20 Ways to Disagree with your Boss
If you never disagree you’re irrelevant. Here’s how to disagree successfully:
- Ask what to do if you disagree before disagreements emerge.
- Watch and learn when others disagree.
- Avoid win-lose situations, it’s likely you’ll lose.
- Know and embrace the boss’ goals. If you don’t align with the big picture, find another job.
- Come with solutions and options or don’t come at all.
- Defend your option don’t make them defend theirs.
- Don’t prove the boss wrong unless you have the facts. (See #9!)
- Come with the facts. Your opinion isn’t more valuable than others unless you’re an expert.
- Private is better than public.
- Listen, listen, listen. Listening is respecting. Respect opens the heart.
- Fill your relationship with agreements before expressing disagreements. Every agreement is a deposit in your relationship-account. Express agreements frequently and publically.
- Approach from the side not the front. Lateral approaches sound like, “Could I make a suggestion?”
- Offer alternatives rather than critiques. “What if” is better than “But” and “Why.”
- Don’t waste your relationship collateral nitpicking.
- Publicly and privately align with organizational mission and vision. If you aren’t clearly entrenched in making positive impact, keep your mouth shut.
- Understand that sandwiching disagreements between two agreements never works like you expect. Effective bosses cut to the chase and ignore peripherals. (Refer to #11)
- Express agreements even though they don’t work. It’s respectful.
- Stay focused on the present. Bringing up past issues is picking scabs off old sores.
- Ask if you can test your option to see how it works.
- Drop it. After the decision is made, if you can’t grab an oar and row like heck, grab a life vest and jump overboard.
How do you express disagreements with the boss?
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Important points Dan. Ultimately you must either embrace the team goals or leave it behind. There is no way that an obviously divisive can lead effectively for the long term. If you cannot support the boss, especially in the public arena, then you should not stay.
Martina
@martinamcgowan
Hi Martina,
Great seeing you today. Thank you for dropping in and driving home one of the more difficult points of today’s post.
In my own world, it’s much easier to listen to those who are making positive contribution. Being on board earns one a voice.
You have my best,
Dan
thanks for the writing.
Your welcome Antz
I have learned that when you compromise, you both loose. I think that it is important that you find the win-win (there is always one if you are willing to put forth the effort and look for it).
Hi Todd,
Thanks for bringing up win-win. In order to achieve it, as you indicate, don’t compromise on an essential. Find out what the other person really wants and try to give it to them. I think we just jumped into the conflict resolution pool.
Best,
Dan
Great stuff, as always, Dan. Here’s one that I loved:
“Come with solutions and options or don’t come at all.”
How true that is. When people disagree with me, I have no problem with it at all, but I love it when they bring alternates to the table.
I think respectful disagreements are healthy, like in any relationship. To answer your question, I personally tend to try to make it fun. Sometimes, I find it appropriate to cleverly disguise a disagreement due to politics, maybe put it in the form of “creatively augmenting their genius”.
One last note..
“Bringing up past issues is picking scabs off old sores.” – eww.
Hi Ryan,
Thank you for your comment… and the smile your “eww” brought to my face. 🙂
Perhaps leaders could employ a debate tactic to make disagreeing healthy and useful. Once two or three options are identified, assign various members of the team to advocate for an option they DIDN’T suggest… fun.
Best to you,
Dan
PS…thanks for your support on twitter.
One thing that I had to tell my team in the past was that they needed to express themselves in our team meetings, not in the “meeting after the meeting,” where certain members of the team gathered to talk about the meeting. It’s easy to be brave in that setting but it’s also unproductive & encourages factions. By building an environment of trust & mutual respect, people know it’s OK to dissent, as long as it’s done respectfully, and that once a final decision is made, we’re all rowing in the same direction (supporting even if we don’t agree).
Also good points Jae. There is a time, place and way to handle disagreement and discussion. Eventually the mission will be determined. We will never all agree 100% of the time (we are after all only human), and a place of safe discussion and discention should be fostered.
But eventually everyone must be rowing in the same direction.
Martina
Hi Jae,
Wonderful addition to the conversation. Once again, the role of leadership in creating safe, open environments is essential.
Best,
Dan
Thank you Dan for making the “sandwich” approach NOT gospel. You flatter your audience.
There are bosses who preach this and not realize that smart employees pick up on the “technique.” Way better to foster trust (both ways) over the long haul so that you don’t have to butter up and butter down.
Hi Rob,
The sandwich approach is a great waste of good compliments. The negative in the middle erases what could be very helpful. You are doing a great job… BUT …. By the way thank you….
“But” is an eraser.
Thanks for pointing out one of my pet peeves. You are nailing it.
