An Accidental User
Are you abusing high performers through neglect? People get buried or worse yet, burned by highly focused leaders. Passionate vision may transform you into a person that thinks of people as tools. You may need to make things more personal.
Making it personal
Yesterday, I called an active, generous volunteer. He’s the type that consistently says, “Dan, let me know if you need something.” He’s got a big heart and generous spirit.
I’ve called him several times over the last few weeks and he always steps up.
Making interest your interest
Yesterday, I called him again, but not to ask for something. My interest was simply to express interest in him and his family, not even to say thanks. I was just touching base. During the call, I asked if I could do anything for him.
It surprised him. Every other time my number appeared on his caller ID, I asked for something. Right now, He’s ok with that, but I’m not. I don’t want to be an accidental user and abuser.
The trouble with generous, motivated people is you may mistakenly believe they don’t require encouragement. By the time they need encouragement, encouragement may not be enough.
Yesterday, Scott Couchenour left this insightful comment on the post titled: “Why Should Anyone Follow You?”
Be on a mission
Encourage
Say “thank you”
Encourage
Walk your talk
Encourage
Be intolerant of others’ self-destruction
Encourage
(Emphasis added)
Robert Martin rightly observes, “Taking an interest in what others are thinking and doing is often a much more powerful form of encouragement than praise.”
Issues?
Moving from professional to personal interest in someone may seem inappropriate. For example, expressions of interest might be misinterpreted as romantic interest. Or, it may feel intrusive.
*****
How can leaders encourage others by “making it personal?”
What’s dangerous about moving from professional to personal interest? Suggestions for dealing with these dangers?
I have learned that if you show the same interest in all of your people it diminishes the possibility of someone misinterpreting your intentions. I get to know each of my people by knowing their spouses, children and anyone I’ve heard them mention several times names. I also just listen to what they are saying in the workplace. Then, I ask them specific questions about the situation. For example, recently, one of my people was having an issue with the college that she was attending. I followed up with her everyday ensuring that she was getting the customer service she deserved from the college. When she didn’t I helped her chart out a plan to involve other resources to get the results she desired. She didn’t ask me to get involved, I heard she was having a problem and showed an interest in helping. She was happy to let me be involved without her having to come to me directly and ask for help.
If you show interest in everyone and just listen, you will let everyone see that you truly care about them not only on a professional level, but on a personal level. Which is much more empowering. Thanks for the content and time Dan, you are appreciated.
Great comment and example Greg.
Greg,
I agree with Joan…super comment.
Treating everyone the same is a great insight that protects personal interest from becoming something inappropriate.
Cheers,
Dan
Dan, great reminder! I don’t want someone to get knots in their stomachs when they see my number come up!
We always have to look for opportunities to show we care about THEM!
Artie,
Thanks for dropping in and for all you do to enrich others.
Best,
Dan
Dan: Great post. I agree with Greg on this one. You need to be proactive and consistent in getting more personally involved with all of your team. Then when you step in to help a teammate on a personal matter it is congruent with your overall practice.
Here is the rub, if you are not comfortable with more personal interactions – DO NOT FAKE IT. Your people can sense this and it can make matters worse. Instead find someone on your team who is good at it and support them on their efforts. Equally important, watch for signs that the person on the receiving end of the conversation is also comfortable with things being more personal. If you see these signs, respect their feelings and back-off.
Joan,
Great insights. Thanks for adding to the conversation.
Your suggestion correctly assumes that not all leaders are good with the “touchie/feelie” stuff. Following your suggestion may help nurture a more supportive business culture.
With some notable exceptions, I have a sense that “detached professionalism” is out of date. HR and Legal issues are two of the exceptions I’m thinking about.
It’s always an encouragement to see that you’ve taken the time to share with the Leadership Freak community.
Cheers,
Dan
Dan,
Thank YOU for consisently, day after day, starting a great conversation that each of us can participate in.
Joan
Gratitude is always a good attitude to cultivate. And the best time to express it is when you are NOT in need of the person to whom for whom you are grateful! Always remember those who are there for you!
