9 Unexpected Questions that Create Engagement
It’s awkward to think you are good at something and find out you aren’t. I used to think I was a great listener. Hemingway rightly said, “Most people never listen.” Now I say I’m learning about open listen. “Coaching for Engagement,” is helping.
Open listening is rigorous work not passive silence. Fools can be quiet but they can’t listen.
Listen and you’ll know what to ask.
Managers that bring out the best in others practice open listening.
Five things closed listeners think:
- How is this impacting me?
- When have I experienced this too?
- What would I do about this?
- What do I need to tell them?
- My example is better than theirs.
Nine questions open listeners ask that create engagement:
- What are they focused on?
- What does this mean to them?
- How are they measuring success?
- What values are they expressing?
- What emotions do I hear in their voice?
- What values or beliefs are behind their words?
- How is this impacting them?
- What strengths have they articulated that could be acknowledged?
- What are they really asking for?
Pitfalls to open listening:
- Jumping for quick solutions – you’ll solve the wrong problem.
- Discomfort with other’s frustration while they find their own answers. Let others struggle.
- Assumptions, beliefs, and judgments.
- Getting caught up in the details of the story. Keep the big picture in mind.
- Discomfort with silence. Shhhh!
Open listening enables others to find their own solutions. Employees that find their own solutions develop confidence, require less guidance, and achieve greater results.
Note: The lists on this post are derived from, “Coaching for Engagement.” The authors list six skills successful manager-coaches employee; open listening, in my opinion, is central.
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What pitfalls do you see when you work at being a great listener?
How do you use listening to bring out the best in others?
wow i love this post! thanks..and so relevant too for me at least as Ive just launched a coaching system for volunteers in the not for profit I volunteer for, in my town. this will greatly help with training up or giving guidelines for the coaches in this system. and if I could add someting, based on my experience I did think I was a great listener too but just reading this has given me a new perspective on what to improve. thanks again! =)
I haven’t had a chance to post a comment for awhile but what a great post with which to come back and be a commenter again. I recognize myself in a lot of those so clearly need to practice more, but one area I have never had problems with is letting silence stretch. It makes others very uncomfortable but it can offer provoke startling results.
I often share a story that I hear from an aboriginal elder: The creator gave us two eyes and two ears, but only one mouth for a reason. We need to see and hear more and speak less.
Pitfalls: When any of the listener’s thoughts/feelings get in the way…bias, pejorative thinking, wanting the speaker to pick up and get a ’roundtoit’. Forgeting that it is a two way connection, needs to free flow both directions.
Listen best: I might put your #9 first, perhaps adding on ‘telling/asking/sharing’ rather than just asking.
Any true dialogue is the opportunity for a multitude of future connections and collaborations.
BTW, no book drawing, already have it. Thnx!
Thanks for the heads up Doc. I got a lot from the book. Hope you do too.
Once I finally stopped caring about giving them the answer I became a listener. Now I only at most show them my point of view and allow them to accept the answer (or not).
To describe the internal experience … have you ever felt the urge to interrupt someone in conversation? That urge is now gone because I quit assuming that I know THEIR answer. Instead I realize they have their answer inside them (not inside me) and they only need time and conversation space to verbalize it.
One of the other leverage points I use is I wait until their frustration exceeds their denial – until then THEY are not ready to listen, because they believe they have an answer that works for them. Only when they can admit their point of view no longer works do I show them what I found does work.
Until then I just listen – a lot.
i really need to work this and am excited to. I’m sorry to say that I’m one of those people who turn it all back onto myself and my experiences. I’ve stuggled, with some success, to turn that off but had never seen these tips for open listening. I plan on using this mindfully this week. It will be interesting to reflect back on my week on Friday to see how has made an impact.
Open or active listening takes real practice. Focusing on the other person’s words and feelings instead of formulating your response and looking for a chance to interrupt them takes real energy and commitment. Give yourself a break and take a deep breath. Enjoy the moment.
I’m always looking for helpful information to improve my coaching of my staff (and my children – just in a different way). But, realizing that this post is mostly for people DOING the coaching, I’m coming to understand that it’s one of the problems I’m having with my own manager. As I approach him with operational or administrative issues that I need his help with and guidance, more often than not I see the wheels turning, trying to identify what he needs to say to get me out of his office and move on to another topic.
