The Hidden Power of Weakness
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I’ve been living on the weak side of love since my accident on November 20, 2011. I’ll be on the receiving end of compassion for weeks to come. Frankly, total dependence on others is not my preferred form of humility.
Learning to be weak:
It took me a few days to find the strength to be weak.
Being weak isn’t giving up; it isn’t the end of trying. I brag about telling the nurses I could get out of bed myself, even if a trip to the bathroom took 20 minutes. They patiently taught me which movements were permissible and I “aggressively” followed through.
My best efforts, however, don’t compensate for my weaknesses.
- The strength to be weak is seeing, accepting, and freely acknowledging personal limitations, without anger or resentment.
- Being weak is enjoying the strengths and abilities of others without comparisons or exemptions. Saying, “Normally, I’d do this myself,” diminishes their efforts and contributions.
- Weakness lets you highlight the strength of others.
The down side of competence:
Leadership positions are earned through competence not incompetence. You’re competence may, however, blind you to the abilities and successes of others, especially if you are “better” than they are.
Your competence prevents you from celebrating others when you are the standard of praise. The result, you may not offer praise for achievements below yours.
Don’t pretend:
- Don’t pretend average is acceptable when excellence is expected. You can, however, celebrate effort and progress.
- Don’t pretend you are weak when you aren’t. But let others perform.
- Praise what you can. Realize, your praise opens their minds to hear strategies for improvement.
- View others through their potential and talents not yours. Help them reach their potential.
The hidden power of weakness is the ability to highlight the strength and potential of others.
How do you balance the tension between celebrating, correcting, and instructing?
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Anthropologist Margaret Mead wrote that the first historical evidence of human civilization was a fossilized broken femur – not a pyramid or a clay vase. Why a broken femur? Because that is the one huan injury that requires long-term care from another to heal. And now we can add that it was also the first reflection of what you’ve written about today – that individual weakness coupled with individual caring is the genesis of collective strength.
Joe,
You left a heart-touching comment. WOW!
Thanks Joe.
Best,
Dan
You inspire me, Leadership Freak. Even in your time of difficulty, you are teaching others, like me, how to be better people. Your experiences and knowledge are valuable to all who read your blog! Thank you so much for taking time out of your recovery to share what you have learned.
Thank you for taking time to leave an encouraging word. We’re all learning and then sharing what we learn.
I’m also inspired by your writing. Thank you for sharing your insights and wisdom. I’m amazed at your ability to see the leadership lesson in all situations. Just love your work.
Hi Marlene,
You are so kind and uplifting. I wish you success.
Best,
Dan
Great post, thank you. I’m challenged by it because I often see and treat people in a way I want to be seen and treated. I usually don’t go deep enough, though.
Example: I thrive on correction and feedback so I can grow. Most people, I’ve come to find, don’t feel that way. I’m learning how to treat people the way they want to be treated because, ultimately, that’s how I want to be treated. I want to be valued based on my own desires and abilities. I need to value, encourage and reward others based on the same.
I want to love people well enough to build them up from where they are, not from where I am or where I think they should be based on my limited perspective.
Luke,
Beautiful: “Treat others the way they want to be treated.”
Cheers,
Dan
Hey Dan,
What you’re sharing is not a convincing sign of weakness, I’m afraid. Sorry to tell you that 😉
Accidents give us a kick in the pants and you are showing us the kind of resilience one would expect from a leader.
Wishing you a full and happy recovery!
Thanks xtine… appreciate the humor… Cheers, Dan
Dear Dan,
I agree to your points. Accepting weakness is the sign of being powerful. You can balance the tension between celebrating, correcting and instructing by accepting and knowing your limitations. It also means to be humble. It becomes hard to enjoy weakness when you don’t let go your ego and arrogance. The person forgiving is more powerful than person fighting.
When people pretend, they are weak. And it is the sign of arrogance. They are not ready to face and accept what they are and have. I have seen people trying to be somebody else because somebody is having good position or power. In the process, they do anything to reach the position. That is the point when people tend to make more mistakes. It is about self belief. When you believe that you are right on moral compass, you are right. But when you think that somebody else is right, they something else dominates you, not your moral compass. So, you should know your definition of success. That determines and decides which path you should follow. Knowing boundary is more important.
Hi Ajay,
Love this statyement: “It becomes hard to enjoy weakness when you don’t let go your ego and arrogance.”
Thats true of me. Arrogance prevents me from seeing, acknowledging, and/or embracing my weaknesses.
