Dealing with Tattlers, Whiners, and Backstabbers
Tattlers, whiners, and backstabbers wear a path to your office filling your ear with spin. They have one goal in mind; make their world better at the expense of others.
Console them and they propagate like destructive bunnies. Confront them and they go underground only to focus on you.
I’m more direct, so my approach is not to listen. Marlene Chism, author of, “Stop Workplace Drama,” told me there’s a better way. She said leaders listen. I’ve realized how wise that is.
Success with tattlers, whiners, and backstabbers:
- Listen. Use all the listening tools you’ve learned.
- Acknowledge. It’s not enough to listen to understand; listen to make others feel understood. They won’t understand you until they feel you understand them.
At this point you’re thinking, doesn’t this encourage and propagate more of the same. The next two questions move the agenda forward.
- Ask, what are your choices? Create responsibility by focusing the conversation on the person in the room. They’ll tell what they can’t do. Ask again. Help them get all their “can’t dos” out.
- Ask, what do you want? Negative people find it nearly impossible to explain what they want. Marlene said they consistently tell you what they don’t want. Listen to what they don’t want and ask again – what do you want. “You’ll hear no, no, no, and not, not, not.”
Tell them you understand they’re upset; that they don’t want things to continue as they are. Ask them to come back at 2:00 p.m. to give you their choices and explain what they want.
The trouble with tattlers, whiners, and backstabbers is they may be right. Marlene is right, leaders listen.
Have you seen the destructive impact of tattlers, whiners, and backstabbers?
What suggestions can you add to Marlene’s list?
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More on Backstabbers:
Four ways to spot backstabbers – Backstabbers seem to be your friend. In reality, they live on the fringes of social protocol; manipulating information for their own advantage.
Sweetbackstabbers – How to Get Better at Office Politics.
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Dan,
Thank you. Nice concise approach on how to handle people who come to you only to complain. I struggle with how to handle it myself. Now I have a couple of new tools I can use.
Devon,
I’m with you. Driving those activities underground isn’t any better than listening and doing nothing. At least I have a process that creates a framework.
You know things are never perfectly clean and easy but it’s a start.
Cheers,
Dan
Key point here: they may be trying to communicate something you need to know. Often not, but sometimes . . .
I’ve long used a technique that I wonder if Marlene would approve of: I listen, and then say, “I’m not going to talk about that person, but I’ll go with you to talk with him. Let’s see if we can get this resolved.” Most of the time they don’t want to go, but they can’t fault me for not helping.
I suspect, though, that most of the time no matter what we do they will be dis-satisfied. That’s why they tattle, whine and backstab in the first place. Since so much of leading these people is damage control, we have to ask whether the team would be better off without them.
Hi Greg,
I’m with you on your approach. What Marlene made me think about is my strategy drives them underground and the practice continues.
Will it stop everyone. Nope. If it doesn’t stop them, if they actively persist in the evil trinity, give them 30 days and then send them packing for the good of everyone.
I heard Bill Hybels say they give people with bad attitudes 30 days. If it doesn’t change, they let them go.
In my experience many tattlers, whiners, and backstabbers have performed well in their own area. They play well with a selected few and then manipulate the rest.
Thanks for your insightful comment.
Hi Greg
I do totally approve of your approach of telling them that you won’t talk about the other person, and then suggesting a meeting between all three of them. This is a great way to show that you are trustworthy. After all, if you won’t talk behind someone else’s back, then they know you also wouldn’t talk behind their back. You’re right that most of the time, they are afraid to actually talk to the other person, but I believe this needs to be the first step, and employees need to be taught how to approach each other first before going behind each other’s backs. (It seems time consuming on the front but in the end it saves a lot of time.) Thanks for your thoughts.
Great article and interesting comments from our followers here. Another approach to consider is giving your “whiners” more responsibility to personally take on whatever it is they’re whining about. (This works for the tattlers and backstabbers too). On the surface this sounds counter-intuitive; however, when you think about it, it can solve several issues you may have picked up on while truly istening to them:
1. It gives them something else to occupy their time instead of finding things to whine, tattle and backstab about.
2. It gives them a measure of control to have an impact on their environment – failure will rest more squarely on their shoulders if their problem persists.
3. It gives them a taste of what it may be like to be in your shoes – perhaps changing their percepiton of you, others, and the organization.
Good luck – have fun everyone!