I need to find a better way to communicate my needs to my manager to help get him engaged in what I’m saying, how I’m saying it, and what I need from him to be successful.
For a while I ignored the problem, avoiding communications unless absolutely necessary. That obviously caused more problems, even though it was “easier”. Now I know that I need to manage up and working to get him more engaged will be a good next step.
Good stuff, Dan. I find myself, at times, being a closed listener. I’ve come to realize that being an open listener takes work. Many of the conversations isn’t about “me” or “my” experiences, but it’s about the person with the issue and how “they” can come up with a solution to the problem within themselves. The nine open listener engagement questions really help.
I so appreciate this approach. It’s clearly useful in the workplace, but also it home as parents. I recently attended new student orientation for college with my daughter. The parents were advised to consider our changing role from caregiver to consultant and coach. The opening listening process you describe is very similar to the guidance we received (e.g., let them find their own solutions). Thanks for communicating this so clearly.
Easy simple steps to be a better listener. Thank you for the insights. I plan to share these.
Great post and thanks for mentioning this book. I immediately recognized I tend to be a closed listener and it is currently a challenge for me to be an open listener.
However, I have found that by reminding myself that the conversation is about the speaker and not the listener (me) I am a better listener.
Thanks for posting this, Dan. The open listening questions you wrote are some of the same one’s I ask when I’m coaching a client. As Doc mentioned, I too think #9 is important. And I’d use the word “probing” for both #9 and #1 since many people haven’t taken the time to thoroughly think this through themselves.
What I’ll add to this is that listening for both what is said and what is not said, at the words chosen and the emotion with which words are said are all important pieces of the puzzle.
I’ll also add that a pitfall to listening is formulating a response and waiting for an opening to inject it. I’ve worked on this a lot myself. It’s amazing what I miss when I’m formulating my response instead of listening to what the other people in the conversation are saying.
Gary, great insight regarding listening for both what is said and what is NOT said. Sometimes it’s the big “elephant in the room” that no one wants to acknowledge. But it’s huge! And we miss it if we’re too preoccupied with formulating our own responses.
This is simply superb!
I think the key here is in the section about the Pitfalls. Everyone has a solution for some else’s problem (even if they cannot solve the same issue within their own lives). Furthermore, nobody like to be lectured and told what to do. Being an open listener, means opening the other person up to listen to themselves and solve their own issue.
Great stuff, Dan. I don’t think you can be a good coach without being a great listener. You have to understand what it is that THEY want. Asking good questions and listening for the answers gives you the insight of what other information you need or they need. When there is clarity about their wants/goals, helping them see how their current choices/behavior is helping or hurting them can be the most powerful piece. This self awareness gives them information about their gap and the motivation/engagement to close the gap.
It is all generated, however, from the listening, and then from the questions that naturally emanate from the listening. This sequence is all about bringing to light their own understanding, knowledge and motivation. I have found this dialog process to be incredible in helping people to find THEIR answers.
Jim
I appreciate this post. As a pastor who is often asked to provide counsel, I find that asking engaging questions not only helps me understand the situation, but rather (more importantly) causes the other person to really think …
Listening has always been a challenge for me and something that I am actively working on. Thank you for always posting tips in such a concise way.
In my personal experience I’ve found that sometimes being quiet isn’t enough to get other to speak up and take the lead. I am working on being an active listener and also encouraging others to speak in my silence.
It is the path of least resistance and the height of arrogance to think that our personal knowledge, skill, and experience are the best solution to the challenges other people face.
Open listening demands selflessness and humility; a willingness to put aside our own interests and observations for the benefit of another. It takes more effort to ask questions which allow the other person to explore their emotions, attitudes, and observations than it does to offer our own.
Providing feedback (what I hear you saying is…) which emphasizes their observations gives them the opportunity to clarify their position, to make internal discoveries, and arrive at a solution which quite possibly have nothing to do with us.
