How to Resolve Interpersonal Tensions Quickly
If it wasn’t for people, leadership would be easy. Unsuccessful leaders choose the ostrich or bull approach to dealing with tensions between employees. But, don’t miss the key.
The key:
Determine their commitment to the relationship.
Those who aren’t committed find fault;
those who are find a way.
After listening to a description of the problem, look each party in the eye and ask the most important question, “On a scale of one to ten, how committed are you to make this relationship work?”
The second question is, “Please explain why you chose that number.”
Optional: Please explain why your number isn’t higher.
Resolving interpersonal tensions between others:
- Create environments where respectful relationships matter. Warm and fuzzy isn’t necessary. Respect is. Talk about relationships before you need to.
- Know your place. You can’t fix it. Only they can.
- Embrace the one purpose of talking. The only reason to open your mouth is to make something better or to explore how to make it better.
- Enable people to bring up issues, problems, and challenges with a “make it better” approach. Always move toward resolution.
- Define the win. What do respectful relationships look like in this situations? Clarify the win in behavioral terms. It’s astonishing how much energy is expended on pursuing undefined goals.
- Keep the ball rolling. Intensity of tension determines frequency of meeting. You’ll be tempted to slow the process down. Don’t. Allow time for emotions to settle, but no more.
- Meet outside the office. If the situation isn’t volatile, meet at a coffee shop where privacy is available. Or, walk and talk.
- Forgiveness is an option. Can you draw a line in the sand and start fresh with a new approach? Don’t just start again with the same skill-set and attitude.
What mistakes do leaders make when they deal with tensions between team mates?
How do you deal with tensions between team mates?
“Finding a way” has always been my preference, this helps develop customer satisfaction and worker confidence. Sometimes with out guidance the workers do not see the same vision! Discuss with all parties to ensure a qaulity solution
Thanks Tim. Yes! clarify where you want to go. Have a great week.
Ab Fab! The “walk and talk” really resonates with me. I feel like I’m copying West Wing when I do it but I love the change in mood and energy of it.
On the flip side, I’ve had to do a crucial conversation over the phone before and those types I dread but usually go better than I anticipate. I always rather do video chat to convey the non verbal compassion cues.
Thanks James. It’s true. We feel odd when we adopt a new or unfamiliar behavior – Something like walking and talking. Sometimes, I find it’s best just to get that out in the open. “I’d like to try talking about this while we walk. It feels a little odd to me, but I think it might help us communicate better.”
Thanks for bringing up long-distance-resolution. That’s a whole new ball of wax.
Absolutely GREAT post Dan!!!!!!!!
Agree with every bit but two things.
First, start with ME! First person to ask the first, how committed are you, needs to be done with me in front of a mirror. Get my own house in order before looking to find fault, or great stuff from outside me. Inside jobby, first!
I have found it AMAZING to discover when I am really cool with me I find less fault and need to blame other folks from what is going on inside my head. Anyone, anyone, Bueller?
Second, forgiveness for me is NOT AN OPTION, EVER! It HAS TO BE DONE!!! Reason, have to show off my incredible selfishness here!
I USED to think forgiveness had something to do with others, UNTIL I really understood forgiveness. It does benefit others but FIRST it benefits ME!
In consciousness of the present moment the gravest error I can possibly make is resentment. FOR ME!!! Not anyone else. Not forgiving blocks me from enjoying the present! Resentments gotta go!! The way they go is, give it up FOR ME!!!!!
When my present is focused on something not forgiven THAT is my present, to myself. I deserve better!
So for selfish reasons forgiveness is always the First cause if I do not clear that wreckage I cannot be present in the moment.
The coolest place to hang out mentally is free and clear in the present moment.
Great stuff today Dan, thanks.
SP back to creating a clear and present mindset to enjoy the moment!
Thanks Scott. I like your clarity on forgiveness. In some sense or another, we have to forgive past offenses. If we don’t, we hang on to them and they pollute relationships.
“Bravo Scott”! And (Thank you) for the kind words. I often find your thoughts inspiring. ‘Keep sharing’…
The one that really resonates with me is #3 – there should be only one purpose to opening your mouth, to make something better or explore how to make it better. As a leader this is a great reminder for me and as a parent this is a great concept to reinforce with my bickering tweens. Thanks Dan!
Thanks Carrie. It’s a clear, simple, and real challenge. One I keep working to achieve.
Freak,
In case you get a spike in viewership today, it’s because I’m sharing this with my management team, as our blog topics are in alignment today. Keep up the good work!
-Kraz 🙂
Thanks krazjim. Have a great week!
I did the same thing after I read it!
thanks Lyle.
Great advice, thanks. Is there a typo in number 2? Should it be ‘you can’t fix it’? Or have I missed the message? I’m new to all this.
