Being Dissatisfied Without Becoming Critical
The line between healthy dissatisfaction and destructive criticism is narrow. Dissatisfaction drives change and inspires innovation – all leaders feel it.
Criticism, on the other hand, inspires fear, resistance, defensiveness, excuses, anger, or bitterness.
Dissatisfaction points to potential, growth, and improvement. Criticism digs at what was wrong.
Healthy dissatisfaction motivates. Criticism demotivates.
Embrace dissatisfaction – temper criticism.
- Focus more on what you want and less on what you don’t want.
- Criticize when invited but do it gently, most can’t tolerate it. I’ve been watching responses to subtle, gentle criticisms. Most sit back and cross their arms – even if they don’t say anything – their body language pulls back. They seldom lean in and say, “Tell me more.”
- The right to criticize is earned with love and loyalty.
Create dissatisfaction by:
- Thinking of what could be. “Wouldn’t it be great if …”
- Allowing failure – as long as consequences aren’t permanent. Protection produces complacency.
- Concentrating on the best in your field. “She’s the best at managing budgets. I wonder if …?”
Passion for excellence creates dissatisfaction.
Evaluation:
Evaluations based on previously established performance expectations aren’t dissatisfaction or criticism – they’re healthy feedback.
Critical or supportive:
Leaders working to mold you into expressions of themselves see faults. What they see wrong in you is “right” in them. These leaders destroy the potential of diversity and form mini-me organizations.
Helping people become who we want them to be – a mini-me – makes us critical. Helping people become who they want to be is supportive.
Constant criticism suggests:
- The wrong people are on your team. Find people you can support.
- Performance metrics and behaviors aren’t clear. Clarity precedes success.
- Struggles with diversity.
How do you deal with dissatisfaction?
How can leaders create healthy dissatisfaction?
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Post in a picture by Larry Coppenrath:
A great post. Many leaders/managers (even parents!) struggle with the balance in these areas. When frustration builds – no immediate change – we can very quickly transition from constructive to destructive.
Hi Ken,
Thanks for stopping in today. A word of encouragement always helps!
Best,
Dan
Oh wow is this ever good info. It is such a fine line between the two and often a matter of relative perception too. I struggle with this and have suffered the consequences of being too critical. But in hindsight I have also suffered the consequences of having my manager or boss want to mold me into mini thems. Negotiating boundaries is tough work. Its hard being a human, lol!
Thanks, great post!
Hi Stacy,
My own self-assessment and my observation of other leaders is most criticize too much and affirm/encourage too little.
Our passions for excellence should be redirected.
Best,
Dan
it is a great post, but I fear the process is against you. Modern society and its institutions have created the paradox of disillusion where every misstep is an opening for a competitor’s agenda – a routine function is an opportunity for embellishment.
No, i fear we are losing our bearings on what it means to live.
I’ll keep looking to find my bearings… 🙂 Life is smoother with bearings. Cheers!
Dan,
“Helping people become who they want to be is supportive.” This is sooo true. It also fosters wonderful relationships.
I once owned a small private school which had a wonderful staff of professional teachers whom I thought of as my friends. But the financial reality is that private schools don’t have the funds of public schools and I could never pay them what they were truly worth. Still some would stay at our school for many years.
When they would find more lucrative employment, it was hard not to take it personally when they left. I learned this lesson early. You have to want for people what they want for themselves. You have to want them to reach their best and highest potential. I had to learn to swallow my disappointment and be truly happy for them.
The result? My former staff are accomplishing wonderful things all over the country. I have strong relationships with most of them. We are still learning from the professional growth of each of us.
Dauna Easley
Hi Dauna,
Love your story. I feel your authenticity.
“Want for people what they want for themselves”… thats a gem!
I’m thankful you added value by sharing your insights.
Best,
Dan
One thing that keeps coming up in these kinds of discussions is the issue of engagement. Doing things WITH people to make improvements that THEY see as important (personal and organizational) is a lot different than the perception that one is doing things TO them.
If they are involved and engaged in the issues and opportunities of an organization, feeling part of the team, and confident that they are contributing, it is much more likely that they will not react to ideas from others, being their peers or their leaders.
Working WITH them to identify some of the Square Wheels and gain their ideas around the possible Round ones is so very much different than what might result when there is a lot of “Telling and Yelling,” which seems a more common organizational response to so many things.
The data on engagement are telling — in so many organizations, many more people are disengaged and uninterested than engaged. So many people are un-motivated, often through some de-motivational event or situation.