Linda,
Thanks for brining timing to the mix. Following gratitude with a request for new service/work is a great way to minimize or discount gratitude.
Nice one.
Best,
Dan
Dan,
I read that comment yesterday and the one that really stood out to me was, “Be intolerant of others’ self-destruction.” I have a partner who sabotages. He’s always negative and pessimistic. I am not. It grates on me.
I try to be encouraging but I’m failing to encourage because I let my frustration with him take over too often.
The partner is a family member too. So that complicates things.
Does he do the work required, yes. But he doesn’t see the forest from the tree in his face. Almost incapable of seeing the big picture. And he doesn’t like to communicate. He doesn’t keep me informed and I am always finding out about problems after he needs them cleaned up.
So I’m intolerant of his self destruction, but simply being intolerant isn’t getting us anywhere.
-Matt
Matt,
That comment really stood out to me also. I’ll have to ask Scott to elaborate.
Thanks for sharing a bit of your story.
You have my best wishes,
Dan
Someone told me a long time ago about the “emotional bank account”. We simply cannot continue to make withdrawals (asking for something) without making deposits (sincere appreciation).
Scott,
Thanks for reminding us about the “bank metaphor.” I want to be a person that makes more deposits in others than withdraws.
Thanks for your “deposits” here on LF.
Best,
Dan
Scott,
I think the relationship bank between my partner and I is broken. He’s overdrawn his account.
I’ve never looked at it that way before. I can’t understand why he keeps withdrawing without putting in an emotional deposit.
-Matt
Matt – interesting. As the old saying goes, “It’s not what happens to us but what we do with what happens that matters.”
Perhaps the “bank” needs to go to the “customer” and share what’s happening and seek to renegotiate the “banking relationship”. In that way, you are making a huge deposit yourself.
Thoughts?
I, too, try to make contact with people at times other than when I need something. There are those, however, who never seem to realize that’s what they’re doing. And at some point, when you’ve had enough and you say no, it’s interesting to see how long it is before that person calls you again. Sometimes it’s never.
At the office … Interacting more personally with your staff doesn’t have to mean asking about family or the details about someone’s divorce or dying parent. You can ask about a general interest of theirs — dogs, birds, fitness, cooking, music. It’s personal but still distant.
But if that’s still too personal, then simply walking around each day and taking a few minutes to say good morning and say good night goes a long way with most people. It’s a little sad and pathetic when you go for days, even as long as a week, and your supervisor/boss hasn’t made one effort to stop by your office/cube and make small talk.
Another great post, Dan.
Karen,
Very insightful suggestions. Thank you.
I love being the person that says “yes.” I distinctly remember the first time I told a boss “no” after always being the go to guy. It wasn’t pretty. However, we did survive. If they would have touched base once in a while it never would have come to that.
Love your suggestions that the topics of making it personal don’t have to be personal… probably they shouldn’t be…. nicely said.
Cheers,
DAn
How can leaders encourage others by “making it personal?”
What’s dangerous about moving from professional to personal interest? Suggestions for dealing with these dangers?
A friend of mine is scrupulous about writing thank you notes (you know, those very old-fashioned things involving stationery, an envelope, and a stamp) for the smallest of things. When I gave $5 to him for the CROP walk, I got a lovely written note – you would have thought I had given $500! This consistency and attention to detail would serve a leader well when he/she wants to “make it personal” whether by a hand written note, a compliment given in front of others, or some other gesture. A leader who does not wait for the huge success but rather notes personal contributions to the small steps to lead to success is making a wise choice.
As far as moving from professional to personal, I think that has become even more blurry with the advent of social media. For a while, I had any of my coworkers who were on Facebook as my friends, but then the one coworker I didn’t want for reasons I couldn’t exactly put my finger on friend requested me. Thinking I was covering all of my bases, I accepted the request then went back in later and defriended. The individual tracked that and then asked why I had defriended her. I said I had made a personal decision to separate work from social media (for that, at least) and proceeded to delete everyone from work from my FB, except for the one individual who was my friend before she was my coworker. I don’t know what would have been a solution to that, except for thinking through my work/social media dynamics in advance but as with many personal/professional conundrums, it snuck up on me before I realized I was in it. Even though I tend to want to be a sharer, over time I have become less inclined to share the truly personal at work and more inclined to keep my interactions within some “boxes” – hopefully without sacrificing friendliness.
