Lousy Leaders Suck at Difficult Conversations
Lousy leaders build mediocre organizations because they dance around issues. But, remarkable is the result of difficult conversations done skillfully.
Mediocrity arrives when
difficult conversations are avoided.
Why lousy leaders suck at tough conversations?
Pretending and transparency:
The false face lousy leaders wear invites others to be false too. Lousy leaders reject personal transparency in favor of pretending. But, everyone knows that no one has it all together.
Tough conversations are best received when given by imperfect leaders. Lousy leaders cling to superiority by putting on false faces. But, transparency opens the door to tough conversations.
Would you rather have a tough conversation with a superior or someone who understands journey, pursuit, and struggle? Lousy leaders talk down because they’re pretending to be superior.
Leadership transparency – acknowledging pursuit and struggle – builds foundations for difficult conversations. Transparent leaders say, “I’m in the battle too.” Skillful leaders build strong connections that enable and withstand difficult conversations.
Transparency builds strong connection
between honest people.
Dangers of rejecting personal transparency:
- Environments filled with posturing and pretending.
- Stress caused by wearing a false face. Truthfulness frees, even if it’s tough.
- Fear of failure.
- Wasted time and energy.
- Lack of creativity and initiative.
- Blame and finger pointing.
- Anger.
- Excuse making.
- Manipulation.
- Discouragement.
Transparency guidelines:
- Be transparent before tough conversations. Build open environments where imperfection is normal and expected.
- Be transparent during tough conversations. If it feels awkward, say so, but stay focused on the goal.
- Limit transparency by what’s useful for the organization. Transparency isn’t an excuse to use your organization as a therapy group. Open up when it’s helpful. Express other personal issues elsewhere.
- Be transparent with your personal pursuit of excellence.
- Use transparency to connect, not condescend.
- Express your hopes and concerns for the person and your relationship, after the conversation.
- Wait for progress before sharing personal struggles.
Dangers and opportunities of transparency in leadership?
Here is some weird feedback: I might’ve used the word “stink” instead in the headline. I routinely forward these on to the managers that I lead, but I had to think twice today. Wouldn’t want that language to potentially offend. Part of it is likely my age, and partly my awareness of organizational constraints. Anyway, just thought I’d share. The content is do good, I hate to have to hesitate about sharing….
Thanks for all you do!
Thanks Marcia,
Great feedback. I’m uncomfortable with using the word “suck,” too. I’ve been searching for a term that’s provocative but not offensive. I’ll keep looking.
And thanks for sharing these posts with others. MUCH appreciated.
I’ll join you in your search, but sometimes “suck” just seems to contain the proper emphasis. 🙂
Best…Jim
Great post. Be transparent, or as my kids would say: Be real. Difficult conversations are difficult. Letting others know you are in the struggle for excellence with them, on the same side, can tip the balance. Thanks for the boost this morning.
i LOVE IT! Be real…so simple…and yet so hard!
Thanks Duane,
Now why didn’t I think about “be real.” Nice way to put it. But, as Enna says, it’s hard to be real or transparent.
Transparency seems to be a taboo subject for leaders. SO GLAD to see you advocate for it. At the end of the day your personal credibility/integrity is all YOU have. Transparency often contradicts the needs of the organization because what the organization doesn’t want disclosed is information they fear will affect their productivity, bottom line or talent pool. Difficult. Still a lot of sacred cows to dance around. Transparency has to be a habit…not coming into the confessional with diarrhea of the mouth seeking to overwhelm people with dirty laundry in hopes that they will take pity on you, grant you clemency, and do what you need done. Bravo. We have to begin to look at transparency differently. We want more loyalty we have to find a better way to communicate effectively and in a timely manner. The challenge of transparency for organizations and their leadership is that it puts the organization it makes the organization vulnerable. The needs of the organization are often ahead of the needs of the individuals who work in them because lets face it, for the most part its about the $$$ and in order to protect the profit margin decisions are made but not shared. Its funny though, have you ever been in “the meeting” where what they “thought” was a “secret” EVERYBODY already knew? When the person who has the guts to ask the question lays in on the line you can see the look of HORROR on the face of the leadership who know the answer but don’t have a response so they fumble and bumble…classic.
