Toxic by Accident
Image source by George Hodan
My children used to say, “Stop yelling dad.” I’d say, “I’m not yelling.” My voice sounded calm to me.
Authority and power amplify actions and words.
Every behavior of respected leaders is magnified. Tell a team member, for example, “Your report is late.” They hear, “I’m getting fired.” Or, you ask, “What happened?” They feel picked on.
You think , “no big deal.” They think, “Big deal.” That’s what respect does.
Toxic:
Toxic environments develop when leaders don’t realize their power. Quiet is loud when you’re respected, powerful, and authoritative.
Yell the good. Whisper the bad.
Important:
Don’t forget you matter.
We have bigger bodies and different clothes but we’re thirteen on the inside. You look on the inside and see a kid; they look on the outside and see a leader.
You matter in wrong ways when you forget you matter.
Embrace your importance but reject self-importance.
Humility:
I’m not inflating your ego. Chances are you have plenty. I’m writing this to clarify the impact of your words and behaviors.
Arrogant leaders, who fear they don’t matter, throw their weight around like bullies. Humble leaders believe they matter. Additionally, they know they matter most when they make others matter.
C.S. Lewis said, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”
Focus on others. You have power to make others powerful.
Amplify:
Imagine everything you do has more impact than you believe. You think your volume is a three. Their respect for you amplifies your three to an eight.
William James said, “Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.”
Leaders who don’t realize their own power accidentally damage people and create toxic environments.
How does believing you matter impact the way you think about leadership?
As I have moved up the ladder, I have had to learn that the title itself can be intimidating. Good and bad messages both amplify more than I ever anticipate.
Thank you Karin.
I’ve always hated titles but I need to realize, even if they don’t matter to me, they matter to others. Rejecting the impact of something as simple as a title is another way we accidentally create toxic environments.
Cheers
Intimidating to others and surprisingly so. It catches me unawares. I don’t like to be viewed as intimidating.
Me either!
Well influence comes with increased response-ability. What works for me is relentlessly treating others like I want them to treat me.
Good people with good posture pick up on it real quick and give goodness back. Other folks who got something messed up with them they are preoccupied with their messed-up-Ed-mess don’t notice anything but thee own mess. No biggie, treat them with kindness maybe they will come around.
Why let their self distraction distract me? I don’t have enough time each day the way it is now! I got paradigms to shift!
Just wanted to mention been checking out some of the folks who post here! Wow Dan what an impressive group! Fit lady, arpit, Martina, the lady from Aussie land with the global consciousness view in her business!!!
Learned a lot yesterday reading some of their info I found clicking on their names. Really cool to find out what an accomplished group of folks love Dan’ stuff along with me!
Kind of like that mastermind alliance Nap Hill taught me about!
Have a good one Dan’ great post!
The Dude Abides as usual, do u?
SP Out!
Thank you Scott.
In regard to contributors… It’s not unusual for me to feel that the comments are better than the post! 🙂
Thanks for adding value.
Well that is awfully humble of you Dan, a good example of who you are but I got to tell you from where I am sitting it is great blog and great people here, great accomplished people.
Just glad I found this cause it really helps me and glad I clicked on the names of some of these accomplished people.
Hope others do too.
Nice you don’t sing your praises so today I will. You are great Dan and this blog is too!
CYA, Scott
Dan-
When we believe that we matter, we can see that other matters as well. We are then able to “walk a mile in their shoes” and understand the impact that our words, voices and actions have on them. When people matter, we act as if what we do to and for them makes a real difference. And as leaders, even the “small” things matter.
Thank you Martina.
It’s fascinating that believing we matter – in healthy ways – enables us to accept and even enhance how others matter.
Many leaders have a negative voice playing in their heads that says, “You don’t matter.” When we listen to that voice we almost always behave in self-destructive ways.
Cheers
We think we have open and friendly relationships only to learn – usually in a time of crisis – that we made decisions based on insufficient information. We have insufficient information because the people who could provide us with it see the power and authority we wield as much larger and more threatening than it is. Or worse, they believe we would wield that power in a manner more threatening than we ever would.
