Tell Your Critics to Take a Hike
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Alternate title: “Critics: Thank’em or Spank’em”
Receiving personal criticism stands apart from criticizing products, services, or organizations.
My leadership was first criticized when I was in my early 20’s. It stunned me. I still remember the sting. People who say personal criticism doesn’t hurt, lie. If you enjoy it, you’re weird or sick.
If you can’t deal with criticism, you can’t lead.
“Any fool can condemn, criticize, and complain – and most do.” Dale Carnegie
Friends propel you – enemies obstruct you:
Friends know where you’re going and help you get there. Critical-critics always want their way; correcting-friends help you find yours. Friends pull oars – enemies swing clubs.
Correction faces forward; criticism looks back.
Listen when someone says they can accelerate your success, even when it stings. Critics, however, always serve themselves not you. Critics judge you by their values not yours.
Friends correct privately – enemies criticize publicly:
Cowardly enemies criticize you when you aren’t present. They pretend to help while causing damage. They destroy relationships, question motives, and deflate morale. Friends, on the other hand, know you and secretly call you aside.
Friends sharpen – enemies dull:
Correction builds on strengths. It strengthens strengths. Criticism fixates on weaknesses while minimizing strengths. Many naturally tend to see weaknesses to fix. Fix less and sharpen more. Train yourself and your friends to sharpen your strengths and soften your weaknesses.
Beware the sweetness:
Skillful enemies pretend they care about you. The first organization I led had a sweet smiling backstabber. They seemed noble. They’ll seduce you unless you keep their goals in mind. Deal with sweet-enemies by asking, “Where does listening to you take me?” (That’s a useful question whenever you receive suggestions.)
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What distinctions between criticizing-enemies and correcting-friends can you add?
What behaviors and attitudes do correcting-friends display?
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Good post Dan.
The most important point is to me is “beware the sweetness.”
As we lose sight of who we really are, and what our core values are, it becomes increasingly easy for these “wolves in sheeps clothing” to get to us. We end up setting ourselves up for our own fall and failure.
We must keep the same lessons in mind when we give and get criticism.
Is this being done out of love or caring?
In the midst of the sting, was there a lesson to be learned? Tools offered for improvement? A helping hand?
Even if it is all bad, what can I learn from this experience?
And, am I willing to take these lessons and make a change in myself.
Criticism, good, bad or indifferent is of no value to us if we don’t learn something from the encounter.
Perhaps all you may learn is to tell some of the real wolves from the sheep better, but it will aid you tremendously in future encounters.
Martina
@martinamcgowan
And yes, I like the alternative title as well. 🙂
Hi Martina,
Thanks for being first in on the conversation and for passing the word about this post on twitter. I appreciate all you do to build up others.
Thanks for bringing the term “love” to the table. You can define love as seeking anothers highest good. In that sense, people who want to make us better, love us.
As i type this, I realize that love with a negative, problem centered orientation isn’t as effective as love with a strength orientation. I say that because I want to make room for the idea that we may love others but not know how to best lift them to new levels.
The alternate title is my wife’s. It cracked me up so I added it after publishing.
You have my respect,
Dan
I agree with you Dan about love. We may not know how to do it ourselves, but we can reach out and find help for ourselves or for them.
If someone asks me how to do a particular task or land a certain kind of job, even if it is not part of my normal “stuff”, I can probably find a few resources (people, blogs, agencies, books, articles, etc.) to point them in the right direction. And if we can’t help them, get out of the way.
Having said that, it all comes back to the bottom line, “Primum non nocere” “First do no harm”
Thanks Dan. An honor to know you and learn from you.
Thanks Dan, I remember the lightbulb moment when I realised that being ‘Devils Advocate’ was nothing more than being a smarmy critic.
Likewise there is no such thing as ‘constructive criticism’ – it’s an oxymoron – all criticism is negative.
People will go “but, but , but…” when you present this notion, however the reality is a the tendency of many is to be too quick to judge, too ego driven to think, and too lazy to offer a solution.
And why don’t they offer a solution? Usually they haven’t got one and it’s easier to blow out their chest by pointing out what is wrong, further if they really wanted to help you they would have shared their wisdom (gross assumption there) with you already.
