Connect or Die
No wonder your office feels like a morgue. You connect with vendors and clients but not with your receptionist, employees, or colleagues. It’s all business with coworkers but you send notes, make calls, and take clients to lunch.
Bosses who mouth the words, “We’re family here,”
but stand aloof are hypocrites.
Leaders nod with knowing smiles when you say leading is about relationships. But, faces go blank and heads stop nodding when you ask, “What are you doing to connect with people inside your organization?” It gets worse when you ask, “What are you doing to help people connect with each other?”
Connections create vibrancy; disconnections death.
I’ll never forget the one word of advice I got from Henry Mintzberg, “Connect.”
Disconnected leaders:
- Rush. “Important” people don’t have time to connect.
- Interrupt.
- Close doors.
- Talk first.
- Gossip.
Connecting within your organization:
- Invest in employees as if they were clients. Take them to lunch, for example.
- Small talk is big. Invite people to share personal information. Ask about the kids.
- Walk into their office as if it was a client’s office. Look for personal items and use them for connecting points.
- Dedicate time to connecting by asking people to share something from their lives at the beginning of meetings. It might feel weird at first but in time they’ll look forward to it.
- Practice personal openness. Share your story.
- Brag about them in front of them.
- Acknowledge emotional states. “You seem excited today. Did something good happen?”
Put your money where your mouth is. Focus your “connecting skills” toward insiders.
You can’t fake this one. Connect intentionally and authentically.
How can leaders connect with people inside their organizations?
How can leaders help people connect with each other?
“You can’t fake this one.” BAM! People can sense when you aren’t being genuine. You’ve got to invest in building a relationship, not in getting an immediate or even tangible return.
Thanks Justin.
I look forward to reading your insights. The word “invest” is powerful. People are worth it. Good call.
Dan,
I agree that you need to connect but, as a manager, there’s a limit as to how far we can go with the personal relationship. My experience has taught me that being too close can create problems. What are your thoughts?
Thanks Dennis.
Navigating friendship and leadership often hits a sticking point when we need to have the tough conversation or call people to do things they don’t want to do.
Too friendly often equals push over or being disrespected by employees.
The solution is to maintain high expectations AND build strong relationships.
The hardest area is when you are promoted to manage former coworkers. Books have been written to deal with that issue. Bud to Boss, for example.
Having said all that, the solution, in my opinion isn’t do withdraw. The solution is to navigate a course through being tough and tender.
I’m thankful for your comment.
Great reminder of why we need to slow down and truly value people. If we don’t, we will continue to move through life all alone.
Thanks Dave.
“Alone” is such a powerful word. Glad you jumped in.
I think the key word here is authentic. I see many leaders not willing to connect because he or she may have to confront one or all of his or her team on different issues. Over the past 25 years in leadership I have strived to be connected with my team. The key has been when they know I genuinely and authentically care and connect they trust when I have to confront.
Thanks J.
It looks like your response has application to Dennis’ question… glad you joined in. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Best post yet by you Dan!
Just finished a training module on this topic, why I say best yet!
Just hope now I am asked to share it with our team!!
Have a good one hope to get feedback from you Dan!!!!!
SP out!
Thanks Scott.
Well, here’s to hoping they ask!
Cheers
Hi Dan, thanks for another interesting commentary. The problem with giving advice to managers who are not good at building personal relationships is that they will do it mechanically as if they were following the instructions on how to assemble a child’s toy. Then they’ll complain it didn’t work as employees react to being treated as a child.
When employers start hiring managers for their willingness and ability to be effective manager, things will improve.
Employees read their managers’ faces, listen to their words, and observe their behaviors and if faces, words and behaviors do not send the same message the behaviors rule. Talking is not enough.
Thanks Bob.
Your comment made me think that training managers on how to connect should be an essential component of their development. We are so busy training managers on how to motivate, delegate… etc… but we seem to neglect how to connect.
Oh my goodness, does this ever need to be said. I was recently a teacher in a building in which if you were alone walking in a hallway with the only the principal coming in your direction he would look away and down as he passed you. If you said, “Hello” he may or may not respond.
Fortunately a co-worker had warned me of this ahead of time or I would have felt I had done something terribly wrong to offend him. Is that unbelievable?
In the climate which exists today, in which teachers have to actively market themselves to students and parents, how can it be that the principal cannot say hello to a teacher when alone in a hallway?
