Public Disclosure of Private Struggle
Struggle begins with your first gasp for breath and ends with your last. Leaders struggle.
Wise leaders expose struggle wisely.
Leaders struggle with:
- Loneliness.
- Humility.
- Certainty.
- Image.
- Patience.
- Serving and self-interest.
- Authenticity and honesty.
- Purpose and meaning.
- Balance.
- Decisions.
- Priorities.
- Pushing performance or supporting progress.
(That was one of the easiest lists I ever wrote.)
Go further by learning the art of the struggle rather than ignoring it.
Hiding struggle intensifies struggle.
I talked with the author of, “Leadership and the Art of the Struggle,” about:
Public vs. private disclosure.
Always:
Snyder said, “Always consider the group’s reaction to publicly disclosing struggle.”
Publicly disclose what serves, nothing more. Keep self-serving, self-affirming disclosure private. Public disclosure must enhance:
- Individual relationships.
- Organizational objectives.
- Leadership effectiveness.
- Conflict resolution.
- Leadership development.
If this sounds inauthentic, too bad. Leadership positions aren’t for self-validation.
Outsider:
“Everyone needs someone they can be completely honest with.” Steven Snyder
Outside eyes guide public disclosure. Practice public disclosure privately.
Share your struggle with a mentor or coach and ask for their response. Their eyes expose anger or guilt, expand perspective, and anticipate reactions.
Progress:
Every disclosure of struggle must include illustrations of progress. Explain how you’re growing. Snyder said, “Don’t share struggles that are raw.” Share fresh struggle privately.
Growth:
Snyder said, “Sharing the struggle is the beginning of leadership growth.”
Leaders don’t grow until they disclose either privately or publicly.
Successful disclosure facilitates their growth, too. I often share my struggle where growth and development are the focus. Your struggle gives others permission and courage to grow.
Purchase: “Leadership and the Art of the Struggle: How Great Leaders Grow through Challenge and Adversity.”
What does leadership struggle look like, from your point of view?
How can public disclosure go wrong or right?
When you have sincere and dedicate people with you and you struggle then you lead to success.
Thank you Muhammad. Nicely said.
Hi Dan,
When I am struggling with anything, that means that I am introducing unneeded resistance into the process. I used to coach my children—starting when they were first using FisherPrice fit-this-into-that toys—that if you have to force it, there’s probably a better way, a new way to think of it, a different angle, etc.
So, before I share struggle, I like to ask, “What am *I* thinking or believing or doing that is making this so difficult?”
Once I get to the place where I can share the [former] struggle as a challenge/opportunity—that *I* am seeing it that way—I can invite another in as a collaborator in “solutioning” further. 🙂
As far as authenticity? I agree with your approach there, and in my view, true authenticity considers the nature/demands of the relationship at hand. In other words, in the context of this relationship, what is appropriate to share, in a very real way?
Best,
Mark
Mark,
You put into word exactly what I aspire to do, although I miss the mark sometimes: “What am *I* thinking or believing or doing that is making this so difficult.” It’s a revealing question.
And as Dan suggested, having a “safe terminal”, someone you can confide in to help sort the struggle out, is helpful, too.
Lynn Marie
Thank you Lynn… I saw your other post and immediately recognized something shared in our approaches. 🙂
Thank you Mark.
Love your approach. Resistance illustrates beliefs.
I’ve found a trusted friends and my coach help me work through resistance. It starts with being completely honest about my anger, frustration, disappointment, or hurt. Once I get completely honest, forward steps begin to emerge.
Always a pleasure.
Dan,
So glad you called out that starting point of honesty… so important to start where we are, and not try leap to a solution… we so often get there quicker with small steps. 😉
The pleasure’s mine.
Dear Dan,
I appreciate the concept of struggle. However, I wonder whether publicly disclosing or hiding struggle intensifies struggle or not. I feel it depends on target. Disclosing, struggle with someone who does not believe in your potential, or does not feel good could be counter productive. Similarly hiding struggle with someone who is interested in your development and believe in you, may not be good. I think, disclosing and hiding struggle depends upon who is the person you are going to disclose, what you are going to disclose or what possible consequences on disclosure. Sometimes, there are many things that do not need disclosure. For example, if some one has done something wrong knowingly or unknowingly in the process of struggle, I do not think disclosing will create positive impact.
I also believe that most of the people struggle in some way. And disclosing struggle that people around could feel it, connect it and see it will bring more impact and intensity to struggle. Struggle is integral part of life. And I always embrace struggle. Those who try to escape from struggle itself become struggle for others. And those who love struggle, enjoy beauty of life, reap the fruit of relationship and honor. Struggle provide lessons, direction and strategy to achieve goal.
Hi Ajay,
I found myself completely agreeing with you in the beginning of your post, then came the end of your post… there I would ask for more clarity from you, as far as your mental model of struggle. I will throw out my mental model as a starting point.
Inherent in the word “struggle” for me, is “limited or no progress.” In other words, I’m trying to push, pull, twist, cover, open, grow something… and I’m NOT getting ANYWHERE.
