Seven Positive Responses to Negative Feedback
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Negative feedback isn’t the issue. You are.
How you respond to correction, criticism, and negative feedback tells me who you are. It’s even more telling when it comes from someone of lower status.
Negative responses:
- “It’s your fault too.”
- Making it personal.
- Standing aloof
- Minimizing.
- Arguing.
- Feeling attacked.
- Finger pointing.
- Excuse making.
- Denial.
- “I’ll never be good enough.”
Negative responses to negative feedback delay growth, destroy progress, and lose respect.
Focus on response.
Learn how to take it gracefully.
Receiving correction is pivotal to your leadership.
Positive responses:
- Gratitude. Don’t get gushy or pretend it doesn’t hurt. Just say thanks for your feedback.
- Questions. Avoid statements until you’ve asked clarifying questions.
- Restatements. “I hear you saying…”
- Solutions. Ask for suggested solutions. Simple is essential; one or two is enough.
- Happy. Do corrective behaviors make sense and feel good? If the path forward isn’t inviting you’ll avoid it.
- Initiate. Don’t wait. Ask for a follow-up. Make it soon. Meet in two weeks for a progress report. Four weeks is too long. If behaviors call for negative feedback, solve them quickly.
- Gratitude again.
Time:
No response is better than over-reaction.
Correction is tough to hear. Listen, and if necessary, ask for some time to think it over. Be honest. “This is hard to hear. Could I have an hour to digest your feedback?”
Transparency:
Include those who were impacted by negative behaviors. Explain what you’re working on and corrective actions. You go further when others know where you’re going. In a few days, ask them how you’re doing.
Open up don’t push away.
Drop it and move on:
Ask for affirmation when you achieved goals. Reject nitpicking. Move on.
Responding well to negative feedback, toughens character, increases influence, and strengthens connections.
Facebook participants respond to: “When you’re on the receiving end of a tough conversation _______.”
What negative responses to feedback have you seen? Positive responses?
After a series of negative feedback (mostly unrelated and inconsistent), I self-instigated a 360 review across 5 functional groups including many of the protagonists. Most of the feedback was known to me and actions were put in place. Most importantly, however, the negative feedback ceased and confidence was restored.
Negativity feeds itself. Nip it in the bud!
David
Thanks David,
Deal quickly, decisively, and humbly.
Wonderful addition. I think when we deal in weakness with negativity it grows. The other danger is driving it underground.
Your contribution is helpful!
I should add, that thanking participants for the feedback was the most powerful piece of the puzzle. (I knew who participated, but feedback was anonymised).
I go back and forth on anonymous feedback. What’s your take?
In my experience, most people shy away from candid feedback when not anonymous.
Personally, I’d prefer the unfiltered feedback and seek advice to interpret, then be left guessing what was left unsaid.
I couldn’t have done that without the experience of my support network, however. Thanks if you are reading 😉
YMMV.
David.
I’m reading David…thanks for your insights. Much appreciated.
Well “lower status”. Thats how I see others I got lots of work to get my own house in order. Just saying.
Folks with different job title and pay grade sails thru my grey matter much more comfortingly.
My answer to feedback varies!!! Allegedly!!
What I strive for is sumptin like dis, “well thanks, since as a spiritual being having a human experience only using about 7% of my brain at most at any given moment means you might just be right!! Thanks will get back to ya!!”
Yeah that seems to be a reasonable response considering…….
Have a good one Dan!
I Am.
SP back to now
Thanks Scott,
“YOu might be right…I could be wrong” two very powerful phrases.
I Concur!
SP back to my present!
Hi Dan,
Negative responses?
This message. You won’t hear it like this, but this is in the mind. I know, because I’ve been there in my younger days.
“But I want it my way. I have momentum, and I want it my way, even if others aren’t on board, and things are failing. I’m going to make it work. I can’t believe you don’t see the value in this vision and how it could work…”
The ego doesn’t pause and see the cost/benefits aren’t there. It won’t work because you can’t tell or sell it, it had to have co–creation to work.
I’ve also seen self–righteousness as a negative reaction. Could come along with the above message in some cases.
Both these reactions might come out as one on your list above (a great list!), but in such scenarios the “arguing,” or “denial” is just the tip of the iceberg.
