9 Questions that Create Connections
She was reading at two, a University of California sophomore at 17, and speaks eight languages. Pam Fox Rollin didn’t sound arrogant but I wondered if in her younger days she was – so I asked. She said, “Not arrogant, pompous.”
Pompous sounds like arrogant only worse; Pam agreed. Four short words helped me understand one expression of her past youthful pomp, “I used long words.”
Losing a friend
Humility transforms pain points
into growth points.
Pam lost a friend during her UC Davis days. Debbie told Pam to put people more highly on her list than ideas. With that it was over. Pam didn’t arrogantly blame her friend; she humbly looked at herself.
Success may hinge on stopping something
Pam said she learned that using long words was getting in the way of connecting with others. “I simplified my language.”
The things that make you exceptional hinder your success if they block connections.
Rule 16: Get Over Yourself
Pam’s written, “42 Rules for your new Leadership Role.”
“Your team members will give you the goods only to the degree they trust you to act in their best interests. Find out who they are and what they want.”
9 Questions that Create Connections
- What are you working on?
- What do you enjoy the most and least about your job?
- What is going well on this team? What is going less well?
- How could this group be even more successful?
- What do you do well? What do you want to do more of?
- What do you do less well? What do you want to do less of?
- What helps you be most productive?
- Where do you want to be professionally in five to ten years?
- What do you think you need to do to get there?
How do you get over yourself in ways that help you connect with others?
Read Pam’s thoughts on building tomorrow’s success today: “Five Proven Steps to Tomorrow’s Win.”
I think the information given before the list is equally as important as the questions. It is vitally important that you speak the language of the people around you. Sometimes its simple words, sometimes its adopting some of the regional nuances. It is important that you sound like the people you’re trying to work with.
My personal best example is that I am a native New Yorker. New Yorkers and Yankees in general are known for speaking a specific way. During part of my training I lived in Houston for an extended period of time. I found that my speech was too fast and clipped for most of the patients to understand; not that I could understand them much better. I had to retrain my tongue and my ear. If the patinet’s could’t understand me, and I was getting what they were really talking about, then I was of no value to them.
The second is in church environment. Most of the people I attend church with have much less formal education than I do. If I remaind focused on myself and being a wordsmith, then I can’t help move them team, our projects, the church and ultimately the Kingdom forward.
It is a testament to character when you know that you may be the sharpest tool in the box, but can back all that down to bring other people along. It is after all about teams.
And importantly, I learn more and can do the most by improving my ability to listen to what people are really saying. By actively listening instead of doing all the talking, I can begin to figure our what is really important.
Hi Martina,
Looks like you are become a regular. Thank you.
Your comment reminds me of something Drucker said, “Communication isn’t saying something, communication is being heard.”
Best Regards,
Dan
Yes, Dan. I learn a lot here. Thanks
I like Rule #16. Speaks volumes.
Thanks Bill
Dear Dan,
It is true that the things that make you exceptional may hinder your success if they block connections. What block connections ? I feel, when meaning of success becomes more personal and less societal or organizational, then probably it block connection. It also means that we want success on the cost of others sacrifice. And such successes are not successes because they prevent success to so many people. It is possible to be successful by blocking some connections and by connecting some connections. But what determines our true success? It is the source and intention. When source is ethical and intentional is right, then success does not block your connection. On the other hand, when source and intention are not not right, then success block your connection.
The simple way to get over yourself in ways that help you connect with others is to make your source of success ethical and intention to success, right.
Dear Ajay,
You focus on success give a whole new slant to my thinking.
I found the idea that we don’t connect with others because we want success at their expense challenging. Thanks for your insight.
Best to you,
Dan
Ajay is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read his bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/ajay-gupta
Ajay-
You are correct. But, the fact that we sacrifice connection is not just to about the workplace, it is all of our relationships.
Many of us sacrifice our families on the altar of success, promotion, ministry, whatever we’d like call it, to get ourselves ahead.
I agree with you, it comes down to what we will call success at the end of the day. Is it how much I make or where I live? Is it faithfulness to commitments in and out of the workplace?
One way I try to “get over myself” is to limit the natural urge to talk about me, especially in comparing myself to others. You know, a colleague is describing a visit to the doctor and I say, “When I had my surgery . . .” Or someone is describing a bad experience and I want to say, “Sounds like an average day in Basic Training.” Human nature is to one-up, or make it about us. But the day I was listening to a young man talk about being a squad leader and resisted the impulse to tell the group I was a company commander, I learned how freeing it is for things not to be about me. And how much better my relationships became when I was percieved as more humble.
Greg,
Your first sentence is so clear and right-on. It hits like a hammer. Just stop talking about yourself so much.
Talk to “them” about them.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
Best,
Dan
Greg, yes, you are so right about “Human nature is to one-up, or make it about us.” I find that some people seem to need to do a personal comparative in order to relate to what someone else is saying. As frustrating as it can be, I try to keep in mind that in their mind it’s about them and not me, even when it was my story initially – so I take a deep breath and just listen. It’s not been an easy road to get to the acceptance, but it has taught me a tremendous amount along the way.
