Popping the Self-Delusion Bubble
The trouble with illusion is delusion.
I woke up this morning disturbed at the subtlety of self-delusion.
Deluded leaders believe they’re…
- Supportive but demanding, instead.
- Humble but in reality, arrogant.
- Listening when they’re talking.
- Able to do everything “right” while others fall short.
- Informed when they don’t know.
Deluded leaders falsely believe intentions automatically translate into behaviors. You intend to be supportive so you must be supportive, right?
Deluded leaders believe they’ve mastered the things they tell others to do. Consider the pursuit of excellence, for example. Are you always improving the work of others but not your own?
On excellence
How do you respond to:
- Suggestions about your behavior?
- Criticism about the way you handle tough conversations?
- Improvements suggested by underlings that impact you personally?
Excellence is the gradual result of always striving for better. Can you name one thing you’re striving to improve in your leadership? Can you name three things you’re doing to improve it? Do those under you know and participate? Or, are you deceived by intention.
You pursue excellence for others but not for yourself. The discomfort others feel in telling you the truth says you aren’t approachable. When was the last time you invited someone to speak into your frailties?
Get real
Leaders serve.
You’re not special, better than, or more important. Thinking you are deludes you.
- Conform to them rather than demanding they conform to you.
- Focus on them; stop expecting them to focus on you.
- Their success is your success.
- Fuel their passions not yours.
- Serve them; they don’t serve you.
Leaders who don’t serve rely on authority and coercion. They pressure rather than enable. Saying and telling aren’t serving.
I don’t know how you feel. But, I feel better. I needed that reminder and I bet you did, too.
How can leaders address the self-delusion issue?
Leadership is a tricky combo pack. We need to have enough confidence to make tough choices and brave enough to take risks, but at the same time… have the humility to know we are not “special” and that our job is to serve. It is never fully handled.
Thank you Karin… it’s always a journey we never master but always participate in.
Karin, you said it just the way I thought it.
Great points on leadership there. In order to be a great leader one must have a healthy ego, but a healthy ego feels threatened by criticism. Finding a balance is difficult, but a good dose of humility helps. As Karin above says: “It is never fully handled.”
Thanks Stuartart. Glad you dropped in.
Maybe we need enough ego to give us the confidence to serve rather than demand everyone serve us?
Oh yes, and that’s where finding the balance is hard, but try we must. 🙂
I like the word “frailty”. It’s a word imbued with vulnerability and humanity. It’s an appropriate word to use for anyone asking for important feedback and criticism. Paradoxically, frailty is a leader’s strength: to be courageously vulnerable.
Thanks Caissie. I’ve been using frailty for years now. I find it invites people in. The only ones who don’t like it are those who think they don’t have any. 🙂
You have proposed excellent questions. The role of leader to team mate is should be a symbiotic relationship. Generrally speaking, i agree with you. I disagree witih some of your comments. Your GET REAL comment #1 could be misinterpreted. Part of the role of Leadership is that of Coach and mentor. The Coach is not typically competiting in the event. S/he is guiding, advising, observing, correcting, suggesting and setting reasonable standards for excellence based on DATA. If a leaders fails to set standards of excellent or keep agreements to teammates, s/he has failed to deserve team member trust.
Thank you Blake. Perhaps the trouble is setting standards of excellence is viewed as an act of authority rather than service and/or collaboration. I find those who know I serve them don’t mind it when I push them. They know I’m doing it for the best of the organization and their best, too. Cheers!
We must see ourselves from perspectives beyond (just) our own, that is challenging!
Thank you Ken. That’s where bringing the outside in seems essential. Best!
Wow, I needed to read that this morning! Great reminder. Thank you.
I needed to write it. 🙂 Thanks
Good morning Dan!
I call them HUMAN and as disturbing us it seems they like me are still a work in progress! Something I read in the best book ever written once(what is it, ask me) says something about easing up on other people when you get to full of yourself. Ok I know, everyone has their favorite, so the best book ever written according to me! Would be really nice if everyone would lead in with their opinions that way, huh? How to pop their illusion their opinion is “the” opinion? That is a question!
Says something like this, “there is some of the best in the worst of us and the worst in the best of us”. Respect!
Guiding, leading, encouraging, cajoling, following, pull, shove, drag, beg, demand, ask…..still just a work in progress. UGH!
Reminded me of the story of an interesting flight! Pilot over the loudspeaker! “Folks, we got good news and bad. Want good or bad first”? Poll taken, bad news first won!
“Ok the bad news is we are lost, good news, we are making excellant time”!!!!!!!! And so it goes!
Great Topic again Dan! My mind is swirling, got a lot to do today so getting the mind engaged this morning is very important!
Thanks, Scott ps here is what I try to do, be the boss I would like to work for, yeah that is the ticket!
Thank you Scott.
To continue with the flight metaphor. I’ll be disappointed if you ever land. 🙂 Seriously, thanks for contributing.