Interesting concept and she is right. I probably fall into that category because I believe that many people could do a better job at leading our department then our current manager. The problem is he does not listen to myself and others who have been in this company for years. Instead he forces adgendas on the department that hinder it from being great. By continually ignoring his senior technicians, he creates distrust within the department. All because he does not listen to other ideas.
Hi Dan, great post. My takeaway from this post is Listen, Listen, and then Listen some more. Usually whiners calm down if you listen and validate their concerns whether real or not they are real for him or her.
Then I research to make sure this is not a system problem that is putting folks at odds with each other. As Greg stated sometimes the Whining is appropriate and everyone learns something and processes are changed and fixed.
And lastly if it is not a system problem and I have exhausted the listening, I set up a meeting with the contentious partners (not negotiable) and I moderate the interchange and we don’t leave the room until we are equally happy or equally sad and compromises and apologies if called for have been made. The meeting also provides me with first hand knowledge of the communication process between the individuals and I can either come up with an improvement plan that helps them both work together better or ultimately if one of them or both are not agreeable to making any changes then I end up making the change for them.
My CEO has a great phase which works wonders and I now reiterate: : “John it appears you are not happy with us and we want to know what we can do to help you transition to a place you feel is better suited for you.” I have found that folks all of a sudden are a lot more inclined to participate in their improvement plan and rarely has anyone ever taken me up on the option of “transitioning” out of the organization.
Ultimately the leader will need to decide if there is improvement or not and as suggested in another comment remove the most disruptive person from the team or if possible transfer him/her to another department. I feel that when we lose anyone from the organization administration loses as well and it is a time to sit down and reflect so we can modify and improve our recruiting process. Sorry for the diatribe. Thanks, 🙂
Your CEO cuts to the chase Al!
On a somewhat parallel track, pushing the accountability piece…”I appreciate you bringing up your concern(s), we of course need you to suggest solutions because you know best what would work or not… and if we really can’t implement your options, we want to work with you and HR to find an area where you will be less disappointed.”
Great way to put it Doc and it sounds a lot better than my CEO but we won’t tell him that! 🙂 I will use your “script” the very next time the situation arises and let you know how it works for us. Take care and thanks again…….
I work at a college in an Arboretum LAB.
Last year my cohort on my team tried to get me fired by going to the VP with complaints about me that they could not find fault with. She told all the interns not to speak to me. She tried to define my position with my boss. She also does not speak to me when I speak hello to her,and even throws up her head and harrumps when passing me in a hall. It is somewhat comical. She threatened me with a lawyer when I asked her stop the behavior and grow up. My boss took leave after a severe confrontation with her, Our dean doesn’t want to fire her because he said he is afraid of a suit.
There have been no confrontations now in a couple months. We worked on a project with others and she did not erupt. This year she quit her leadership position in anger. The college gave that position to me. The dept is not efficient and I have implemented changes with the heads, who approve. Now the question is what happens when everyone is informed of the changes, I think that it will be well received except for this one person. I have chosen not to be afraid.
I have chosen instead to go ahead. I am creating the new agenda and my bosses agreed to be the ones to implement this. We will all meet in a couple weeks. I am planning to have as many people there as possible. Including leaders from other gardens.
I am worried about the level of anger. I have fears of violence. What is your opinion of this situation?
Mrs. WB, I work in an academic setting also and based on what you have revealed in your post don’t be surprised when you roll out the departmental changes to receive significant push back from your colleagues since it sounds like they have not been directly involved in the change project you mention. The push back will come from those in your group whom you think would support you most. Change is something many people do not like, especially those in academia and, in particular, those with tenure.
BTW, I know you state that your bosses are on-board with the planned changes, but, believe me, they will run and duck for cover if there is even a hint of confrontation. Keep in mind, personal survival trumps ANY commitment made to another person. Question to ask yourself, If they are on-board, what specifically have they agreed to do to ensure success? It has to be something tangible, not just fleeting, hand waving support. Action beyond breathing needs to be involved.
I don’t mean to convey bad news, but I have seen this scenario so many times and it fails virtually every time I have seen it.
If you already are “worried about the level of anger and fears of violence,” I would encourage you to postpone the roll out and personally visit with your colleagues one-on-one to gain their input and support into the proposed changes. I would even suggest that you meet with the person you have been having issues with to gather her insights into how to make the changes work. Reason being, she will become the change effort’s Achilles Heel if you don’t meet with her.
