How to Lead Like Ellen DeGeneres Part Deux
Ellen DeGeneres is a person of influence because she’s not intimidating. The look on her face says, “I want you to like me.” It’s not a needy look. But, it borders on insecurity.
She doesn’t threaten. She’s safe, vulnerable.
Intimidation requires authority and power.
Diminishing influence:
Chest thumping, posturing, and muscle flexing may elevate power and authority, but they don’t enhance ethical influence. They diminish it.
Permission or threat:
Ethical influence is a function of permission.
Intimidation uses fear rather than permission. Influence, however, doesn’t require fear, power, or authority. It requires permission.
Influence chooses vulnerability.
Intimidation chooses threat.
Power:
Threat – the authority to hire, fire, punish, and promote – generates conformity through power. But, ethical influence requires permission and rejects intimidation.
The one giving permission is the one with power.
Intimidation depends on others feeling powerless. But, the power of influence increases as coercion goes down.
Influence requires consent.
Consent establishes vulnerability.
Intimidation destroys influence.
Vulnerability empowers influence.
Vulnerability or barrier:
Ellen engages in an exchange of vulnerability with audiences. She opens up. They open up. She’s not flexing muscle. She draws in her audience with humanity.
Leaders who flex muscle invite others to build self-protective barriers.
Self-protection ends influence.
Vulnerability – the opposite of self-protection – enhances influence.
7 ways to increasing influence the DeGeneres way:
- Avoid threatening behaviors.
- Enjoy the approval of others without being needy.
- Make it easy for others to be vulnerable by respecting vulnerability.
- Acknowledge the strength of others.
- Don’t pump yourself up.
- Choose humility – the place of service.
- Be vulnerable.
How can leaders navigate influence through vulnerability?
Well, having a clearly defined goal is a nice place to start!!!
Then if others Whys are connected then navigating the waters can be perilous but everyone is moving in the same direction.
If one really wants to stop messing around, study and Master the work of Robert Cialdini. Free youthbe video. Just 6 shortcuts to influencing and persuading others, not rocket Scientology, persuasion technology!!
Then if one really wants to Rock persuasion, google Kenrick Cleveland and study up on being a Yes Strategist.
Look some really smart Dudes and Dudettes have really studied this stuff. If you are working with a mentor who knows nothing about this stuff….time for a new mentor….if one really wants to be more effective in these areas or just wants someone who pats them on their backs for their mediocre TRYING.
Results are possible, just have to find folks getting the results you desire and open ones mind to learning from them.
I always say don’t fall in love with your mentor cause they may not be an expert in the subject matter you desire.
One way to tell if you absolutely are getting mentored by a knuckle dragging mouth breathing idiot you are better off running from is they do not admit their limitations and encourage you to seek expertise from others.
If they are not humble enough to know they do not have the best practice answers, RUN, don’t walk and find someone with an open mind and understand their limitations.
If they do not understand something and are not curious to find out….RUN!!!
None of us know everything and find a Mentor who above all are incurably curious….or don’t and be limited by them teaching you the limited spec of valuable info they think they know!!
Just my two cents worth!!!!!! Hehe
SP
EA
Thanks Scott. I’m not sure the connection with the post but your two cents have been added. 🙂
Stating ones truth is taking a chance…taking a chance sharing ones strongest held beliefs is becoming vulnerable to the opinions of others.
Also if the true goal is influence, whether being vulnerable or whatever, Dr Cialdini and Kenrick Cleveland are most excellent resources.
So somebody is here looking for vulnerable quips, see these two fellas names, go and investigate them and become Master Persuaders…they better off?
Ok something about being vulnerable. In AA we do 12 Step work. That is reaching out to others that may have a similar problem. When we follow the suggestions ALL we do is share what happened to us. Becoming vulnerable to sharing our worst moments seems the be the thing others connect with.
Generic stuff since what the 12 Steps really are addressing is the human condition where all other thought systems have failed.
Why have all the other thought systems failed? Because they really ask folks to choose the thought system.
Thing about the 12 Step Path, all inclusive.
Yeah generic, all inclusive, that’s the ticket making copies!!
Now if you like that cool, if you hate it, cool!
Take what you like and leave the rest.
SP
EA
Vulnerable has been defined as “weak”. How do we overcome that prevailing connotation? I gave a speech/presentation to a college Freshman Leadership Council (Student Gov’t) on Thursday and brought some clarity to them on what Leadership is (character) and what it is not (a set of skills). They then asked what is the one thing I would “Lead” with in my career and current business. I said “to respond with courage and be vulnerable”. That set in motion the prevailing mindset that vulnerable = weak and meek. What do you do Dan to overcome “pre-defined” words in your engagements?
Thanks Stephen. Great question. I’m so glad you stopped in today.
One reason I choose the language I choose is it challenges me.
I don’t like vulnerability but I expect those who follow my leadership to be vulnerable to me. It seems inconsistent.
At first thought, optimism, taking action, and supporting others, as they take action, may counteract the perceived weakness of vulnerability. Vulnerability as a stand alone quality does seem inadequate, even needy.
How might we define vulnerability? How about, the courage to be seen as we courageously press into the future????