Dan
What a timely message. I have been considering writing a book or monograpoh on listening – seems like someone has already done it (again) however I am still in the process of writing so will use and credit your thoughts and the notion of engagement as well. I agree that listening is active and takes concentration and that it is the key skill of the coach. For me good coaching involves acknowledging that my effectiveness as a coach is letting go of being the expert (what I know) and focussing on both deep llistening and probing questions (what the other is becoming).
Excellent post, Dan! I’m going to study the 9 questions so I can be a better listener. Too many times we THINK we’re listening but all we’re doing is thinking about what we’re going to say in response to the one speaking.
The 9 questions take the spotlight off me and on the speaker which is good since everything is not about me.
Dear Dan,
I see being caught up in the detail when I become great listener. And I appreciate your advice; keep the big picture in mind. I do that and it really works. The greatest danger in being great listener is that everyone will express his or her opinion and you need to either justify your position or nullify their opinion. So, it becomes utmost important to become humble and flexible while listening. There will be many opinions and sometime they can be irritating, so you need to be more open and of course you need to have big picture in your mind so that you can either convince or put up your points.
To bring out best in others from listening is a challenge but possible. It can be done by providing right and equal opportunity to others. By creating a belief that their points are valid, relevant and important even if it is not. So, the main issue is creating an environment and believing in others.
Apart from listening skill, one more important skill is “Adaptable attitude”. It really builds a platform for value based discussion and learning. Adaptable attitude actually differentiates the person whether he is closed listener or opened listener. Resistible attitude leads to close listening and adaptable attitude promotes active and open listening.
I’m wondering “What great questions have people asked you that really caused a big shift in your life?”
Mine was probably in relation to a Zig Ziglar quote which said “You will get all you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want.” The question to me was “How can you best use your strengths to help others get what they want?”
Thx
Don’t think less of yourself, think of yourself less. Everyone you meet could be the one individual who will help make your day. Upon arrival at a party, are you the one who says ” Hey, I am here” or the one who says ” Wow, look who is here”! While meeting everyone at the party, concentrate on them, not yourself. Listen to their story and don’t think about telling yours.
I have worked with a lot of people. The ones that were easiest to work with were open listeners. The ones that I would rather not work with again are not. Thanks for the post reminding me what king of listener I would like to be.
What another interesting conversation to-day.
I would add to the list of pitfalls: listening to talk (that is, planning how to respond while appearing to listen). Typically this happens as soon as the listener hears something s/he wants to comment on and the rest gets lost.
The way I use listening to bring out the best in others in addition to the great ideas here is to acknowledge what was said and say (depending on the topic) something to the effect, “Tell me more about that and its importance for you.”
The main issue with listening is that most of us listen with the intent to respond – which I know that I usually do – instead of listen with the intent to understand. That happens to be a goal that I’ve written into my personal listen.
As a listener, you need to be operating in the growth mindset vs. the fixed mindset.
I feel like I grow everyday with this blog and just wanted to say thanks for providing a forum for management to discuss. Personally I tend to get caught up in the details. However, I find to alleviate that by scheduling lunches with various manager’s in other departments helps me see the whole picture and the more I walk away or have a meeting the more I see my team step up to play. It seems to get easier.
This is a fantastic post, Dan! I’m printing it for the team, retweeting it and will possibly need to use it as the basis for an article on my blog (with proper credit to you, of course :-)).
You have given me wonderful food for thought. Now, I’ll get back to work and cross my fingers that my name gets picked for your book because my team needs to read it! (And so do I.)
Thank you for this post! I think what it comes down to, for me, is just being genuine. When you genuinely care about the success of your team (and each individual), that shows through your actions. One of the best ways to seem disinterested or like you don’t care is by not listening – which, of course, leads to disengaged and un-empowered team members. As always, this was a good reminder for me!
Greta post, i will be sharing this in the morning with all my customer facing staff, and as i am typing why just them this is relivent through my business.
I have ben selling for 25 years, and have tried before to use simular listening techniques, but this just explains it very clearly. Thanks
These are all great suggestions and ideas. Some were a refresher, while others presented new thoughts, and all will be added to the tool chest in my constant efforts to become an improved listener. I often wish I could listen with the same level of focus I read with. Thank you for a great post.
