10 Ways to Deal with Dark Gorillas
Pushing toward positive environments, while others pull down, discourages and frustrates leaders. What’s the use?
To make matters worse, one negative does more damage than one positive does good. It hangs on longer, too.
Organizations grow dark unless someone intervenes. But, negativity does just fine on its own. It constantly pulls downward, picking up speed on the way.
Positive environments require persistent attention.
“Your primary influence is the environment you create.”
Peter Senge
The work of leadership is building positive environments where people love producing positive results.
Get real:
Seeing problems isn’t the problem. Pursuing positive environments isn’t pretending everything’s OK.
Eternal optimists, on the other hand, can’t solve problems because they don’t see them. Negative people clearly see what’s wrong, broken, and falling short. In some ways, negative people show the way.
10 ways to find bright:
- Don’t pressure. Arguing a negative person out of negativity is an act of negativity. You can’t pressure people into becoming positive.
- Talk about the kind of environment everyone loves to work in. What is it like? How can we get there?
- Work with the team to define behaviors that produce positive environments.
- Forget about changing attitudes. Focus on behaviors.
- Go nuts over small successes.
- Unleash your dark gorilla in private with trusted friends. Cage him in public.
- Every Time you want to make a negative statement, make two positives. Does that feel like punishment?
- Confront negativity. When you hear negative statements, ask, “What makes you think that?”
- Face forward. Ask, “How can we make this better?”
- Avoid fixing for others. Dark gorillas want you to fix their problems and then complain when you do.
Until everyone is putting more positives than negatives in the bucket, you’ll have a negative environment.
How can leaders build positive environments?
Which of the ten suggestions above is most useful or important to you?
I’m a big believer in “going nuts over small successes.” I call those “confidence bursts.” Confidence bursts are like interval training for building a strong team.
KaPow! I like to let them stand on there own too. In other words, don’t celebrate a win and then kick their butt in the same breath. You can kick butt later. 🙂
Well, I like number 3.
Leaders can build positive environments by doing 4 things, if they are not done ALL BETS ARE OFF, period.
One admit we got a HORRIBLE, HORRIFIC, EPIC PROBLEM with LACK-O-EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP. 80% of employees disengaged at work is a failure of leadership at an EPIC level. If you THINK you are a leader this applies to YOU. We are failing the folks. WE, means all of us as a whole. If you do not “get” it, you do not “get” it.
Yep Houston, we got us an EPIC PROBLEM, but we also have an EPIC OPPORTUNITY. What has passed for Leadership till now is disgusting. Look at the results and put that in your pipe and smoke it. Truth hurts, then DO something about it! NOW!!!!!
Two get their own house in order. Cannot give oranges if you have apples.
Three become an oxytocin generating machine. Cortisol generators suck.
Get rid of your ANTS. Automatic Negative Thoughts. Leave other people the heck alone till you figure out what a huge job that is for YOU!!
When you do you will have empathy for other people knowing they are just doing the best they can, for now. If you had their ANTS you would most likely behave like they do! Empathy is a cool thingy, you might try it!!!! LOL
Once, IF, you replace your ANTS with ENTS, Effective New Thoughts, THEN you can become an Effective Leader.
Till then you are just a lying blowhard expecting better from others when you are not better yourself. Bad move.Get YOUR brain right first then you will be AMAZED at how you see others.
SP back to getting these four jiggy in my brain.
Effectiveness Activator
Whoops!
Number four!
The ANTS to ENTS, forgot to put a number on that one!!!
Go figure!!!
SP
EA
Thanks Scott. I’m grooving on ANTS and ENTS. Much appreciated.
You mean I caught your attention!! Dan the Man grooving and it isn’t even on a Sunday afternoon!!!! Isn’t how that song goes??? Pretty Pretty cool!!!
Have a day filled with ENTS my friend! Dual code them PROMISE they stick to the grey matter better!
SP, EA ps I am not an original guy…..ANTS discovered by watching Dr Amen. Pretty cool guy for a shrink!!! As with most of what I share FREE videos on youtube by the great Dr Amen!
