10 Ways to Encourage Discouraged People
Leaders who lift get further than those who push down. Performance improves when people feel encouraged and declines when they lose hope.
You don’t have to beat up high-performers – they do it to themselves – lift them instead.
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All successful leaders fill people with hope. But, the added responsibility of encouraging others may discourage you, especially if you aren’t good at it.
10 Ways to encourage others:
- Encourage in private. The more people involved the more likely they’ll feel a need to posture and protect.
- Agree with their feelings. Never minimize or correct. “Oh it’s not that bad,” is demeaning not encouraging.
- Break obstacles and challenges into bite-size pieces.
- Use questions. “Do you think you can deliver your report this afternoon.” Progress encourages.
- Remove a weight or responsibility, temporarily. Warning: some discouraged people need a new challenge.
- Explain their value. “You’re the best (fill in the blank) we have.”
- Get on their level. Avoid speaking as a superior.
- Encourage rest. “Why don’t you take a couple days off?” Lombardi said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.”
- Let them talk.
- ????
Facebook contributors say leaders who encourage:
- Give people challenging assignments and check them periodically.
- Lead by example and practice what you preach.
- Communicate clearly and follow through.
- Recognize and reward progress.
A big one:
Have you argued with a discouraged person attempting to change their feelings? It’s futile. Confrontation closes discouraged people down.
Accepting people as they are – even if you must challenged negative behaviors – allows them to open the door to your encouragements.
Prevent discouragement in the first place:
Deal with discouragement before it happens by being a positive leader.
- Spend more time affirming and less time correcting.
- Give public acknowledgement, gratitude, and praise.
- Be available.
What techniques help you encourage discouraged people?
I have found that many in leadership roles such as managers or owners often times have an arrogance that makes it hard to lift others up rather than push them down.
Yes, ego that makes people believe they are all-compitent makes leaders believe others should be that way too. Perhaps the problem of judging others through the lens of our personal strengths is one issue leaders must address.
It is a fine line between lifting people and hobbling people. Yes, we should always be encouraging, but we must also be honest with them. There is something that each of us can learn from every success we have, but we also learn from our “failures” or not-so-successful ventures. As long as they are willing to accept help, we can probably help them, or find someone who can.
We must check in with the true cause of their discouragement and address that. If it is more training, then we can accommodate that. If it is lack of understanding, we can coach that. If it is something more emotional, we can seek the appropriate assistance for them.
We must use our authentic listening skills to see what the real issue is. Then we can nuture them, and teach teach them to fly on their own.
It is an excellent idea breaking seemingly (to them) unmanageable tasks down into bite-sized pieces and then checking with them a little more often to help them keep on track.
Good post,
Martina
I’m so glad you brought up the problem of encouragement as constant hand-holding. The goal of encouragement is to not keep doing it over and over again.
A post about the dangers of encouraging people would be fun.
One reason I love blogging is comments that expand the conversation.
Great advice, Dan.
How to encourage discouraged people?
Remind them of a past success they’ve had. When we are discouraged we forget or minimize past accomplishments.
Praise progress, don’t wait for perfection.
Visualize them successful. Discouraged people sometimes will first “see” their future success through the eyes of someone they respect and admire.
Dauna Easley
Great add, Dauna.
Your last sentence applies to most of us, discouraged or not. Powerful!
Wow, Dan. One of the best I have read in awhile. I love this ! As you may know, the “E” in our CARE, is for Encourage. It is so important. Thanks for this.
“Lead by example and practice what you preach” Amen, brother !
Al
Thanks for the good word Al. Keeping C.A.R.E ing.
I find mostly and personally (like No.8) that people feel discouraged when they are weary, having worked on a matter for a long period of time and then feel deflated that they haven’t found a solution and hope appears to be dwindling ….. it is a bit like falling into a black hole and the light is getting dimmer ……..
It is then that mentally and physically we need to take a “timeout” stand back and stop thinking about it …. rather than trying to find reasons why ……
In times like this I think it is important to remember that;
1. This too will pass
2. Most likely you will have been here before in some shape or form so know that a solution will come and possibly not in the way you imagine.
3. Switch off for a while, go do something less boring instead
4. Confide in a listening ear, it is good to talk.
5. Take a sheet of paper and write out all those little things that are niggling you, then separate it into two columns, those within your control and those without …… burn the latter and sort the first, this is actually quite mentally freeing …….
6. Stick on your favourite comedy and have a great big belly laugh ….. laughter is a great medicine for us all 🙂
7. Get back in the game, your team needs you !
Thanks for your comment. I particularly enjoy your suggestion to separate things into two columns… things we control and things we don’t. Very helpful because we feel crushed when we try to control things we can’t.
Some great points, Dan. One I always try to remember is to be present, listening and sometimes providing feedback. It is one of the best affirmations we can give.
The timing of what your feedback is will be based on your relationship and what they need to hear. As Martina correctly points out, sometimes you have to be honest and share information they need to hear that may be difficult. Regardless, this can be done from the same posture that your encouragement came from…the posture of caring.
Best…Jim
Few things are more affirming than feeling understood when someone really listens.