Great post and questions Dan. It’s so easy to get caught up in “tell” mode as leaders, especially when stressed, or pressed for time. We lose our sense of curiosity.
Listening well can bring out the best in others because it feeds some of our fundamental human needs: to be seen, heard, understood, and valued. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with everything someone communicates, but we can still acknowledge it, and be curious about what’s underneath it. Trust and transparency grow when we have these needs met first.
Boy that is applicable for my family too. Being twelve of us, we are like a mini company.
Okay, I’m convicted. While I often stumble in this area, there is one thing I have learned to help me listen better. As a born teacher, it is so easy for me to feed information and answers to people, and frankly, a lot of people come to me for advice. But within the last two years, sometimes I’ll hear a little voice say, “Let them teach you about what they know and are thinking.” I relax, focus more on them as speaker and ask questions to help them find answers for themselves. This accomplishes the goal in the most effective way and achieves the long-lasting results anyway. All wisdom does not dwell in me! Some does, and there are appropriate situations in which to share insights I have learned, often the hard way. More often, though, I am so much more effective if I keep my own mouth closed and let others teach me.
One of the nice things about getting older is increased patience. I’ve learned better to just be quiet and to allow the story being told to develop naturally rather than trying to jump in with my own unformulated ideas.
Very relevant for principals and teachers
I am moving back into coaching after 6 years so have been reflecting on what my successes and challenges were as a coach. My mentors who coached me were open listeners – thank you for the words to express why they were able to facilitate shifts in my focus or extend my thinking without doing the work for me.
Can’t wait to read this book! Thanks for the post
Not only do these ideas resonate for me as a professional – but boy do they ever hit home when I think of myself as Dad – and as Husband!
As always Dan – great post and thanks for the share.
Variations on listening…seeing, reading, perceiving, interpreting, truly hearing, connecting, walking with, aligning, partnering… While listening may be perceived as a ‘passive’ skill set, far from it when done well. Truly ‘being there’, in the moment is a high art.
Have to wonder, if we really listen, do we not receive so much more? What a gift!
Great thread all, thanks for the thoughts.
i wonder some times,small things can do LOT OF DIFRENCE in life both Personally and professionally.i think its a very good problem solving tool.I will start adding this thing in all my converstions.I think its a BIG COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE..thanks
An open mind and patience are two essentials for becoming a good listener. One needs maturity and the basic desire to be a good sensible talker to develop a basic art of open listening.
Maturity comes at any age once a person becomes a rational thinker and has an urge to learn from others.
Great post. I just recently read the book “Dialogue: The Art of Thinking Together” and it goes right along with this as well. I appreciate the two lists which seems to sum up Covey’s point in 7 Habits, “Listen with the intent to hear, rather than to respond”.
Thanks for sharing Dan, I’ve learned so much from your posts!
Great suggestions!
Good, concise description of what I’ve always called “active listening”. My dad used to talk about conversations where he could tell the other person was “shooting while he was loading”. Those kinds of conversations don’t require listening. Learning to put yourself in the place of the other and help them find the answers themselves at times feels counterproductive, but in the end everyone wins.
This makes so much sense! I am going to try open listening in the classroom every now and then. Thanks for sharing!
What a great post! I used to think that women were better at that whole listening thing than men, but I no longer think so. Perhaps we don’t jump to “fixing the problem” as quickly, but we still have the tendency to focus on ourselves rather than really hear what the other person is expressing.
I really believe that *being heard* is the absolute number one NEED of every human being. So many of my clients end up expressing to me how vital it has been for their healing experience to know that I will always hear what they’re really saying (and, like Gary Bamberger above, what they’re not saying). This should come as no surprise, since when I’m honest with myself, thats exactly what I want as well.
~RJ, the Hope Coach
My pitfall is unintentionally interrupting people when I hear something that gives me an idea or if I have a different angle. I’m aware of this but it is a bad habit.
The best thing I do when I have an appointment and I need to listen is get out of my office. Too many distractions…that can divert my attention- projects, computer, etc.
