How to start right and end well
Over coffee yesterday, a local business leader complained to me, “I can’t get him to decide.” Decision-making is one of your greatest leadership challenges.
I believe you’ll flounder until you make the two decision that enable you to start right and end well. These decisions come before the others.
Starting right.
Kouzes and Posner said, “Everything you will ever do as a leader is based on one audacious assumption. It’s the assumption that you matter,” (The Truth about Leadership). You start right by deciding you can and will make a positive difference.
Why it’s hard to decide to matter?
To matter you must stand out. Yet all your life you’ve been trained to fit in, to color within the lines.
Can you think of anyone that changed the world by fitting in? “The world belongs not to those who fit in but to those who stand out,” Anonymous. Sadly, much of the energy I see expended around me is expended on being average.
Beware! You feel pressured to fit in so that you won’t stand out, so that you will disappear.
Ending well.
The conundrum of leadership is you matter most when you make others matter.
You end well by deciding to serve rather than be served. The spotlight’s on you so you can shine it on others.
Balancing the tension.
Put yourself first by understanding and enabling yourself. Read books, take classes and seminars, rest, and stretch yourself. Nurture and protect that which makes you stand out. At the same time, embrace the leadership conundrum. Put yourself first so you can put others first.
One reason daily decision-making is hard is you haven’t made the two decisions that enable you to start right and end well.
*****
How can leaders make others matter without becoming door mats?
What are your thoughts about the tension between serving yourself and serving others?
As leaders, one of our first responsibilities IS to take care of ourselves. If you do not, you will not have what you need to make a difference for others. It’s not selfish. Its smart. Taking care of yourself means standing up for your principles and not bowing to pressure, making decisions based on fact and not too much emotion, and never forgetting that no decision is a BAD decision. When you accept the mantle of leadership, you make a commitment to decision making.
Hi Joan,
Wisely stated, thank you. Your comment reminds me of the instructions flight attendants give passengers, “put the oxygen mask on yourself first.”
You have my regards,
Dan
Absolutely Joan! Taking care of yourself gives you more energy to give others. It is a strange paradox and flies in the face of some of the perceived ‘work ethic’ that have we have learned.
Dan and Doc – thanks. It’s an important lesson for all of us to keep in mind, if you can not help yourself, you won’t be able to help others.
Dear Dan,
It is very true that “The world belongs not to those who fit in but to those who stand out, and people feel pressured to fit in so that they won’t stand out, and the outcome is- they disappear. I think trying to fit in attitude makes you comfortable, complacent and provides you a blanket of psychological safety. This attitude breeds unethical practices because people try to fit in by hook or by cook. They compromise with their belief and values because their value is “fit in”. On the other hand, those who stand out, think that they have values which is bigger and stronger than any position or comfort. And they are in fact leaders, entrepreneur and transform the system, people and society.
I believe strong value system can make a person stand out. Weak value system is based on shaky ground and prone to compromise.
I agree and believe that serving others is more satisfying and inspiring than serving self. Life is all about giving and living. But people perceive life is about passing time. It depends upon individual belief and values system. For some, it could be serving self whereas for others it could be serving others first.
My belief on this is serving and helping others in need is more satisfying and any tangible gains.
Dear Ajay,
One of the things I’m taking away from you comment is the problem of doing whatever it takes to fit in. We lose ourselves and I think we frequently lose our impact.
Thank you for adding value,
Dan
Ajay is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. You can read about him on http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/ajay-gupta
To matter you have to actually decide you can change things and not just wait for change to happen, as well.
Not everyone can be a leader for this reason, they prefer to have others decide for them. After all it’s a lot more comfortable, and riskless.
Good call Gabriele! Thank you sir.
Hi Dan,
Good post. One of the conversations I’ve been having recently is the tendency for leaders to hire “clones” and then wonder why they can’t seem to engender change in their organisation. Your post would seem to get to the root of that: If you realise you matter, and that you don’t need to colour between the lines then you can recognise that other people don’t either. Then we can all grow…
Love the blog, looking forward to more 🙂
Regards,
Mimi
Hi Mimi,
Thanks for the good word, very encouraging.