GREAT ARTICLE. KEEP THEM COMING!!
Thanks Enna,
I can see you’ve thought about this before. 🙂
I’m glad you bring up the problem of transparency being perceived as weakness.And lets face it, sometimes it is.
I definitely don’t advocate for complete openness. The rule of what’s best for the organization is one I use to guide and limit transparency.
Transparency, in the end, isn’t about meeting the leaders needs for affirmation. It’s about creating connection. If more is needed, get a counselor, friend, mentor, or coach.
You really got me thinking.
I agree….full disclosure is not the answer but we can definitely move towards striking a better balance. Often it’s not the information but the timing of releasing it and to whom it is released snd how it is disseminated. Very thought provoking topic!
Yup… and how do I transmit that to my CEO remains the big question. The fact that I know he is a lousy leader doesn’t make him better… sadly. So, how can i help him ?
Thanks Charlotte,
This is a constant issue. It’s probably good that we can’t control others.
Practicing transparency in front of others can help but often, lack of transparency reflects issues like our perception of who leaders are supposed to be and our fear of being rejected or disrespected.
Best I can suggest is be transparent yourself, in ways that build connections. Don’t strain connection with transparency…build it.
Perhaps realizing that connection is a processes helps as well.
In the end, the best we can do is be the person we hope our boss becomes.
Thanks for jumping in today. I suppose I’ve shouldn’t have said as much as I did… you have my best
Great challenge, Charlotte; I like Dan’s response. Modeling leadership isn’t a one-way process. You can model leadership for your CEO, too. Perhaps he’ll wonder about the secret to your success. This sort of leadership does not go unnoticed– by your superiors, by your team, and by your competition (read: other opportunities).
Mediocrity arrives when THAT is the agreed upon goal. PERIOD.
I have found most people hates that! What do you REALLY WANT, look EXACTLY what you have, that is precisely what you have given to you. Want to fully be response-able for your own choices?
Only volunteers, no victims, that is wearing Big Boy pants and Big Girl Dresses.
Want a different result, face reality honesty and agree upon a new goal. Simple enough? Choose a different result starting with a new thought. NOW!!!!! Think, feel, act, no other way we operate.
Feel that honest evaluation and conversation is less painful than WE ARE OUT OF BUSINESS, you got no job no mo!
Which is an easier conversation to you in your estimation?
I have found folks operate at every turn for the anticipation of gain(pleasure) or the avoidance of fear(pain).
If I feel more to gain, (pleasure) and less pain by speaking up, I speak up. If I determine more gain, (pleasure) and less pain by doing nothing, I do nothing. I have found consistently folks do more to avoid pain that gain pleasure! Silly Wabbits! I try to go for the pleasure as often as I can! Like a fish swimming upstream, Sam I am!
So it isn’t really sucking or not, it is a choice about pain or pleasure.
So to recap, very very simple, spiritual beings having a human experience operate at a very instinctual level. Based on our egos we want to complicate things so we come up with what we feel are most brilliant solutions to seemingly complex problems. NOT really very simple instinctual animals.
For me simple works better for two reasons, I am simple as the AA Big Book says most good ideas are simple. So I am simple and The Big Book backs me up. Good enough for me.
Using the word transparent is cool and all but ain’t it really just about being honest? I have found for me just be honest is the best policy and let the chips fall where they may.
I Concur! I hope so it is my opinion based on my experience! Would be in quite a mess if I did not concur with my most awesome self, right?
Shifterp back to NOW!
Thanks Scott,
From a leadership point of view, it’s not about pain or pleasure but what’s best for others and the organization.
Also, one of the shortcoming of the pain/pleasure model is delayed gratification. How long should I feel the pain in order to ultimately enjoy the pleasure?