Wow – I sound like a bad mood post today!
Hey Richard,
I feel the passion in your comment. I know you’ve been criticized!
Dang you gave us a sentence that won’t quit!!
“… too quick to judge, too ego driven to think, and too lazy to offer a solution.” It sounds a tad negative, even critical. 😉
I’ll confess that I’ve frequently been in the “devils advocate” corner way to frequently. Looking for solutions cures that malady, quick.
Thanks for a passionate comment…
Best to you,
Dan
Yep gave myself away there a bit huh!The trick is to hold the comment, become it’s antithesis, and empower those around us (or go home and have a cry). 🙂
Good morning, Dan.
In the case of the criticizing enemy, it sounds a bit like we’re talking about receiving unsolicited feedback. Never a good idea.
Two things about feedback: 1) It’s always more about the giver than the receiver (connects to your point about critics only serving themselves), and 2) the receiver is in control over what to do with it. Keeping these things in mind can put us in a much more grounded position when confronted by the criticizer.
I also really favor the distinction you make between looking forward and looking back. Looking back is only about trying to assess blame. That doesn’t help anyone. Looking forward toward what you want to do more of, that’s the productive road to success.
M
Good Morning Michael,
What do they say? Unsolicited advice is always viewed as criticism.
Love your insights. You made me think about the importance of having a true North in our lives. If we don’t critics and corrects will push us all over the place. (Recievers control what to do with it)
Thanks for consistently adding value to the conversation.
Best regards,
Dan
Wow! What a powerful message…..
I read your posts everyday. This one struck a cord in a way that I have not felt previously. It was an “ah-ha” moment for me. A perspective on what being a friend is all about. It’s not always cold beverages, pretzels, football and laughs.
There is a responsibility that comes with being a true friend that may not be all fun and games, when you have to help someone realize an opportunity to improve themsleves.
But, more importantly, your message today caused me to decern as to whether I have truly been a friend to those I consider my friends and colleagues….
New bumper sticker – “Friends are leaders too”
Thanks Dan
Patrick,
Writing this post gave me a look in the mirror too. Being a friend is a joyful privilege and responsibility.
Thanks for sharing your response. I’m sure it encourages others.
Best,
Dan
Dear Dan,
I totally agree that critics judge you by their values, not yours. Sweet smiling backstabbers are present almost in every organization. There are other categories of backstabbers: soft speaking backstabbers. They speak so soft that you will tempt to believe them. When you do that, they will sting you with all possible ways. I absolutely agree with you that friends correct privately and enemies criticize publicly. Other distinctions are that enemies try to dig out more information about you so that they can distort information in different forms. Correcting friends support your stand and enemies withdraw support and create distrust in the system. Enemies actually do not believe anyone. Correcting friends inculcate confidence and brings stability in their approach and guidance. They appreciate in your absence. Correcting friends display the reputation building agent behavior whereas criticizing enemies display image damaging behaviors.
Dear Ajay,
Thanks for your comment.
Your statement: “Enemies dig out more information about you so that they can distort information…” Hit me between the eyes. Exactly!
Breaking down backstabbers into various categories has real potential.
Sweet smiling
Soft spoken
Out of no where
On your team (but not really)
…..
Thanks for your insights,
Dan
Great post and good insight in the comments. I’d like to underline the point that it’s worth taking a minute or so to mine for the nugget of truth. If you don’t find one, you’ll feel a lot better about blowing the person off. If you do find one, you can gain something of value to help sooth the sting and maybe avoid a repeat.
Hi Greg,
Yup! Critics may have a point. And if we have time listening it may be useful.
One thing that motivated me to write this is the usefulness or lack there of of spending time with what I called critics vs. correctors.
I also wanted to clearly delineate between being criticized personally and having customers criticize a service or product.
Having said that, you are right. One of the “frustrations of life” is finding out my critics were right, after all. 🙂
Thanks for being here and sharing your insights.
Best,
Dan
While my definition of criticism may not be as a total negative experience, Dan (I need criticism so that I can self-correct), it does need to be an unconditional positive regard critique. Using that phrase slightly tongue in cheek, the criticism needs to be timely, healthy and helpful.