Part of that comes from plain naiveté, but part of it does come from our own lack of awareness of how our actions are amplified by a title, a role, leadership.
This is an excellent reminder to be ever mindful of the integrity with which we influence, persuade, convince.
Thank you Lynn.
If you have people around you who tell you the truth, you are a fortunate leader. I’ll add, if you have people around you who tell the truth it’s because you can handle the truth.
How are you handling the truth when people say it determines how much they’ll share.
It is sad and pathetic that “the Donald” (Trump) is being held out as a model of leadership for young people today, because anyone who adopts that style who does not have his or her name on the door of the business is headed for trouble – after having made lots of other people miserable.
Thank you Joe.
I’ve been watching Celebrity Apprentice. It’s absolutely amazing that people think what happens on that show is leadership… Give me a break.
Dear Dan,
“Yell the good, whisper the bad” is an excellent concept. It has lot of depth and great insights. When you yell the good, you strengthen relationship, boost confidence, enhance commitment, encourage morale. When you whisper the bad, you show respect, make other realize, mentor, make aware, strengthen relationship. Both have great positive impact. And this is what a powerful leadership. I agree that toxic environment is created when leaders do not realize the impact of their power. I also think that one quality of great leader is to create positive perception among people. People should perceive leaders behaviour, decisions and actions positively, even if it is not.
I believe that toxic environment is generally emerged when people at top think, act and behave for their own benefits. Such behaviors encourage others to behave in the same way. And the environment becomes so toxic and people need their growth and development on the cost of other careers and sacrifices.
Thank you Ajay.
I love your insight into the source of toxic environments. Toxic is dominated by self-interest at the expense of others.
You suggest that healthy environments are places where people dare to be vulnerable, open, and willing to serve others.
People serve, honor, and protect each other in healthy environments. People feel compelled to protect themselves in toxic environments.
With that definition in mind, there’s plenty of toxicity to go around.
Great leadership is about acting in the best interests of others and the organizations we lead. Anyone in an environment where that isn’t rewarded needs to change the environment or get out.
Hi Dan, another excellent commentary.
As a college underclassman I studied engineering and worked for my future employer as a draftsman during co-op and part time. My fellow draftsmen and everyone else for that matter called me Bob. After 15+ years of being called Bob I was promoted to Associate, which is the group from which the Board of Directors are selected. A draftsman who had called me Bob for all the time I was an employee all of a sudden he called me Mr. Gately which took me by surprise. I asked him why the change and he replied, “Respect.” I guess I had earned his respect.
A 30 year old engineer that was working on one of my projects came to me for more work. I said to her, “Do tasks A, B, C, D add E.” Then she said to me, “Mr. Gately, I have a dumb question.” I replied, “Don’t you have a Master’s degree in environmental engineering?” She replied, “You know I do.” I then said, “Don’t you have an undergraduate degree in mathematics which impresses the hell out of me?” She replied, “Yes, of course.” I then said, “Then nothing you could ask me could be a dumb question.” Her response was, “But I don’t know what you want me to do.” I apologized for not giving clear instructions and then we made a list of tasks for her to complete.
I then said to her, “I have a dumb question, what would have been your reaction had I said, ‘That is a dumb question, I just told you what to do.” She replied, “I would think you were having a bad day but if you did it again that would be the last time I asked you for more work.”
I guess authority does amplify bad behaviors.
Thank you Bob.
Navigating promotions is a huge challenge because we feel the same about ourselves but others feel differently about us. Well, I’ll say that humble leaders feel the same toward themselves. When arrogance rises up, we start to believe we are the title. We get full of ourselves. That’s another conversation.
Thanks for sharing your story.
The introduction to this article struck a chord with me. My dad is exactly like that. He would change his tone and raise a few levels and we’d assure him he doesn’t need to, but he doesn’t hear it.
It’s pretty interesting to see how he does create this toxic environment without even realizing it.