That last line is the kicker to me. Cheers!
Dan – good stuff as usual. I’ve found that any type of person tends to hang out with others that think and act like they do. So, deluded individuals may spend time and chat with others that see the world as they do. This can lead to an echo chamber, as everyone in this club reinforces the behavior. Everyone is likely delusional at some level. But your call to action – service – is a nice way to exit the echo chamber and to focus on those that need you.
Thanks Anthony. Love how you point out one source of self-delusion…talking and hanging with people who reflect us … powerful. It takes intentional action to hang with those who are “different.”
Great article on leadership and how to lead.
Thank you Lorri.
Excellent post. This brings to mind a question: Who should be telling you that you are off track, out of whack, or need to do better? Your “boss” or your “reports”?
Thank you Brian. Great question. Probably the answer is yes. 🙂
the other option I left off, was “yourself”…it was obv. 🙂
Yup…you might add customers, colleagues, friends and family, too
Glad to see how our thoughts are aligned. This seems to be a more visible out working of Espoused Theories vs. Theories-in-Use (although I prefer Professed Behavior vs. Practiced Behavior – http://wp.me/p2k440-2D) that we all suffer from. It would be so nice to be able to train this out of us before we rise too high in levels of power and influence.
Sorry, link is actually http://wp.me/p2k440-5n
To quote one of my favorite Scotsmen…
The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.
R. D. Laing
Richard
KaPow! Thanks Richard.
Lots of wisdom here! (It’s also interesting to note that one person’s arrogance is another’s confidence, etc. Perceptions are varied.) I think the key is to surround yourself with people who will tell you the truth, who understand your values, and who will pull you aside and tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear. Those people can be direct reports or in your own company, your family, your friends and even some good customers. If you invest in others, they will invest back in you.
Thank you Skip. Always a pleasure when you drop in.
Your inclusion of values in this discussion is paramount. People who don’t share our values tell truths that are often less relevant and applicable than those who do.
The other side of that coin is people who don’t share our values may have perspectives we need to hear because we don’t see what they see. hmmm
Cheers…
Dan,
I work with small business owners here in Trinidad and Tobago. Usually when I’m contacted it’s about “fixing/helping/improving the performance of employees.” I absolutely agree with you. Leaders SHOW the way. What are YOU doing in all the areas that you require improvement in your staff? When the leadership mindset is from an “I’m serving” one then you’re able to get better results. There’s a book called ‘Fearless Leadership’ How to overcome behavioral blind spots and transform your organization by Loretta Malandro, Ph.D. that addresses this very issue. It is based on a simple concept” In order to change your organization, you must be willing to alter your behavior and help others choose to change their behavior. The means demanding 100% accountability from yourself FIRST and your people.
Thank you for fleshing out this issue and being a catalyst for further thought development.
Giselle
Thank you Giselle. I started thinking, “Be the change” as I read your comment. I also squirmed a bit because it’s so much easier to expect things from others and let ourselves off the hook.
Thanks for suggesting an added resource.
Cheers
Connected with the self-deluded leaders misperceiving thought (internal and external) automatically becomes action and yet, also misperceive the amount of time, energy and resources needed to convert that thought into ‘engaged’ action. Those wonderful ideas, thoughts and paradigm shifts require a process and commitment. I think therefore I am may not be so true in some environs. 😉
Thanks for your contribution… Oh Yeah…thinking is easy. Doing takes energy, often more than we expect. Great add
Didn’t mean to come anonymously Dan…I was deluded into thinking the computer knew who I was… 😉
Hi Dan,
Another excellent post thank you.
I have been coaching executives within a client’s organisation for the past year. As you would expect, some were more receptive than others.
For those who were less receptive, I could have done with your phrase “Excellence is the gradual result of always striving for better. Can you name one thing you’re striving to improve in your leadership? Can you name three things you’re doing to improve it? Do those under you know and participate?”
Outstanding!
Many leaders say they want to improve, but what are they actually (in italics) doing!
For those who were more receptive, we worked up a personal development plan (PDP) of simple practical things they could do to develop their habits and behaviours (good behaviours often develop from good habits, so get them doing good things often enough……..).
The really receptive ones also let me conduct a “360” around their leadership behaviours, then incorporated some of the feedback into their PDP.
Very best wishes to you and your followers for 2013.
Thank you Stephen. I appreciate your experience. Sadly, many leaders prefer NOT TO KNOW. … Perhaps the fact that they are asking others to do things they aren’t doing themselves, makes them feel they know more than they actually know. This topic just keeps on giving.. 🙂
Leaders can address the delusion issue by simply listening to what is being said rather than choosing what you want to hear. Ego feeds selective listening while a visionary leader patiently listens and learns from those who really care and are passionate about fulfilling the vision.
