The Most Powerful Way to Enhance Influence
At least once in a while, forget about controlling outcomes. Build human connections.
Surrender:
Set aside the things leaders hide behind. Turn off:
- Results.
- Strategies.
- Respect.
- Vision casting.
- Authority.
- Planning.
- Power.
- Timelines.
- Job titles.
- S.M.A.R.T. goals.
Yield:
Take a deep breath and let go of doing, at least once in awhile. Connect by gently stepping toward people with an open heart.
Forget about what you want to do
and remember who you want to be.
The most powerful way to enhance influence
is removing your mask and being you.
“Surrendering means completely relinquishing any effort to control or manipulate the outcome. Surrendering means putting all effort into being completely authentic, real, and mask-free.” Chip Bell and Marshall Goldsmith in, “Managers as Mentors.”
Bell and Goldsmith on surrender:
- Mask-removal.
- Openness.
- Vulnerability.
- Curiosity.
- Not dedicated to convincing.
- Candid with the intent of helping not hurting.
- Accepting candor from others.
- Learning-oriented.
- Positive regard for others.
- Not judging.
“The ritual of relationship is the gradual lowering of the mask.” Bell and Goldsmith
Responses to mask-removal:
- Scrambling to put it back on
- Searching for new masks.
- Fear of rejection.
- Wondering who I am without the things I do.
- Freedom and relief.
- Waste of time.
- Vitality and opportunity.
Leaders are manipulators apart from authenticity. Posturing makes frauds of us all. Come back to the heart of leadership by lowering your mask.
Suggestions:
- Lower your mask gently.
- Trust others first, even if it’s risky.
- Watch for reciprocity. Does their mask lower, too?
- Find and build on shared interests.
- Ask an authentic leader to help you learn authenticity.
Bonus: Always unmask with optimism regarding yourself, others, and relationships.
The most powerful leadership behavior is unmasking yourself.
What are the dangers of lowering your mask?
How can leaders come out from behind their masks?
Free book: Leave a comment on: “How to be a Sage without being a Snob,” to be eligible to win 1 of 25 copies of, “Managers as Mentors.”
Learn powerful components of trusting relationships from the trust expert, Stephen M.R. Covey. Complimentary webinar on June 12, 2013:
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Good one Dan,
I shared it on my Linkedin network with the following comment:
“Are you busy doing what you need or think you need to do, or are you doing something better by keeping busy being you? Always Care! ”
Stay safe,
Paul
Thanks for sharing Paul. Cheers!
Dan, I heard a quote — “Vulnerability is like a hug. You can’t embrace anything without first being OPEN”. When we hug someone, you do loose the use of your arms for any defense (maybe that is why we pound each others back). I will envision giving a hug to someone when I take the opportunity to “penetrate the soul”. To me, it is freeing and scary. Love the bullet points under responses to mask removal – great post.
Thanks Scott. Love the quote and illustration of a hug. It’s one more way of looking at this that makes me uncomfortable. I’m with you vulnerability is BOTH freeing and scary. Cheers!
Scott,
I have never heard a “hug” defined that way. Thanks, it opened my mind to something new.
I liked your hug analogy & definition, too, Scott. Dan’s post today talks about removing our masks and being our real selves; and in a business setting, that screams “vulnerability.” And we work SO hard to keep others from sensing any vulnerability in our business dealings, that’s it’s a scary prospect — and something that lots of leaders shy away from like the plague. But by couching it as a necessary aspect of embracing something . . . well that’s just spot-on to me.
I pin a lot of your posts. This will be one of them! Loved it.
Thanks Pam. Honored.
Absolutely. Great content, Dan. Vulnerability is so important when you’re building genuine relationships. Anything less than vulnerability feels like a manufactured relationship.
So easy to say…so challenging to live. thanks Justin.
Downside of lowering my mask?
There is none.
In my experience there is nothing more important in getting along with other people than being authentic.
Number one, people can tell if I am a phony. They may not say it verbally but they can just sense it, like a 6th sense whether I am aware of it or will acknowledge it or not it is there. I can feel it with other people too, can’t you?
Number two, I know in my gut if I am an authentic human being and knowing that and presenting myself to the outside world differently creates tremendous inner conflict. I will get nowhere and be miserable in the process. Also getting EXACTLY what I deserve.
Heard once all problems are a conscious separation from me and God and all solutions are a conscious contact. Now you call or talk to or worship whatever you think God is. That definition is up to you. When done like that, Agnostic, Christian, Jewish, Muslim can all use the strategy the same.
I heard get right vertically and things straighten out horizontially!!!!!!
Frank Kern talks about it being congruent, insides matching outside presentation. Cool Dude that Frank Kern! Plus ridiculously wealthy, successful and fulfilled!!!!!!!