Negative critics point at you wagging their finger (forgetting that the other fingers are pointing at themselves).
And much of the current perception/knowledge base indicates that when errors occur and corrections or criticism is needed, it may often be a systems issue (which is ultimately a leadership issue), not a personal/personnel issue.
Your observation of correction facing forward is a great one Dan…perhaps that frames the feedback discussion. Are we dwelling, digging, reveling in the past error or seeking to improve?
Doc, you make me think much of the problem is that criticism has morphed to mean negativism, and that’s what most of our critics are: negative. To think critically is to weigh what is good and bad, evaluate what is true and untrue. Oh that critics would speak critically, in that sense.
Hi Doc,
Your keen mind can dig in and point out. Thank you.
Admittedly I dangle terms loosely in front of readers to give us all a chance to mull things over. I don’t want to be so far afield as to seem a nit wit. On the other hand reading peoples responses is invigorating and enlightening..
And then of course there are the times I write something and totally miss the point… oh! Did I just correct myself or was that a criticism. 🙂
You consistently demonstrate a balanced, compassionate, well-developed approach to leadership that encourages and challenges me.
Best,
Dan
Dan,
Loved this post. Like Martina, the part that resonated the most with me was the description of the sweet-talking back stabber. Ouch!Haven’t we all been blessed by such a person, somewhere within a productive career?
My dad frequently gave me three wise words for such situations.
“Consider the source.” Old words words we’ve all heard, but nevertheless wise words.
Do I respect the person, their values and their decisions? Then listen to their wise words and grow. OR Is this a person with an agenda based on jealousy, lack of confidence or runaway ego? Then let their words flow off you like water off a duck’s back.
I wish those hurtful words didn’t sting, but with me they still do. It’s part of being a contributing member of any community or organization. But dad was right, “Consider the source.” Listen to words from people whom you respect and value. Then move onward and upward.
Dauna Easley
Actually you can count on your enemies to tell you the truth since they don’t care how you feel or if you like them. Your friends on the other hand will tolerate you eccentricities and bad ideas without correcting your errors because they don’t want to offend you or lose you as friend. This springs from the same well as the phrase, “keep your enemies closer”.
A Buddhist monk at Samye Ling in Scotland echoed Badmonkey’s comment:with a suggestion along the lines of: love your enemies because they help you grow whereas friends help you remain stuck in the same place!
I find it helps me deal with those critical moments positively!
Couple of thoughts:
Samuel Goldwyn (The G of MGM and a notorious bad guy) said:
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody around me to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.”
and
“Don’t pay any attention to the critics – don’t even ignore them.”
And I always loved this Irish Poem:
May those who love us, love us
And those that don’t love us,
may god turn their hearts.
And if he doesn’t turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles.
So we will know them
By their limp.
I have that “Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain, and most fools do” as a Benjamin Franklin quote… ??
To wear your heart on your sleeve isn’t a very good plan; you should wear it inside where it functions best.
– Margaret Thatcher
To be uncertain is to be uncomfortable. To be certain is to be ridiculous.
– Chinese proverb
But then there is always:
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
– from former United States of America VP, Mr. Dan Quayle
Have fun out there!
One more comment and on a more serious note:
The Institute of Nuclear Power, INPO, a training organization for operators of nuclear plants uses the concept of Devil’s Advocate as a personal training and organizational development framework. They coach their client organizations to appoint one person to take that role in every meeting — to play the negative to prevent the others from simply tip-toeing along the path.
Everyone knows that this is the person’s “role” for that period of time, and the purpose is to generate different perspectives and to question every decision, to look for things that need to be looked at for the overall good of the organization. A More Critical Thinker, and this often among a bunch of engineers who ARE critical thinkers.
But perspective is useful. It just has to be constructive overall, and useful.
Thank you Dr Scott!
I loved the article but it lacked some thing I couldn’t quite get words on…
now I can fully benefit!
I think I have read this post 20 or 25 times. I like the phrase, “Friends pull oars–enemies swing clubs.” I think that is how you tell the difference. Does it sting like a club, or do you feel supported like someone helping you row through life?