It’s not just about being honest… it’s about the topics of we honestly let out. Transparency assumes honesty but addresses topics we may be reluctant to share because of our views of leadership, for example.
From your Leadership view, right? Yours does not include everyone else’s right Dan?
My point of view comes from Anthony Robbins, think he has a pretty good handle on how human beings make decisions. So since he spent 30 plus years figuring it out and knows better than me I will go with his experience and understanding.
So every human decision is based on gaining pleadure or a avoiding pain except when it comes to Leadership? Really?
Best I can say there Dan is we can agree to disagree.
All human beings make decisions based on will it move us forward (pleasure) or backwards (pain). Now leaders are human beings but not all human beings are leaders except we all do lead ourselves.
Therefore ALL human decisions can be boiled down to pleasure and pain. Just how human beings operate.
One endures pain…..drumroll….till they decide they want to feel something else and not a millisecond earlier or later.
As far as honesty goes my rule of thumb is after 29 years of listening to drunks is there is a stark difference between enthusiasm and stupidity.
Use practical common sense.
Anyways just my opinion based on my and Tony Robbins experience.
Heard it takes a smart man to learn from their own mistakes and a genius to learn from the mistakes of others. Think that wisdom can also be extended to learning from others experiences. You?
SP back to now!!!!
I served a boss who delegated (and still delegates) his difficult conversations. He was loud and proud about what needed to be done…until who it needed to be done to was around. Then it was a quiet retreat as his designated deputy uncomfortably took the helm.
Still another boss, after recently dismissing a team member, immediately left the building– before the team member could even come back from retrieving her building keys from the car. This put other team members in the uncomfortable position of effectively relieving her of her job.
Uncomfortable conversations are…uncomfortable. But not having them, as you point out, can make things uncomfortable for the entire team and cut down productivity, success, and morale.
Thanks Justin,
Here’s the lesson you gave me. Stay in the mud. Don’t run off. Be available and get comfortable with discomfort.
Very challenging and useful.
Exactly! There’s a time and place and method for teaching new leaders how to appropriately handle situations like these. Shoving it off because it’s uncomfortable for you is not the path of a leader.
Dear Dan,
Why lousy leaders suck at tough conversation, is the great question.You have discussed the importance of transparency in exposing lousy leaders. Such leaders also create space with other people just to stop being exposed. They talk about transparency. They know what people want to listen and hence they know what to talk. This step focuses on creating an environment that can shield them. I agree that lousy leaders do not create good leaders and in fact, infect the environment.
Transparency has both pros and cons. The person who is not doing anything can not talk about transparency. Similarly the person striving to achieve hard target can not avoid transparency. In other words, transparency is intentional concept. So, leaders practicing transparency should question their intention behind this. This intention could provide either one- threats or opportunities. I recall one incident, where manager handling corporate social responsibility section, donated fund to the charity run by his wife. Though it was transparent since the cause was to help underprivileged and poor people. But, people may question, why the fund was donated to the charity run by his wife, and not other charity?
Thanks Ajay,
“The person who is not doing anything can not talk about transparency. Similarly the person striving to achieve hard target can not avoid transparency.” — KaPow!
Dan – suck is an interesting word and has acquired somewhat of a disparaging sense recently, so I understand Marcia B’s concerns. It’s still OK to say your baby still sucks his thumb, or that certain activites are a time suck, or mention something sucks the life out of you. I think a lot of us say “that sucks” in the way that Marcia took it, that it really stinks (which is a clean way of saying it’s smells of someone’s feces). Many folks probably shy away from using it simply because it sounds a lot like the f-word and we don’t want to be grouped with those that throw that around as an adjective for every sentence just to emphasize our point or to be provocative.
If you had titled it, “Lousy Leaders Suck” and then went on to share how their inabilty to have those difficult conversations were draining the life out of their company – or that they were causing a loud sucking sound from all the employees that were leaving their organization – then it might have been less offensive. Probably not. Sometimes edgy is OK.