Now, while I love challenges and diversity and the contrast of life, and would agree with you that those who do, enjoy a growth mindset and more overall happiness—but—personally, I do NOT enjoy STRUGGLE of the kind described in my mental model in the previous paragraph. 🙂
Am I making sense?
So I would want to transition “struggle” to challenge/growth opportunity/transformational opportunity, and then move forward.
Sorry for the typo… need to delete “—but—” above, and replace with comma… 🙂
Dear Mark,
Yes, I agree with you partially. Your insight makes sense. You see ” struggle” is not continuous process. And you also do not enjoy struggle. For me, the meaning could be different. The person who has struggled to get bread and butter will enjoy getting bread and butter. But can we say that his struggle is over. But we can say that struggle has changed its shape. Now the person will struggle for something else, could be higher order needs. The important thing to note that we need to understand our “Definition” of struggle and that makes things more clear. Let us take another example. After publishing your book, will your struggle end? We can say ” yes” but there will be struggle for something else. And the more important thing is that enjoyment derived out of struggle depends upon the intensity of your need. Here, we can take the example of motivation theory of valence. Basic theory of motivation clearly makes the difference between various kind of needs. It says that human being can never be satisfied. Now we can argue on satisfaction and struggle.
However, the person struggling to get something may get satisfied and take enjoyment after getting what he wanted. And he keeps on enjoying the achievement, but it is very natural that later on he will develop or environment will influence him to struggle or want something more.
My point is that I appreciate your concept but I also believe that we need to create clear demarcation and boundary of struggle. What do we mean by struggle? Whether struggle is something that ends after some times or prevents enjoyment?
Anyway, I loved your definition of “Struggle” in the context where you focus.
Thank you Ajay.
Love that you added the attitude of those around us.
When I struggle to meet a goal that others share, for example, I can see benefit in sharing as long as we are committed to help each other succeed.
I can see where sharing struggle with backstabbers would be very harmful.
Best
Hi Ajay,
We agree on the cycle of perception, desire for improvement, intent to realize the improvement, getting the improvement, evaluating the improvement, and wanting more. In fact, I made a model of it here, that I will include in my book: http://www.successwaypoint.com/SubPages/DesireEnginePreface.html
It is called the Desire Engine.
I also agree with you that desires are very different, depending on where you are in Maslow’s Hierarchy.
Where we differ, (I am making an educated guess), is that it is my belief that struggle is more a matter of ATTITUDE, than condition.
Witness Viktor Frankl’s experience (to point to an extreme) in the concentration camps.
In other words, regardless of our physical or emotional desire, or the nature of the problem at hand, it is generally we who retain our freedom of: attitude, thought-stream, self-talk, approach.
Thus my comment that when I am feeling struggle, it is my signal that there is a different way of thinking about the challenge at hand.
Am I still transformed by the experience of changing, creating, innovating, challenging myself to achieve a desire? Yes! But I am not BOUND by this experience, so that I must struggle against it.
I can some up the feeling like this: If I am a warrior willingly challenging my dragons (homage to Joseph Campbell), that is very different than struggling against the binding of chains of my own forging. 😉
Oh, Ajay, one more thing… I share your appreciation for what life’s contrasts and challenges bring in the way of transformation and that the the acceptance and even appreciation of the nature of life in that way assists us in making the most of our challenges.
Yes, I absolutely agree with you. Moreover, I appreciate your curiosity, will power and bouncing back capability. It is ingrained in a warrior.
Leadership struggle looks the same to me as human struggle, from my point of view. We are all just a-strugglin!!!!!!! That is ok cause it means we are not alone, unique, but not alone.
The 12 Step Philosophy suggests a sponsor, wise and loving counsel. You run most by this person. Then there is a 4th Step where you write it ALL down. The 5th Step is you unload all of what you wrote down to another person. You set up a time and get this done maybe with a person you will never see again.
The point is to unburden yourself. Resentment is our number one offender, bar none. It keeps us in the past, resensing over and over a blunder we have made in the past. Or fantasizing about the future which is not here yet and might not be and WON’t be for all of us, only the timetable of our expiration is unknown.
The point is the best reason on a conscious level to clear out the wreckage of the past is to be present in the here and now. THAT is where everything is really happening. Can’t do that while regretting the past or daydreaming about what lies ahead!
Having a Sponsor to run things by connects us to humanity and this Elder Statesman or Woman is probably smarter and more experienced. Your best thinking got you to where you needed some wise and loving counsel so best to listen to them.
We need each other and when you get straightened out to a point, right(hehe) then just be available to give back what was so freely given to you.
Any questions…..the Greatest Book ever written about human realtions on the internet, free and available to all. AA Big Book. First 164 pages precisely what the first 100 drunks did to recover from a terminal disease. Now is the work problem, personnel, leadership issue a terminal disease for ya? Probably not, just annoying as all get out! So getting help from this source should be able to help you no problem!
