Seeing the Way You’re Seen
If perception is reality, pay attention to perceptions.
It’s frustrating that hands-off leaders may be perceived as distant rather than making space for others to shine.
The way you see you and the way others see you frequently aren’t aligned.
Identify:
If more eye contact made others feel you cared, would you give it? First, determine if you care if people think you care.
Align the way others feel about you and the way you feel about yourself by asking, “How do I want others to feel about me?” Take a minute and jot down your answers. Last night I jotted mine.
I want others to feel I’m: valuable, interesting, dependable, strong, and welcoming. My top three are:
- Respect for me as a person.
- Confidence in my abilities.
- Gratitude for my contributions.
Aligning:
- Identify how you want others to feel about you.
- Invite feedback. Employ open ended questions. Use terms like “think” or “perceive” rather than “feel.” But, ultimately it’s about feelings.
- Pinpoint behaviors that formulate other’s perceptions. Avoid asking, “Why do you think/feel that way?” Ask, “What do I do that makes you think/feel that way?”
- Adopt new behaviors.
- Monitor responses and reactions from others. Don’t get needy and paranoid. Just pay attention.
- Invite feedback, again.
- Adapt as needed.
Hypocrite:
Isn’t this whole thing hypocritical, even manipulative? You may think, just shut up and do a good job. Tight alignment, however, between personal values and intentional behaviors is authenticity, not hypocrisy. Adapt behaviors not values.
Satisfaction and effectiveness grow when external perceptions and internal realities align.
Bonus activity: Ask your spouse what you do that makes them feel loved.
How do you want others to feel about you?
How can you effectively invite useful, honest feedback concerning the way others see you?
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Dear Dan,
Two powerful ideas emerged from this post. If perception is reality, pay attention to it and adapt behaviors, not values. If perception is positive, try to maintain it, on the other hand, if it is negative, try change into positive reality. I believe when perception is negative it takes longer time to change it. Promotions in organizations are more influenced by perception. So, perception influences people behavior. Organizations expect people to adapt to change. Change could be any form. Starting from the trend, practices to values and behaviors. Those who embrace change face less challenges. But those who do not accept change, face more difficulties. The interesting point is that changing and adapting behavior seems easy but actually difficult. There could be behavior that can challenge your values. So, leaders maintain consistency between behavior and values. I think in the process trust plays a major role. I think people should think about me as a trustworthy and authentic person. I can invite honest feedback by removing fear and increasing people confidence to express their feelings and opinions.
Dear Ajay,
Thank you for pointing out two important ideas. I value your perspective and insights.
You got me thinking about how easy negativity is and how challenging creating and maintaining positive perceptions. If we leave it to chance then chances are it won’t be what we hoped.
Love the insight that we must let others know we value their feelings and opinions if we expect them to be honest with us.
Best,
Dan
Hi Dan,
As you’d probably guess from my own writings, and my prior responses here, I completely agree that perception is reality. But after reading and considering your questions, I decided to take a different approach.
I decided to ask, “How would I like others to PERCEIVE THEMSELVES when they are working with me, or in my organization?”
I decided my top three, :
1. Valued by me, and valued by fellow employees.
2. Self-accountable and empowered.
3. Like their work is appreciated and they are making a difference.
These will move about in priority in any given moment. Actually, the hierarchy is pointless… they are all equally important to me.
The desires will influence how I will express, and ultimately, will influence how others will perceive me.
Hope it makes sense!
Best to you…
Mark,
Great seeing you again.
I love where you took this topic. It’s a whole new dimension that I’m mulling over.
I have three questions now:
1. How do I make people feel?
2. How do I want people to feel about me?
3. How do I want people to perceive themselves?
Thank you for jumping “off course.”
Best,
Dan
Thank you, Dan… it’s wonderful how artful questioning can bring perspective changing answers. 🙂
It’s also important to note that despite your best efforts, people’s perceptions are essentially their own creation. When you try to project an air of confidence and decisiveness, people may interpret it as arrogance and “my way or the highway”. Attemping to be collaborativ and respecting the ideas of others can be interpreted as weakness.
How to ovecome this? It boils down to constant communication and integrity of purpose. If you, as a leader, continue to have the best interests of all parts of the organization at heart, regardless of the inevitible petty interpretations of your actions by others, this excellence will shine through over time.
Hi Joe,
Love your expression “integrity of purpose.” Powerful.
Thank you for stopping in and adding value.
Cheers,
Dan
Thanks, Dan!
I’d love to take credit for the phrase, but I got it from a pretty great book on conflict resolution by Ross Madden called “The Three Poisons”.
Very practical advice, thanks for sharing.
