The Secret and Power of Listening
Leaders often rise to leadership because they’re great talkers. Now it’s in the way.
You can’t connect, communicate or influence without listening. Bad bosses talk. Successful leaders listen.
Stop talking about listening.
Ouch:
I still remember the day I asked my wife if I was a good listener.
What’s worse than being told you aren’t good at something you think you’re great at?
When she said I wasn’t a good listener, I felt like talking not listening.
Roadblocks to listening:
- Disinterest in connecting.
- Long-talkers and explainers who never get to the point!
- Knowledge. Talkers know.
- Distraction by what’s next.
- Multi-tasking.
See more on Facebook (3/20/13)
Go away if you’re physically present but not paying attention. Stop wasting time and insulting others.
Closed listeners ask:
- How does this impact me?
- When have I experienced this?
- What would I do about this?
- Where can I take this conversation?
- What do I need to tell?
Adapted from: Coaching for Engagement.
How to open your ears:
Forget about advanced listening skills. Don’t jump to active, critical, or appreciative listening.
Open your ears by closing your mouth.
Look in their eyes and stop jabbering. Leaders are listeners.
Jumping from poor listening to advanced listening is like using a dragster for driving lessons. You’ll crash and burn. In addition, going from not listening to active listening creates paranoia in those around you. “What’s going on?”
One question:
What do they want me to know, feel, or believe?
Open listening:
Four more questions:
- How are they measuring success?
- What beliefs are they expressing?
- What are they feeling?
- What strengths, challenges, or opportunities can I affirm?
Adapted from: Coaching for Engagement.
Listening is connection.
Connecting is influencing.
Influencing is leading.
Leaders who don’t listen don’t connect.
What listening roadblocks prevent leaders from connecting?
What listening strategies enable connection?
Dear Dan,
I agree with the concept of listening. Listening has great power over talking. It invites ideas and opinions of others. While talking blocks ideas and opinion of others. Generally, it is perceived that those talk more are less competent, more fearful, more ego, more self centric than those who listen more. However, it may not be true. Though it makes sense that by talking too much and allowing others to speak have advantage to protect weakness. At the same, more talkers create space with others that they enjoy. They do not want others to connect and know them, who they are from within. Furthermore, those listen more may have less confidence. But the beauty of listening skill is that it attracts more input, suggestions and ideas. It also does not create space with others. It actually connects more with others.
However, there are listening roadblocks that prevent leaders from connecting. This is about only listening and not talking or providing feedback. Unless you provide your insights, how others will known your ideas. So, the right balance between listening and talking is the key to become effective. Active listening strategy with curiosity enable connection. Listening skill that is positive in nature than accusative or pointing out is more connecting. And finally, I am interested in the book.
Ajay your comment is a dead-on ‘Bullseye’ you Sharp-Shooter you!!!!!!
Thank you Ajay.
I particularly enjoy how you lay out two sides to this issue.
As always, it’s a pleasure.
Really good post Dan! I catch myself waiting to talk more often than I would like. I’m currently reading ‘Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking ‘. Lots of great insights for leaders who are extroverts about the needs of quieter people and the value of not talking all the time. I highly recommend it.
Katy
Thank you Katy.
I thought of introverts as I wrote this post. Perhaps they are more prepared by their quiet nature to move on to advanced, active listening techniques. Being quiet may not be the best suggestion for them.
Thanks for suggesting an added resource.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking
“What a person says tells a lot about them, what a person does tells a lot more”. Nothing is as frustrating as communicating with someone when their body language and mannerisms shout, “I really don’t care about what you think, say, or do”. When you converse with these people you get the sence they just can’t wait for you to ‘shut up’ so they can blow you away with their expert opinions. These are people who only care about themselves while leaving their audience to feel the only opinion that counts is thiers. Humble yourself and REALLY listen to others. It is not always easy and takes practice and a true commitment to be a ‘true’ good listener. After years of being a Hostage Negotiator and Trainer of Negotiators did I really come to realize that the best communicaters are great listeners.” Dan I’d love to add a new book to my library”! Have a great day my friend!!!!!!
Thank you Steve.
Love your addition of humility to the conversation. So many of my ineffective behaviors trace back to being UNhumble. 😉
Good morning Dan.
I am, of course interested in the book if it is still available.
I think the most important roadblock is either thinking you already know the answer, or having already decided on the answer you want to hear taking in no further information.