Thanks for the great questions! It’s hard sometimes to wrap your head around what will engage your readers and followers. This presents a great road map and place to start with freedom to build on it and create your own.
I can’t wait to put this to use!
Myra
I find that closed listeners fear they will lose something of themselves, because for them, becoming engaged is becoming enmeshed. Enmeshed is a feeling of lost in a labyrinth. I know from experience that this is not easy to overcome. Once overcome, however, it is a leap of freedom!
The perspective that helped me become a better listener (besides my natural curiosity about people’s inner lives) is to remember that each person has his/her own journey. Why would I deny them any part of their journey of experience (good or bad). Why try to solve their problems for them and deny them the opportunity to learn (and we all learn through trial and pain). When I want to solve a problem, I remind myself to let others have their own “journey” and prevent myself from “halting” their progress by demonstrating my expertise.
Thanks for the great post Dan!
This is a great reminder that the best way to understanding is through listening.
I’m a problem solver, it is what I do and I do it well. Unfortunately it means I am often too quick to jump to resolving the problem without giving enough time to what it means to them and what they are really asking for. I counter this tendency by asking ‘what do you think’ as often as possible, this stops me pushing ‘my’ solution to quickly and helps them develop an answer for themselves.
Great ideas, these will really help me be a more open listener.
“Open listening is rigorous work not passive silence.”
I so agree with this statement. Listening is not passive and to do it well I must be intentional. Taking a moment to stop and really listen to the people I lead is often the hardest thing for me to do, especially when I am extremely busy. But the longer I lead, the more I realize how important listening is to my ability to lead and coach them.
Great post. Thanks for sharing Dan!
One of the pitfalls of active listening is listen to solve rather than listening to understand. People rarely need your help to solve but always need to be understood!
It feels wonderful to give someone the gift of truly being listened to. In those times I do it well I can tell it honors them. Now striving for consistency. Win/Win
Thanks for the excerpts from this book. It has helped me understand how one of my co-workers and my current manager have coached me and helped me grow and develop to where I am at currently in my career as a manager. It has also set the bar for a goal for me to reach for in the future.
Great post as always Dan. One of the lessons I learned a long time ago is that we, as human beings, are often very keen to help. In fact, we are sometimes so keen to help that we are already formulating ideas, answers and plans in our mind before the other person has finished speaking. The problem with this is that we have little capacity, at a conscious level, to take in AND process information.
Far better to listen totally, without judgement, without internal juggling, and THEN to ask further questions in order to help us formulate an effective response.
Have I fallen into that trap myself? Oh yes, many times. Have I paid a price for doing so? same answer. Do I do it NOW? Not if I can help it and yet we are all human beings aren’t we?
Thanks again for the thought provoking snippet Dan
Great post as always Dan. One of the lessons I learned a long time ago is that we, as human beings, are often very keen to help. In fact, we are sometimes so keen to help that we are already formulating ideas, answers and plans in our mind before the other person has finished speaking. The problem with this is that we have little capacity, at a conscious level, to take in AND process information.
Far better to listen totally, without judgement, without internal juggling, and THEN to ask further questions in order to help us formulate an effective response.
Have I fallen into that trap myself? Oh yes, many times. Have I paid a price for doing so? same answer. Do I do it NOW? Not if I can help it and yet we are all human beings aren’t we?
Thanks again for the thought provoking snippet Dan
One of the greatest pitfalls I have found in trying to be a good listener is to concentrate so much on listening (rather than interrupting), that I can forget to check for clarification, check for limiting beliefs or to validate what’s being said. I’m aware that I do this – so I watch for signs of it happening.
It’s very easy for me and anyone else to think that we are better listeners than we are. Listening is a communication skill that we should never become complacent about.
Great communicators give eye contact when listening. This not only helps one listen but also helps the speaker talk from the heart. Great article! Thank!
Great article! I think the question of what are pitfalls in being a good listener is a great one because it effects me every day. I think it’s a matter of letting yourself want to jump in when you hear something that you want to comment on in the conversation, but it’s more about just waiting till that person is done and making “mental notes” about what the person is saying to you. But I love this article and thank you for writing it!
