The Surprising Path to Authentic Impact
The leader you pretend to be; saps vitality, limits potential, and drains fulfillment. You won’t let yourself be seen because you fear you aren’t enough and others will reject you.
In the end, all you have is who you are.
Brene’ Brown, author of, Daring Greatly, writes, “We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.”
The alternative to vulnerability is mask-wearing.
Vulnerability is letting yourself be seen when responses are uncertain.
“I was diagnosed with breast cancer on September 11, 2001.” (Judith Glaser, author of, Conversational Intelligence, in a recent interview.)
9/11 changed Judith. In her own words (2:53):
Vulnerability is sharing yourself when:
- You feel weak or inadequate.
- You screwed up.
- You could be rejected.
- People think you know but you know you don’t.
I asked Judith what’s different because of vulnerability (1:50):
We connect through vulnerability.
Vulnerability:
- Draws like a magnet.
- Enables growth. You grow most when you let yourself be seen.
- Validates the struggles of others.
- Gives permission to be human.
- Creates we.
- Counters arrogance. I don’t want you to know about my weaknesses because I don’t want you to compensate for me. I want to be super-human.
- Teaches the most powerful lessons. Life’s most powerful lessons come to us through the vulnerability of our teachers.
- Enhances influence and impact.
- Reveals confidence, strength, and wisdom.
- Is Dangerous. Some will abuse, reject, and manipulate what you share.
Limits:
Being vulnerable isn’t exposing everything.
The guiding principle of leadership behavior is the good of the organization/team you lead – within the boundaries of ethical honesty. Everybody doesn’t need to know everything.
Tip: Don’t share things that make others look weak without their permission.
Movement:
Vulnerability engages the community in forward movement.
Apart from moving forward with optimism, vulnerability is vain self-affirmation.
Courage:
Judith Glaser on courage to be vulnerable (1:45):
How is vulnerability a factor in effective leadership?
How are you navigating vulnerability on your leadership journey?
Note: Thanks for the well-wishes and insights left on yesterday’s post. I’m back to feeling normal.
So beautiful. Judith’s story is so heartfelt. The leaders I’ve most connected with over the years are always the ones who share who they truly are. Unfortunately, so many choose not to do that, and so much is missed.
Thanks Karin. It’s so true. Moments of vulnerability and authenticity bind us together like nothing else.
Those who misuse and abuse people who are vulnerable, in the end, lose themselves.
Dan, glad to see you are back to work. I read your comments every morning looking for that “1 gem” that will make a difference. Keep the inspiration flowing!
Thanks David. It feels good to feel good. 🙂
You’re using this blog as it’s intended. Take two minutes and come away with one thought that will make a difference.
Great post Dan! I have read 2 books from Brene Brown and it really helped me get past the fear of vulnerability. I believe it is human nature to be a bit fearful of being vulnerable, but some of you (meaning not me…) are born without this fear. I think we experience that every once in a while and marvel at the ‘gutsiness’ of those people. However, I have overcome most of that fear because I am either truly getting over it or just getting old enough to not care – either way, I am getting better about it.
In my company, Honda R&D Americas, ‘Chief level’ associates are nominated to go through Honda Leadership Summit and one of the areas that is attacked pretty strongly is vulnerability. I believe that is because it allows us to become more active in leading the company (without these fears that you mention above). It is a great program and has helped me a lot.
But, back to your comments. To truly be the leaders that we want to be, and that others want us to be, we have to overcome these fears. We cannot be afraid to tell people how it really is, and what our ideas are for how ‘it’ needs to be. This is one of the main differentiators between real change/improvement and ‘Yes’ men/women. ‘Yes’ men/women provide no value in any organization and are a disservice to all involved!
I have personally benefited from embracing vulnerability. Through my leadership journey, I have put my ideas, crazy as they may be, in front of many executives and not worried about what they had to say because I knew I was right and asked them for ideas on how to make MY idea better. Most of them agreed it was a good idea and supported my direction. Additionally, many of them actually did give me help on how to make the idea better and helped me identify potential pot holes that lay ahead. It was a very rewarding experience!
Thanks for the post and I completely agree with the need to be vulnerable, and a bit fearless!
Normal huh!!?? What’s dat?? Hehe
Ok sports fans, so excited!!
Ok being vulnerable, just admit you know you know know. When it sinks in you realize or will start to the size of the job you got to get your house in order!
Want help yours truly still seeking everyday!!!
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Great day.
SP
EA
Lol admit you know you DON’T know!!! Lol. Typos. Oh the humanity!!
SP
EA
I’m a member of a group of group facilitators that meets monthly to share experiences. We’ve had some amazing, fruitful conversations about the role of facilitation, about effecting change, and holding the space for magic to happen.
One of the most powerful conversations we had came out of a simple question someone asked about how members dealt with being “caught learning.” Just the verbiage, implying that being visible and being exposed in not being the perfect expert is somehow bad, says a lot. There were strong opinions – and fears – that we were expected to be the experts in the room and so being caught learning was dangerous; there were also strong opinions that being caught learning was a powerful opportunity to lead by example. It’s a conversation that has stayed with me and was one of those pivotal moments that changed how I think and show up. I am now conscious of those moments when I am Caught Learning with a group I’m facilitating, and I try to model how it can be handled gracefully.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy or comfortable. But it’s part of holding the space where magic can happen.