Paula,
Your comments always have such useful stories. I appreciate how you bring real life to the conversation. As you indicate, perhaps that can be problematic.
I read somewhere that very few people ever receive a hand-written thank you note from a boss or supervisor. Sad but true.
I’ve wondered about the same FB issue you bring up. That topic sounds like something that needs more thought. I bet one thing to consider is your reason for being on FB.
Best to you,
Dan
Paula is a featured contributor on LF. YOu can read her bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/paula-kiger
This is so true:
“The trouble with generous, motivated people is you may mistakenly believe they don’t require encouragement.”
I’m off to encourage my wife right now. Thanks, Dan.
I think you’ll enjoy this related post on “Refueling your People”: http://geoffreywebb.wordpress.com/2010/01/21/refueling-your-people/
Geoff,
Glad you mentioned your wife. Sometimes those closest to us are the ones we neglect. Well said… 🙂
Thanks for leaving an added resource for the LF community.
Cheers,
Dan
Dan, great reminders and some great comments from Greg, Joan, Linda, Paula, Karen and Scott. I have found that encouragement/interest is one of the unique and greatest gifts we can give as leaders. We all need it. We all need to feel a sense of support and a sense of value. We have opportunities all the time as it relates to work (how they are doing in relation to what you expect; support for their success (providing great feedback about their work); and value for what they are doing and have done). This is true whether it is in a volunteer situation or not.
We also have a chance to do this personally. My experience is that we know when it is okay to cross the line from professional to personal based on where my relationship is with that person (based on the past interest I’ve taken and how the relationship has matured as a result.) Whether they have experienced something traumatic event, or you notice that they seem to be struggling, your encouragement can make a great difference.
Take an interest by taking time to notice what they say, how they say it, etc., and you have a chance to make an impact in a way that you may never fully realize. As I heard it said once, I can’t remember what they did as much as how they made me feel. My belief is that leaders should be about the business of impacting lives.
Jim
Jim,
I simply can’t imagine leadership without encouragement. That would be like deep-sea diving with a snorkle.
Time to come up for air… 🙂 thanks Scott
Jim,
You said so many great things. Here’s the one I’m taking to the bank, “My belief is that leaders should be about the business of impacting lives.”
On that we are in complete alignment.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
Best,
Dan
How can leaders encourage others by “making it personal?”
Paula mentioned the ‘thank you’ note that a friend does…those are very powerful, still can be framed in a work construct, yet, being handwritten become much more personal. As Joan noted, don’t fake it, especially the handwritten note…it has to be a fairly immediate and specific thanks to that person.
What’s dangerous about moving from professional to personal interest?
There are those who will take dysfunctional advantage of your personal interest to the detriment of the work. Personal calamity bomb after personal calamity takes its toll and impacts productivity of all at ground zero.
Suggestions for dealing with these dangers?
There are layers of overlap for professional/personal interactions and not just leaders need to be aware of the impact of peeling those layers back too far. Paula’s observations are very real with social media…we see much more of the blurring of those lines. As with most changes, start small, start tight and keep evaluating the impact, adjust accordingly.
A true leader is not only a leader in the workplace but also in life. I had the great fortune of being acquainted with a community and world leader who through and act of charity changed and encouraged my life before he even got to know me. His name is John J. Dieter and he passed away Sunday morning at his home at the young age of 49.
John had overcome tremendous adversity in his young adult life and to know his story would encourage anyone. Even though he is no longer with us the world is lucky enough that he told his story in a book called “The Gift of Encouragement.” The topic today made me think of how he had encourage me in my work. I am a Deputy Sheriff by trade and John donated the money to our department to start our first K-9 program in which I was selected to be one of the handlers. It has been a great direction in law enforcement that has positively impacted my life and the life of my family.