Great article! I read a book many years ago that said: “Find someone doing something good, then tell them.” Years later this still helps me forget about me and focus and connect more with others.
Mike,
That’s so easy for any of us to do. Doesn’t take certification in coaching or Appreciative Inquiry. Just “Hey, I’m noticing this fabulous thing you’re doing. Here’s the good I see coming from that.”
Thanks for posting,
Pam
Dan,
Thanks for interviewing Pam Fox Rollin. Great article. I will add her book on my must-reads.
As I read this article, I kept thinking of a quote; “When the student is ready to learn, the teach shall appear”. We are all both students and teachers at any given moment.
How do you get over yourself in ways that help you connect with others?
Well then, another post inviting us to look deeply at ourselves. Isn’t it time to talk about something neutral? 🙂
Pam’s example is precisely something that I encountered — when as a trainer for a local non profit I was criticized for using the word “Perspicacious” in one of those icebreaker games where you use an adjective that starts with the same letter as your first name. One of the other trainers took me to task for using a word that was “off putting and too complicated.” It probably was but it created a bit of a fun follow up when I defined it for the group the next day (once I looked it up ha ha). It also followed me to my blog, which I named “Perspicacity.”
A more current “getting over myself” issue is coming to terms with an issue that I have had for years (always?) but was never able to put a name to. It is prosopagnosia/faceblindness, an impairment of the ability to recognize faces, even of people I know well. I was fortunate enough to participate in a study through Harvard University’s Prosopagnosia Research Center. Although nothing really changed about my ability to recognize faces, I began to take a different approach. I realized (more fully) that I can be perceived as “snobby” when in fact I am standing there wracking my brain to try to identify the individual OR have just given up. I have been a bit more relaxed about going with generic greetings “HI! Nice to see you again” and/or, depending on the circumstances, just asking the individual’s name again even if it is the 20th time.
I have learned that a very small amount of explanation goes a very long way in improving the connection between me and someone I encounter socially.
Pam’s 18 words about losing a friend were quite powerful…wow. Great list to get the connections going. Definitely could drill down with each of them, particularly would by asking ‘what’s one thing that would make a difference’ (less of or more of) or with #8…what is one thing you would like to learn about in the next year.
How do you get over yourself in ways that help you connect with others?
It’s not about you, really. As much as there are opportunities and times to be open about yourself (yesterday’s thread) or to show you are the sharpest tool in the toolbox (there’s always a bigger toolbox where you won’t be so sharp and BTW tools do get dull over time), it’s not about you.
It is about what you are being in those moments.
Are you being a conduit, a sparkplug, a mirror (Dan’s scary awesome at this), a cheerleader, coach, a fresh pair of specs, a miner, all looking ahead and what can be, what should be. Those can be phenom connections that just happen to be energizingly fun too.
Or are you all bout your bad self and the experiences you have had (wanna see my surgery scar, here look…look, let me show you) which all are past and 90% of the time stonewall connections, with emphasis on da wall.
Dan,
Wow! You took our long conversation and found the. Absolute heart… creating connections. You are an AMAZING interviewer
To each of you who’ve made time to read this and post, thank you!
Karl, love that! “We are all both students and teachers at any given moment.” Yes.
I often say I’m a student of the things others might call my expertise. For example, saying “I’ve been studying the Myers-Briggs for 28 years” helps me stay fresh to new learning – and helps my clients see that this 6 hour workshop is the start of a journey, if they choose to walk it.
Glad to be learning here on Dan’s blog with you.
Pam
I have been practicing connecting for many years. I have wonderful coaches, so hopefully it is working. I still slip a lot, though. Recently a person was pouring out her heart to a group I was in, about something that happened in a store. She asked what she should do. I gave an answer. The next day she told me that sometimes it is better to just listen. I looked back at others were answering. My mistake was I spoke “from experience,” and I knew for sure what to do. The others were interacting and drawing out an answer.
Since I am learning that questions are essential, I am going to print out Pam’s wonderful questions and find where I can use them. Here, I think #5 would have worked well: “What do you do well (e.g. in such surprise situations)? What do you want to do more of?
Thank you
Tough situation Chavah, especially since she asked what apparently was a rhetorical question that you interpreted was not. Since it sounds like it wasn’t a ‘formal’ meeting, your usual role was not your role in that meeting. All is not lost, since she gave you some feedback the next day. You can still reconnect and appreciate her feedback again and let her know that you have been doing some soul searching about the interaction and really want to get better at serving the group. Could even apologize once more for jumping in too soon. It is still an opportunity to be mined.
This stresses the importance of the topic, asking questions to connect.
Until you mentioned it, I hadn’t considered this as a case of jumping in too soon, but you are right on target. Though it was not too soon in time, it was soon in the timing of bringing a possible solution.
As you suggested, I apologized. Our connection is warming up. I did not ask for more feedback. I decided to watch ourselves and ask for feedback in the middle of a current conversation rather than go backward.