Like you, I think Martina’s comment added important dimensions to the idea of encouragement… the foundation of successful challenge or confrontation is the abosolute conviction that it’s for the benefit of the person being approached… I keep telling myself this when its time for a tough conversation.
This is an excellent list, Dan. Removing obstacles (similar to #3) can be very encouraging too when you have the ability to do so. Thank you for sharing.
Clear stated Christian. It’s too bad that many leaders/managers are viewed as people who create rather than remove obstacles. Thank you.
An excellent list Dan. To add to it, consider “be willing and able to act.”
Very often people become discouraged when they are asked to accomplish something without being give adequate resources to accomplish it. These resources may be training, staff, capital or other key needs. It is great to encourage and listen, but be prepared to follow up words with actions. Otherwise you just may find you have compunded the probelm instead of solved it.
Thanks for adding your insights Joan.
I remember times when I wanted to succeed but the resources, support, or even permission weren’t there. It is so frustrating and that frustration frequently turns into discouragement. It always made me feel like a squirel stuck on one of those exercise wheels… working my butt off but never getting there.
Enable people to act.
Right now I am a discouraged person–and the best way to handle it is to buy me my favourite cupcakes. Seriously, though, people who are not working at their best need understanding and I think number 5 on your list is very astute.
I prefer Peanut Butter Cups!
they would do in a pinch
🙂
Dear OTHFAB – I read Dan’s post this morning and was not in a position to reply, but it has stuck with my all day, mostly as I searched for some more positive way to respond than “I am discouraged too and would really love some people in my life to read this to get a clue” (and yes they could accompany the clue with cupcakes for added impact!). It is true that #5 can be a useful strategy. I also related very closely to the one about fatigue. I have let my emotional, mental, and physical energies for my primary job suffer at the expense of other endeavorsm, some of them responsibilities and a few of them avocations; I also have a relationship with a superior for whom fatigue is an issue. It is insidious, both as the fatigued person and the individual at the receiving end of a fatigued person’s comments and attitudes. We are all adults and all face demands but I think we underplay and minimize the role of fatigue in our professional personas.
I agree with you – fatigue puts a whole different complexion on things – so the easy thing would be to realize it and get more rest – but if we could do the easy thing I am sure we would – what is an alternative?
Thanks for emphasizing this neglected area. Perhaps some fun at work would help too.
Thank you for all your support on twitter and for sharing your story.
Mainly listen and be sure to get the second part of the story. There’s always the surface where people start. But the heart of a matter is usually in the second (or third) part, if anyone listens well enough. Thanks for the article Dan.
The more I think about it the more it seems that few things are more powerful than deep listening.
Thank you for joining in and for your kind words on twitter.
I do hope we meet someday Dan. 😉 There are few people I read and follow online whom I’d like to meet in person, but you are one. And you’re one of the very few I’ve stuck with for so long too! Someday in the future, I shall value a genuine cup of coffee or tea with you. Have a wonderful weekend.
You’re very kind. I am scheduling more speaking engagements so who knows, I may end up your area. Cheers
Listen listen and listen even more to them.
If they’re waddling in the muddle, jump in with them.
Time takes care of everything.
p.s. Yesterday, on the range, I became discouraged while honing my golf swing. In fact, I looked like this blog post photo. About 90 balls into a 102 ball bucket, I found the difference I was looking for.
Thanks for adding your insights.
Your p.s. made me smile… great story for “Just keep at it”
How can I manage my difference with people?
Are you talking about conflict resolution?
People who get discouraged, generally need help with uplifting their spirit, their self esteem. There are ways to let them know that they get get past the disappointments and there are many valuable suggestions by several contributors in the comments here along with some great tips in the post.
If I can add anything, applying the law of attraction, using self talk on their behalf, using power of visualization to uplift their spirit can do wonders.
“Whale Done” could be a good book to read as well for this purpose. Thank you for this awesome post.
The whole realm of self-talk is such a valuable arena. We all have an inner critic that we must learn to deal with. Thank you for adding it along with the other insights you shared.
Great post and subsequent comments. For me it’s spending time listening to them to help diagnose the cause of how they are feeling. Too many managers ‘fix’ symptoms and wonder why nothing changes. Clear objectives / targets, robust feedback,recent incidents of out of character behaviour and a belief in the individual are all self checklists that leaders should look at before tackling the situation.
Sometimes a simple ‘thank you’ for their hard work can help.
thanks for your comment. Sometimes when I read comments I think of something else.
You made me think about the responsibility leaders have to bring out the best in others and when they aren’t reaching they’re potential to take responsibility. Perhaps that’s one of leadership’s greatest responsibilities.
Too frequently, leaders/managers blame people rather than take responsibility.
Dan, great dialogue here – obviously well timed based on the response. As has been pointed out by others today, discouragement usually stems from a lack of self-esteem, that feeling of being ill-equipped for the job (whether real or perceived) our job as leaders then is to affirm their capabilities, raise their vision, and remind that they have the full resources of the team.
I also was reminded that we as leaders may go through dark times of discouragement – having forums like yours Dan is a great place to rekindle the passion.
