How to Rise Above Gift Exchanges at Work
Obligatory gifts aren’t gifts. Generosity requires freedom.
Gift giving was magic when our children were young. Some years money was tight and we added homemade gifts to store-bought. During prosperous years we over did it.
Generosity delights everyone.
However…
Avoid giving gifts at work. If your office doesn’t do it, don’t start. If you currently give gifts at work, be a scrooge and end the practice. Better yet, find an authentic alternative for spreading holiday cheer.
Adopt a needy family and buy
gifts for them rather than each other.
Awkward obligation:
Office gift giving is an awkward obligation. Gift exchanges are obligatory strokes and butt-kisses. You end up giving gifts to people you don’t like.
If you are personal friends with co-workers, bosses, or support staff, give gifts outside the office. Make it personal and private.
5 rules for giving gifts in the office (if you can’t escape it):
- Give the same gift to everyone.
- Never give personal gifts in the office.
- Follow current gift giving protocols if you don’t have authority. Rocking the boat isn’t worth it.
- Gift giving in small offices makes sense.
- Be known for daily acts of generosity.
Giving and receiving enriches life. But, office gift exchanges are a pain in the neck.
More:
What others are saying about gift exchanges at work. “Holiday gift exchanges at work ______,” on Facebook.
What are your thoughts on giving gifts in the office?
How can organizations spread holiday cheer within the office?
Thank you Dan. We started what I labeled the “Give Exchange” at my place of work years ago. We have a culture of giving back to the community and so I decided to just continue that during the holidays. We still draw names, not obligatory of course, but instead of gifts we perform acts of kindness or charity in that person’s name. The challenge is in doing something that they have a heart tug for. It’s really something and has become one of our favorite events each year. I encourage everyone to put it in their workplace!
Thank you indie,
That is one of the most interesting alternatives to gift exchanges I have ever heard. So glad you stopped in today.
“Be known for daily acts of generosity.” Dan, these are the most important words of your whole post. Thank you for reminding everybody.
Thanks Lori,
I know you practice generosity. Thanks for making a difference.
Well Dan sorry pal but today a resounding thud.
It’s cool, not every drive is right down the middle of the fairway. Plus the only reason it feels so good to hit it in the screws, see it go long and straight is cause it don’t happen everytime a for some, hardly at all.
Anyways today just not feeling it.
Keep this short so as not to confuse the dimwitted, cool? Allegedly, we will see how it goes once I start tapping the keys!!!! Lol.
In AA, you know the program of suggestions for succesful living? You know the one that never fails if worked honestly and produces a vital spiritual experience? Yeah that one!
Well it says we have to give it away to keep it. And uh. Wha happens is, now one has to remember what is really going on here is conscious awareness.
What am I consciously aware of moment by moment? What am I thinking?
So in AA when we give away what was so freely given to us. Really doing it, then our conscious thought right then is not selfish, self serving.
And so don’t you see Like when we are forgiven when we forgive because of what happens in the moment of that action to US. The moment we forgive it changes us, our story in our own head don’t you see.
And giving gets for US… Why would you not want to give every second of every day.. What you hoard you terd, you loose.
Share your talents, your love, THAT is why they were given to you you simple idiot!!!!!! Lol
Or think like a dummy, a dimwitted lack conscious fool!!!!! They think like this??? Oh I can’t give any of what I have, I might run out?????
No idiot, what you truly gives comes back tenfold! Try it honestly one time. It is not giving to get!!!! Truly giving with no thought of return!!! Practice get good at it and see how happiness emerges out of your gut!
Just saying, just the way I sees it Olive Oil, my opinion based on my experience. Take what u like and leave the rest What you give you get instantaneously cause you mind is thinking about that what you just did? Get it?
SP back to thinking giving thoughts
Thanks Scott,
I’m a huge fan of generosity. Obligation isn’t generosity.
I am a fan of huge generosity!
When my own house in order all there is to do is give. Keeps me in the flow.
The obligation is adherence of the spiritual law, it is in the giving, we receive.
Or I can hoard my talents and gifts due to lack consciousness and watch them shrivel and dry up.
My choice!! Let the thumbs down rain!!!!! Hehe
SP
“Obligatory” is the key word here for me. I make a point all day, every day to be generous in my attitude toward everyone — that’s the spiritual part for me, given of myself. But when it comes to giving people “things,” I don’t feel compelled by any written or unwritten rules. I give “things” (or gifts) out of love and generosity. I suppose obligation is a form of generosity; but if it is, it’s a form with no heart or emotion in it — it’s the guilt side of generosity.
Also Dan hope u and others know I was not writing specific to you. Was speaking in general terms.
