The Secret Power of Vulnerability
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The power of vulnerability is lost
when you don’t dare or don’t know how.
Bill Treasurer, author of, “Leaders Open Doors,” said, “I used to drink too much. Way too much. … Three years after getting sober … I decided to reveal to my boss, a partner at Accenture, that I was in recovery. …
I didn’t expect my boss to pat me on my shoulder and say, ‘Good for you; you’re a drunk!’ I expected more of a reaction than I got.
After I told him that I was in recovery, my boss looked at me quizzically, and muttered, ‘I see.’ Then he made some small-talk and hurried to another meeting.”
“I regretted having told him…”
If you reveal your real self, what’s left if it’s rejected?
Selective vulnerability:
- Not all the time with everyone. “I gotta be me,” is self-centered, weak, and self-indulgent.
- Not everything. No one wants to hear it all.
- Not helpful. Before vulnerability ask, “Is this helpful.”
- Not only weaknesses. Vulnerability includes telling your personal story.
Another story:
Bill told me another story. He was scheduled to spend two hours riding alone with a tightly wound, military style boss. He said, “I wasn’t looking forward to it.”
Surprisingly, the boss turned the radio to a rock station where Creedence Clear Water Revival was playing. After that, “My boss told me stories of when he fought in Vietnam.” After hearing his stories, Bill said, I judged him less and respected him more.
Vulnerability builds connections.
Back to recovery:
Two weeks after telling his boss he was in recovery something amazing happened. Bill’s boss was on the board of the Georgia Council of Substance Abuse and Accenture had volunteered to do a research project. The boss asked Bill to lead the team. “It was the first time as a new manager that I got to lead my own project team.”
Vulnerability creates opportunities.
Recommendation:
Read, “Leaders Open Doors.” It’s about WAY more than vulnerability.
What are the dangers and opportunities of vulnerable leadership?
What principles guide vulnerability?
***
Dan,
One of the best distinctions I’ve ever heard that helps me know how vulnerable to be with colleagues is: personal versus private. Sharing personal information (“I did two tours of duty in Vietnam”) humanizes a leader. Private (“I’m a recovering acholholic”) is something to be shared with only those you know are in a position to support you.
Bill was very courageous to share his story with his boss. Not all supervisors are in a position to support people with significant life challenges. I loved Bill’s book. If I might also offer that proceeds from this book go to support causes that serve kids with special needs.
Wonderful and helpful distinction, Jennifer. I’m thankful you took time to share you insights.
Yes, all the proceeds from Bill’s book go to serve kids with special needs. It was a great pleasure making his acquaintance.
I think that when we’re most vulnerable is when we’re most human. I don’t necessarily think that vulnerability is a reflection of weakness. Rather it’s a time when we yearn for support, kindness and understanding from people in our lives. I’ve been vulnerable many times in my life especially following the loss of my mother. And I remember feeling hungry for anyone who would just lend me a listening ear. We are human and we all experience times like these. However, as you indicate Dan, these times also promote opportunities for growth. But they also bring insight about the character of those in our lives. They strengthen relationships and encourage understanding and empathy. I’ve learned that it is best when you speak from the heart and not be reluctant to share feelings and reflections of our humanity. Sometimes it is hard for people to open up and share; but when relationships are founded on trust and respect that should not be an issue. I think we all need a listening ear sometimes. When when we speak from the heart, we are being human and that reflects strength, not weakness.
Thanks for being vulnerable today. I see and respect your humanity in your comment.
I know me, I am cool with me. I got no problem being honest with other people about who I really am. If THEY have a problem then it is their issue and they can choose to clean up their mess or not.
I celebrated 29 years of being sober and clean yesterday and now diligently working on year 30! I am SO AWESOME!!! And if I do not think that who will besides my Mom?
Most people do not have a confident self belief so I am sure that statement will rub some folks the wrong way. What an srrogant guy, how cocky is that guy, yada yada yada!!! That is cool cause again their reaction says more about them than me. See how that works?
People not being congruent is not uncommon sadly. In other words their insides don’t match the way they are portraying themselves to the world.
My biggest concern is am I cool with me, having my own house in order, full time job, others issues are best left to them.
One thing I am curious about. What do folks here think about people having opinions about stuff they know nothing about? I find that fascinating personally. How does that work exactly?
Is it a leadership quality to have opinions about stuff one knows nothing about?
For me if I see new info I know nothing about I withhold judgement till I research so my opinion is based on something, anything but dead space….hehe!
How do y’all feel about that? People sharing positive or negative with no framework inspire you or not? Leaders inspire, pretenders just flap their gums. Just my opinion, possible I am mistaken but unlikely. Hehe
I Concur!
Shifterp Out!
Brene Brown (PhD) has a TED Talk on this very subject that changed my focus on leadership. It’s worth the Google.
Leaders hate being vulnerable because of the perception of weakness or that they’ll get “too close” to those they lead. The lack of vulnerability usually lends to not gaining influence, or at least the amount of influence you could have. I’ve never heard someone complain of following someone they respected.
Colby thanks for mentioning Brene!!!!!!!
