Choose Your Default Response to Everything
You aren’t always proud of default responses.
“When I feel on the spot,” a young leader said, “I freeze up. I don’t know what to do or say.”
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Three defaults:
Stress brings out default responses. I become aggressive. You withdraw. In either case, it’s often not our best self. Judith Glaser, author of, “Conversational Intelligence,” shared three default responses to stress during our recent conversation.
- Move away – conflict avoidance.
- Move against. “I’m taking control.”
- Moving with – compliance. “I’ll just go along.”
Glaser in her own words (1:42):
Planned responses require fewer apologies.
A new default:
Choose curiosity as your initial response to every leadership situation and encounter.
Curiosity always fits.
8 powers of curiosity:
- Empowers you. The person asking the questions controls the situation.
- Moves toward.
- Expresses courage and openness.
- Strengthens relationships, eventually.
- Protects organizations.
- Affirms and gives space to others. Curiosity says you and your situation matter to me.
- Elevates your status as a leader.
- Exposes opportunity.
Curiosity is the most useful initial response to:
- Anger.
- Worry.
- Surprise.
- Opportunity.
- Complaints.
- Ideas.
- Pain.
- Accusation.
5 enemies of curiosity:
- Fear and stress.
- Need to be right. (My personal favorite.)
- Quick decisions.
- Past success.
- Defensive postures.
The next time you feel like defending yourself, ask a question.
3 curiosity tips:
- Ask about the obvious.
- Declare yourself and your intentions or curiosity feels threatening to others. Don’t hide behind curiosity.
- Curiosity isn’t the answer. It’s the path to the answer. Execution follows curiosity.
Leaders deal with the nagging thought they won’t have answers. They’ll make painful mistakes.
Release uncertainty by taking the ritual of curiosity with you everywhere you go.
Curiosity is the leaders universal tool.
What blocks curiosity?
What are your favorite questions?
Added resources:
“Power Questions,” by Andrew Sobel and Jerold Panas.
“Coaching for Engagement,” by Hancox, Hunter, and Boudreau
Really like this. An initial response of “why do you say that, think that, or believe that?” is much better than denial or anger or some other defensive response. It opens a conversation. It also expresses humility: what do you see that I don’t? And since we all tend to self-reference, an open question allows the other person to declare him or herself. We learn. Curiosity is the attitude of a life-long learner.
I think if we look for them, there are opportunities to practice the “standard response” daily. Not necessarily with conflict, but in some sort of situation. If we’ve practiced making curiosity truly our “default” or planned response to any situation, then when a new situation comes along, we just have to remember to fall back on that default response. I love this idea as it removes the stress of considering how to respond — curiosity may well be the one-size-fits-all initial response, and it can lead to any other response as needed.
Thanks Peter. Your comment hit me in two places. Questions open conversations.
Most importantly, to me, curiosity reflects humility. KaPow
So much value here, but this is so hard to accomplish. To do so, you need practice, and inciting conflict just to practice would be impractical. How would you go about improving one’s ability to handle these situations with curiosity?
I think I’ll bring these ideas to a few situations tomorrow…. thanks for asking.
May I make a suggestion? For the sake of practice, curiosity doesn’t have to be obvious. I can check what’s happening for me or inside me right now. Just when the phone rings, what thought passes through me; just before I step into the meeting room, does my body contract anywhere? etc., etc. There’s a lot to be curious about before we get to verbal conflict – noticing how I stand in front of person A – do I stand differently with person B … after all, it’s all just practice, right?
(Great article, by the way, Dan)
Outta the Park!!!! Bravo kind sir!!!
The most idiotic mouth breathing knuckle dragging bafoons are those who do not know they do not know!!!!
Lots of people like this too!! They live in the two back portions of our brains instead of the frontal lobe where all the creation happens.
When we learn cool new stuff a new branch of nuerons start sprouting, like a mind map. Going over lame old stuff that does not work is no good!!
Go in your own mind where you have never gone before. Be a thought Leader, neural pathway blazer in your own head!!!
Or regurgitate old stuff that is lame and does not work very well. You do it because you are familiar with it and you are afraid of the unknown!!!
Ok go through life gutless and stupid, your call!!!
Or enter the world of not knowing and do not make curiosity your fall back position!!!! Make it your mantra as you charge enthusiastically into the unknown!!!
Yeah awesome stuff Dan!! Many thanks!!
Remember gang, 80% of Leadership if you have the stones to call it that has failed the folks!! It is not the content, really some cool content. It is lack if connection we have made with each other.
Lets find the better way together, how bout it??
SP
EA
Thanks Scott. I thought as I read your statement, “Be a thought leader,” that curiosity is the path to being a thought leader.
Absolutely Dan!!!!
Just stellar thoughts you incited today!!!!
Horray stellar thoughts!!
We would still be in caves if curious folks did not push forward.
Highly recommend Jacob Barnett’s teen Ted talk!!! Stop learning, start thinking!!! Amazing kid that Jacob!
Free on youtube!!
SP
EA
I really liked this, and I agree how hard it can be. Can you give some examples on how to respond?
Check back soon. I’ll do my best to write a post about it.
A follow up post – perhaps “asking the right questions” – would be really helpful. I know when people ask me “why do you say that” I tend to shut down. There are ways to ask questions that invite people in, and ways that increase defensiveness. I find “tell me more about what you are thinking” to be helpful…but I’d love to hear more options!