I did not know much of anything about John until I was made aware by the Sheriff that he was the anonymous donor of the money to get the program off of the ground. He was just a guy trying to do the right thing for his community as far as I was concerned. When I decided to check out who this person was he has a remarkable story and has made an impact internationally. We became friends and I helped him when I could and he was always gave great encouragement to me.
In short what I am trying to project is that you should not just encourage the people that you are called to lead only through your work but encourage people that you have never met or meet in passing. A true leader should not just turn it on and off when work calls but lead and encourage in every aspect of of daily life.
Quiet heroes, thank you Garrison for telling us about John.
Thanks Doc, it is truly an honor to speak of John Dieter and even though he is no longer with us he will continue to impact lives though his book and his youtube videos.
And his legacy (our honor/obligation) is to learn from his experiences and seek to advance what he has done in any little way that we can.
Your posts are always so timely Dan! I enjoyed this one. I have to say there is a fine line between being a concerned and caring leader and the risk that can come from blurring the lines of demarcation between leader and “disciple”. From experience I found that its important to keep friendship out of business and that when faced with a choice, I am willing to be friendly but not turn my disciples into friends. I made the fatal mistake twice and it cost me a lot of time, money, energy and resources that I could have put into the business because once I stepped out of friendly and became friends I now had an obligation to perform as a friend would. The friendship also had the unfavorable effect of diminishing my power and authority as the boss. Its something I just can never do again. So yes, I agree that its important to be concerned, caring and kind to your people, you just have to know how to do it and still command respect as the leader.
One way is to demystify the role of failure. I try to prepare others for my expectation that not all ideas may work exactly as envisioned and that there’s value even if we do miss our mark. I’d rather put together a good plan and give a solid effort, than sit back and do nothing out of fear that it might not work.
One of my wonderful volunteers jumped in to head up a fund raising event idea around Christmas. She’s enthusiastic, capable and practical. We went over plans, which to the best of our evaluation would execute as a success. She had never volunteered for a leadership role before and was both apprehensive and excited. I turned it over to her to head, confident in her abilities and willingness to take charge, not to mention her people skills.
However, the fund raiser flopped, bringing in a mere $30 for 8 hours of teamwork with several volunteers (outdoors in the cold). And it didn’t cover expenses. From past experience and all our homework, it seemed it would be far more successful – but it wasn’t. And my volunteer was more than a little demoralized. Her first attempt at leading a project and it didn’t go as any of us expected. The outcome wasn’t her fault, she did al the right things, but she felt the sting personally anyway.
My job at that point was to encourage her on a personal level and help her see the truth. That sometimes things happen. That it’s normal and that failure is not bad, nor did it reflect upon a deficiency within herself somehow. That we just evaluate, get back up and we try another angle of approach. That’s life, that’s business, that’s fund raising too. Part of my personal attention to the people I work with is encouragement that failure is not really failure and that fear immobilizes.
That act of encouragement provided the personal level of attention that she needed and the payoff made a difference for her right then, as a volunteer, but also radiating to other areas in her life. Instead of giving up on ever leading again, I’m confident she’ll step up with confidence. Whether it’s with this organization or not, doesn’t matter, but either way I know I can count on her again. The whole circumstance may have centered on a need for fund raising, but the payoff was the human spirit.
Dear Dan,
I think leaders can encourage others by making self efforts for others without expectation or seeking appreciation. Our interest make our effort valueless. So, effort without expectation for others can encourage others. But the real impact may not come in one or two days. It may take longer time to experience your intention by others. So, it is all about creating lasting impression in the eyes of others. They should accept it that you are trustworthy and credible , then they will be encouraged. So, it is your intention that encourage others.
Moving from professional to personal is the ugliest form of selfishness. People having power use fear to influence people in their favours. Though it may not be always true but when ask for favour that influence your postion in profession, then it is actually a force by fear. When professional do not hold the position that can influence others, then asking favour may be selfless.
So, the linkage of position and profession for personal favour is selfish and always creates fear and intimidation, and people at non decision making position usually willingly or unwillingly follow it.