Here is a strategy to consider, in all likelihood, everyone in the department knows about the strained relationship you have with her already, so use that negative to create a positive as Dan wrote about in “Useful Disadvantage” several weeks ago.
By meeting with her, you take away a lot of her arguments regarding the change AND you send a signal to your colleagues that you were even willing to meet with her to gain her input. Now, will she likely support your effort? Only if there is something in it for her. This is the reason you should meet with several other colleagues before meeting with her. Tell your colleagues that you can trust that you plan to meet with her and seek their advice on what you should be looking for and how best to approach her. As they say, It is OK to not know all the answers.
In the end, she may not support you at all, but that isn’t what this strategy is all about. It is about gaining a significant amount of momentum to implement and sustain the changes with the majority of your colleagues, Right?
Good luck, Jim
Mrs. WB, Jim’s suggestions (and cautions) are well thought out, worth heeding. You noted there are potential violence/anger related actions that need to be addressed. While, in your mind, you have many of your ducks in a row, are they? Your Dean appears to be MIA in the process, that says something beyond a gap at top leadership.
*Use SMART goals with what each person will be doing/saying. Have it in writing. You may need to have someone actually standing next to this person to monitor and intervene.
*Consider holding off until you have had repeated 1:1 meetings and heard all of the SWOTs of the plan. And of course have addressed the weaknesses and threats.Contingency planning is essential.
*You know best if meeting with her will mitigate her volatility.
Another approach is to spend time with her asking questions…why she stepped down, what is most challenging, etc. Again aligns with Jim’s approach to not know the answers.
In my presentations with the Square Wheels cartoons, I often introduce a metaphor that I have repeatedly found useful. I insert a group of animals that I call Spectator Sheep into the background and have the attendees repeat after me: “Naaaaaaaaaaaaa. Baaaaaaaaaaa!”
“You know who the Spectator Sheep are, right? They are the ones who stand around not being involved and engaged and who voice their opinion about how things are going.”
In my experience, I find these Spectator Sheep to be somewhat common and often quite useful, since they take a dis-engaged and often critical arms-length view on workplace happenings. Sure, some of them are mentally ill and some of them are simply complainers at heart.
But they are also DISENGAGED and are seeing the workplace somewhat differently than others.
Sure, it would be Most Excellent if all the “deviant” performers were on the exemplary performer-side of the performance curve. But some of these Spectator Sheep can offer good insight and ideas about what might be done differently.
Since the thrust of these presentations is to identify the Square Wheels in the workplace — the things that do not work smoothly but that might also still work — these divergent ideas can be downright useful.
I also show the Spectator Sheep as tigers under protective sheepskin clothing, but going in a different direction than the wagon. The key for me as a leader is to re-orient them to going the same way and to take their ideas and, using a team process and peer pressure / support for the ideas, see if we can use that energy for more creative exploits than simple complaints. Make them also identify some Round Wheels that they think we need to implement.
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Dan,
Thank you for bringing Marlene to your readers. I attended her stop the drama seminar and came away with life changing skills.
Thank you Cindy!
Ah yes, the destructive bunnies of tattling, whining, and backstabbing. I think to some degree this goes back to who you choose to hire in the first place. Although it isn’t possible (always) to see the individual in a real time situation, any insight you can get into how they would handle a non-interview “real” situation can be helpful.
One of the challenges that I have always observed is the one-sidedness of many of these situations – they are so frequently a “he said/she said” situation. I think first and foremost these behaviors are destructive because they divert energy away from the organization’s mission/values/vision and toward many little dead ends that detract from productivity.
I really like Marlene’s advice to have the individual with the grievance report back with specifics. I also think that the more specificity an organization has regarding performance goals, the less likely people are to engage in tattletaling – if whiners are whining, they are likely not making their goals productivity-wise and that is an opening for getting at the issues that are diluting productivity.
Paula,
Good insight about hiring right the first time. Of course in an interview the person is putting on their best behavior. (I always say in my workshops that it’s easy to know the “right” answer in the seminar, but living it is another thing. LOL
One of the things I teach in my workshops is how to listen for irresponsible language. Once you learn to listen for what I call the “four energetic patterns” that show a lack of responsibility your chances of hiring a responsible person is more likely.
The four patterns are: Blame, Resentment, Justification and Judgment. For example look at how often people blame time or being “too busy” as an excuse for not attending a function, or not showing up on time.