Now THAT woman gets it!!!
Since I had never heard of her before I shared no opinion on her and her work cause I had no frame of reference…..see how sime and honest that was?
Now I am watching her video on Ted on YouTube and WOW that woman gets it!!!!
Thanks for bringing up her name. Is always a thrill to learn something new and great.
Many thanks,
Scott
Scott….so glad you took the time to step into Brene Brown’s work…yes, she gets it. Her book is incredible…well worth the purchase…it is titled, Daring Greatly.
Good answer, Scott!
Really like her reference. I’m thinking of showing my whole team that one.
I share my vulnerabilities when they may best help others. If I learn they are going through a difficulty I have survived, I will open up to them.
If I become aware that someone is struggling with a break-up, divorce, business deal gone bad, family health crisis, loss of a child,caring for a child with special needs or aging parents, I will share my experiences privately with them and validate the pain of the experience. Sometimes, if asked, I will share one of these experiences in a presentation. That way the people who need encouragement can find me.
I try to share my vulnerability when it can best serve others. Then everyone benefits.
Dauna
Dauna, Right On! –“I try to share my vulnerability when it can best serve others. Then everyone benefits.”
I highly recommend the book Daring Greatly by Dr Brene Brown who discusses vulnerability – a great read by a great writer.
Excellent post, Dan. Kouzes and Posner address this topic in their research noting that the true leader has to go first… and there is never the promise of reciprocation.
Another good read is “Getting Naked” by Patrick Lencioni. Sometimes you have to be willing to show your warts to get more traction in the beauty pageant!
I had to laugh when I read your post this morning Dan. It’s the topic of the one I’ve been trying to write for the past month. Not for lack of things to say. Simply a challenging topic. Usually, when I write, it just flows. The topic of vulnerability? It has been a different story. : )
You wrote:
‘If you reveal your real self, what’s left if it’s rejected?’
I believe this to be at the crux of it all. Not too long ago I tweeted a quote by Alice Miller that touches on this.
‘The love I gained with such uphill effort and self-defacement was not meant for me at all but for the me I created to please them.’ ~Alice Miller
Whenever we reveal our true selves and it is rejected, we naturally create the masks that over time, bury our true selves deeper and deeper inside until all that you have left is the outer layers molded and shaped by others in order to be considered ‘acceptable’ to them.
We’ve all had to do this in varying degrees throughout our lives, beginning in childhood.
We live in a culture that claims to value things like honesty and integrity, yet for the most part, can’t handle it in each other. So what is not valued becomes hidden.
The truth, even when it comes to honest thoughts and feelings, wind up not being acceptable so people are forced to hide and deny them. Hide the truest parts of themselves. Ourselves.
And then we wonder why there is such a wide rift between words and actions; outer appearances and a persons internal world.
There is power in vulnerability and we can only tap into and embrace our own when we are willing to face the fear that resides there. The willingness to face the risk of being rejected and misunderstood in order to live and walk with more integrity. The more we learn to do this, I believe the more this can liberate others too.
I also recommend the work of Brene Brown. : )
Thanks for sharing your insights on vulnerability. Maybe it will help me finish my own! haha
Dan and others, are you familiar with Brene Brown’s work on shame? If not, I strongly recommend you see her TED:talks on shame in which she talks a ton about vulnerability. I also love the work the guys at TrueFaced are doing… see http://www.truefaced.com
We step into vulnerability by using the doorknob marked humility and opening that door leads us into freedom to be ourselves. As many have mentioned here, we need a few others who we can trust in our lives. People who love us and accept us for who we are and will continue to love us, even when we, in vulnerability, let them know the worst about us. Just my two cents….thanks Dan for you post and this blog!
I enjoyed Bill’s book too and it is really interesting the various types of “doors” he discusses that leaders can open to help bring out the best in the people with whom they work. I think it’s also cool that he is donating 100% of the profits from the book to organizations that help children with special needs. Here are my thoughts: http://biggreenpen.com/2013/05/15/leaders-open-doors-a-book-review/
Hi relationaltraction Woodward – I love the thought that we become vulnerable we we are humble enough to risk trusting others and that it truly frees us!
GREAT song choice!
Vulnerability is one of those tricky “fine line” issues — what amount of sharing is just right and what is TMI? Your examples and comments really help clarify. There seems to be a strong evolutionary or progressive aspect to when/how much to be vulnerable — relative to how your business relationships grow. What might be too much vulnerability early in a relationship with superiors / peers / subordinates might be just right as time passes and your connections with one another become stronger. Personally, I have also found the other extreme to work; but only in specific situations. On rare occasions, if I am having a hard time connecting with someone new I’ve been asked to provide my services to, I will spend time during my early conversations with them seeking threads of common interest or experience . . . then, I might try to using a controlled portion of vulnerability to help me better connect.
This is a great post! I’m a therapist working with all types of clients struggling with all types of issues in life. Self-disclosure is always a delicate thing to entertain, as it can either help or hurt the therapeutic relationship depending on when it is used. Your post doesn’t totally relate, but yet it does. Thanks!