Shutting up is the most valuable listening skill people can work on. For some people that means taking notes. For most it means putting your electronics aside. Then there is the fine art- being quiet, eye-to-eye contact, leaning in, refreaming what you’ve heard, asking questions to clarify… all before you try to give a response.
Listening authentically and deeply is not for the faint of heart, nor the ego-driven.
Good post, as always.
Martina it sounds like you know a bit about Active Listening Skills. “I wish more people did”…
Thank you Martina.
Your suggestion to take notes is one I often employee. It works great for those of with with the attention span of a squirrel on steroids. Great add.
Excellent article Dan, particularly, the ‘Go away if you’re physically present but not paying attention, stop wasting time and insulting others.’ I am, occasionally, guilty of this thinking it’s rude to leave when in actuality it’s disrespectful to stay, unable to conceal my blatant disinterest! Many interesting and valid points here which I will be sharing with my colleagues. (I would love a copy of your “Coaching for Engagement,” by the way) … Lou
Thank you Lou.
Love your candor. It’s makes the rest of us feel better. 🙂
Dan outdoing yourself again today!!!
Got nothing I can think of to add to your wise and loving counsel today.
Just say this, why two ears, one mouff?
I will be better today after your contribution Dan pretty pretty pretty cool!!!!!
Cya and thanks,
Scott
Would love to read your book!!!!!
Thank you Scott.
I’ve already had several conversations where I’ve had the opportunity to practice what I preach! 🙂
Great information. I believe this and try to incorporate it into daily activity. But it is always great to get more and to be gently reminded! (This book needs to be on my self, one way or another. ). Thanks for sharing the resource
Thank you Heather.
I find reminders are a necessary part of learning leadership.
When we talk most of time we say what we know but when we listen we often learn new thing. Nothing going to help us more than being a good listener. 🙂
Thank you supriya.
Love how you remind us that we not only help others we help ourselves when we listen. Win-win.
Well, yep.
When I consult businesses on marketing, I remind them that the script playing in every potential customer’s head is:
What’s in for me? What’s in for me? What’s in for me? What’s in for me? What’s in for me?
We must communicate TO people in that way…but we must listen in the exact opposite.
Easier said than done for me, but I am working on it. 🙂
Hi Dan,
Reading through this the thought occurs to me: we are ALWAYS communicating something about ourselves. When we don’t listen, and talk, talk, talk, we are communicating our priorities, and our level of interest in the other, etc., and the message is not so good from the perspective of the other.
We all pick up the subtle and not so subtle signals. We can’t “not pick them up.” We are all transceivers—unless our talk button is stuck on.
Two people similarly stuck on the transmitting end will just continue to talk *at* each other without listening.
Communicators who are “present” to the ebb and flow of conversation will question, listen, guide, contribute as appropriate.
When I was younger, I experienced a similar “pain” of realization (to yours) based on feedback from others. Improving my questioning and listening skills (based on feedback) positively transformed my coaching and facilitation, and I look at it as, “I’m never done practicing and improving.”
~Mark
Thanks for, once again, a very timely post.
You can’t learn if you’re talking.
I would like your book.
(How’s that for getting to the point(s)). 🙂
One way to listen is to ask better questions. For example, I often ask people questions like; ‘What pleases you most in the work you are doing?’ and ‘Despite the problems, what’s working?’ These sort of questions help the person talking to you be self-aware that they also have a duty to help you remain engaged and listening. Another way is to paraphrase what they are saying; ‘So what I hear you saying is…’, and then, ‘Did I get that right?’
Good morning!
So glad to see:
“Listening is connection.
Connecting is influencing.
Influencing is leading.”
I have been beating my head around the word connecting and how it is so closely intertwined with communication. As my own business is getting busier (good things…) I am recognizing how my strong communication skills influences my professionalism and this leads to more work. But I talk too much, and I am aware of it. I just get so excited and want to share everything with the world… Not all talkers are bad listeners though, some are great at connecting.
Glad to follow your blog!
I would enjoy reading this book. I always appreciate your posts and often RT them.
I would like the copy of coaching for engagement.
I’m my actuarial science profession there is a plethora of taking listeners. Everyone is so smart they just want you to listen by teaching you.
It takes discipline to engage in attentive listening
I believe this was said in a great fashion in the movie “Fight Club”.
“[…] they really, really listen to you, instead of just…”
“- instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?”
I find myself guilty of this frequently. Instead of listening, I’m generating a response to what is being said. And, I’m guessing I’m not alone in this.