Thinking that you matter allows you to get rid of those insecurities and needs to prove you’re a good leader. A good leader shows through his or her actions. They have nothing to prove.
Thank you Vincent.
LOVE the “nothing to prove” approach. Thinking back, I’ve spend way too much time trying to prove I was worthy of the position I already had. That’s wasted energy.
Another great post, Dan. I’ve added several of the quotes to my database. This is a great thought -Their respect for you amplifies your three to an eight. And it makes a lot of sense from both sides of the aisle.
Another GREAT post, Dan. What a great way to begin another great week.
Consciousness is a critical “state of mind” for leaders. It allows us to see through many lens, not just our own. As a school leader I remember how other educators would remind me of something positive I’d said to them years ago that had made such a difference to them. I did not remember saying it, but they did!! Words Matter!! Positive intent develops capacity!!
Thinking that one small negative thing that you did or say didn’t really hurt others (or yourself) can ripple much farther and impact the foundational trust of leadership for far longer than the original action/statement took to do/utter.
‘Act like you matter’ and know that those you serve matter more.
Great point about the amplification of respect. “We need to talk” might mean a raise or promotion, but always sounds like the preface to a separation. Leaders must realize that the nuance of their words and actions are scrutinized by anxious team members. We have to build an environment of peace and comfort by using our influence to foster trust and understanding. But it MUST be intentional; otherwise, it goes the other way.
On our staff we’ve asked the question “Who are you more important than?” The correct answer is “no one” yet there is no one more important that you. In your place doing what you’ve been called to do. I am sure that you could camp on this topic for a while and many would benefit! “Self importance” “Others focused” Thinking of myself less is probably the hardest life lesson and most impactful for the rich and wonderful life that has been entrusted to me personally. “Consider others more important than yourself…” doesn’t rob us of a position of influence but places us in a position of influence, for a greater purpose and one that we hope will out last our impact. Creating servant leaders is our philosophy; Christlikeness 😉 Thank you again Dan!
Leaders: on Show everyday. Soften the tone but not the message. Great advice Dan
Do you think this toxicity can be intentional? I know that sounds crazy but I wonder if leaders create a toxic environment to be needed. If there isn’t something broken I can’t be viewed as useful.
Chris,
If Dan doesn’t mind me jumping in here, I believe the answer is yes.
I’ll qualify that a bit more.
The leader is not thinking, “I’m going to make this a toxic environment,” but they might intentionally want to create what they believe is a productive environment, or an environment that “breeds winners” by fostering intense competition, constant criticism, “pulling no punches,” etc.
They may also want to compensate for a feeling of powerlessness by acting out in a show of what they believe is power—but most people see right through that.
Regardless, because of the power of the STATION a leader may have, what Dan points out can ring true: “Tell a team member, for example, ‘Your report is late.’ They hear, ‘I’m getting fired.'”
This is true whether a leader is perceived as weak or strong, because it is the perception/though/emotion chain of the employee that completes a toxicity chain.
All that said, I believe that Dan is writing about the kind of leader that has the best intentions, and yet sometimes forgets that part of their good-to-great leadership journey is (and always will be) a mindful appreciation of the degree of their own influence—so that they’re always factoring in the perception of others when they are moving to inspire or direct.
My dad used to say, “You need to know your own strength.” 🙂
I’ve done lots to create toxic environments in the past but the most damage was done when I didn’t realize how much people looked up to me or how much they cared about what I said or how much the room turned when I walked into it. That all changed when my coach asked me if I wanted to grab a coffee. We walked through the building as I would normally do and met a variety of people on the way.
When we got back to my office she said if I noticed any of what had just happened. Uuum … we got a coffee? She explained we just did a walkabout and people either think I’m a rock star or the devil. She pointed out how people turned down a hallway or shrank into the corner of the elevator or stared at me with wide-open eyes.
It was one of the most humbling and incredible coaching moments of my life. From that point forward I began to embrace the need for more purposeful actions in everything I do. I’m still working on it but at least now I know that whatever toxicity I am creating, it is entirely my doing!