This is a very common example of how most of us “leak out” our beliefs and do not own full responsibility for our situation.
Here is another example: I had someone tell me that all the string-pullers and button-pushers are the ones who need my workshop. This statement tells me that the person I’m talking to believes her behavior and outbursts are because of what someone else has done, rather than learning how to manage her own emotions in spite of what someone else is doing or not doing.
I believe you could devise a Q and A designed to let you know who is likely to be more responsible and who is not. (I haven’t done this yet but would love to test it out.)
In my book I even talk about how we are so saturated with blame and justification in our culture that we don’t even notice it. Take for example Kelly Clarkson’s song “Because of You,” and Carrie Underwood’s song “Before he Cheats.” The first song blames and the second song justifies violence.
Something to think about…
Those are all really good thoughts, Marlene, and I appreciate you taking the time to share them. I often relate topics on LF back to parenting, and this topic one where we as parents certainly can be examples (good OR bad) of taking personal responsibility for our choices. Thank you for the way in which you extended the conversation.
Great post – what’s your advice once a complainer is unable to say what they want next?…
Hi Brett
Thank you for your question.
When people complain it is first because they are coming from a problem-orientation…in other words a victim mindset. If they had the solution, or felt that they had power, they wouldn’t take it all the way to the boss or the HR person. Complaining is a reactive pattern that comes from conditioning and most of the time that person will be stunned with the question, “What do you want.”
You will hear versions of “what is not fair…” and “What I don’t want is…” and “I have more seniority” and so on. As the leader, you have to remain conscious and not bite the hook, otherwise you add to the drama and also react from conditioning.
See it like a game. Stay centered and breathe. And continue to acknowledge. It will go like this: “Yes, I understand your seniority. That’s not the question. The question is “What do you want?”
“Yes, I understand that you don’t think it is fair, and you are very tired of the pattern. My question is, What do you want?”
Most of the time the person will not know. Your job is to say, “I want to support you in gaining clarity. Come back to me tomorrow at 2:00 and give me some ideas of what could work for you or what you think you want to happen.”
If they still can’t get it then help them.
If they say, “I don’t want to have to keep staying overtime to get this project done,” then you can rephrase it with a question:
“So, what I’m hearing you say is that you want others to help you take up the slack?” Or some version that speaks to what they DO want.
Speaking to Greg’s statement above…(and I hope this ties it all in in a way that’s not confusing) the next phrase is
“Are you willing…” You have to find what THEY are willing to do to be partners in solving the problem.
Example: Are you willing to meet with the other person to talk about this once you are clear about what you want, and can do so in a way that is respectful and helps you get what you want?
I hope this helps with the process. Thanks for the opportunity to share these tools
Here’s another issue with tattling and backstabing that nobody (unless I missed it) has addressed. When you have a poor leader (one who manages by intimidation or bullying), that person encourages the employees to tattle on and backstab each other.
I know this happens for a fact as I’ve witnessed it over the years in many positions and in a number of industries.
Hum, reminds me of this website:
http://my.barackobama.com/page/s/join-attack-wire-today
ER,
Great observation. In the book we do talk about this as the persecutor role on the triangle. Some leaders encourage backstabbing without even knowing it. They think they are getting the “inside scoop” but what they are really doing is creating drama and encouraging tattling and brown-nosing.
yes, i agree. Being the co-worker caught in the middle is also challenge. Especially when the boss wants believes the backstabber and feels superior for feeling “in the loop”. When the boss sides with the backstabber he perpetuates the situation by treating the victimized co-worker in a poor manner based on what the jealous backstabber has convinced him of. It sucks and is a trap for the victimized co-worker.
Hi Greg
I do totally approve of your approach of telling them that you won’t talk about the other person, and then suggesting a meeting between all three of them. This is a great way to show that you are trustworthy. After all, if you won’t talk behind someone else’s back, then they know you also wouldn’t talk behind their back. You’re right that most of the time, they are afraid to actually talk to the other person, but I believe this needs to be the first step, and employees need to be taught how to approach each other first before going behind each other’s backs. (It seems time consuming on the front but in the end it saves a lot of time.) Thanks for your thoughts.
Re: Bret | Great post – what’s your advice once a complainer is unable to say what they want next?