Dan,
I am so glad you’ve connected with Judith- She is indeed a gem- an authentic leader and profound thought leader!-
Vulnerability is an interesting leadership paradox- when leaders perceive vulnerability as a weakness they often render themselves more vulnerable. Leaders that are authentic and unafraid of exposing their vulnerabilities- end up strengthening their influence and impact.
I think the paradox is that making peace with ones humanity and vulnerabilities makes leaders less vulnerable. Hiding vulnerabilities makes leaders more vulnerable. It can seem counter intuitive- and so it takes courage and a leap of faith.
Thanks Dan!
Lori
Excellent post.
I hope you are feeling better â
Islara
Islara B. Souto, MPH
[http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4596105878769008&w=155&h=168&c=7&rs=1&pid=1.7]Regional Director
Miami-Ft. Lauderdale
305-905-4468
I appreciate your thoughts on vulnerability. It’s a good reminder to be yourself.
Great post Dan! So vulnerability = overcoming the fear of my imperfections being exposed. Geesh, and I thought I was vulnerable 🙂
Great stuff Dan. Vulnerability is necessary for building relationships and teams. The only downsides I’ve seen are when people are too vulnerable (you nailed it), and when people admit vulnerability and allow it to render them effectively catatonic. People have to be able to admit their vulnerabilities, but still take charge and lead.
I believe vulnerability plays a critical role in effective leadership.
It seems that there has been this belief that it’s not OK for leaders to be vulnerable or to reveal certain aspects of themselves because it might interfere with respect or viewed as weak instead of strong, etc. However, it is this very thing that helps contribute to the ivory tower syndrome and to the severe isolation and loneliness that so many leaders face in life. It causes a major disconnect in human relations. The heart of our existence!
I love the 2 audio examples you shared. Based on what I shared in my comment yesterday about things don’t stay neat and tidy in the past called childhood, what Judith shared reinforced that same idea when she said that family didn’t know for a long time just how long their own mother was suffering with cancer because people weren’t talking about it. ‘Suffer in silence’ beliefs. Lack of communication is very dysfunctional n families and equally dysfunctional when it’s carried into the workplace culture and environments. Which is exactly what happens because people don’t have a special on and off switch that allows us to miraculously become FUNCTIONAL if we are chronically dysfunctional in our communications in our personal life.
I was just rewatching a human portrait in film that my friend, Nic Askew, recently made called No Place To Hide >> http://nicaskew.com/collection/no-place-to-hide
It occurred to me that it also touches on the very nature of this vulnerability of ‘being seen’. The film subject briefly shared her experience of how she had spent most of her life hiding and not being seen. She also shared how easy it was for her to see OTHER people yet difficult for her to be as open with others.
And that is what can interfere with the connection between and leader and his/her people. If a leader is closed off and has the expectation that OTHERS need to be vulnerable but is unwilling or unable to risk being open and vulnerable themselves, it prevents connection. It ultimately interferes with trust.
We can’t (or shouldn’t) EXPECT from others what we are unable to do ourselves, especially if we are occupying a leadership position somewhere.
Great list Dan. And glad you are feeling better. : )
Hey Samantha. Check out The Theory of Awesomeness!!free on Youtube!!
Think you are really gonna like Vishen!!!!
SP
EA
Thanks Scott. I’m somewhat familiar with Vishen and Mind Valley. I took a Qi Gong internet course a few months ago and although it wasn’t directly through MV, I somehow managed to acquire an email subscription of MV and messages from Vishen.
Cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started a video by the guy that teaches that class. About to buy Vishens class!
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I watched a GREAT video last night on their youtube channel by Doc Burham!!! Wowza was that great!
Anyways take care and thank you again for your thoughtful and insightful contributions.
Always make me think!
SP
EA ps if you see them selling something in a few months called The BLT you know I was able to get to talk to Vishen. When learning who does not want to retain and comprehend up to 68%? I mean really?
The BLT huh? The bacon, lettuce, and tomato universal ‘secret’? (grins)
I’m JUST playing…couldn’t resist…. : )
Lol it is not secret!!!!
But the name is easily associated to just what you wrote!!!
Once that attention is created the mind opens slightly and I can share what my BLT does!!
Thanks for the belly laugh!!!
Take care blue eyes!! Hehe
SP
Today’s post reminds me of something that I watched last night, in terms of vulnerability and exposure. It was three people who revealed themselves on video, by removing their makeup (two women, and one man). It was courageous to step out in such a vulnerable way, and they said that they did it to be an example for and to help others. Yes, it is a campaign to sell makeup, but it was both inspirational and effective, I think. Camo confessions… Anyone else see it? Personally, not sure I could do it. Thanks for another insightful post today Dan. I read you every day.
Remembering that we are all vulnerable is some way reminds us to be humble.
CORRECTION: Remembering that we are all vulnerable IN some way reminds us to be humble.
I agree, yet think a high trust, high integrity team is essential. I have seen a destructive side exercised by some who abuse this sort of vulnerability.
The beach is beautiful… an awareness of sharks -even jellyfish – is wise.
Glad to see you’re feeling better Dan! I have a hard time being anybody else than who I am, yet I can relate to the fears associated with doing this. Thank you for this insightful post Dan.
Diana
After spending most of my life working in ‘sensitive’ fields, it still shocks me that vulnerability is now used as a ‘marketing’ tool. The truly vulnerable are not putting that up for show, so yes, trust can be a big issue. Am personally just glad that I was not born in the United States, where it seems nothing is sacred, and everything is for sale, but it has certainly been an education. The world of competition has nothing to do with a world of compassion, the two are simply incompatible.