ANTS to ENTS! Nicely, said, Scott! The most powerful skill we can have is to monitor our thoughts, delete the ANTS, & consciously create our ENTS. As attributed to the Buddha, “The most important skill is to discriminate.” Our most important discrimination is between what is useful & what is not.
Right Paul, so what knuckle dragging mouth breathing idiot gave ANTS and ENTS a thumbs down??? Oh the Humanity!! Lol They just never identify themselves. If I got something to say to anybody….I say it right out in the open and loud. Hehe
Guess saying I got ANTS and I love them would be kinda awkward for them.
Boy they got ANTS something awful I bet!!! Poor, poor knuckle dragger.
Thanks by the way!
I am a magnet to those who believe what I believe and as repulsive as human possible to others as an act of kindness.
They can’t or won’t hear me so just saving them time, me too!!!
SP
ANT to ENT Engineer
EA
Reblogged this on INSPIRE L.I.F.E {Love.Intellect.Faith.Elevation} and commented:
Great article with very true information!!!
Avoid fixing for others – that’s such a powerful statement. I am a person of action so it is my natural tendancy to want to fix something but it’s so true that negative people complain about it even when you do fix it. You need to empower people to fix things themselves so they have ownership in the process and then you can celebrate those small successes when things get fixed. I often tell my staff that I want to hear solutions, not problems. If there is a problem, I want them to come to me with their proposed solution. That approach seems to help make it clear that I am not going to listen to a bunch of complaining but I am totally open to fixing issues that are hindering them.
Thanks for another great post Dan!
Thanks Carrie. Empower people to fix things themselves. Kapow!
When people determine than CAN do something about it and leadership enables rather than obstructs, beautiful things happen.
Awesome…8 & 9 does for me. By merely asking for the probable solutions, you are in other words shifting focus from negativity to a higher platform of ‘ENTS- Effective New Thoughts’, and this is the first step towards getting better results and performance at the work place.
Thanks kiongozimuhaari. One of my favorite questions… “OK, I hear what can’t be done. So, what can we do?” 🙂
ENTS Rock!
Party on kiongozimuhaari
SP
EA
Great post. Not fixing for others is huge. For some of us that’s a big change we need to make.
Thanks acmac35. If you ask me. “Fixing for others” is part of the problem!
I like the #5 (Go nuts over small successes.), clearly an area I need to work on…
This is utter gold, Dan. Today’s post exemplifies the core of my present work and is a great reminder to me as I polish up the materials for an upcoming workshop.
Focusing on behaviors is big, and pays big dividends when you make that investment. Several months back I had to remind my team that everything we do is public (even when we appear to be meeting privately) and that we must always speak of everyone including our antagonist(s) with respect and consideration as if they were in the room with us. Just this one behavioral change has done wonders to enable our ability to lead toward what we CAN do and away from the negativity of what is wrong.
Thank you for adding to the conversation. I very much appreciate your commitment to respectful success, to include those not in the conversation. The only “enemy” is behavior that makes something “wrong” instead of creating a possibility to a new path; the essence of leadership.
Good stuff Dan. I have found that adding “Please” and “Thank you” to my daily vocabulary was a good place to start!
Really a terrific post, Dan.
But no one can give a more appropriate answer than Karin.
She just…………well, brilliant.
CORRECTION…………………….
She’s just…………well, brilliant.
Great list to post in my office and share with my colleagues. This applies int he classroom, the school, the workplace, church – everywhere! I especially like #4 – work on fixing behaviors not attitudes. I so agree – attitudes will change when behavior changes and they see results. I could comment on several others but instead, I’ll be sharing this on my business Facebook page! 🙂
I’m a positive person but even I struggle when faced with numerous gorillas…thank you for giving strength and encouragement through your article.
#3 – work with a team to define behaviors that produce positive environments is a worthwhile activity. I was part of an organization which took a cross-functional team and created a change story to show where we were at, where we wanted to go, and how we were going to get there. Just going through the exercise alone created a positive outlook for the team. The change story had good reception with the rest of the organization; however, it was key to maintain the pursuit of the desired behaviors.