Love your recommendations for handling and positive responses. I also like humor as a positive response. “Damn! You mean I don’t have this all figured out and sorted?” Then, gratitude and smiles…
All the best,
Mark
Hey Mark, just one thing, when is self-righteousness NOT a negative reaction?
Just how does that work exactly?
SP back to now!
Hi Scott,
Not sure how you got any uncertainty on that topic from my post, but if you did, it is because of some laziness in my writing.
I might have written it: “I’ve observed the negative reaction of self–righteousness as a common one to criticism.”
Regardless of my careless writing, your question still hangs out there. Personally, I can’t think of self–righteous reaction that turned out well, but I’ll allow that one might exist.
I will say that self–righteousness is a sneaky one. I see it especially regarding major belief systems in politics and religion. There are no 100% logical decisions, yet many forget that their choice of belief is primarily an emotional one.
Now, I wrote that last sentence to deliberately provoke a self–righteous response in the reader. Either you’ll (royal “you”) see a useful perspective in it (notice I didn’t say “truth”), or your egocentric self–righteousness apparatus will kick in and immediately begin to impeach my credentials, logic, understanding of the topic, and even my sanity, in order to preserve the “rightness” of your belief system.
Be well,
😉
Mark what a GREAT ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now it would be bombastically arrogant of me to say anything negative about you in anyway!!!!!!!!
Plus in order for me to do so I would have to lie cause I loved your response! I am not jiggy with lying, for the most part.
I have found I will not lie to you or anyone else unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary!
Your hook was taken but in a curious way!
For me self-righteous is any ego driven desire on my part to SHOUT OUT to the world I AM RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!! LOL Any desire, not just political or religious. Ego don’t discriminate, it just wants, NEXT! Mine anyways!
Problem is I am absolutely, mostly, ridiculously WRONG!!!!!
But so what!!!!!!!!!!!! Being right in the long run does not take away the eternal dirt nap we are all heading for, right???
Don’t worry, be Happy!
Horray Beer, which must sound odd from a recovering Dude!
Horray anyway! For you if you are cool with it! I will pass!
By the way how is that religion and poiliticing working out for us all? hehe
take care,
SP back to being mostly wrong but happy NOW!
Thanks Mark,
Your addition to negative responses to negative feedback ring true. Frankly, and to often, I DO want it may way. That’s why I don’t want to listen. That stings!
As you said, sometimes it is better to say nothing than over respond. Silence is golden.
YUP! 🙂
Dan,
Another good one! On your question about transparency of feedback, I think if you are looking to get direct feedback that isn’t anonymous you need to ask the other person if you’ve done enough to earn that right. If I want non-anonymous feedback from someone I will ask them “have I done enough to get direct feedback from you, and if not, what can I do to change that?”.
If you already know the answer, the approach is “I haven’t done enough to earn direct feedback from you and I’d like to change that right now, if I can. I’ve been close minded, and at times have reacted very negatively. That put you in a difficult spot as I didn’t honor the gift you were giving me. I’m sorry about that and would like to change that. If I promise to listen carefully and respect what you have to share with me, would you be open to doing so?”
I’ve never seen that approach fail.
KaPow!
Dan, you don’t always hit the mark, but this one’s a bullseye. Kudos.
“No response is better than overreaction” Very true. My mom always used to tell me, “If you can’t say something nice, you should shut the #$%^ up.”
I don’t always hit the mark? 🙂 Thanks for the feedback!
I’ll be quiet now.
Wait, but if everyone followed your mom’s advice wouldn’t that mean we wouldn’t learn from each other with constructive/negative feedback?
🙂 … now that’s just disruptive!
Restatements. “I hear you saying…” are powerful in many contexts and are great tools for understanding and alignment, they serve as a great bridge to dialogue.
MJ’s Mom and mine are from the same school! 🙂
Thanks Ken,
Do I hear you saying that we should say, “I hear you saying,” more often? cheers
its the Bing Crosby technique .. “Do you hear what I hear…?
🙂
I couldn’t agree with your points more. As a university teacher, I hear so many excuses that if they were made of flesh I could build an army. An army which, apparently, would never get anything done.
