asher
Awesome post Dan,
You are right about this. I agree with your points most especially the point AVOID. You just have to avoid honoring others about you. Thanks so much for sharing. It helps man 🙂
Hey Samuel, a good word always feels good. Thanks for taking the time to be a people lifter. Cheers, Dan
Hi Dan,
Great post and thanks for the wise tips.
I think we can almost always find a pattern with people using their positional power as a source of influence. (And they claim to be leading!). I believe it has, invariably”, more to do with their ego boosting image and status. Such people think they have a superior and infallible disposition that transcends the need to ever bank on softskills. And, it’s this ego that drives them over the edge to occupy the state of arrogance, carrying themselves to be seen as elitist.
I have been surrounded by Engineers for quite a while now. Sad to say, the majority don’t seem to think soft skills matters when it comes to making software designs and hardware products. And, I have good reason to blame than on the education system at the university where learning have foccused on “hard” academics, theories and formulaes. Little has been done to make that connection to needs of the real working world and what goes into making the ecosystem work.
We also have a seriously flawed model of rewarding people when success is measured in a financial context, at the expense of ‘soft skill” values. Many business have overlooked the importance of leadership accountable over the HOW, as they had with the WHAT.
Cheers
Yuva
Great post..thank you
Greetings everyone, this article has been of so much help. This has been a big AHA! moment for me. I thank you so much for posting this. I didn’t realize I was doing all the opposite, this is a huge game changer. I now have a clear idea to what my blind sports are, and how to correct them.