Leaders completely miss the mark when they believe their only customers are outside their doors.
Dauna
Hello Duane, I think that principal was the president of the firm where i had worked for 20 years. He too would look at the floor, at the walls or the ceiling but into your eyes.
Thanks Dauna and Bob.
I must confess that I have avoided eye contact in order to put people off… I’m just too important to look at you… ugh!!
Dan, the president was a painful introvert, it hurt him to look at anyone who may go into his office and ask for a raise. He was not too smart when it came to finance either. He led the charge to reduce the salary of all salaried employees to close $50,000 month red ink gap. After doing so for 6 months he restored the pay cuts and gave us all a raise; he was finally convinced that our revenues dropped three times faster than our payroll. Titles do not confer competence, knowledge, nor wisdom.
Bob, you indicated “the president was a painful introvert.”
How can one be a true leader, if one is an introvert? Don’t you have to be good at engaging and influencing others, to lead them?
But then, I read the last sentence in your comment, and it all made sense!
Dear Dan,
Connect, care and make them perform with sincerity. People get committed once they feel that they have a genuine boss who would support them on and off the job. Encourage team work and make everyone understand that they need each other for a collective success. Organization goals are achieved with togetherness and supplementing each other’s strengths with a system oriented process mechanism.
The leader plays a major role in keeping the morale of employees high with adequate relationship and care by way of a basic work culture. However, performance remains the key criteria for everyone to remain competitive and be part of one large happy family.
Thanks Dr. Asher.
My favorites sentence in your comment… “Make everyone understand that they need each other for a collective success.”
Perhaps in some organizations, success is too much an individual matter that comes at the expense of others.
This is one of my favorite posts on this blog. There are some amazing ideas, and I think often times it is the connection that we are missing.
Robert
Way back when, early on in my career, I had a manager who started off each day walking around the building, talking to the people in each department. He knew their names. He asked about their children, how classes were going, etc and wished them all a great day. He could have had his lunch in the restaurant each day. Instead he went down to the staff room, ate the food everyone else ate, sat at the same tables and joined in the conversation. Needless to say, he had a loyal team who did everything they could to make him look good.
Well said Laurie. Without consistency, a leader’s words are meaningless.
Great post Dan. I have to be completely blunt here (well, I don’t HAVE to but am choosing to). I agree that “asking about the employee’s kids” is a way to connect with them. But I can tell you from personal experience that if within the same month you say, “I am never really sure if you are committed enough to this workplace because you are so committed to your family,” you will immediately lose virtually any hope of maintaining a strong trust connection. Thanks for this opportunity for a mini-vent – hopefully it will be thought provoking for other commenters.
In my company’s leadership classes (much of which are built around Kouzes & Posner’s, “The Leadership Challenge”), this topic is the one that people struggle with the most. At first, leadership wannabes think they can stage situations that will enable them to connect with others. But the best, most meaningful, longest lasting connections are made in those random, day-to-day, organic situations where you, as a leader, are attuned enough to even the most casual interactions that you can say a good word or give a compliment without it being awkward or contrived. It’s a tough talent to refine. (In The Leadership Challenge, it is 5th practice of five practices of exemplary leadership — “Encourage the Heart.”)
This post is so spot on ! Many managers look to outside means to raise morale within their organizations, when the answers begin with them. The most successful companies are those that value all roles that contribute to its success from the Receptionist to Vice President – for them “family” means more than a group of distant relatives.
Dear Dan,
I agree that connection is great energizer. People inside the organizations can connect by believing that every one is important irrespective of its position. And this feeling is generally top down driven. Leaders should create such environment that people should not look down at each other on the name of gender, position, region, religion etc. These are the major parameters which make people to disconnect. Leaders should bring in such components that disconnect people in performance appraisal process.For example, anyone connecting and respecting everybody will be rewarded or recognized. On the other side, those who do not follow this may not be rewarded.
Leaders can set their examples of connecting. Good examples could be wishing to peon, subordinates based on their age. When leaders say, Good morning ” to security guard or peon, this will send strong signal to others. I think, giving strong message starts from leaders. And this works.
Dear Ajay,
I may add few points to your line of thinking on connectivity.