I hadn’t thought of the connection between this post and the tendency for people to hire themselves or clones as you put it.
Valuable insight.
Best,
Dan
My short response to both questions is confidence. A surprising amount of people do not seem to truly understand the core meaning of the word confidence. Some view it as a negative trait akin to an imbalance of pride, and others seem to view it as a characteristic they lack.
But as I recently explained to a peer, a leader with confidence is not necessarily without concerns, nor does it mean they never experience fear or doubts about something. However it does mean that they move forward and are comfortable with who they are. They have faith within that which they are at heart and soul and faith in their alignment with the universe and God.
Merriam-Webster defines confidence to mean: “a) feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances; b) faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way.”
Confidence is faith and it is the heart of “Know Thyself.” Knowing your foundation and root source. Knowing who you are and being true to the core essence of that and the code of ethics and honor you hold true. Your connection to something greater than you.
How does that keep you from being a door mat? Well, honestly part of “Know Thyself” is knowing what you’re not and knowing limitations. It shows you what’s holding you back and what doesn’t fit in with you. And it allows you to see outside yourself and even the larger picture outside of others. It’s a conscious awareness, not a state of ignorance or hiding. Confidence tells you it’s OK to say no.
Great insight, Julia. Knowing what we are not. Having a “To Stop” list as well as a “To Do” list. Confidence gives us the strength to make those lists and abide by them.
Thanks Scott, I like that – a “To Stop List.”
Hi Dan. Just a quick word to tell you that this is absolutely one of my favorite posts that you have written. It is printed and headed for my “keep and refer to often” folder. I have absolutely nothing to add to your erudite yet simple and heartfelt message. Cheers and as you say Ka-Ching. Al
Hi Al,
Thank you for being a people lifter!
Cheers,
Dan
How can leaders make others matter without becoming door mats?
What are your thoughts about the tension between serving yourself and serving others?
This post and your comment about being trained to “color within the lines” reminded me immediately of one of the best keynotes I ever heard, by Jeff Tobe, and his poem, Coloring! http://www.jefftobe.com/poem.shtml In this poem, Jeff supports and encourages our inclination to color outside the lines, and speaks to the fact that we need company along the way of other like-minded people.
On the tension between serving yourself and serving others, I suppose there is a bit of a parallel there between parenting and leading. As a parent, you want deeply to provide your children with the support, foundations, and guidance to make well thought out decisions, to succeed, and to be even better people than you as a parent could aspire to be. BUT if they see you not taking care of yourself, not asserting yourself when appropriate, and not being the best individual YOU can be, they get entirely the wrong message. A parent who loves him or herself raises a child who does the same. It can work this way for businesses too.
Years ago my daughter called me one morning and said “guess what I realized last night?” (She was a newly wed) “S— doesn’t need to know I’m right. I just need to know it.” We then got into a wonderful discussion, one I’d had with her many times already mind you, about your inner consciousness and how that directs your decisions and the consequences of your actions.
If you know you’re right, you don’t need to take a survey, or gather consensus. Yes, you want your team, or spouse, or whatever, to be invested in the decisions you’re making that affect them. But, 1st YOU have to make the decision.
When there’s tension, things are pulling AWAY. Sustained or constant tension requires lots of energy.
To serve, we need to move TOWARD others.
Vulnerability is snuggling up close to someone and listening to where it hurts. Yes – we get a little messy, but we discover the critical area(s) that need attention which enables maximum benefits as we serve.
Effectively, we relieve tension. We end well.
I like the wisdom in Joan Koerber-Walker’s reply as well. Sometimes we need to give OURSELVES a break and wash our own feet…makes US road ready!
Another thought on “starting right”. If you’re choleric, as I am, you tend to make snap decisions. I’m confident that I am right, so it’s easy to make a decision. The other good news about that inner belief in your own decision making, is that you are comfortable with being wrong, making a mistake. You can always make a new decision! You aren’t afraid of being wrong. You know you are not perfect, you know that not everyone will agree with you. AND, you know that you too can learn from that “mistake”, make a new decision, no doubt a great one! and move on.
How not to be a door mat…walk with, not walked upon or walk on…walk with.