This is my number one struggle and am so open to your input to overcome this dragon. I must admit I struggle with number 4 though. Isn’t behavior an outcome of what we believe? And I can work with varied behavior as it’s their choice pending culture and goals are the same. But a negative or ‘boo hoo’ attitude is poison to our environment. These questions are asked to gain understanding not to declare a difference of opinion btw
Thanks Sandra. You have my respect for your transparency. Just a quick not on focus on behavior. From a leadership point of view it’s so much easier to deal with things you can actually see. I don’t mean to discount the importance of attitude. But, in the end, we can say we believe in listening or we can say, everyone asks the second question before making any statements. Thanks again for your comment. Best
Dear Dan,
Loved the statement- ‘The work of leadership is building positive environments where people love producing positive results’. Point nos. 3 & 8 appeal to me the most.
Leaders will drive the team with a positive approach and encouragement. They will sense the negativity and the people, The rationality aspect is reviewed and then corrective steps are brought in the existing systems or the behavior of people who can do damages.
The best solution at times is to act tough immediately rather than to ignore the negative forces in the path of success.
#8. Let’s get to the point and dig deep or we get to have a “fierce conversation” also a little Jim Collins “on or off the bus”
This post TOTALLY reminds me of the dynamics I had between one of my parents and myself when I was younger. (especially in my 20’s)
‘Negative people want you to fix their problems and then complain when you do’
It was classic co-dependency behavior that I had unconsciously been ‘groomed’ to carry out specific roles in…until I started to learn more about the dynamics and made changes. Since it was with a family member (Parent), it didn’t happen cold turkey and all at once. I had to take baby steps and made small changes here and there, yet even those tiny changes rocked the boat big time because the other person was used to me being in the ‘rescue’ position. So I endured quite a bit of ‘punishment’ as a backlash to breaking free from some of those old roles and behaviors.
Typical and classic situation: Family member would be in emotional turmoil/dire straights over a relationship or marriage. I would be called upon to perform some sort of rescue. (in many forms) However, once I performed the rescue, it never failed…I would then be punished for rescuing! LOL For years this behavior confused me. I couldn’t understand WHY this person would ASK for my help and then punish me for helping. It made no sense to me.
A lesson repeats itself until it is learned and it took me YEARS to finally see and understand the cycle.
It also took a few years of rocking the boat before my family member could accept I wasn’t playing the role of blind rescuer anymore.
Now? It’s a far more healthy relationship. I also have a better grasp on WHEN to help and meeting legitimate needs rather then having to respond to other things that I have no real control over but the other person does.
A great portion of my co-dependency post I wrote on my blog is based on the nature and dynamics of that particular relationship.
On your list of 10 ways to find bright, #1 stands out the most for me.
‘#1) Don’t pressure. Arguing a negative person out of negativity is an act of negativity. You can’t pressure people into becoming positive.’
This one is HUGE. For many people. I know in my own life, especially with my children at different stages, have tried to argue or talk them out of a ‘bad’ attitude or ‘negative’ feelings and it really is pointless.
Also, when someone tries to argue or talk ME out of feeling what I”m feeling, it automatically sets up resistance. I’ve found that NONE of us can figure out why we are feeling what we are feeling if we are so busy having to defend ourselves from feeling the way we happen to be feeling! lol
Oftentimes, it points to selfishness in the person who needs the other person to CHANGE the feeling because WE are the ones who can’t handle it! Like when one of our children are upset, WE as parents are the ones who can’t handle it.
People do it with each other as adults too. If someone FEARS anger, it won’t be ‘allowed’ in anyone else. They can’t handle their own anger, and they certainly can’t handle it when displayed by anyone else. Note: I’m referring to nonviolent but normal and natural ANGER. It’s not a disease folks…anger is just another feeling/emotion like every other feeling in our emotional rainbow.
And here’s the thing I’ve also found, if I’m too busy having to MASK what i”m feeling because others can’t handle it? We postpone and put off identifying core issues and actually making the necessary decisions we need to make in our life to IMPROVE our feeling state and situation,
After all…our feelings really are messengers that let us know when something outside of ourselves or inside of us is out of alignment with our highest good.
Great post… those were the 2 big ones that stood out for me. : )