Best to you,
Dan
You are amazing! Thank you for your continued work in what must be an immensely difficult time for you. You are quite an inspiration.
Thanks Corey, we all do what we can do. 🙂
Wow ! Why do we always come to the wisdom whenever we are touched by bad luck ! On the other hand better later then never – don’t we learn on daily basis ?
All the best “FREAKY”! Try your best to be strong ,you can do it !!!
Its true that sometimes it takes a little darkness to see the light. Cheers.
Our prayers go out to you and your family Dan!! Glad your back to blogging. Thanks!!
That means alot to my family and me. Thank you Amy!
Awesome post! One of your best. From a place of weakness we learn how to be strong. Such an interesting dichotomy, Thank you for sharing. I wish you a speedy recovery!
Hi Sue,
The tension between strength and weakness deserves attention. We are always a mix of both, never all one or the other.
Thanks for the good word,
Dan
Dearest Dan,
So many of us make the mistake of thinking we grow from our strengths and what you have so beautifully illustrated in this powerful post is that we can grow from our weakness
Your words are profound and should be read over and over again…
“It took me a few days to find the strength to be weak” (brilliant)
Dan I say my clients. “Sometimes we just have to let go …to let in…..”
My prayers to you and your family.
We love you and adore you and want you just as you are at this given moment.
You are present. You are the gift.
Lolly Daskal
Lead From Within
Hi Lolly,
Your support through these days is an encouragement to both Dale and I. Thank you for reaching out to us with your compassion.
Richness of life to you,
Dan
I don’t know the answer to the question or have a comment even – just want to say how much of a treat it is to see you in my in-box. Something I don’t take for granted any more and without which my weeks lately have definitely held a void.
Hi Paula,
Its a privilege that you include LF as part of your day. Thank you for your kind words.
Cheers,
Dan
Dear Dan,
Good life lessons from the hospital bed not only for you but even for many others. Every word that you have shared is touchy and leaves a thought behind. How helpless we are when faced with difficult situations yet the positive aspect of us makes us mentally strong to face these challenges well. Yet, we need to accept the reality situation and take the help of others who are more trained and knowledgeable than us to progress fast. Leaders do go through hard times and find the practical ways to succeed by identifying the potential of others and taking their help while appreciating their strengths.
Wish you speedy recovery and get discharged fast.
Dear Dr. Asher,
Thanks for adding your thoughts here. I am home and waiting for Dec. 20 when I have doctor appointments with the a spine and hip/hand doctors. Right now they told me to rest, so its a waiting game.
Cheers,
Dan
Good to learn on your home coming. Please take good physical rest and take care of exercises & medicines to get the required healing fast. All the best! However, I like your dedication and passion for LF post even during the difficult times.
Looks like I get the late night post here Dan. Pace yourself please with your blogs Sir…each still takes time and energy which your body may need more than us… and at the same time, bet you get a bit of energy back from us too! 😉 Our strengths are our weaknesses and the reverse of course too.
Regarding your question, how to balance the tension between celebrating, correcting, and instructing–probably depends on a few other factors, particularly level of urgency, safety, risk, etc. Not to be too glib, however, can you imagine the captain of the Titanic appreciating the crews’ ability to rearrange the deck furniture?
Because we rarely celebrate/appreciate/recognize enough within most organizations (too busy, too overwhelmed, too whatever–all excuses, btw), we could be doing that more….much more.
Do you think that correcting is often our own weakness (or a systemic weakness) manifested in others? Again because we are too busy…we tend to not ‘lean in’ right away and put off course correction until it is intolerable, rather than when it has a first ripple of negative outcome. Correcting frequency (with individuals), with a healthy organization, probably needs to be minimal. Correcting/improving is a different realm and could be continuous.
Instructing—how bout if we change that one Dan to…coaching. Coaching done well, in a free flowing way, probably needs to happen much more than correcting…to avoid having to focus on correcting later on. (Instructing feels more like a one way venture, at least traditionally.) At the end of a great coaching session, all involved feel and know something valuable has been learned.
So how to balance the tension…how bout this frequency-a ratio of 5:1:2 celebrating: correcting: coaching. If you are correcting more than that, then you probably need more coaching for a period of time. That might be a healthy tension. Duration of each is still variable.
Hi Doc,
Thanks for your note. I’m working to balance the need to make progress with the need to rest. Frankly, I’m learning to listen to my body — took a nap this afternoon!
Love your insights! KaChing for the 5:1:2 ration. Of course context matters but your suggestion seems like a great rule of thumb.
Best,
Dan
Good stuff, Doc!