Boss spelled backwards is also self-explanatory. A boss is not a leader and is not so likely to engage and involve. Asking and listening are not just two words, they are two very important words for all workplaces.
.
“Helping people become who they want to be is supportive.” This is so true and so easy. Instead of talking to employees about how their actions and habits are impacting you, tell them how those habits are impacting their ability to achieve their goals. What does the employee want, a promotion, greater responsibility, or skill mastery? Chances are the behaviors you want to change are keeping them from that goal. If you have the discussion with the employee in that light, I want to help you achieve that goal and these are the obstacles I see in your way. It is amazing how negative body language will turn into a thank you. The employee becomes more motivated to make the changes and everyone wins.
About a year ago, I began holding monthly One-on-One meetings with each of my staff members. I learned this from a management site called Manager Tools. It’s a chance for me to hear feedback from them on all sorts of topics…whatever they want to discuss, really. There is also a component where I talk about their goals and aspirations, professional and personal. It’s really important to dial in to these in order to stay on track with moving them forward in their lives. I (usually) never want to lose an employee but if it means losing them to a promotion or the next positive step in their career, that makes me happy.
Dear Dan,
Satisfied state infuses complacency. Unsatisfied state instills growth. Unsatisfied people may not be critical but critical people are definitely dissatisfied. Dissatisfaction looks for hope and criticism invites hopelessness and frustration. I believe in direction of my goal and the path I follow to achieve my goal. Dissatisfaction without effort to achieve your goal leads to desperation and criticism. I always analyze and evaluate my path to achieve goal. When I find that path leads me to somewhere else, I try to navigate. I believe that when dissatisfaction enhances energy and enthusiasm, it is healthy otherwise not. I think leaders can create healthy dissatisfaction by being real and authentic . They should believe in their strength and capability. They should fosters values that are long lasting. They should set their own examples and should become role models.
Dear Dan,
A great post Dan.
Satisfied state infuses complacency. Unsatisfied state instills growth. Unsatisfied people may not be critical but critical people are definitely dissatisfied. Dissatisfaction looks for hope and criticism invites hopelessness and frustration. I believe in direction of my goal and the path I follow to achieve my goal. Dissatisfaction without effort to achieve your goal leads to desperation and criticism. I always analyze and evaluate my path to achieve goal. When I find that path leads me to somewhere else, I try to navigate. I believe that when dissatisfaction enhances energy and enthusiasm, it is healthy otherwise not. I think leaders can create healthy dissatisfaction by being real and authentic . They should believe in their strength and capability. They should fosters values that are long lasting. They should set their own examples and should become role models.
When there’s lots of complaining, I want to help folks to think about deciding what’s worth trying to change, and what’s less important. I ask, “On a scale of one to ten, how important do you find this to be? Do we have any issues higher? Then, let’s not forget this, and let’s deal with the higher level issues first.” Most people I’ve worked with find this to be a helpful approach.
On the issue of complaining, we generally reframe this with a notion of “Spectator Sheep.” I show a cartoon that has sheep on the side of the hill, kind of observing what is going on, with little voice bubbles showing “Naaaa” and “Baaaa” and I get the group to “voice their thoughts with the naaas and baaas.
I ask the group for their thoughts and ideas on what is happening.
The idea is to identify the behavior as basically harmless. But I also then point out that they are non-involved as well as dis-engaged and they are simply voicing their dissatisfaction with the way things are.
Another cartoon shows a tiger (or a lion in Asia) under a “protective sheepshin covering.” I also have the tiger headed in the wrong direction and I ask the group for ideas about what is happening.
Then, I flip the tiger (and change the background color from yellow to greeb) and ask what we need to do to get this (person) going in the other direction. And I ask the group for their thoughts and ideas.
Basically, I make some fun of the spectator sheep that are actually in the audience (they self-identify most of the time) and ask them about what they need to do to re-engage and re-involve themselves in the work of the group. The group supports this, for sure.
And I also point out that these Spectator Sheep often have a very different view of what is happening in the organization because they are dissociated and have different perspectives, and thus they care about what is going on (generally) and just want to see some things change.
Dissatisfaction with the way things are now is one of my motivating factors in my model for organizational change and continuous continuous improvement.
.
Love the naaaa and baaaa idea!
Another great post Dan.
You have a knack of putting woolly issues across succinctly and clearly (something else all leaders should aspire to – another blog topic?)