Thanks Randy,
I really appreciate your feedback on this and enjoyed your explanations.
The trouble with edgy – something I enjoy being – is that it crosses the line for some. That’s way it’s edgy.
The other issue is inauthentic edgy is just irritating. In other words trying to be edgy or provocative just to be edgy is fake. Hopefully, LF readers know that I just enjoy poking the box and getting us all thinking.
It probably surprises some that I’m uncomfortable with some of the things that I say. 🙂
This is one of the biggest reasons why I would SUCK as a leader. I am not that great at saying what it going on. I always avoid hard conversations, and even worse tells others what I should be saying. That of course then gets around and blown out of proportion. It was better just to say it to begin with.
Hope many leaders heed you warning a stay the course and say what needs to be said.
Of course there is always a right way and wrong way to do that.
Dear Dan,
A good interesting post!
Good leaders have a habit of remaining transparent in their dealings. That is why they are more acceptable and respected by all. The only condition is to remain honest and see things in right perspective without pretending. Difficult people and tough situations /conversations can be handled well if we go with the laid down policies, systems & procedures.
Using transparency to suit the occasions is a dangerous ploy. Lousy leaders misuse this and they get exposed sooner or later.
Good transparency is the essential ingredient of building a strong team of deliverable. However, confidential matters should not be part of transparency or otherwise good leaders will turn out to be lousy leaders very soon.
Transparency in leaders is a great thing. Unfortunately, everyone is not ready for transparency. This is the balance a great leader must make as he leads. This becomes so true in military combat. There are times a leader knows that the orders he gives his troops to complete are dangerous and lives will be lost. Transparency in this situation is not wise as it may cause fear, trepidation and hesitancy. At times a leader must, lead by example (action) which is the greatest transparency of all. People will follow you before they follow your transparent words. Great post!
Very true Dan. My pet hate is people disguising the difficult conversation with “Just being devils advocate….”, Damn it just get it out and say what you think there is no need to apologise or excuse your arrogance in thinking you have the answer. Don’t mistake filibustering and the likes as transparency.
Reblogged this on IAm Synt and commented:
“Be transparent before tough conversations. Build open environments where imperfection is normal and expected.” Dan Rockwell
Some things need no further commentary. . .just action.
Great article and love the Robust Debate. I look forward to your words Dan every time…a common sense approach is not to common in the worls today. Thanks
Because of the word “lousy”, I too am a little nervous about forwarding this to the sales directors and managers I coach. That being said, I will definitely steal the “Dangers” and “Transparency” guidelines you shared.
My thoughts on “sharing the bad news” or providing tough feedback with someone is also a true measure of intimacy. Your post is about leadership yet this can also be applied to every relationship in our lives. “I don’t want to hurt so-and-so’s feelings”, said everyone at any given point in our lives.
So we withhold what might be the most impactful feedback they might have ever heard. Being able to honestly share with someone shows you care, probably very deeply, and want them to be able to make decisions on their own, with all of the facts. That’s a relationship, not a fantasy.
Another succinct and insightful article Dan. Full of brilliant observations and quotable quotes. I’m always interested to notice what parts of the article readers focus on and challenge. Lots of additional learning for me, especially when I find myself puzzled or irritated by certain responses.
Openness is vital for establishing strong, trusting relationships. If a leader is closed whether due to fear or lack of self-esteem, s/he will be incapable of creating a healthy leadership climate.
it’s not as if any of us are perfect in this regard, but a little self-awareness about WHY we’re not as open as we could be, can go a long, long way.
Reblogged this on Transformations Life Productions.
Many people can tell me quickly what they don’t want. Only a handful of people can tell me what they do want! So, tell me what you want.
Hi dan, just a quick question, you say in the beginning, that transparent leaders say “im in the battle too,” but your last point in the transparency guidelines says, “wait until progress to share personal struggles.” This seems contradictory to me. Can you extrapolate a little more on the differences and why you suggest this?
Thank you for taking the time to creating this outline.
Mike