Jim
It is the wisdom and acts of understanding that we learn through the times of peace and rest, that inspires us through the time of difficulties and pain,
Thanks for always sharing your valuable insights with us
Really happy you are back to blogging, wish you full recovery soon
Thanks Huda, great seeing you here. I guess I’m learning peace and rest right now.
Continued success to you,
Dan
Great post and continued prayers on your recovery. When we are incapacitated in any form, it can be a time of great discovery if you can handle the emotional trauma. For my job as a football coach, it comes after a great loss. After every game, win or loss, I tell my players to find the “mirror” and ask themselves what they did to contribute to the win or loss. The day they can honestly do that, without excuses, is the day we begin to grow as a team. But more importantly, individual growth occurs. Todays blog reminds me of that because we will have more loss days than win days. And if we can’t look in the mirror honestly, we will not grow.
Hi Joe,
Powerful comment.
Love the point that when we can see our contribution, good or bad, we grow as a team. It brings together individual and collective activities.
Sometimes orgs. lean too far toward individual or corporate. Your approach brings balance.
Best,
Dan
How are you healing? I spent 3 monthe in traction after a colision and have some idea as to your challanges. I use the word colision on purpose as positive results can come from any challanging experiance…there are no acidents things just happen. As a leader it is our responsability to ourselves to take these challanges and draw from them both positive benefit and insight to be used at a future time. Through this, as with any unexpected objective, one needs to benefit from the learning while presenting a positive face to others, and yourself. Seems as you too are keeping a positive spin while adjusting to a short term lifestyle adjustment. Stay positive and heal quickly.
Hi Steve,
Thankfully you moved through your collision experience. Thanks for the term “collision.” My collision is still changing me and my perspective on the world.
Thanks for the encouragement,
Dan
Hi, Dan,
When disempowerment happens – either through illness or injury, you are given the privilege of seeing life from a rather different perspective.
The fact that you have seen the advantages so early impresses me: It took me a considerable time. There are things that cannot be understood fully until you are actually in the position. How easy is it to be good humoured? How cranky do you get with pain? How do you overcome the boredom of a life which suddenly seems to have ground to a halt? What part does anxiety play, and how do you cope with it?
There are so many aspects of this learning process,which will all mean so much more when you come out the other side. It can then be very easy to forget. I suggest that you frame that post – and keep it in front of you always – because it is really brilliant!
Hi Linda,
Your comment has the ring of experience in it… Your expression, “different perspective” captures richly what happens during collisions.
Thanks for the series of great questions you left. Insightful.
Cheers,
Dan
I’m sorry to hear about your accident. I am not glad for difficulty in any of our lives, but am thankful for the insight and growth that often comes from our difficult moments. Thank you for your thoughts on the possibilities we can discover in our moments of weakness. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
And thank you for an encouraging word. Cheers, Dan
Hi Dan,
I have to join in the chorus in applauding you for your obvious courage in not only sharing what is no doubt a humbling moment, but also the moment of clarity it gave you about what it means to be a leader.
I would add that looking at the comments I’ve been reading here from other readers that there’s a second lesson being revealed – of how our actions and intentions to be in service of others, to help others fulfill their potential and become full participants at the table fosters a sense of loyalty in support in them to turn around and offer the same when those at the front tumble and need our help to get back up.
Godspeed Dan and best wishes for a speedy recovery.
– Tanveer.
Hi Tanveer,
Thank you for stopping in today and for your insightful comment.
I’m thankful and encouraged by the tribe of folks that add value to each other and to me.
Best,
Dan
Hi Dan,
Thank you for your perceptive comments learned during your recovery. You are amazing.
Cheers,
David
Hi David,
I’m so thankful for you and your encouragement. Also, thanks for regularly spreading the word about LF posts to your twitter tribe.
Cheers,
Dan
Hi Dan,
The inspiration you provide, to me, is that at the very time of your immobility you paradoxically… walk the talk. Thanks! May you feet follow your mind swiftly.
Paul.
Thanks for the inspiration!
I always enjoy your comments, hope you get better. I’m finding this concept is very true. My weaknesses have also given me strengths that I never really expected. For example, my tendency to sit back and observe, rather than to jump into the fray, has given me abilities of insight, planning, and critical thinking I may not have gained otherwise.
I’ll be sure to keep posted, as a (still) aspiring leader. Leaders, who have the courage to create their own legacy, and learn from others; (as opposed to relying on simply repeating everyone else’s rhetoric) are some of my greatest inspirations.
Cheers!