Helped me, think it will help you.
SP OUT!
Thank you Scott.
Thanks for zeroing in on the sponsor concept. I have two people in my life that I let it all out with. I vent…I say things I’d never say to anyone else. Sometimes it takes a day or so to understand the struggle…
Very helpful.
Thanks Dan, Don’t thank me for goodness sakes!!!!!!!! Thank Bill Wilson, Dr Bob and the first 100!
With my egomania/insercurity complex sincere compliments send me all over the place. Starts a vigorous conversation, “of course he said THAT about YOU, then he really didn’t mean it he was just being nice”! Back and forth, back and forth……I won’t be able to get anything else done today….back and forth, back and forth…..talk about STRUGGLE!!!!!!!!!!
Once you get how that goes you can clearly what a miracle I have not self medicated this condition for almost 29 years.
One thing I am really looking forward to is one person here reading those first 164 pages JUST to see what the heck I am talking about…….folks here read all the time, why not one reading this? Then say to themselves…..I think I see what he is talking about!!!!!!!!!!!! It really is about human beings, not drunks! I can apply this to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks.
SP
Dan,
I am reading Leadership and the Art of the Struggle – it’s a very good read and exposes the hidden underbelly of leadership – ALL leaders struggle, but few admit it. Some resist it, not seeing the amazing potential for growth through struggle.
One point that you highlight from the author Steven Snyder is very key – that when in the midst of the struggle (“raw”) it may be best for a leader to share that privately. I personally find that the meaning of the struggle and the lessons learned come well after the “walk through the fire.”
Is it inauthentic to be aware of your audience? As leaders, we are very much on display. Nothing we say or do goes unremarked. So taking care of Individual relationships, organizational objectives, leadership effectiveness, conflict resolution and leadership development (to repeat only what’s on your list) remains purposeful.
Thank you Lynn.
KaPow…very useful advice.
This is amazing: in my men’s group this morning, we discussed the community we share through our faith. Without community, it’s so difficult to face struggle. We feel alone and react in ways that make us all the more– alone!
The appropriate response is to create community, whether with one person or a small group, and fall into it with our struggles, finding co-laborers or just sympathetic/empathetic ears.
Thank you Justin.
Another great contribution. Bill George wrote the intro to “Leadership and the Art of the Struggle.” Bill started “True North Groups.” Steven participates.
Few things are more freeing and energizing that a small group of people dedicated to support each others journey.
So glad you added this.
It is definitely necessary to share your struggles with someone you trust and with whom you can be candid about the reality of your struggles and how to best deal with them. Having a mentor to guide you through struggles is a crucial step towards improvement and growth. The problem arises when that special mentor with whom you can have a relationship based on trust is not available. Can effective leaders self-reflect and deal with their own struggles? Perhaps, when we acknowledge our own struggles we recognize our humanity- that we all have weaknesses that need to be addressed. I believe that important that we’re able to disclose our struggles openly even to ourselves; only then can we be capable of learning and growth.
Thank you Tagrid.
Great contribution. Several things swirled in my head while I read.
The problem of co-dependency was at the top of the list. You solve that with learning to embrace struggle on our own – to own our humanity.
Great point.
Makes me think of Kouzes and Posner’s definition of leadership as “the art of mobilizing others to want to struggle for shared aspirations.” Acknowledging that struggle is a necessary part of achieving goals, achieving greatness even, makes struggle for the team feel not like failure but part of the journey. And although I love that entire definition, I always say that the crux of the matter is “to want to.” That commitment is everything!
Thanks for bringing Kouzes and Posner to the mix. Two of my favorite leadership authors and great people, too.
I wonder if the want to might be fueled by the belief that progress is possible and that progress is the goal.
At my organization, some of the managers are very transparent with the struggles and problems. I think that makes them more relatable. They speak as a team; their struggles are our struggles and vice versa. The ones that don’t disclose this don’t seem as relatable or trustworthy.
I have a good friend who is a recovered drug addict. He is a Christian, and attributes his recovery to Christ and his church. Within 30 seconds of meeting him, he will begin to share his story, and it comes so naturally with sincerity. But sometimes it backfires on him. His message of “you have to have the ‘want to’ to want to” get through it makes him sound, sometimes, condescending. Sharing our struggles is important, but it needs to be done with sincerity, and when appropriate, some down home bona fide repentance.
A lot of useful material here. I think a trusted network of people who understand your position and your business can be a very valuable group to share a struggle with. I certainly agree with Mark’s comment that you should first see if there is a better way forward than force when faced with struggle. Rather than just sharing the struggle, I try to share potential approaches to the challenge with my network. Invariably someone has either “been there, done that” and found a solution or they can help me steer clear of the wall I am about to blindly barrel into. Many times, there are other positives as well, for example when others recognize solutions to struggles they are facing when I pitch my approaches. When the sharing becomes a two-way street with a trusted group, it strengthens the network and helps give us confidence to face our own struggles as well as to take on even greater challenges. Stay safe, Paul