When people complain it is first because they are coming from a problem-orientation…in other words a victim mindset. If they had the solution, or felt that they had power, they wouldn’t take it all the way to the boss or the HR person. Complaining is a reactive pattern that comes from conditioning and most of the time that person will be stunned with the question, “What do you want.”
You will hear versions of “what is not fair…” and “What I don’t want is…” and “I have more seniority” and so on. As the leader, you have to remain conscious and not bite the hook, otherwise you add to the drama and also react from conditioning.
See it like a game. Stay centered and breathe. And continue to acknowledge. It will go like this: “Yes, I understand your seniority. That’s not the question. The question is “What do you want?”
“Yes, I understand that you don’t think it is fair, and you are very tired of the pattern. My question is, What do you want?”
Most of the time the person will not know. Your job is to say, “I want to support you in gaining clarity. Come back to me tomorrow at 2:00 and give me some ideas of what could work for you or what you think you want to happen.”
If they still can’t get it then help them.
If they say, “I don’t want to have to keep staying overtime to get this project done,” then you can rephrase it with a question:
“So, what I’m hearing you say is that you want others to help you take up the slack?” Or some version that speaks to what they DO want.
Speaking to Greg’s statement above…(and I hope this ties it all in in a way that’s not confusing) the next phrase is
“Are you willing…” You have to find what THEY are willing to do to be partners in solving the problem.
Example: Are you willing to meet with the other person to talk about this once you are clear about what you want, and can do so in a way that is respectful and helps you get what you want?
I hope this helps with the process. Thanks for the opportunity to share these tools
Dear Jim Leemann,
You have given me so much good advice. I appreciate your time. I think that your idea to go to all the individuals involved and speak with them about the changes is a valuable one. It makes sense to me. I am willing to talk to the antagonist as well.
The dean is indeed MIA as he has now found a new position out of state and just informed us he is leaving in several weeks. My boss is a professor( tenured) and does not have any desire to lead or work out the difficulties. I am a part time temp who has been there 4 years. Now promoted to Arboretum Supervisor at $12 an hour for 16 hours a week. I have a degree in Horticulture. Gardening jobs of this type in a public setting are rare. And you can see my college is not interested in supporting the Arboretum. I am working for the love of the work and for my resume.
Remember,my boss is the one who left all summer because of his confrontation with the ‘colleague” , leaving me in charge of basically nothing. I could do nothing and did not try until his return because I knew no one was ready for that change. Once back, he had to send an email twice before anyone believed the change in leadership.
The change that I am interested in implementing and my instuctor and the head of the department agreed to whole heartedly is to ask that all the part time gardeners in the Arboretum have a quarterly meeting, communicate and work together, rather than independently and be accountable for their time. We would work on a central calendar and on similar days.
This will be so much more productive.
The Head and the Instructor have agreed to lead the meeting.I don’t think it is wise to have it appear as my idea.
I will give all of your advice some more thought and try to do the most reasonable thing.
my goal is to have everyone working together as a team to improve our gardens.
Thanks for your time!
Yours in the trees
Mrs WB
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You are most welcome…Jim
Dan, I had to chuckle when I read your post. You are spot on! I recently experienced this last week. I have an employee who calls herself a realist, but in reality, is a Negative Nellie. She came into my office in tears and in anger because of problems she is having with a co-worker. (She finally met someone who calls her out on her negativity).
I sat her down and put out all of my listening skills into action. I listened intently, I paraphrased, I sympathized. It was obvious that she had no intention of “getting him in trouble.” Her words not mine. After about 45 minutes of listening, I threw out the following question: “What steps do we need to take to make this relationship better? Tell me how I can help you improve this working relationship?” She had no words as it forced her to think forward rather than backward. I could see it in her face that she was resisting thinking of solutions. She spent the next three or four minutes struggling for words and was looking for a way out the door.
Today, she thanked me for listening to her. Chuckle.
LOL! This is an “excellent” thread. I’ve learned more things to implement at work. Thanx Guys!
In reflecting on my experience, I have one lesson learned from Whiners, Tattlers is this: before they start in their spill, ask them one question: “Are you going to put it in writing so I can investigate?” If the answer is no, then I will say, “You are wasting my time and yours. Get back to work.”
Show them the door.
During confrontation, this will eliminate any backtracking of “You did not hear me correctly” or “That is not what I said.”
excellent point Mark. It took me a while to understand that unless a signature accompanies the complaint I am treading quicksand. I learned this the hard way and still cough up some sand every so often.