Dear Dan,
Self delusion concept is prevalent and perhaps deep rooted in leadership practices. And it is one of the critical component to decide leadership and effectiveness. I agree with you that leadership is a journey and we should try to improve. That is the path to excellence. During my journey, I tried to improve many things during various phases. At present, I am striving to improve my relationship and networking with people who can inspire, appreciate and understand my research and ideas. I am also striving to take multi perspective suggestions from my friends across sectors. And this really helps me. And yes, I do believe that I may deceived by my intention. Actually, intention starts with spark in the mind, it takes various form depending upon my will power, need and inner urge to achieve it. I also believe that many time we are not aware about our intention. And urge turn intention into passion or obsession. This reveals when others express their feelings about it or we evaluate the impact of our intention.
However, I strongly believe that our character has great role to play in shaping our intention. Honesty and acceptance are perhaps the most important that shape our intention and determines success or failure.
Ouch !! That hurt. I’m keeping this somewhere close as a regular reminder.
Thanks Dan just what I needed to hear! I’ve been somewhat guilty of this in the past now I’m working at keeping the balance. f
Another great post. This one, I’ve printed and put in a file I use during summer camp to create a weekly newsletter for supervisors. This one will be in there this summer for sure.
It reminds me that I struggle with this. I used to imagine myself as the leader I wanted to be “one day” when I got to be the “big boss”. It took me a couple years to realize waiting was stupid. I had to act as if then was now. I started shifting myself to be the leader I pictured myself as….and I quickly became “the big boss”.
Thank you Eric. And congrats on living in your future rather than your past!
Good article. I am a firm believer that a leader should be the most overworked and under appreciated person in an organization. His role is a silent administrator to help his team succeed. I follow the old school style of leadership I guess.
Great observations, indeed.
Being an old guy (and very old school), I’ve distilled this assessment down over the years:
There are essentially three fundamental types of leaders, owners, bosses etc. and the overall qualities they possess.
1) The Positive Standard – One who knows what they want and what they don’t want. It’s an absolute pleasure to work with someone like this.
2) The Negative Standard – One who knows what they don’t want, but doesn’t know what they want. It’s very frustrating to work with someone with this approach. Can you guess why?
3) The Absence of Standard – The individual who doesn’t have a clue to what they want nor what they don’t want. It makes you wonder how this person is even able to climb out of bed in the morning. This person (and there are more of these people than you’d think) should be avoided.
I ask myself regularly, “Which one of these individuals am I?”.
Thank you for chiming in Martin. Love your three categories. I’ve often found myself bopping around in #2. You can take that literally. 🙂 … pretty hard to move forward when all you have are things you don’t like. Cheers.
Leaders can address self-delusion by paying attention to what subordinates, peers and other leaders ‘say’ and how they ‘respond’ to your behavior. People perception is their reality and we are all different in our own way. Therefore leaders must know that when you are leading people it’s not about you, but the other person. Leaders must recognize their values, interest and perceived purpose and support those attributes. In recognizing those attributes, it may require a leader to do mentoring, coaching, educating, observing, correcting, goal setting or any other technique that is used to meet their need. By the way, Leaders are different because what is expected requires the complexity to change and grow consistently and at the same time. As I quote Charles Jenkins, “Leadership is much more an art, a belief, a condition of the heart, than a set of things to do.”
Thanks for a powerful contribution, Charles. I find leaders listen to the words others say about them but don’t believe them… 🙂 As you say, believe it. Even if they’re wrong, they’re right, because you aren’t coming across the way you think. 🙂
Great stuff, glad a colleague forwarded the link. Too few ‘leaders’ seem to know the lyric that goes through my head every day: “You who choose to lead must follow/But if you fall you fall alone.”
Thanks for the good word, Tim. Best wishes!
In terms of intention- I try to look at whether my own actions or those of others are operating from fear or love- in other words, a primal or higher place in myself/themselves. I ask if I am seeking the highest and the best from the situation- or if I can assist others in doing the same. The phrase “It’s business” has always struck a sour chord with me- as though it is a free pass to behave poorly or unethically. I appreciate the comments above- thank you for the insight and words of wisdom. I have posted the article for my class.
I find profoundly disturbing that your so accurately describe the senior management at my company. I feel that you must actually be one of my co-workers. Well played “Dan Rockwell”.
Beginning of wisdom……
It’s not about I. It’s all about we or them.
So true! I see these self-delusional zombies almost everyday.
Like this article!
Indeed, but as you asked, what do you say to them? Do you call them out or choose to remain quiet?
If you remain quiet, what do you do? Lose your motivation or strive to lead by example?
Some of these answers may seem obvious when you read them, but when taking into account the day-to-day difficulties it becomes blurred.
It is difficult, but not unachievable, to find the balance between ego and humility. Due to the fat that we are in the driver’s seat, we need to work on that daily. In all honesty, I would say that I could use some work in the humility department – but I’ll also give myself credit in that I am aware of it, owning it addressing it.