Dan,
This post touches me on so many levels. As a high school athlete I broke both my arm and my leg in one fell swoop. (This blogpost sortof explains: http://meaganfrank.wordpress.com/2011/03/24/broken-spring/) I was a captain and starter and my teammates were immediately thrust into new roles.
I navigated this same scenario as a college coach when our captain, and the notable “heart” of our team had a season-ending injury. Highlighting the strengths of the remaining players provided an opportunity that none of those players would have had without that player being sidelined. She learned to lead from the bench too.
And currently…literally as I type…my husband is laid up in bed because he just had reconstructive knee surgery (the first time since we’ve known each other, that he’s been injured.) The “super-dad”/ leader of our house is down and out, and the opportunity is presenting itself to our kids, and to me, to highlight the strengths we all have in his weakness.
There is great power in weakness. Not the weakness we pretend to have, but the kind that really exists and we take the time to see it, accept it, and move through it. When leaders are removed, or can effectively remove themselves, from continual leading, those who follow will feel compelled to perform. They will step up because they have to, but they will step up well because they are inspired.
You ARE an inspiration, and just imagine the impact you are having by writing in and with your weakness. Better leaders are inevitable because of your willingness to lead…even in situations like this.
Best wishes to you! MMF
Wow Meagan, you make me so proud to call myself a coach. When I read about different scenarios, we as coaches come across, that are truly teaching moments where we can impact our players, not only for the moment, but LIFELONG change, it makes me truly thankful to my Father in Heaven for steering me to become a coach rather than the career in geology I was considering.God bless you and may you, as well as others on this blog, continue to inspire this mass of mammals to continually use our conscience and noggin above to make sound judgments rather hormonal knee jerk reactions.
I believe there is a natural ebb and flow to life, and that includes in our communities (neighborhoods, athletic teams, work teams, church teams, etc.). I used to look at times when I was forced to take a lesser role as being anxiety filled (“I need to get back in there, the ______ is dependent on me.”). Nice statement of ego. What I came to observe is the opportunity that naturally occurred around me. The opportunity to demonstrate a new skill, compassion, ability, etc. To step up, step in, do something I haven’t done, etc. The shift allows others to grow, and we grow by learning that it is okay to be “less of” for a period of time.
Almost five years ago I had prostate cancer. For a period of time I was forced to allow others. During my conversations with God, I wanted to make sure that I learned what I needed to from this valley. In the end the message was this, “I want you to experience my love, so I put these people, and Emmy (the family dog), around you to feel it, see it, experience it. I learned that while it is uncomfortable to be waited on, and to be loved without condition, it is healthy and affirming to be loved in this way.
Heal, Dan, and internalize the powerful experience of being loved unconditionally.
Best…
Jim
Dan,
Thank you for providing us with yet another pearl. Wishing you continued health and wellness!
Anita
Hey, Dan.
I think there’s great strength in being able to acknowledge our own weaknesses; to step out of the mode of following the rules of polite conversation and to say “no, I’m not okay,” or “yes, I do need help.” It requires us to be vulnerable to those around us, and trust that in sharing our weakness things will still be okay. The funny thing is, more often than not, things turn out better than okay. People have an amazing way of *not* disappointing us when we can be vulnerable enough to share our weakness.
I’m continually encouraged by the way you are handling this challenging time in your life. It inspires me to grant myself more grace as well.
Blessings to you!
Tara
I was forty-four when I finally figured out that when someone reaches out their hand and offers to help you, – the answer is yes! Hardship has absolutely taught me that, and I am thankful I have learned it.
Dear Dan,
I first want to tell you that I’m inspired by your writing. I have had an accident six years ago. From my accident I have a neurological disorder, it is called Myoclonus, I have uncontrollable jerking movements. It is a form of Parkinson’s disease. Why am I telling you all this? It is because no one can tell you how you feel until they have gone through it themselves. People look at you weird, they ask if you are alright, it is hard to go to a restaurant and eat, because it is hard to eat. But through it all I have learned to fight for my health and to become a speaker for my health. I am getting better now. I have gone to Cleveland Client and now on new medicine. I’m feeling much better. From staying home, I have learn that I have the gift of Art. It has given me a new out look and it has given me my freedom back.
Interesting approach to leadership. It seems complex for a lay-person to learn and practice – at first. Having been in your place decades ago I took the “kick in the pants” attitude. [It]works and you can become a leader through the “by example” method. It’s affective, but now, from reading your’s and other’s similar methods I understand how the”… by example” method likely narrow one’s ability to grow.