My role as a natural health practitioner sometimes results in my having to give unsolicited advice to my clients. I always ask if it is okay to give it and it is always something useful about acting or reacting differently rather than being tied to old patterns of behavior which are self destructive. For example, “you know, you could leave the room when that happens.” Sometimes people are stuck. They don’t see their options.
I love your stuff. “Where does listening to you take me?” The most powerful things are many times quite simple. I can’t tell you how many times over a business lifetime that I wish I’d had this simple question on the tip of my tongue. Another, that I did learn early: “Where will doing this take me?” Thanks so much for your insight.
Okay — here’s a situation I’ve been in a few times. Someone who is looking for me to connect them, or to help them with a job search, or whom I know is trying to give a good impression, does something which I believe is actively hurting their image. I’m usually reticent to correct personal behavior, but I know that this is likely holding them back. In this case, I usually take the route of a private conversation prefaced by, “I was hesitant to say anything, but I thought you’d want to know that……”
Does this make me a critic? Is this for my ego? Should I just keep quiet?
btw — part of my living is made as a coach to nonprofit executives, but in these cases, it was not in the context of an engagement.
I wouldn’t distinguish between helping someone for pay and helping someone as a favor. They still solicited your professional advice and assistance. You can still ask for permission.
Thanks – -I think I was unclear. In most of the cases I’m thinking of, they haven’t asked for the advice. But I still feel okay about offering it, as long as it’s in private, and I believe it’s affecting their advancement.
Good morning Dan,
As another one of your readers commented I also read your posts daily (and share them with friends regularly) but this one was a huge light bulb moment. The biggest take-aways for me are “Correction faces forward; criticism looks back” and “friends sharpen while enemies dull”.
I just made a break from an enormously negative environment and could have used your wisdom to help me survive the carnage. I’ll now reflect on this post to put those experiences in their proper perspective.
Thank you.
Maria,
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad you are moving forward.
You have my best wishes for success.
Dan
Dan,
“Where does listening to you take me?” Brilliant!
In light of yesterdays post (and the next time I want to open my mouth) I would propose: “Where does listening to me take you?”
I love the simple but tough questions.
I tell people that solutions lie in the questions, not the answers.
Thanks for your wisdom and insight.
Dan,
I heard this commentary on “friends” on a webinar the other day and it made me smile (much as your “spank ’em or thank ’em” does!)–
“A friend is someone who helps you, an accomplice is someone who helps you get in trouble.”
I think that the enemy-critics you describe are also accomplices as defined above– listen to them and you’ll get yourself in trouble!
Great post like always.
Wanted to add my own “leaders perspective”: Sometimes to shake up a person or get your message across, you need to be curt and matter-of-the-fact. Its not rude, but comes across. Sugar coating, acting over friendly can lead to others thinking the issue is not serious and not getting proper feedback. As long as what you are saying has the right intentions, it wont hurt. If there is a perception that your intentions are wrong [whether you are blunt or sugar coated], you won’t get your message across.
Great post! I was reminded that some time ago you wrote this:
Help Me I’m Being Criticized!
Critics say more about themselves than they do about you. They impose personal values and expectations as criteria to evaluate you and your behaviors.
The more your organization accomplishes the more criticism leaders face. Some will complain you didn’t accomplish the right things. Others will criticize your methods, and some will question your motives -suggesting you’re driven by arrogant self-glorification.
I have kept this because it has meant a lot to me. I know for sure that if I search my heart I will find a lot of “not so nice things” each time I am tempted to criticize someone. Like a boomerang it comes back to me.
On the other hand I have experienced that the people who criticize me, my work, collegues, family members and so on also should look in the mirror.
I have been thinking – maybe the reason simply is projection – seeing own flaws in others. The old – it’s easier to se the sprint in your brother eye than the log in your own.
Then again I must say that when I have rearranged my feelings after being criticizes and made an objective survey of my actions – and this has happend from time to time – the reward is indeed great. But this is then my own doings – by grace – and not my critic. They are left with their mirror exercise. :))