I figure other people can be authentic the same way I practice it on a moment by moment basis. Who knows, figure they got to figure that out for themselves.
Simple, I practice what my Grandfather taught me
1. If it ain’t right, don’t do it
2. If it ain’t true, don’t say it
3. If it ain’t yours, don’t take it!
Now lets see if we can get double digit thumbs downs today!!!!!! LOL
I Concur!
Shifterp OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
One down side is unmasking in off-putting ways.
One of the reasons I like you so much Dan is man oh man you make me think!!!! Thank you for that.
I am not sure a person, if being authentic, their unmasking can be off putting.
So then we are left to those around the unmasking event and their perception of what they are observing.
If a group of world famous chefs cook up a 7 course meal steaks as their main course, show their creations to a panel of vegans how ya think that is gonna turn out?
I believe authentic people unmask to be more genuine and can’t see how that can be seen in any off putting way.
SP
In my own attempts at being authentic, sometimes I become a take it or leave it person. I find that approach inflexible, insecure, and ineffective. I’m still learning how to take of my mask and have a long way to go. I also find in my own journey that taking off my mask can be an excuse for self-centeredness.
Dan, I think your opening line says it all – “at least once in awhile” – that’s a realistic nod to the fact that many leaders are measured by all of the items on your first listing of 10. I wonder how many performance conversations ever make one single mention of your “surrender” or “suggestions” lists. How wonderful it would be if a CEO said to her Vice Presidents – “let’s do a recap of your vulnerability and control surrender success metrics for the month . . .” 🙂
OOoooo Love the vulnerability/surrender metrics! Now that is letting the rubber hit the road. Thanks for a powerfully uncomfortable application.
I like this. It reminds me of Dr. Dan Allender’s book: Leading with a Limp. Parallel message with a Christian influence. A good read if people want more info like this. Thanks for this article!
Dan, this is the deepest of any of your posts that I have read. Thank you. With this perspective, Your comment to Scott hit a nerve: I unmasked in of-putting ways as a defense against those I fear would criticize.
And Jennifer: what a powerful contribution! Thank you.
Thank you for this deep post. I loved this quote: Forget about what you want to do
and remember who you want to be.
The most powerful way to enhance influence
is removing your mask and being you.
Dan, I haven’t read the first two editions of Managers as Mentors, but I really liked the emphasis on partnership. And being a good partner requires you to unmask yourself as you said here.
This is my post about Managers as Mentors: http://biggreenpen.com/2013/06/05/could-a-mentor-have-changed-things/
Dear Dan,
Unmasking is really leadership exercise. It is challenging and hard task for anyone who want to do it. I think unmasking depends upon the context. It is powerful when people are authentic and truthful. When people around are manipulative and superficial, then unmasking may not be good exercise. I also feel that unlearning is also the powerful way to enhance influence. Where unmasking enhances your character and nature. People come to know your true-self, unlearning enhances proactive behaviour leading to learning and growth. One makes person, other shapes behaviour.
I agree that there is dangers of lowering your mask. Arrogant people may lower the image when they come to know the real face. And that is why I strongly believe that unmasking is powerful when people around are authentic and have humility.
And leaders can come out from behind their masks by instilling humility. They should delayer ego and learn that person without ego lives true life with honor and respect. Person with ego lives dubious life and invites fear. They always create space to avoid being exposed.
Dan,
Thank you for this insight. Daily I continue to struggle with these issues and you have given me some good words to think and hooks to hold onto some things.
YIC,
Darian
I believe it was George Washington who said he chose to be polite to all and open with very few. I have lived my life unmasked and it is a dangerous and lonely world but the only one that has shown me the way to really have a life I could call my own. May I recommend that we at least take off the mask with ourselves and gather strength in that and gain true “personal leadership”, then the Holy Ghost can show us where to be open with others. Open and honest may be two different things. They will know if you are real with yourself anyway and you will motivate them and be the leader you were born to be.
Being vulnerable is difficult because of the way we’ve treated each other as a society. I need to do this more, if not for my own sake of sanity.
One of my favorites! LOVE it. Thank you for all your enthusiasm & knowledge and sharing it so freely.
I really, really love this post Dan. You’re absolutely right. Sometimes we get so caught up in the craziness of our daily lives that we forget to notice the things that really matter- the relationships that make our lives meaningful. It’s very important to just be ourselves and open up to connect with people on a deeper level. Thank you for sharing.
Powerful indeed. Experienced it a couple of times when my boss lowered her mask in one of our long conversations about our organisation and I lowered mine gradually too. A deeper trust was established, I became more forthright with my opinions and she became more open. My influence on her became greater. However, the perogative remains firmly at the leader.
Your thoughts on un-masking are spot on and will be good food for thought as I work on being a more connected leader who values sharing. In my experience I’ve found it to be scary but so rewarding. Thanks for the challenging reflection.