Mark
Great post. I think we often overlook the importance of being speaker-oriented in our listening and are quick to seek solutions. Good stuff
Communication and listening are two important keys to success. An opportunity to improve always helps.
It’s easy to remove earplugs and listen. But they need to make mouth plugs so you don’t interrupt.
I believe everyone could benefit from learning to listen really well. These suggestions are a great start. Thanks
Selflessly and genuinely serving others while being open to what they are saying and what they are trying to convey to you. This should be required reading at all companies.
Comment! Book me, please!
This is my first contact with you or your blog, and I was referred via twitter to this post by Doug Clay. I really appreciate what I have perused of your material.
Grace!
Tim
“Open Listening” is only one side of the coin. We need also to consider “Open Talking”. If you get both then self-evidently you result in open communication.
The post covers “open listening” well, but lets consider what gets in the way of “open talking”. Doubtless there are lots of reasons but maybe fear is the greatest. Fear of saying something that makes you look stupid; fear of saying something “your boss” might not like; fear of making a political misstep; fear of making a mistake; and so on.
So if companies are to get the full benefit of open listening they need to foster an environment where people are not afraid of making a mistake, nor looking foolish. Companies need to encourage people to speak openly and to realise that any point of view has value, if it comes from a positive motivation.
If we create an environment that fosters both open listening and open talking, then Open Communication results. Now wouldn’t that be nice!
Wonderful discussion! I think that the foundation of engaged listening is humility. Some prompts I’ve found helpful to encourage sharing and position myself as an attentive listener are, “Please tell me about…” and “Please help me understand…”. Gradually I am learning to leverage the power of silence. In my current leadership course the instructor introduced the Japanese concept of ‘ma’ — the gap, break or pause between structural forms. In conversation, I think ‘ma’ is what takes place within the people experiencing silence. If you are patient with that gap, deeper understanding between and within the participants can grow.
Wow! This hit the nail on the head for me today. I so often want to solve my team members’ problems that I find I’m thinking ahead instead of listening. I’m going to try this today at our team meeting and see what happens.
I know a person who always uses a lot of words like daggone and seems like it takes forever to get to the point. Another who does a lot of going from one topic wandering to another to another, whatever is crossing her mind without censor, then laughing.
These tips are relevant to any employee. At some point everyone needs to collaborate, listen, share ideas and not take things personally when someone disagrees with you. It is challenging to work with closed listeners, whether they are your boss or a colleague.
Good stuff!
Very interesting new perspective on listening. I typically just hear the promotion of “active listening” vs. checking Blackberry / iPhone; ensuring eye contact, displaying non-verbal listening cues, etc. But “open” vs. “closed” listening takes it to a new level, and I’m most definitely guilty of closed listening. And here I thought I was good, practicing active listening! I’ve got a ways to go.
Thanks for this info. Sounds like a great book!
I am currently a closed listener. I truly want to be an open listener. It is very difficult for me and every situation takes tremendous effort and concentrated focus. This is something that I am concious of and an area that I want
to improve in.
In every conversation there are actually three conversations taking place. The one you are having with the other person, the one you are silently having in your own head and the one the other person has going on in their head. Sometimes the conversations we are having in our heads are very loud thus preventing open listening. Reduce the noise in your head for more effective listening. This allows you to ask better questions. Better questions focus the person you are speaking with and will reduce the noise in their head. Great post. Improved listening can be learned.
Great suggestions to get us thinking about that engaged listening mindset. I am a very task-driven problem-solver, however. So… how do you know when it’s enough “entertaining the fluff”?
I am challenged. I like to think I am a good listener but now, I am convicted to take another look at my personal ” listening” skills. Thank you.
As a professional working in a “listening” profession, this is so helpful & practical. Thanks!
We so seldom make it about them. What great corner-turning advice. Thank you!
Very interesting post. I am currently reading “turning to one another” by margaret j. wheatley and it discusses the importance of conversation and listening. I feel to be an effective leader you have to know how to truly listen. I look forward to reading this book.
As a Samaritan – not in the religious sense I hasten to add – I’m at root a listener or at least I’m supposed to be. I think the list articulates very well what we try to do and I’ll use it if I may.