Thanks dylanvold. Fixed it!
It is all about people and communication.
It is a great time for me to read these advices, since I and other 15 people are working together to resolve the tension between our favorite yoga instructor and his former employer. The instructor was forced out, and our goal is to bring him back to continuously teach us.
Thanks!
Thanks Yan. It will be interesting to see how committed each party is to making a relationship work.
It’s very important to know we can’t learn everything about leadership. But if we are going to learn the most important thing, it must be about PEOPLE–interpersonal skills.
I’ve always wanted a time, place and forum to say this with some relevance: Creation is the beginning; Evolution is the continuation: Who did it vs. What happened? Evolution is change, adaption, survival, and size: Be large enough to eat anything and too large to be eaten. The survival of the fittest is the ageless law of nature, but the fittest are not only the strong. They are those endowed with the qualifications for adaptation, the ability to accept the inevitable and to conform to the unavoidable, to harmonize with existing and changing conditions…to become part of all they’ve met…and wiser for it.
Like in the great Genesis debate, the Creator is not in question, and neither is “what happened.” What’s meaningful and significant is evolution, the continuation, the problems of man…or “man as the problem.” A thought is at the heart of all conflict is a selfish heart.
Thanks Rick. You continue to write eloquently in your comments.
Let me come into conflict with your last sentence. I think there are many reasons and motivations for conflict. A selfish heart is one for sure.
Thank you, Dan, Scott and Steve. I sincerely appreciate and accept your comments–especially coming from you. God has blessed me with a full and complete life, and it’s time for me to step aside. I’m enjoying my retirement very much–which includes reading and learning from you guys. Continued blessings and success B2U. –rick
Man Rick that was Awesome!
Only question I had is what exactly are the other Leadership thingy’s besides interpersonal communications skill?
When one is a Leader they have people following them, right?
By the way Rick if you have never heard of Brendon Bruchard, think you would benefit greatly from what he has to say.
You have a very real talent expressing yourself and with 3 Billlion people coming into the intraweb in the next five years you could take advantage of your skill helping some of them with what you know….and get paid for it!!
Monetize your great skills! Others are, why not you?
Check out Experts Academy!!
SP. many thanks great stuff you wrote!!!! Hope Dan interviews Brendon!! He is really great!! Helping a lot of people.
Scott, thanks for asking about the other leadership “thingy’s” I believe are important. Since this is Dan’s forum, here’s a quick macro list: 1) Reasoning skills–so leaders invest rather than spend themselves in decision-making; 2) Bringing aboard and sustaining the “right” staff members and giving them both responsibility and authority to say YES; 3) Distinguish the difference between serving the organization vs. the GOAL of the organization; 4) Focus on personal and professional fulfillment of staff members; and 5) INTRA-preneurship…so staff members create, contribute and achieve with a piece-of-the-pie in mind.
Thanks Rick. Just remember Dan has no forum with no people here following him. He just has some words on a blog till we join in!!!!!!
Your list as usual eloquent still all looks like working with people kinda stuff.
My point is there is nothing about Leadership that is not about THEM. Nothing more important in that than communicating the them.
Hope you enjoy your retirement. Still think you could monetize your heart and skill with the 3 billion new googlers coming aboard to the intraweb soon. World needs smart folks sharing great stuff I always say.
SP
Well said Rick. Thanks!
Good morning Dan
Bullet no#3 says it all. Conversations must always be positive with the goal of making things better by inspiring others to greatness. The leaders level of success starts and ends with thier own behavior and beliefs. You ‘must’ first believe in your people. You will find that when you change your beliefs, you change your perspectives, which changes your thinking, which changes your behavior, which changes EVERYTHING… happy monday my friend!
Thanks SGT. You said a mouthful!
Apart from “those who aren’t committed find fault…” My favorite idea is don’t talk unless you’re making it better. 🙂
Man oh Man Dan Steve and Rick fired me up today!!!! Great stuff fellas thanks
Listening to Tony Robbins now, boy i love all this free stuff on youtube let me tell ya! Massachusetts dept of health study reveals number one reason folks die from their first heart attack…..dissatisfaction with their jobarooski!!!! See the level of the Leadership Crisis we are in?
80% of US employees disengaged, dissatisfied at work!!!! Deloitte recent poll!!!!
That is why there is such a need for u Steve to keep bringing it!!!
Lots of folks hurting out there, thanks for helping. Deeply appreciate your service. Starting a business and 5% of every gross dollar goes to Wounded Warrior Project. Other 5% goes to Susan B Komen. Love folks in uniform and women!!!!
SP
Just thought of a favorite quote I feel is applicable for todays post. The author is Mark Twain, it goes as follows, ” Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that. But the really great make you believe you can become great”!