I have told my students countless times – just do it, do it on time, do it right, and you’ll save a lot of time and energy stressing about it, procrastinating, and then creating excuses. Not doing the work is far more work than just doing it.
I wish I could go back in time and give myself that advice!
Have you found any ways to give that constructive feedback (to stop making excuses) that has been highly effective?
Good question, James. In general, I don’t like dwelling on the excuse – either lending it credibility or discrediting it – because nobody else in their future occupation is going to accept an excuse. The first time I get an excuse from a student I focus more on the outcome or solution. For example: “OK, so when can you get it to me?” This usually conveys that I am not concerned with the story behind the lateness, only with the work.
If I get a couple excuses from a student, I might chat with them in order to suggest a few ways they can get out of this excuse rut or if they have an extenuating circumstance, we’ll come up with a solution together.
If a student becomes a chronic excuse machine, I try to get them to see that their excuses are simply excuses and the real issue is in their work ethic, priorities, or bad habits. I have found, though, that these students are usually not interested in altering their behavior, but simply want to shift the blame for their inability (or disinterest) to do the work.
Whether these are effective or not depends on the students. Some are very receptive to just being shown that excuses don’t fly at the university level. Others need a little more, and some are just going to do it until it really causes them a problem – i.e. they get fired.
That said, I do more to help students avoid this behavior in the first place. As I deal with university students, their problems often stem from their newly-acquired independent status. So I try to preempt any issues – i.e late work, failing grades, missed papers – by doing a workshop for first year students on developing solid work habits. During this workshop I press forth the idea of SMART goals (Specific, measurable, achievable, rewarded, and timed). Moreover, I make myself as approachable and available as possible and I give a reasonable workload.
Positive responses #2 & #3 are my favorite go-to approaches. And self-deprecating humor.
One challenge effectively responding to negative feedback is being able to discern whether it’s legit or whether it’s some sort of defense mechanism. Making that distinction can go a long way in making an effective response. That’s why I find so much value in clarifying questioning (#2), but not cross-examining; and restating (#3), which is an essential aspect of active listening.
Thanks Scott,
To follow your line of reasoning. I find that when some people hear their thoughts spoken back to them, they realize it’s not a big deal. Very useful add.
I appreciate the idea of asking for some time to digest the feedback. These are all very good suggestions. Thank you!
Thanks theotherbottomline,
Sometimes we feel under pressure and don’t realize we can easily solve it by taking some time. HOw many times have we allowed self-generated, unnecessary pressure cause us to make decisions we reconsider later?
Simply said…feedback is a gift.
Nice one Bob and so true.
This is always Gold to know…even though its more fun to smile and give them raspberries 🙂 Thank You!
Thanks Morgan, Raspberries are a temping delight.
Synchronicity in our posts today! Thanks for this.
Cheers and best wishes!
Nice one Dan,
you remind of a post i visited a couple of days back. where people there where taking it out on individuals personality even the individual that post the thread
Thanks umoh101,
It’s tempting to make it a personal issue. I also feel the temptation to tell others what they think or are trying to say… doh!
This post was so good I read every comment as well to dwell in the discussions. I’m emailing this to everyone up the chain in the office.
Thanks James, Your support is encouraging. Cheers!
Dear Dan,
A useful post with interesting reading!
The negative feedback from a professional colleague, superior or subordinate based on a specific act or behavior of mine is always taken with a right spirit. However, I am dragged to knowing more on the negative feedback and the reasons thereof coupled with my going on defense on a one-to-one basis while remaining silent before a group and leading to a self-analysis. I obviously get disturbed momentarily and feel that criticizers could have known the better facts before commenting.
The positive responses are self-motivating and enhances my energy levels to continue with my good work with creativity ad innovation.
There are no hard and fast rules for the ideal behavior and action while hearing negative feedback since it is situational based and depends on who is the provider and the fairness involved in the comments. The experience teaches us to remain unaltered with no immediate action. Probably, silence is the right way to listen to any negative feedback and then get ready to change your future act or behavior.
Thanks Dr. Asher,
YOu bring a whole new area of thought when you introduce public vs. private feedback. Very interesting. Thank you.