Open listening — the four questions are fantastic, positive — and a good way to open up joint goal settiing. What do they want me to believe seems more like a dodger, but the four gets to the route in a positive way….excellent, I’ll really use that advice!!
I have the book – and have been doing a chapter at a time with management team in hopes it will help. I really like the book!
Howdy Dan Enjoy your blog, and would love a copying of Coaching for Engagement. Alas I am in Bangkok, so unless its a E-book you may not want to send one. All the Best Jack
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2013 10:41:00 +0000 To: jack.cerva1@hotmail.com
What a blessing it is to have a wife who is willing to shoot it straight – I’ve got one too. Candid yet gentle, which is much appreciated when the feedback is really hitting close to home! Thanks for the great post Dan and the excellent coaching!
Bad leaders are only interested in listening to their voice. They refuse to listen to others because God forbid they might learn something. The reason they are bad in the first place is because they don’t want to listen and therefore they don’t care to learn or more yet improve. They arrogantly command that others listen to their orders without providing any opportunity for dialogue. Effective leaders are listeners; they are learners. They are humble enough to understand and realize that they’re perspectives are not the only ones that make sense. That others have worthwhile ideas to share as well. When we really listen, we become enlightened and grow.
How often we hear but don’t listen….Probably every board room, faculty room, and administrator’s office should have the sign that says “Stop talking and listen”. I have to consciously work on this because I am wired to talk, to give advice, to fix things…. quickly. So I also must remember the adage that if you are always giving ideas it’s hard to get ideas. Great post. I think from the amount of comments you received already that people were “listening!” 🙂
Great article! Pick Me for the book! Pick me;)
Your post reminds me of the way I approach listening, I need to advise and fix things, when often what the person talking needs is to just vent or talk themselves into what they already know is right anyway. 😉
Great post. Reminds me of Lao Tzu: “Be as the Valley of the Universe”. Just be with and allow others. There is great freedom in letting go of the mind’s need to seize every thought, analyze every impression, and control the external environment. We can’t anyway. Sometimes we can just be with another. Presence is a very powerful gift.
Dan, this is the bomb and very true! Thanks for posting. I’ve retweeted it and posted it on my Facebook wall. I’m starting to receive some good feedback. This resonates with people. You know…most people just want to be heard vs right.
David
I’ve just been writing about how you KNOW someone has been listening. An important point to grasp.
http://pioneer513.wordpress.com/the-triad-of-comprehension/
Thank you, Dan. I’ve found myself in that crash and burn phase trying to jump to advanced listening… I appreciate the advice to make sure I start by simply “opening my ears and shutting my mouth” and maybe as one question to myself as they speak. I have just begun the coaching processes for myself and would love that extra copy of “Coaching for Engagement” you mentioned.
Thank you again,
John S.
Hi
I would enjoy a copy of the book and love these statements in your post:
Listening is connection.
Connecting is influencing.
Influencing is leading.
Leaders who don’t listen don’t connect.
These are simple statements that echo of truth. I also need to be reminded to suspend my judgement on what people are saying, in particular if I have previously formed an opinion about them. I’ve heard it said that you can’t jump to conclusions and be a good listener at the same time.
Besides, talking does not lead to learning, but listening can change you forever.
“Open your ears by closing your mouth”, this is the foundation of any success in business or life in general.
Coaching For Engagement sounds like a great read!! Would love to win a copy of this. 🙂
I enjoy reading your posts and following you on twitter. I would love a copy of Coaching for Engagement if its still available.
Thanks for pouring yourself into us!
JR
This is just what I needed to hear, as I just had the “kick in the pants” conversation recently. I would love to get a copy of “Coaching for Engagement” so that I can be a better person and a better coach for my employees. Who knows, maybe I can inspire someone else and pass the book along!
Coaching for Engagement would be a great book for my son! He’s about to head off to college and just got accepted into the Honors Program today at CSTC! He’s a born leader and an active learner who can benefit from your teachings!
Thank you for this lesson. I ask God for more guidance on listening. I’d also apreciate having the book if it will help me along fulfilling my goals of being a better leader.
Everyone of us, no matter how good a listener we think we are, is guilty to some degree of listening only long enough to start mentally preparing a response. So, we aren’t fully engaged in listening. I have to remind myself every time I meet with staff or clients . . . “listen, do NOT prepare to respond.”