Hi Jennifer!!! Cool Frank Kern I think shared these 3 questions…..
1. Who in the world right now does this(what you are in the process of accomplishing)better than anyone else in the world?
2. What are are doing different than you?
3. What is the most actionable activity you can do tomorrow that brings you closer to what they are doing that is better than your way.
Those three just about cover it I must say!!
Success leaves clues, find those with results you desire, copy those folks!!!!
SP
EA
Thanks Jennifer. Love your observation. Just seeing that some questions work well and others don’t is a beginning. I’ll likely write more on this.
Dan, If unsure of the topic my response typically is “Let me research this and I’ll get back to you” other then that it is straight forward and to the point. Telling the truth is the best mode to develop.
Nice one, Dan. Well framed and thought-provoking. After all, all this “personal change stuff” is simply anchored to having more “considered alternative behaviors” to choose from, right?
I put up a blog on “Fear being the Mindkiller” stuff, anchored to Frank Herbert’s DUNE books: http://performancemanagementcompanyblog.com/2014/03/06/fear-is-the-mindkiller-thoughts-on-facilitation-and-engagement/
And Russ Linden put up a great blog on Government, Fear and Innovation that I reference to at http://performancemanagementcompanyblog.com/2014/03/28/innovation-and-fear-of-failure-a-blog-by-russ-linden/
My frustration is that there are so many WORDS out there about this, that and the other but not a whole big bunch of ACTIONS. But at least people are reading about some different ideas about their choices…
Have fun out there!
Thanks Dr. Scott. I appreciate your thoughts and the extending of the conversation.
You last comment reminds me of the value of simplicity in getting the ball rolling. What three questions can I keep in my back pocket that help conversations head in a healthy/useful direction?
Tell me more. (Not really a question)
What do you want to happen?
What’s important about this to you. (can be off putting unless spoken with compassion)
????? what are three powerful questions that we need to keep handy at all times?
“The next time you feel like defending yourself, ask a question.” Mind.Blown. I’m going to remember this!
Fabulous post. One of your best ever!!!! Thanks very much. Is incredibly relevant.
I think this is a wonderful tool to have in one’s box. Thanks Dan!
Diana
This is great. Something like it was taught at a project management seminar I attended some years back. The person leading the seminar called those default responses our Gorilla brain, and the stressful situations caused the fight or flight response. There, as here, the method of reaching the upper brain was to ask oneself a question. The question ran something like “Why would a reasonable, rational person say/do that?” Just by asking the “reasonable, rational” question, we immediately change the brain chemistry and access the upper brain. This seems to take the approach one step farther by asking question of others. Thanks, Dan. Another candidate for the wall.
Top of the head examples:
I understand what you have said, but can you clarify for me how that adds value to this conversation?
thank you for recapping history, I’m not sure how this adds to building a better future though, can you help me there?
I agree with your summary of the situation, i think it is fair and balanced. How do you feel though about the actions I’ve outlined to mitigate these risks in the future?
I like those points you have raised, at the end of the day do you think this situation arose due to the people involved or the system that supports them?
I think we’re in agreement on most things and it seems i haven’t articulated myself very well on this particular matter – what would you like more clarity on?
I’m proposing we take these actions, do you have others you suggest I take?
I’m open to any improvements you can suggest, happy to meet after the meeting or follow through on any leads you may have (now where the hell are they!!)
Richard
I like to ask, “What do you expect of me?” “What are your expectations of me?” or perhaps “How can I help you get to the result you are looking for?” My question, of course, will depend on the situation.
Hi Dan and all,
That is great – I have recently and often been confronted with something that I am not quick enough to react the right way. I think this will be a very good solution in those types of encounters.
Very interesting, thanks for sharing.
Until this I hadn’t realised that I have developed unconsciously certain default responses to semi-specific situations, is that a common experience, do you think?
Great post and an important thing to know and understand.
While a little off topic since this applies to conversations that you agree with but a question I always ask is “What is your expectation for completion of the task?” Most requests I receive are presented as an emergency or require immediate attention. If I agreed to this every time, focus and prioritization would be lost. By asking this question, it opens the door to a realistic timeline.
Dear Dan,
I appreciate the sentence- curiosity is the path to the answer and execution follows it. Besides fear and other related components, there are many components that can block curiosity. One important among them is Ego- a feeling of knowing all. When person thinks he does not need to know as he knows all, can block curiosity. Secondly, being judgmental before knowing all the facts, can be detrimental to curiosity. There are people who habitually prone to be judgmental ( generally negative) and in such case, curiosity to know more stops. My favorite question to know curiosity of the person could be- what motivates you to know this. This opens the intention of the person. And second question could be what you are going to achieve by knowing this. The last and perhaps the most important question could be- what can you do to learn this new things. All the three questions can be significant in knowing curiosity of the person.
I’m curious
Superb post, Dan. I’ve learned the power of authentic curiosity, a little slower than I would like to admit. Particularly appreciate your thoughts on its power as an initial response. Interestingly, as that has become my default response, those who work with me have more and more often done “their homework” before ever bringing problems to my attention. That enhances the likelihood of prompt and meaningful decision-making.
“Choose curiosity as your initial response to every leadership situation and encounter.” Great deflaut mindset.
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Enjoyed examining this, very good stuff, thankyou. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. by Euripides. bddefekdbekd