I saved this quote, Steve. Great application to Dan’s post today. Thanks for sharing!
Wow I love the on a scale of one to ten. It makes the conversation and idea so much more concrete. No dancing around the elephant in the room. Puts the focus where it needs to go and then you can move forward. Another great help in making leadership better. ( for me) 🙂 Nancy
Thanks Nancy. I started out using the phrase, “Are you committed to this relationship?” That’s helpful but doesn’t move the conversation forward… The scale thing seems to open the door to conversation as well as taking responsibility. Glad you noticed it.
Best wishes for the journey.
I agree, Nancy!
I like how Dan has you first take inventory of your own level of dedication, then has you ask the deeper question of WHY you feel that way. You have to know your why…it’s the compass for all decision-making.
I am sure you meant forgiveness is NOT an option ….right??
Thanks cagodsdaughter. Actually, I think forgiveness is part of the resolutions process.
I agree with your position, Dan. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping the other person feels the pain of it. It leads to offense, bitterness and resentment.
John Bevere wrote a great book on the subject titled “The Bait of Satan.” Great read.
Defining the win is an excellent point. This should be a major focus for all leaders; providing the direction and course correcting when necessary. I would not expect everyone to have the same definition of a successful relationship.
I think “commitment to relationship” is really the key. Recently I was a moderator to a conflict. Things just fell apart as both parties had no commitment and inclination to make it work.
I like “Please tell me the reasons that….” rather than “… the reasons why…” The word why invites defensiveness.
This is a great article. I like the idea of helping people see their responsibility in make relationships work.
Thanks Kathy. I think we have to be careful of trying to save people. It makes them dependent.
Amen to that ! – If it encourages both sides to acknowledge their own responsibility for making relationships work in order to serve a common goal.
It’s hard work where people are dependent as it creates an environment of learned helplessness where dysfunctional behaviour flourishes.
Inter-dependent people who are committed to relationships in order to achieve goals…. now with that, you can move mountains.
Fascinating starting point for the conversation….those two questions! Very different than just diving into the issue. Certainly helps shape a better context from which to address the specific issues. Thanks for the lesson. I will put this one into practice….and I’ll bet it will change the tone/direction of some difficult conversations!
Thanks Steve. I’m with you. Determine buy-in before asking people to fix something they don’t really want to fix.
Great post DAn, I really enjoyed reading it and totally agree with #1 in the list – RESPECT is critical.
For me it is about recognising that whilst conflict isn’t comfortable, it can be managed all the time communication remains.
As a leader you have to become self aware – I’m okay with conflict most of the time and can control my emotions to keep dialogue going – but when I have an off-hour, I cannot handle it – so I have to be honest with people and show why my attitude or my feelings aren’t right for discussion at the moment “I’m sorry, at the moment I’m feeling angry and undermined by what occurred – I’m not in a good place to talk about this now”.
Good old Betari’s box – My attitude affects my behaviour, which will in turn affect your attitude and your behaviour… One of us needs to break the cycle. – We reherse conflict and conversations in our head to play out how they’ll work (or is that just me?)
Once I’m in the zone to deal with conflict, it has to be managed respectfully and in the open. I guess this is where 16 years as a reserve cop come into play – In times of conflict, when emotions run high – people rarely say what they mean, or mean what they say. How many times did we all yell at our parents those emotive words “I hate you, I wish I was never born…. I’m leaving” – yet somehow, we never really made it out of the porch (Gah, I was a spiteful child at times!)
In terms of managing conflict, I like to explore it and unpick.
– Listen to what the person has to say – and I mean really listen (too often listening, is really waiting to interrupt)
– Empathise – but understand the differece between empathy and sympathy… “Sorry you feel that way” can be powerful!
– Ask Questions to explore the conflict, really get into their shoes
– Paraphrase your understanding of the conflict / tension – this forces them to become the better listener and correct you
– Summarise – Summarise the outcome and decision….
Sometimes as a leader we have to make tough calls – which give rise to conflict. It’s vital not to shy away from it and accept it as a continuing part of the communication process.
We can’t be affraid of the word “Sorry” – I may not be sorry for the decision or task I’m having to perform, however I can be sorry for the emotional state people are in. “I’m sorry you feel that way and I hope we can work through this. Let me explain a little more about why I took the decision to…”
Sometimes, you go through the process and still get the barbed comment as the parting gift from people. It took me a heap of trouble and complaints before it dawned on me… In conflict, sometimes we have to stand firm and you’ll never resolve it fully.
You’ve respected the person and heard them out… that final comment from them doesn’t need reaction. As a Leader, it’s okay for them to have the last word, and for you to have the last act.
Best wishes,
Martin