Also what helps keep me mindful of good listening is my all time favorite quote: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” (A. Lincoln)
I would love the book Coaching For Engagement. I am teacher and Reading Consultant. I am learning that listening is the most powerful way to connect and truly understand and influence the decisions and actions of others. The more I listen. The more I understand what is being said verbally and nonverbally and the more I understand, connect and lead them to make decisions that have a positive impact on themselves and others
Hi Dan,
Tks for sharing! I really like this insight: “Jumping from poor listening to advanced listening is like using a dragster for driving lessons. You’ll crash and burn. In addition, going from not listening to active listening creates paranoia in those around you. “What’s going on?””
And I don’t believe that you can actually do it over night… it needs practice and once you get to the advance part I don’t think you would want to go back to poorly listening…
I also believe that in order to get to ‘Listen without the intent to reply’ you have to learn to ask questions out of curiosity instead of assuming what are their feelings, needs and so on… So, for example, the next step to asking yourself “What do they want me to know, feel, or believe?” I would go and ask the people I am talking to directly:
“What do you feel about x,y?”
or “How would you like me to help you with this?”
or “What do you want me to think/feel/do”.
That way you place the responsibility where is supposed to be and you teach them not to waste your time whining ..
I like your recipe for listening — it’s a lost art in our personal, political and business lives these days. It seems that even when companies spend major $$ on listening to their customers, they don’t *really* hear what their customers are trying to tell them — or they don’t really give customers a chance to say what they really want to say (e.g. rigid questionnaires, self-serving purpose, no process to take systemic corrective action or close the loop with the customer base at-large). Another key to settling down the roadblocks to “open listening” is to get in the habit of checking your assumptions — here’s my advice: http://clearaction.biz/blog/check-assumptions-customer-experience/
Really good post — I especially appreciated the suggestion not to rush straight to active listening (and had to laugh about the paranoia comment!). I plan to share far and wide. As for the book, of course I’d be interested! Many thanks for your daily doeses of wisdom.
Such a great post. I’ve passed it on to several colleagues and of course I would live a free copy of “Coaching for Engagement”!
I’d love a copy! Great post!
Listening is a hugely undervalued leadership quality that is often under-estimated by leaders at all levels. Thanks for the post.
It would be an interesting read, I often talk too much
This topic so reminds me of my previous director. I swear her mind was like a hamster on a wheel. She had the agenda and plan already worked out before seeking feedback. She never took a real breath for fear she would get interrupted. She was so busy thinking as she was talking, that the voice in her head was louder than the voices in the room. She would always ask for ideas & feedback at the end of the meeting, and then proceed to explain why they would not work. Translation: extremely disrespectful. The group stopped offering input, and started knocking on HR’s door.
In looking back I honestly believe that some of the problem was a reception/perception problem, what was said and what was heard was not the same. Most of the problem however was a need to be heard and seen as a strong effective leader. The situation was most unfortunate for the team, her included.
What listening roadblocks prevent leaders from connecting?
•Having to be right.
•The concept that, since I’m the leader I am expected to know more than everyone else & what the best option is every time.
•Activities and conversations operate on my timeline, and I’m very busy so lets get through this and move on to the next thing.
What listening strategies enable connection?
•Putting the needs and contributions of others at or above yours.
•Curiosity and a love of learning what others have to contribute?
As a former Kdg. teacher I have always mentioned to my students that “you have 2 ears and 1 mouth, which should you use more?” I hope that I live by this saying every day!
Thank you….you are appreciated. I am interested in your published works. Very inspiring.
I’d love a copy of the book.
I’m currently working for a talker. Its very frustrating! The time with him is very limited so the few tidbits of information I’ve been able to contribute he uses. Image if we had a real conversation.
I’m by nature a listener and it has proven invaluable. I don’t have all the answers, but the people I work with and lead do. That’s why I hired them. Listening to them and asking probing questions, adding organizational framing to the conversation is my job. In the end we not only develop solutions to the issue at hand, but we build a better team for the future.
Lovely piece. I love ”going from not listening to active listening creates paranoia in those around you. “What’s going on?”. That’s a strong point. You don’t want to turn into the listening robot overnight, ease your way into it. Often takes months and even years, but really worth it.
ps. I’m a wordpress newbie. Started my first blog recently, just written my 2nd ever blog which is about…. Listening!
This article made me reflect on my listening skills and how important it is to be a good listener. Maybe if you don’t talk so much others will wonder…or possibly ask… what you’re thinking. Now…that is something to think about!
awsome