So for the Christians raining down with the thumbs……what do you think Jesus would be saying to you about giving if you ask him? You think he would say do it???? Or would he say decide when and where YOU think it is appropriate?
SP
I didn’t take it personally
I’d also like to “leave” the arrogant comment about those who don’t enjoy trying to read your sprawling, incoherent posts being dimwitted. As for what Jesus would say, I become more convinced every time I see you post on here, even he would tell you to go away
we never give gifts at office, except between close ones..which is rather at personal level.
Thanks kalabalu,
That makes sense to me.
🙂
Enjoyed these insights and ideas! In addition to your office gift giving insights, two phrases really spoke to me: “generosity requires freedom” and “generosity delights everyone”. It would be an amazing world if each person delighted in generosity both giving and receiving 🙂 !
Thanks Christine,
Yes it would. Sometimes the receiving is harder than the giving. Which, I think, suggests that we have a bit of a problem with pride.
Yes, pride and sometimes, for me at least, feeling “undeserving” which is a feeling I must monitor when receving🌻Thank you again for your wonderful post!
I’m honored by your transparency! I’ve had to decide to simply say thank you when I receive compliments for example. I’m finding that less is more.
Indeed 😊!
I worked at an office where outside consultants often gave gifts at Christmas. One was Jewish and did not participate. There was some grumbling from some who said it was “just good business practice.” I disagreed and was appalled at the arrogance and sense of entitlement shown by the statement.
A month or so later, one of our employees lost everything in a house fire. And guess which consultant sent her a nice big check from his personal account? THAT is generosity and caring, not a meaningless gesture.
Thanks Suzanne,
Thanks for bring diversity to the conversation. Plus a great story… Great add.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I have always disliked the idea of office gift exchanges. I stopped participating in them years ago; but could never clearly explain my dislike/discomfort. Now I can. And I love your alternative (I worked for a small company that did exactly what you suggest — buy gifts for several indigent families. It was the best thing ever.)
Thanks Scott,
When you think about, it’s not that hard to transform a perfunctory activity into a genuine act of joyful generosity. Cheers
I agree 100%
It always cracks me up when people band together to get the boss an expensive gift – employment tax.
Thanks billgncs,
Glad you brought up the “boss” thing. Ugh! I know just what you mean.
I’m a huge fan of gift giving but giving out of obligation rather than sincerity irks me. With some many office politics, protocols, religious sensitivities, etc. its increasing more difficult to be kind without being offensive or someone become jealous/insulted. I like the thought of being continuously kind and generous as it speaks all year long and so I’m not “obligated” because of a certain date. One thing I have encouraged in my work places in lieu of gift giving is community service. Truth be told, their isn’t much (more than $$) that any of us can give anyone else that they need. Its an extremely rewarding and team building experience to come together and be a blessing to someone who really needs what you have to offer them. Its something every can participate in (or not) with no hard feeiings or pressure. At then of the project you feel good and you have focused on a person or an organization who is doing good things in the community or even within you own group. Maybe your local police department has a coat drive, or your company supports the Jerry Lewis telethon. Rally the troops in your own area to support the effort in a major way in lieu of gift giving. Just think, if you have a gift exchange and you have a $10 limit and you have $10 people in your office, instead of getting them another pair of gloves you could give a $100 gift card to a local grocery story to a family in need or an organization that feeds the homeless.
Thanks Enna,
Bingo!
I agree with your advice, Dan, particularly No. 5: “Be known for daily acts of generosity.” The one office gift exchange idea I’ve liked was actually a type of bonus from the company, with the employer funding the gifts. Here are the details: http://theorganizedexecutiveblog.com/2012/11/16/the-ultimate-office-gift-exchange/
Thanks for extending the conversation… cheers
Dear Dan,
I agree that gift should be equal to everyone. And it should be given openly. I agree and appreciate your points about the danger of giving gifts at workplaces. They are more transactional in nature. The person who offer gifts expect something from whom he gives. Similarly, the person who receives is expected to help the giver. I am trying to understand what could be possible ways in order to minimize the expectation related with the gifts. One way could be sending gifts without showing the identity of giver. This can be done in the organization where gifts are expected from clients. Internally, management should create a culture of taking gifts to its employees in open forum. In such situations, things are open and also known to other people.
Problems take toll when values of gifts and donor is not known. Especially when both are hidden. To make more clarity, gift taking from the clients or customers should be connected with reasons that is known to everyone. Giving gifts without reason should be treated as hidden intention. Other way could be making everyone aware about the gift through written mail. This practice can minimize some hidden motive connected with gifts.