Two favorite ideas: “Feedback is a gift” and “Nobody owns the truth”. Truly internalized and taken together, they help make the hard feedback easier to hear.
Thanks Marcia,
Two powerful principles.
Yes I agree on all of these – at first thought – negative feedback really hurts!
But I usually tell myself that I’m lucky to know about it now before a bigger calamity befalls on me. Sometimes people providing the feedback might forget that you were that way. At the end of it – it’s always appreciated that you have improved over always being perfect.
Thanks Athar,
ONe of our issues is negative often has more weight and sticks with us longer than positive. Taking a breath and seeing the values helps.
This was very helpful for me. My problem is that I take it personally and I shouldn’t. But now after reading thus article I will not.
Thanks Tommy,
I think we all fall into that trap from time to time. Best wishes for the journey.
How can someone not be negative when something horrible is happening in his/her life?
See a higher/positive purpose in it?
Surely it all depends on whether the negative feedback is with regards to your work or is more personal.
I was randomly told by my boss one day that the reason i had a chronic illness was because i brought it on myself. I felt that this was unfair and as i did not allow it to affect my work, he should not have said it as an employer. When i pointed this out, he responded that he could not give me negative feedback about my work as i had had the least number of sick days than his other employees ( 3 days sick over 2 years) and i didn’t make mistakes (pointed out that i must do as everyone makes mistakes).
I naturally felt upset as he was aware of my illness and that some days i may be in a lot of pain but still managed to be a productive member of the team.
How do you deal with feedback like that?
I’ve noticed a big difference in how I receive negative feedback based on if it comes via email or conversation (phone or in person). When there is criticism via email, there is SO MUCH room for interpretation, because the reader is assigning the tone. I’ve learned there are certain people I work with who keep things short and simple in emails and it can come off to me as being upset and angry, but if they say the same thing to me on the phone or in person, their tone is actually more nurturing. Even though the words are the same, the delivery is what affects me most.
Completely agree…I have found that email delivery causes the most misinterpretation and I find myself saying, “I admit I may be over-sensitive, but this statement appears to me that ……..” When the person giving you feedback is not co-located with you, it is a major challenge.
Hi Dan,
I have come to the conclusion that as long as I can see past any personal judgement, even if the feedback is negative or inconvenient I can’t learn less from the conversation!
Regards
Gary
I recently have had to experience and work through quite a bit of negative feedback, which admittedly, I tend to take personally. It has been a lot of work going through the process, but what tends to frustrate me are #2 and #5. In order to protect the anonymity of the respondents, we often get feedback that is general.
Being an analytical person, I respond much better to specific examples, as opposed to “people feel this way about ‘x’ behavior” which, depending on when it occured, I no longer remember the specifics about the incident in question. How do you recommend I get the feedback that I need in these situations?
I can share that what has helped me not take things personally is to have both a mentor and a coach outside of my department. Both of those help provide an external view of your behavior as well as suggestions to help improve. They can also be an advocate for you as well.
What next step do you counsel after emotionally over-responding to negative feedback, making it personal? (And I’m the leader.)
I just delivered a presentation which I came away from feeling disappointed and low.
I went on for too long…allowed disruptive interference and upon self critique, scored myself a 5, 9 out of 10.
The good thing is that I truly recognised what I cannot allow myself to do again and value my own perceived fall from grace, for the lessons I believe i have learnt for the future.
My propensity to rest on laurels was also emphasised in my self adjudication and I believe that I needed the ‘clap’ I received in order to go forward with assertion and assuredness.
Uncomfortable as I feel on one hand…so grateful do I feel on the other.With this self inflicted hurt and let down, ( from my honest self appraisal) has come a stronger determination and a wariness of complacency.
How else would I have learnt about a better path to travel on?
The most pivotal person in my growth as a leader is a member of my team who didn’t agree with my leadership practices. I kept seeing some external or internal guidance for growing as a leader-which demanded a different skill set than my previous position-when I had guidance all along with this team member. This person taught me to focus on what matters, to stand on solid ground, to consistently respond as though anyone else might be reading or hearing our conversation, and to believe that I was put into this position for a reason. I am so very grateful that I was able to work with this individual. My only regret is that the feeling is unlikely to be mutual. Thanks, Dan and community-great post and thread!