Don’t Share Your Feelings – Tap into Them
Image source: Matias Costa for The New York Times
You can ignore how you feel, you can share how you feel, or you can tap into your emotions and use them to lift others.
Four days ago I got up feeling blue. I didn’t feel like writing an article but eventually I banged something out. It was 22 Powerful Ways to Overcome Discouragement. It didn’t seem good but I posted it out of habit and obligation. It connected.
The post I wasn’t going to write is already #4 on the list of most viewed posts for the last 30 days and #10 for the last 120 days.
4 Ways to Tap into your emotions without sharing them:
- Reach within even if what you see isn’t pretty.
- Shift from feeling alone to realizing others experience the same feelings.
- Connect with the feelings of others by connecting with yours.
- Serve others the way you would like to be served.
“Tapping into” versus “sharing”:
I didn’t want people to write “encouraging” comments to me so when I wrote 22 Powerful Ways to Overcome Discouragement I didn’t share my feelings; I tapped into them.
It’s not appropriate, in many cases, for leaders to publicly share negative feelings. Keep some of those emotions to yourself for the sake of your organization.
Share your negative feelings in smaller contexts with people you trust.
Tap into your feelings, including negative ones, to connect with others in ways that enhance your service.
- Need encouragement, give it
- Feeling joyful, celebrate another’s joy
- Worried you’ll be overlooked, ease another’s worries
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How do you tap into your feelings in ways that build connections and enhance your service?
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Interesting point of view Dan. Nothing is as eye opening as self reflection I guess. The trick is doing it with honesty, don’t kid yourself when you look within. That way when you look out there and somebody asks you for your support, you are all the more authentic and useful.
Hi Thabo, my experience is honest self-reflection isn’t as easy as it sounds. Best, Dan
Honest self-reflection is not easy and to a certain and I will always perservere in working through it. For me, often, the hurdle is sefl-condemnation or absence of grace.
Anita,
For me, sometimes I don’t even see myself even though I’m trying. 🙂
I’ll concur that it takes awhile to get to the place of accepting something that we don’t like or want.
Best,
Dan
I see feelings as a great source of information for us as you offer Dan. Emotional intelligence is not acting out of feelings, but being response-able. Great leaders tap into this important part of us as emotional beings.
Good stuff Dan,
Mark
I like the idea of connecting your feelings with others who might be feeling the same way. It could give an avenue to work through the emotion in a very constructive way. I intend to give it a try sometime. My normal response to negative feelings has been to pack them in a box, push them down inside somewhere, and then go for a long run later. My wife says that instead of exorcising my demons, I exercise them 🙂
Hi Greg,
I wouldn’t rule out the exercise approach .. 🙂
I appreciate your honest response to this post…may you find new ways to create strong connections.
Thanks for joining in,
Dan
Greg, I too pack negative feelings in a box and “try” to push them down…. but likewise, the run brings them back to the surface in an environment where I’m mentally prepared to address them… the bigger the box, the longer the run… not by any rule that I’ve created, but purely from the perspective that I’m not mentally ready to return to the world from my run until the box has been addressed… thanks for sharing, Dan’s right, we aren’t alone – others experience the same things…. so to you I say “thanks for sharing”!
The great thing about running is all the “fight or flight” adrenalin the negative feelings generate gets burned off quickly, so it’s a lot easier to consider things with less passion. Glad to find out I’m not the only one who does this. Happy running!
Running creates a time and space which literally creates distance and perspective…sometimes a good way to see emotional issues on a more even playing field with thinking and doing. Particularly with intense negative feelings, perspective is often needed. Sometimes even with positive emotions which can tend to flood over others more than intended.
Dan, great post! In your list of 4 Ways to Tap into your emotions without sharing them, I see, not items that indivdiuals can or should pick and choose from, but a process to follow. One must first reach within and realize what’s going on. Then, see that they aren’t alone, connec with others like themselves, and then serve in the way they’d like to be served. While following a component or two may help, the true benefit comes from the entire process…. Thanks for sharing! Very timely for me!
Dan,
Great viewpoint about tapping into your feelings; we all have valuable resources within each of us that we don’t tap into.
I believe it is the only way to be accountable as a leader. There are many valuable lessons to be learned by personal reflection of why you are experiencing a strong emotion, such as anger or sorrow. Negating some of your feelings negates all of yourself.
Kari
Dan, this was an interesting post. That “20 ways” post from last week was a standout. I suppose its success backs up the bloggers’ directive to “make a date with the page” no matter how you are feeling about it. The pressure is greater, though, when you know so many people are gonig to be privy to your thoughts and feelings.
As far as tapping in to feelings, I suppose one strategy is to “check in” with how you are feeling at a routine point in the day — that way you can sort of take your “emotional temperature” and make adjustments without waiting for the panic that many of us feel when the negative descends.