Thank you for your time & effort
“Our job as leaders is to affirm their capabilities, raise their vision, and remind that they have the full resources of the team.” … Now that’s a mouthful!
Thanks for the good word. Cheers
How bout three words…”quad mocha grande”.
Proactively-Maybe, morphing earlier posts this week, not just “recognize and reward success”, but “recognize and reward failure and bouncing back from failure.” If that is part of the organizational culture, it still is aligned with continuous improvement.
Reactively- many of the suggestions already posted are spot on… just connect.Timing is a major factor. It may only be, “I am sorry you are in this spot or that this happened to you, I am here if you need support, feedback, or just need to vent.
Dependent on the type/depth/duration of the relationship, might judiciously apply humor. The intent behind that would be, not only to connect, but to shift the perspective if the person appears to be stuck or wallowing. I have had close compadres come up to me and say ‘sucks to be you’ at the right time. Underneath that is, the ‘been there/done that too’ connection and the ‘this too shall pass.”
You always take me to new places.. thank you.
Your application of celebrating failure represents a powerful tool for creating positive work environments… “What did we learn? Now, go gett’em tiger.”
Enjoyed the addition of humor. I’m close enough to some people that I can do just what you say. Our burdens weigh us down but a touch of humor lightens them.
I like the irreverent humor represented by your comment.. “sucks to be you.” Those closest to us have permission to not take us too seriously.
Follow up on the celebrating failure, what did we learn, the current thought is that 90+% of the ‘failures’ are really systems failures, not people failures…although we do take them to heart.
So another reframe question may be, “I can see that you think/feel/perceive that you have failed, is this really a systems failure? I f that is the case, as a leader, then, you owe an apology to that individual for not giving them the tools to avoid that failure. Ouch!
That’s not a KaChing!.. thats a KaPow! Thanks Doc. Great point.
Facilitating them to recall their past where they were winners , exhibited their strength. Visualisation technique, helping them to see with newer perspectives can help them to regain strength and self motivation.
Great post.
V S kumar
INDIA
“Tell me a story when you had great success.” Or, “I remember when you ….. ” What a great way to encourage someone. Thanks
Great post Dan! I really enjoyed the lists, especially “Get on their level”. Many of us can really work on improving that one, myself included 🙂
Humility may be one of leaderships great challenges. Thanks for joining in.
So true Dan! My pleasure, great post!
Perhaps the issue quote : ‘ encourage in private ‘ may actually be more difficult than portrayed here.
Not all individuals will have enough confidence to speak to them in private. Depending on your state of familiarity – one may or may not be able to.
If the person is a close one, then this should pose no problem.
People may be more or less resilient, depending on a multitude of personal factors.
It may be easy to generalize – in practice the issue of re-encouragement is always a mixture of individually different measures.
Thanks for expanding this topic with your insights.
Reblogged this on For your mind & future only and commented:
What techniques help you encourage discouraged people?
Thanks for this post- the importance of listening can’t be overstated especially for those of us whose job with clients is to listen. Team members need to be heard as well.
So true. Talking without listening is meaningless.
Thank you very much. This was a very insightful read. I think I’m going to tweak some of your advice and use it on myself coz I’ve been feeling a bit discouraged lately. This blog post really helped me. Thanks again! 🙂
you are not an leader that you put people down
Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping him up. ~Jesse Jackson
Having been the high flying IT executive perfectionist and suffered a severe nerological illness, and who now struggles with a mostly administrative postion and now makes lots of mistakes: the number of people who want to tell me it’s not that bad….how do they know? Luckily I have as many encouraging people around me as discouraging – it’s just letting them in that is the hard part.
Thanks for your post Dan, its given me some encouragement just when I needed it.
I am very enlightened by your post. However my career situation is a blah that is the beat way I could describe it. They always say “You are the best for this job” so much that it does not affect me anymore.
You have choices, always. If you don’t like it, maybe it’s time to find somewhere you do like…
I wonder if a new challenge or opportunity might be helpful?
Three things to add.
1. Be trustworthy. (Do what you say you will. Follow through. Be sincere. Keep what you say private).
2. Spend the right amount of time with them (be sensitive to ‘right amount’).
3. Find and acknowledge authentic successes privately or publicly (some don’t like ‘publicly’).
Martin
I always appreciate it when contributors add to the conversation.
We can’t say enough about keeping private things private… thank you
This has been a great conversation. We all get discouraged from time to time. One of my biggest challenges is not letting someone elses attitude affect mine. Discouraged co-workers can sometimes drag me in. Sometimes we have to step back and ask ourselves is this mine or theirs?
This is actually encouraging and really educating. Thanks for putting it up. My discouragement has been my inability to access funds to produce the musical album of my dreams and as well shoot the video.
Very good points to be reminded of.
Put it under the awareness category.
Also leads you to where pruning needs to take place.
thank you for your encouragment am so proud of that.
Dan,
I love you humor – let the over-achiever beat himself. It is very true. I also like your suggestion in point 2 where you mention the concept of encouragement. I recently attended a leadership seminar where this very issue was discussed and labeled as sympathy – minimizing hurt by painting a silver lining in everything which is the polar opposite of empathy.
http://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw
Michael