Why does vulnerability seem weak?
What do we gain by pretending we are strong when we aren’t?
How might vulnerability be seen as strength?
And, what’s wrong with weak as long as there’s strength, too.
One advantage of our weaknesses is they give space for the strengths of others. Weaknesses extend leadership as long as we have strengths, too.
Hey Stephen and Dan: I hope it’s okay to jump in on your conversation about vulnerability as strength. I’ve had two experiences, one in Viet Nam, and another with respect to a doc.
I was very young and green as all get-out when I was in Viet Nam, but thanks be to God there was an old Green Beret doc who taught me enough Judo to defend myself when I went out to serve the guys. Being the bright guy he was, he knew I was more brainiac that brawn, and so he told me this: “Judo is really all about being vulnerable and using the power of the OTHER PERSON to bring HIM down.”
Now I know WE–leaders–are not trying to bring anyone down. However, the idea of vulnerability could refer to emptying our minds so it can be open to accept new and fresh ways of thinking.
Also, far and few inbetween, there was this one doc I met at a University Hospital they used to call the Harvard of the South. He was highly arrogant and actually believed he had never made a medical mistake and would never make one. He thought he was a god. Well, an old Southern doc and myself were making rounds, and we heard this arrogant doctor screaming at one of the staff docs. While I was going to get up and kick his butt, my old friend called the doc over and said,”Dr. J., Do you realize the superior of the best is the good?”
It took me some years of thought to figure out what that meant, but it speaks to the strength-of-goodness in vulnerability. There’s nothing weak about being meek or good. It’s like the saying “Good guys finish last.” It’s not true that good people finish last: Good people are winners long before the game even starts!
The fact is people don’t makes us vulnerable. We make ourselves vulnerable–open for reasons and benefits of our own…and then perhaps for others.
So true Rick- great insights!
I have heard the the expression “the enemy of good is better”- suggesting its important to know when to stop- when good is good enough. l’ve never heard- but love your friend’s quote “the superior of the best is the good”- because it introduces a social value into the equation. And it places good- which we can understand as kind, good in character and heart, on a higher plane than the highest technical or performance rating for any given task. So important and so true!
Thanks for sharing.
One of the ultimate signs of openness to vulnerability was when Ellen came out while at the peak of her sitcom career. Now THAT was incredible leadership. She literally lead the charge for women to come out in Hollywood, despite the risk to their careers (it’s not a battle that’s over yet either).
Thanks James. You make me think that a definition of vulnerability as the courage to let ourselves be seen, works.
Hi Dan- Thanks for another thought provoking post!
I think that vulnerability is associated with weakness in a view of the world based no scarcity, where there is a winner and a loser. I think that part of the challenge and opportunity for leaders is to be deliberate and thoughtful in the way they define, frame and reward “success”.
Is trying and collaborating, valued… or simply “being or getting it right”?
Are mistakes judged as failure or seen as important learning opportunities?
I agree with you- Ellen makes it safe for her guests to be vulnerable, by being vulnerable herself and by connecting with her guests, rather than judging or making fun of their vulnerabilities. They are not sparring- or competing to best one another- they are connecting. Something we humans are wired to do…something we all require to grow and thrive.
I love point number 4 in your list- “Acknowledge the strength of others.”
Sometimes leaders hold back praise or recognition out of fear- the individual might become complacent, or might inflate their own self worth and want more from the leaders….
Acknowledging the strength and influence of others, is such an important element of leadership- making it safe not just to try and to fail… but also, to excel!
Thanks again, Dan, for stimulating my thinking!
Lori
We are all vulnerable human beings. It’s how our Lord made us. Ignoring or covering up vulnerabilities allows our perfectionist insecurities to make it difficult to get close to others. People build relationship with others who are ‘real’. When we cannot share our vulnerabilities and insecurities with we send the message others are not worthy to have us share our personal sensitive issue with them. People do what people see. If people see you are unwilling to admit your vulnerabilities they will not share openly with you. Life is all about the people. It’s about how people share their lives with oneanother. Our relationships with people make us who we are, the more ‘real’ we are with ourselves and others, the better off we are for the experience.
Sorry Dan. My apologies for forgetting my manners. “Good afternoon and Cheers my friend”!!!!!
You know Dan, you have that kind of face too. 🙂
Hi Dan, thanks for the new post. really thought provoking especially all the thoughtful comments and life experiences people have shared here.
my 2 cents here – one, i think vulnerability is seen as weakness in traditional management because people see management as power. i loved the latest write up from google about what they defined as leadership – the ability to take on power when needed and relinquish when not. and management to me is a lot like that, a mentorship of people, to allow them to reach their highest potential. Management can never ever be about you – it has to be about the task, about the people and about the goal. and thus vulnerability is essential because while the buck stops here, and you take responsibility as manager for anything and everything, you also need to be open to learning everyday, while giving guidance. of course the corollary is that you know enough to begin with (lol). Each person on your team brings a set of life experiences that makes the team richer and you more of a manager than you were before.
Great point on how those who are led by threat, power, and authority will tend act in the same way. It would be more sustainable if everyone served each other instead of trying to rule over each other.