I think it’s good, as you alluded, to not have the same role in every situation. It could result in, “oh there she goes again.” I want to remember that each situation is different and calls for a “customized” interaction.
Questions, I think, would be good to warm up and to see where the connection can be made.
I had one somewhat related experience…an employee came in, visibly frustrated and I was all set to go into my problem solving manager role when she said…’I just need to vent’…shifted my paradigm right then and there. She set the structure and what she needed in that moment. And I sat back and just listened and commiserated with her eventually. It is much easier when you know what role is needed when… 😉
Dan, your blog has terrific readers! Like Doc, providing thoughtful commentary for another’s post.
Chavah, odd isn’t it… sometimes we help others best by sidestepping their questions and just listening as they work it through.
This is so hard for leaders who’ve been successful as individual contributors! (Which, of course, is the primary way people become leaders in organizations.)
I write about this in Rule 23: Balance Curiosity, Advice, and Silence.
“People become used to asking your advice rather than thinking. You become used to playing what Nilofer Merchant beautifully calls “Chief of Answers.” Pretty soon, your group effectively has one brain, yours, which will be come quite tired. You might close your mouth and see what happens. In the presence of your attentive silence, people might find answers to your own problems.”
Pam,
You are right about the readers of Leadership Freak. I’ve had people tell me that my short posts give them time to read the comments. I love that.
There is so much wisdom in Rule 23. I think knowledge is a heavy load to carry and when leaders think they have answers it takes real skill to hold their tongue.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
Best,
Dan
Director of Answers would be an interesting spin as opposed to Chief of Answers, then as a leader, you would be DOA, which in healthcare is generally not a good thing…;)
Laughing, Doc. DOA totally captures it.
Pam
I am using you as an example of the power of this list serv. I have never found such an “on topic” group of wise people. Dan starts with something brief and relevant, people respond, and many, many pertinent sides and insights are shared. They are each useful in some way.
I can relate to Nilofer Merchant’s Chief of Answers. People often come to me for my insights (tho I didn’t see them as answers). However, it is extremely sobering to think that I have taken on the role of being the answer. I am going to focus more than ever on questioning.
Who knew how life-changing a list serve can be?
PS, Pam, i need to add, you are especially valuable, being the author of the book and the subject. Thank you for writing it! It is much needed.
Remember Chavah, you also have a legacy role as a leader. If you are not there for a period of time or when your time there ends, its not ‘who will they turn to’ but ‘how will they find the answers themselves’. When they can do that, you have left a great legacy!
That statement about humility is powerful. Wow.
I came into public education through the Teach for America program, and as bright and dedicated as the teachers are who come through TFA, the organization has a humility problem. Our new corpsmembers are not always welcomed into school faculties because of their arrogance and negativity toward the existing faculty.
In my classroom experience, I learned the power of what Mike H mentions… every member of the team (even a dysfunctional one) is there for a reason and has something to teach you. It’s harder to “catch” some people doing good than others, but I became better every time I did find the good. And a little tiny piece of my own resentment melted away. I will definitely be sharing this thought with our new teachers who are coming in this summer.
Thank you!
That means a lot, thanks. I come from a family of teachers and professors… in my eyes, education is one of the toughest leadership arenas. Takes courage and maturity for teachers to show up with an attitude of learning, themselves.
Absolutely love the 9 questions Dan. Always, alway, alway important. We can never lose sight of these or think we that we’re beyond them.
Thanks, Garry!
Dan picked a good excerpt! 🙂
Dear Dan,
I liked the way Pam has done her self-analysis in terms of knowing where she is going wrong to connect with people. Also, the list of 9 questions to get connected with people is nothing but the concern for others. Humility is the key factor. More than that selfless approach with willingness to share your happiness/sad moments with people whom you trust are essentials to build good relations.
Long-term relationship calls for one’s caring nature and readiness to be in touch with near and dear ones by devoting some time to phone or make personal visits at certain intervals. Essentially, relations are always mutual and both parties should have the basic interest in each other and enjoy the company throughout.
Hi Dan,
Love the post and can’t wait to get the book! I find that as I mature in my leadership roles, I find myself more humble and more caring of team members. For a long time now I have put people first on the list and really enjoy watching others grow and succeed…. whether this is my team members moving up and moving on or my Boy Scout Troop – advancing the ranks.
Hello Dan,
I love the quote, “The things that make you exceptional hinder your success if they block connections.” So true.
I really like your list of questions — especially what people want to do more of or less of. Sometimes it’s amazing how one member of a team dreads one task while another member looks forward to it. Getting those things out in the open makes a team function better and makes people happier.
“The things that make you exceptional hinder your success if they block connections.” You make an interesting point here. While it’s critical to build strong and close connections with people, I also think that we shouldn’t bury those exceptional qualities. If something about you is blocking connections, adapt in those situations, but find some outlets (a journal, a couple of close friendships, a club, etc.) where your exceptional qualities can shine and grow. It would be a shame to lose those qualities from our personalities completely, in my opinion. Thanks for a great post!
Thank you.