May need to gain a new perspective if you are feeling like a less than welcome mat…do something totally different that recharges you and shifts your mind, body & spirit.
“you matter most when you make others matter” and to do that you have to make yourself matter too…one of those odd dialectics that we grapple with.
It may be that ‘tension’ is what keeps us moving ahead…slacken it too much and one side or the other slacks off too. Too much tension and one side or the other, or both, snap. Its the foundation that helps us maintain a healthy tension. The foundation is based in what others have brought to the threads here in LF…wanting to improve, learn, grow, and of course, integrity, accountability, ownership, values, et al. All part of the tapestry we weave.
Dan,
Kouzes and Posner are excellent resources on leadership. No surprise you are quoting them here. Another is John Kotter (Leading Change) and Ronald Heifetz (Leadership On The Line).
Your statement: “Read books, take classes and seminars, rest, and stretch yourself. Nurture and protect that which makes you stand out.” is right on the mark. I began operating from this principle and it has made a world of difference:
“We don’t rest from our work, we work from our rest.”
This requires me to see rest, not as a waste of time or a final plop onto the couch after a season of frenzy, but more as an investment in my service to others.
Excellent thought-provoking post today!
Love the post and the thoughts shared here! Truth is, “fitting in” is never really safe anyway, and when we succumb to it, we’re miserable, because deep down inside we all know its phony and funnier is, then it becomes very unsafe.
Everyone knows it, just no one is saying it. Author, Patrick Lencioni is another great to read on this subject
I think it’s hard to decide to matter because when we stand out from the crowd it invites criticism. Every time I step out and do something that truly matters I am bombarded with challenges. If I’m being honest, sometimes I have the strength to deal with this and other times it’s just easier to sit back and fit in. Ultimately, I want to be purposeful about standing out and making a difference.
I never fully learned the value of putting myself first as a leader until I became a mom. If I neglect myself I quickly find that I end up reacting instead of responding, easily losing my cool, and I’m of no use to anyone. When I make taking care of myself a priority I have more energy and capacity to serve others.
I’m excited to have discovered your blog!
Hi Tracy,
Thanks for leaving your first comment and for adding your story to this post.
You are so right. It’s easy to fit in. It’s challenging to stand out.
Here’s to standing out,
Dan
Hi Dan,
I regret missing this post before now but how serendipitous.
I’ve recently made it to the point as a leader where I realize that, as you put it, “I matter”. Every bit of effort it takes to stand out, to drive what I believe is right, makes a positive difference and I shall never doubt that again. I’ve only just begun taking steps to keep myself at the forefront, along with the teams I lead, and I appreciate your suggestions on balancing the tension.
This post hits home for me and inspires me to keep on keeping on. 🙂 Thank you so much for that.
I’m afraid I will not be able to add much value with my comments, as the others previously, however I would like to put something out there for consideration:
Knowing that everyone finds their own path, what is it exactly that brings one to a point where they begin to believe in the impact they make as a leader?
Is it a variety of things dependent on the individual, or is it a few specific things that resonate through everyone’s experience (like checkpoints or milestones)?
For me? One word: “gut”. The turning point for me was the moment I began to truly be aware of and trust my instincts. That combined with experience and feedback from people I’ve lead brought me confidence and started me toward knowing that I matter.
Thank you for the ongoing inspiration.
How can leaders make others matter without becoming door mats?
It’s a process, not a destination. It’s like raising children, some battles are better to fight for than others. You have to be willing to let go of people if they are taking advantage, which is the hardest thing to do if you care about that person.
What are your thoughts about the tension between serving yourself and serving others?
It was Mother Teresa who said, “Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home.” With this being said, it’s sometimes the hardest place to begin.
Hi Catherine,
Thanks for your insightful comment. I love your questions and challenge that love begins at home.
Regarding serving yourself cp. serving others. When people see you as self-serving they’ll stop serving you. When they see you as serving them and their interests they’ll serve you. In that context, you serve yourself (take care of yourself) so that you can better serve others. People respect you even more when they believe you’re taking care of yourself so you can take care of them.
What do you think?
Best to you,
Dan