Best,
Dan
Great post Dan. I’ve had to experience this situation with an organisation I was volunteering with. Last night I finally had to choose option 20 on your list and jump overboard. While I would have preferred a different outcome, I must say, it’s proved to be a lovely day for a swim.
Keep up the good work,
Carthage
Hi Carthage,
Over-all, I wonder if we aren’t prone to hang on too long.
YOu have my best in future pursuits. Life is too short to ride along in a boat that isn’t really heading where you want to go.
Best success,
Dan
Dear Dan,
The various ways as suggested by you is more like ‘a check-list’ and self-introspection as to what actually I am doing while disagreeing with the boss.
Each point has a relevance but knowing the boss and his work style, one can adopt to a set of acceptable techniques.Yet, one needs to build the credibility to get listened to and respected for your different views with adequate justification while communicating.
My stand remains as ‘Keep your self-esteem by following the right good manners and the respect for a hierarchy position’. Moreover, ‘Conviction with supporting facts and keeping the organization interest’ can help in getting easy acceptability with mark of good respect.
Love your posts in getting self-developed on a daily basis. Kudos for showing the path of success!
Dear Dr. Asher,
“Keep the organizations interests” in the forefront! Few things destroy one’s credibility more quickly than acting in self-interests.
We know we can’t trust those who are in it for themselves.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words.
Best to you,
Dan
A number of your excellent points Dan, fit into prep work before the dialogue. Going into such ‘planned’ interactions require unconditional positive regard, otherwise ego and negative agendas can creep in.
Definitely #11, listen x3 is big, listen more than talk. And #18 stay focused on present might also incorporate ‘stay focused on the future’, what you both want to build that is aligned with VMV.
You may also be planting introspective seeds, so asking positive questions help all involved to look inside at how they impact outside.
Another thought provoking post, Sir, thank you!
Hi Doc,
I’ve been missing you. It feels great seeing you today. Thanks you for sharing your insights.
I hadn’t thought about dividing these ideas into preparation and execution but that makes sense. Prep is as important, perhaps more, than execution.
Always a pleasure,
Dan
Dan,
Great list of things to do to successfully disagree with your boss. I agree with the idea of bringing solutions and options to the table. This particularly effective when yor ideas capture or build on something already developed by the boss or the team.
As well keeping in mind that having a “Devil’s Advocate” who is respectful on a team can actually improve team decisions. It can be a fine line to walk that yields fantastic results. Developing the skill to disagree agreeably is critical to making this work.
Hi Dan,
I love your daily input into my personal development. Thanks. A couple of bloggers have touched on a point that I think needs to be called out in your checklist and that is ‘Why am I disagreeing?’ Do I have an agenda, an unnatural need to prove myself, a provoking level of frustration, or…? By doing a self-check first we can be sure that it is worth disagreeing and that we are doing it for the right reasons.
Thank you, Dan!! Great timing – even if it is not disagreeing with a boss, but colleague/peer.
Sue says – I completely agree with being introspective into the ‘why’ of the disagreement. I think we can miss somethings if we don’t stop for a moment to think about why!
THANKS!!
When you’re aligned to the big picture your boss is more likely to ask for your point of view.
Great post Dan! For some reason Paul Simon’s “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover” kept popping up in my head as I read through your post.
Dear Dan,
All points are superb. I like point 10 the most: listen, listen, and listen. Listening is respecting. Respect opens the heart. It is so true. Leaders listen to everyone. When you listen someone it makes others feel cared. I think expressing disagreement should be followed by relationship. Confident relationship helps effective disagreement. Without fostering relationship, even agreement becomes ineffective. So, building relationship with boss plays great role whether you agree or disagree. I believe in creating trust before disagreeing with the boss. It works. While making disagreement makes sure that at least 90 % of the cases you agree. When you disagree, it makes sense and seems real. I have experienced it. Second important thing about disagreement is about communication. You need to communicate with the boss. It means, communicate, communicate and communicate. It has magical healing effect. But the most important thing to remember is that when you disagree with the boss, boss should still feel respected. It means disagree respectfully.
I just had a great conversation with one of my colleagues on this and we agreed that “waiting” is a critical tool in disagreeing with a boss.
Many successful leaders, although open to constructive criticism, respond to disagreements best at the right time. Find that moment when they’re willing to be vulnerable and responsive, most likely when they’re not severely preoccupied.
Great post, Dan!
Highly recommend reading – ‘Fierce Leadership’ by Susan Scott.
http://www.integral.org.au/fierce-leadership-a-bold-alternative-to-the-worst-best-practices-of-business-today-by-susan-scott/
‘The conversation is the relationship, and – while no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a company, a relationship , or a life – any single conversation can.’