Thanks Ajay,
If you must give a gift at work, don’t sign your name… genius. That totally eliminates all the obligations associated with the process.
In our small office, we have lots of different cultures but we all seem to love the holidays. We do a Kris Kringle thing with a strict spending limit. And make it into a party. I’ve pulled names that I had *no idea* what to do, but still we task ourselves that it has to be special and appropriate. I find myself really thinking about the person and trying to find out more about them. It’s not strictly voluntary, because opting out would be kind of awkward. But the good thing is that all gift-giving in the office is transparent and apolitical. And if someone wants to skip it someday, we’ll work it out. I love the other ideas about adopting a family or doing good deeds in the names of others, too.
Cheers!
Thanks Catie,
I’m glad you spoke in support of #4. Enjoy!
Gift giving in many office is PURE POLITICS. Some gift givers score “schmoozing” points and are fully aware of how they are manipulating people’s view of them. Others, who are not so affluent, struggle to play this game. I was repulsed by this obligatory gift giving … I “played” along in the hope “keeping up with the Jones'” on office politics. In reality I felt that I was devaluing my sincerity.
Thanks Michael,
I’m thankful for your transparency. I’m sure others echo your sentiments. Personally, I just find it irritating.
Dear Dan,
I am in disagreement and do not buy your ideas!
Nothing is wrong if gifts are given on specific occasion in an open forum. If these are given as a token of appreciation for good work in public then it would motivate all. Gifts are part of love and affection and keep the spirit high. Official gifts need not be mixed up with personal gifts.
For example, I am on holidays and take token gifts as mark of goodwill and remembrance of the place based on individual taste then such a gesture is always liked [of more or less same value].
Official gifts are given one in a while on big festival and specific events to celebrate. These should be of course be uniform for all.
Gifts are must and should be used as a part of motivating factor.
Thanks Dr. Asher,
As I wrote this, I was thinking about the cultural differences in my readership. I wonder how much of your disagreement is based on cultural practices in India.
Oh, thanks for not buying my ideas! 🙂
Dear Dan,
A human touch with caring matters more than the culture. It helps in strengthening the bonding process officially. Things are also mutual. Nothing wrong if gifts are exchanged with a good motive.
Have to wonder if gift giving during the ‘holiday’ season is really in the original spirit in which the holiday was intended…or has the ‘giving’ become more of a commercialized grooming by those who want to sell things…bosses’ day, etc.
Even some of the more publicized ‘holidays’ tend to ring toward Pavlovian obligation rather than the true spirit of unconditional positive acknowledgement…I think I heard the Grinch say that… 😉
Thanks Doc,
I had no idea that your heart was 3 sizes too small! 🙂
But, you do have point. Small heart or not.
Beats twice as fast… 😉 (most of the time)
Excellent post for a perplexing problem. Our department picks a needy family and takes a collection of money. One year we picked our department housekeeper, a single mom with two kids. It was a very touching gift for her.
One year I gave gift cards from Target to other single moms in our department. I passed them out discreetly and told them to tell no one.
I agree with living generously day to day. One year I gave “secret sister” gifts every month to a co-worker who was struggling intensely. At Christmas I gave her a spa gift package, in which I identified myself. She said it meant more than words can say. I kept it all very quiet. My boss knew and kept it quiet, too.
I know not everyone can do this but it’s my solution to the gift-giving mentality.
And of course, to keep from being a stick-in-the-mud, I keep cash on hand for that infamous “collection” for random things.
All of these measures preserve my sanity and seem to keep me off the radar so I can get my work done. I’m not a big socializer with coworkers but I don’t want to be perceived as a Scrooge.
As an employer I always asked my employees not to give me anything because their resources needed to be spent on their family. The privilege of working with them was the best gift of all.
I really like the practice at my current job. Everyone is given the name of a coworker and they buy a toy that reminds them of that coworker. At our Christmas party each employee presents the coworker with ‘their’ toy along with an explanation of why it made them think of that coworker. There have been some really good laughs from this. Then all the toys are donated to a local toy drive. K
Outstanding post. This should be posted on every office bulletin board
Our office doesn’t exchange gifts and I’m grateful for that. My spirit of giving is not kindled by a special occasion or season – it’s in the very nature of who I am. Thankfully, our office doesn’t exchange gifts and, quite frankly, I would be uncomfortable giving out of “obligation”.
At one time I decided to participate in an office collection for a local charity. After overhearing comments from the money “collectors” as to who gave what – comparing this year’s donation with prior years – I decided to donate directly to the charity itself.
Sadly, there are those who feel “entitled” to receive from those whom they think are “obligated” to give – that simply doesn’t work for me.
Great post as usual Dan. Thanks for sharing.