How to Have Life Changing Conversations
Your job is bringing out the best in others by the way you interact with them. Well timed, well executed conversation change people’s lives.
First:
Determine and affirm aspirations and goals. Never have conversations about an individual’s life, strengths, weaknesses, or potential until you understand their hopes and dreams.
People open their hearts to people
who understand their hearts.
Second:
Explore strengths and weaknesses in the context of aspirations.
Ask:
- What strengths propel you toward fulfilling your dream?
- What weaknesses hinder progress?
- Which strengths are most useful to taking the next step?
- Which weaknesses are most detrimental to forward movement?
Tip:
If you’re addressing weaknesses, try two questions at once. “What behaviors and qualities will enhance your progress and what qualities and behaviors will hinder your success?” Address negatives in the context of positives.
Affirm strengths by explaining practical benefit and positive potential. Address weakness by exploring how they hinder aspirations.
Third:
Address negatives without being a downer?
Use positive qualities as foundations to discuss behaviors that need improvement. For example, if you’re having conversations with a goal oriented person. Open the “you need improvement” part of the conversation by asking, “A goal oriented person may walk on others, how might that be true of you?”
Fourth:
Craft strategies with them not for them.
After they identify strengths and weaknesses, craft strategies that better move them forward with them. You may feel you know the best answer but they must find their own. Embrace their journey.
Fifth:
Focus more on positives than negatives. If you bring something up that creates frustration or anger, pull back. But, know that anger indicates it matters. Touch the topic at another time. They just aren’t ready to deal with it yet.
How do you have conversations that move people forward?
What types of conversations haven’t worked for you in the past?
what if their negative makes me mad ?
🙂 Use anger to motivate positive action…???
I also think it’s interesting to consider which of their strengths will not be particularly helpful in the new pursuit… if they have really relied on that for their success, it may need to be spun and used in a different way, or not be that vital.
Love how you bring a different angle on strengths. How might the strengths you’ve used in the past hinder forward movement? hmmmm
This is a great point. The ability to work “independently” may be a strength in some circumstances and a weakness where collaborative / team effort is required.
Dear Dan,
Making conversations on aspiration, dreams and hopes are great concepts. At the same time, discussing on weaknesses in positive context is even better. I think during the conversation two things matter most- source and exemplary accomplishment. It means source should be able to influence the target by his or her reliability or personality. Secondly source should reflect his or her accomplishment. In absence of these, I think conversation may not create impact. So, Co-creation of dreams, strategy and hopes are needed. You are right that one should not craft strategy for others, but with others.
I have conversations with people by showing my curiosity and appreciating other effort. I encourage and reflect some example that actually support others effort and dream. And I reveal my interest to help in case of need. Conversation that does not work is generally based on self focused, self boasting and criticizing in nature. Hence, to make conversation successful, one should start and focus on others success, achievement, effort and goals.
Thanks for adding collaboration and curiosity to this topic. I think they go together. It’s hard to collaborate without curiosity.
Ajay’s last paragraph is powerful: the focus of a leader should be on others.
In addition to all of the above, I would add that a leader should care about those he/she leads and their well-being at all times, and know them as well as is possible without crossing the personal/company familiarity barrier. The time to focus on others is not at review time, but all of the time. When the leader knows the follower, and the follower knows enough of the leader to trust him/her, then deeper conversations can occur.
Reviews are normally formal, and take place at fixed times. The most effective crucial conversations take place when the time is right. As leaders we must make time for those we lead, not treat them as accessories to organizational goals.
The time to focus on others is not review time, but all the time. Kapow!
In a business context, I’ve always encouraged the performance outcomes at review should never be a surprise – to either side
Another great post Dan. To really help others is to facilitate and become part of a conversation they are having with themselves.
Leaders are not there to show the way. Rather they help others to find the way for themselves – leaders develop leaders.
Also, a conversation is not a one time event. It can be an ongoing thread that extends over a period of time. It will evolve as more information is shared and as more information becomes available.
Follow up and follow through are as important as the original conversation itself.
I like this post very much but am trying to apply it to a business setting. These are exactly the conversations that can propel people to greater achievement personally, but they also need to be aligned with business goals and objectives. That part of the Leadership paradigm needs to also be considered here. Just helping people excel may be a great objective, but without considering the external context, it may result in an overall failure.
When someone has paved the way with positive comments, noticing strenghts over a period of time, it makes it easier for anyone to listen to a suggested change/improvement. A positive rapport improves our hearing. It doesn’t feel like an attack.
AND
Two-on-one conversations never work. As soon as you out number someone, it feels like an attack. It becomes fight or flight. If they can’t run, they’ll fight or shut completely down.
Coming from a life coach perspective: brilliant post.
Dan, you nailed it. A basketball coach knows the team can’t win unless the players do. So he coaches them. Business leaders don’t always think like that, believing that as long as they and the company win, everything’s OK. But that’s not leadership and that’s not what builds sustainable success and game-changing innovation and execution.
How about looking at it this way…strengths are the platform on which we build the changes we want to see. And, it’s only human to start worrying about the weaknesses in greater detail than the strengths. So, instead dwell in as much detail as you can about the strengths. Ask yourself how those strengths are useful to the people you serve and who serve you. Then, still ignoring the weaknesses, summarize the strengths as your elevator speech.
Now, briefly list the weaknesses and put them aside. Ask yourself what the future will look like when the weaknesses have diminished (they never truly go away) and things are working even better than they were before. Describe that in detail.
Finally, give yourself a few small steps to get started. More on this model http://tiny.cc/5zikh
Hi Dan, great post! Very interesting perspective on how to address the negatives. It is often very difficult to bring up weaknesses in a conversation. Thanks for sharing.
One of my greatest leadership challenges is how to hold someone accountable without being negative. Accountability seems to lose it’s value if there’s no consequence.
What if they don’t know what their ‘hopes and dreams’ are?
They might consider exploring where their strengths, passions, and aptitudes might take them.
Pursuing something is better than pursuing nothing