As far as enhancing service, I think you are right in that leaders owe those following them some degree of “moderation” – if you are angry, sad, or frustrated – you can set a negative tone by dwelling on that publicly. (But happy times should probably be given their due immediately!!).
Hi Paula,
Your participation on LF encourages me. Thank you.
I’ll agree that as LF readership goes up (1,850 as of 10:45 a.m. EDT today) it can feel a bit uncomfy to post personal articles. Thats when I remember the counsel I’ve received to trust my instincts and be true to myself.
Love the idea of setting an appointment to check in with yourself. very cool.
Thanks for spreading the joy,
Dan
Paula is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read her bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/paula-kiger
This is a great post. Sometimes when we share our negative feelings we create a kind of negative feedback loop where everyone starts to feel and share negative emotions. But by tapping into them to connect with others we turn our own negative emotions into positve ones and that is the kind of feedback loop that we want to experience.
This follow-up post demonstrates you are human, Dan, and that is a great leadership quality.
Thanks Linda…I’m just being human… 🙂 Cheers, Dan
I agree Dan. I think we forget that in the moments we cannot our perfect side and tap into what is not so pretty, we are truly connecting with many people where they are. On the road to Hampton Institute, thought I would try to tap into the conversation…pun intended. Good post
Leaders need to compartmentalize their negative feelings. They can infect and bring the team down. Way to channel them into a positive avenue. Feelings, both positive and negative are very powerful. Use the power wisely.
Dan,
“Taping in” and working with the ways to overcome discouragement will go a long way for many people including me. Negativity is easy. It is all around us all the time. Bouncing back when you feel down is difficult. Being positive can be even harder. We have been taught to re-direct our children when they let negative feelings take over and they are “acting out”. Us adult children can do the same. Re-direct our emotions or feelings to create positive and meaningful change in our particular circumstance. Be it at work or in your relationships you will find the feedback encouraging.
CAUTION: burying your feelings can cause harm to you. Especially if you are not a runner. Find a way, as some here have done to work out your feelings and act upon them. The negative build up can cause physical harm. I know from first hand experience.
Thank you Dan
Learning every day, Rob
i am trying to figure whats appropriate and whats not….some people can’t handle any feelings at all. but probably true about negative feelings and organizations…although it seems to me there has to be some outlet for them.
Dan, great reminders. I work with some young people that need to learn the distinction of “sharing” versus “tapping”. Perhaps more importantly, it understanding the where, when, and with who. There have been some great comments about how people best do that (particularly liked Greg’s exercise versus exorcise). My experience is that many people are not taught the filter of what to do with their emotional responses, when to do it, if at all, how and with whom. We’ll talk another time about not taking personally and not making assumptions that fuel many of our feelings/ responses.
You piece also reminded me that we all need people in our lives who are a “safe place” to take some of our stuff. Likewise, if we can be that safe place for others, that is a good thing.
Jim
I thought your post on discouragement was great, and so is this one. I appreciate the reminder of the value of staying with my feelings and experiencing them – it’s the only way they are truly released. You made a great distinction in the importance of feeling your feelings and not necessarily acting on them. Sometimes “sharing” can feel like “clobbering” to the one who is shared with.
Well done, Dan.
Yes, feelings are tricky for leaders… we can’t always give them full expression. Yet we can, as you suggest, tap in, acknowledge what’s there, and give “motion” to some of the emotion.
Any leader who thinks he or she can just “stuff” emotions and ignore them, do a little search on “expressive suppression” and read 10 years of research coming out of Stanford. It doesn’t work. Feelings leak out anyway, much more than we think, plus when our brains are busy stuffing emotions, they’re not able to listen and lay down new memories very well. Which is yet another reason annual performance evaluation sessions fail relative to intermittent, brief live feedback!
Thanks, Dan. Great idea, and one I intend to utilize immediately. It’s too easy to just dump your feelings on someone and go – but when you can share with others, and use what you have learned to help them deal with their experience of the issue – what a bonus for everyone, including you. Bet you felt better after you posted the blog!
Georgia
Thanks Dan. This really helps right now, when I’m going through a down cycle emotionally, to realize that I need to use that to reconnect with my team and get some positive energy back from helping them create change and address challenges
The great news about this concept of tapping emotions, is that a corporate culture can transform when the collective learns to do this. In my view, that’s one essential job of a leader – tapping positive emotional states. Beats the alternative (commonly practiced) of ignoring, discounting, or burying feelings.
While I have my own safe haven- I find we tend to only share the negative. Although we recently have made a pak to not do that because then you almost dread seeing each other. That is why I think number 4 is a vital step. I also attended a management conference and forgive me for not remembering who but she stated when faced with an emotional dilemma to take you out of the equation. How would you look at this situation if it was someone else? It helps remove the ego so to say and I use it often it makes things not seem as big of a deal in the end.
Thanks your views are good enough to bring something new.
I want them to know my feeling but I don’t want them to do anything about it … sound impossible