Calling employees by their first names can be a good practice to get a personal affection; conveying good wishes through a personal approach on birth and wedding anniversaries; celebrating small successes of the work team; encouragement and motivation for every good accomplished work in public; a good smile while you walk through the office; a habit of taking the round of the work place area and visiting certain desks to know the work progress; politeness in every communication, be it internal or external and any means; greeting visitors and to-the-point talks with firmness; family gathering once a year etc. are some of the ways to strengthen the bond of relationship and keep employee staff happy &committed to deliver productive results throughout. However, a leader has to be genuine in his approach as regards the connectivity through a human touch but should act as a professional while dealing on official matters.
Dear Dr. Asher,
I absolutely agree and appreciate your intellect, insights and experience. It takes lot of courage and guts to follow these practices. People generally prone to follow trends. So, when leaders create trend, people tend to follow later on.
Regards
Ajay
I believe the exchange here between Ajay and Dr. Asher are by far the best description of a professional relationship between a manager of people and the people managed. Without obvious professionalness, some people will view the relationship as manipulative and others as favoritism. We cannot control how others judge our actions and therefore must maintain above the board, consistent professionalism. Because of that, some readers may view the relationship as stiff or less-than-friendly but the consequences of employees judging you unfavorably in this area could lead to unearned discrimination accusations. There is a very fine line here in that a single disgruntled subordinate can destroy the relationship building that has been successful with all others. Be professional, keep your eyes open for signs of discontent, and always be your true self. Experience will eventually reveal some challenges to every good intention and relationship-building seems to be one that has offered me many chances to re-evaluate by methodologies!
Dear Dennis,
Appreciate your concept. I agree that we must maintain above the board. And we should not concern how other view, perceptive or judge us. I would like to draw your attention here how people derive perception and judgement about others. It is not more about you , but whom do you make relationship matter more. Relationship and closeness with the leaders with lot of achievement, concern and integrity hinders making negative judgement. However, connection and relationship with leaders with questionable behaviour, character and intention may encourage others to make judgement and perception which is generally negative in nature.
What I mean to say, We need to care about other person while making relationship and creating impression among others. We need to reflect us who we are in right way.
Another great post Dan. Very true.
You said it all right here:
‘You can’t fake this one. Connect intentionally and authentically.’
That said, I couldn’t help but put myself in the shoes of the ‘disconnected’ leader. Not hard to do since there have been times in my own life where I disconnected. And there are always reasons for people who normally easily connect, and then suddenly…disconnect.
However, I was thinking further along the lines of…’Well…what about the people that have never really been natural connectors? Or perhaps they are far more concerned about the bottom line of success and finance then people? Or they just don’t care?
Although we can’t fake this one, unless the internal programs of a person are addressed, they will continue to either avoid authentic connection or fake it. Run through the ‘how to’ steps of connection that remains entirely mechanical yet is completely devoid of the heart.
What creates desire in a person/leader to have a heart to care about others in the first place?
That question is not really intended for you answer specifically here today. Simply more of my own question expressed out loud. The answers to the question will more then likely be diverse and based on each persons internal ‘map’ and blocks.
Thanks again for sharing Dan. Good stuff.
Ouch! I see myself is several of the five “Disconnected Leaders:” behaviors that you listed. Although I am not in a position of leadership on our organizational chart, I still have the capacity to influence others in our work group and our school family. Thank you for the swift kick! I will be more mindful of my behavior.
Maybe I should have lunch with myself and do a little evaluative question asking.
Dan – yours is a central question that every leader should see as one of their top priorities – What are you doing to help people connect with others?
In additional to the other important points you raise, there is also the important issue of skill, Truth be told, many leaders simply don’t have the interpersonal (stemming from intra-personal knowledge) skills to make this possible. There has to be a level of openness, comfort and confidence in one’s ability to manage differences and support others in reaching out towards others – especially when there is disagreement.
Lack of awareness and the ability to be mindfully proactive contribute to the disconnection that is limiting communication and collaboration in today’s workplaces.
Connection is such a key, but for many doesn’t come easily. It does take work, but it is certainly worth the effort, when you reap the results.
“You can’t fake this one.” – you can bluff it for a while, but it will always, always find you out.
I’ve disconnected myself from the world at a certain point and now, I’m paying the price. Teehee. Reconnecting is more difficult that maintaining connection.
Some of the managers do this and some don’t… And the ones who don’t are selfish and can’t connect with their employees. It’s easy to see why… I personally feel close to managers in different departments because they are willing to connect and ask me about my personal views/experience. However, I don’t have that connection with my own manager, because he doesn’t do any of this. I also a lot of people in my group that feel the same way.