One insight I’ve had as a result of this kind of thought is that it’s also important for me to be willing to change my perceptions about other people (who may be trying to apply the above advice).
I hate when people seem to hang onto an inaccurate perception of me, so I try not to do it to anyone else!
Good stuff Dan…..This one soaked rightr in. Thanks so much.
Whenever I see an article about perception, I always think about Chris Argyris’ theory about the Ladder of Inference (http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTMC_91.htm).
I agree with Joe. It is hard to control what other people think of us because they add so much of their own experience and emotion to what happens when we interact with them.
The solutions Dan mentioned above are excellent practical tips to dispel other people climbing the ladder. For me, I think the hardest is #3 since people aren’t always aware that they are making assumptions (climbing the ladder) or even if they are aware, they won’t tell us why. That leaves us with only their behaviour to use as a guide to improving their perception of us. As Dan says, I think being authentic in your interactions, sticking to your values and paying attention to feedback are the best tools you have to ensure your intentions and others’ perceptions of you are aligned.
Tina,
A agree with you. The whole thing is really a much more organic dance, anyway, with thought choices, beliefs and action choices, etc., all interacting real-time in this amazing ebb and flow.
I often talk about leadership as the ability to deliver a compelling perspective via who we are, what we say, and what we do. I put it that way because I do believe others are accountable for their choices of thought and belief, and how those thoughts and beliefs affect their perceptions and emotions.
But it’s hard to reduce anything as dynamic as relationships to a linear equation: I am influenced by my own influence even as I exercise it! The dynamic is changing in subtle and obvious ways as I move through the day.
Best to you…
You are so right about this being a dance, constantly changing and evolving. Life is hard work!
Agreed that others are accountable for their thoughts and beliefs. I have met a few people are not self-aware nor ready to be accountable. which is a very difficult situation. I have found walking them through a detailed breakdown of a interaction (i.e. the argument at last week’s project meeting) can help them see how they are making inappropriate assumptions and acting upon their assumptions. Although as I said before, sometime they won’t share what made them act a certain way but hopefully they will realize it themselves as you walk through the example with them.
Thanks for the link Tina to the ladder, very applicable to Dan’s blog today…at least that’s my reality and I am sticking to it! 😉
About the time we think we have any ability to control what others think of us, is time to take a few steps back and think again.
So glad you found it useful Here’s a great visual which I use with my clients when discussing interpersonal skills: http://www.masterfacilitatorjournal.com/inference.html
How others feel about me…how others think about me…how others know me…how others act because of me….each has a distinct domain and at the same time because it is an evolving dance as Mark noted, there are multiple common points of convergence.
For some reason Dan, I locked in on the middle point in how I want people to feel about me…dependable. Even that can come with several different negative dance steps….”oh, he’s always that way”…”count on him to bring THAT up!”…so maybe the added variation to the tango are unconditional positive dependability. I want people to feel, think, know and act based on me having unconditional positive dependability. Certainly is a high bar, eh! It seems that the other elements: welcoming, valuable, etc., fall into place with that moniker.
Your 7 alginment checkpoints Dan definitely fit with high dependability….perhaps in a repeated positive cycle? Once you reach point 7, lather, rinse repeat. 🙂
Well said, Doc, and thanks for the affirmation…
Dan, I’ve been working a lot with people who don’t want to see themselves as others seen them. It inspired me to write a little longer piece (411 words) 🙂 http://www.facebook.com/pages/Leadership-Vision-LLC/139146342782193
Hopefully, it provides some useful thoughts to what you and others are saying. I consider our ability to see ourselves more clearly (closer to how others do) to be foundational to the quality of our life (work, relationships, ability to earn, lead, etc.)
Best…Jim
Interesting article, Jim, well said. It’s a call to action for people to become accountable.
When I was doing my Social Work degree (eons ago!) we had a saying “You can’t help someone until they want to help themselves”. If people don’t want to see themselves as others do, it’s like hitting your head against a brick wall!
There has to be a catalyst for someone to make the decision to open their eyes and be accountable. The catalyst is different for everyone, sometimes it’s a loved one telling them they are acting like a jerk, sometimes it’s being fired from a job or being a pariah at work, sometimes it’s realizing they are abusing alcohol or neglecting their family, etc.
Until they come to that point of desiring change for themselves, we can only do what we can to be authentic and be accountable ourselves – like using Dan’s 7 points above.
One of my favorite leaders of all times, Lee Cockerell says, ” Be careful what you say and do, because they are watching you and judging you every second of every day. What they see you say and do causes them to either trust you or not trust you. Trust is everything. If you don’t have trust, your results will fall well below their potential.”