Saying Yes is Harder than Saying No
Don’t pat yourself on the back if you’re skilled at saying no and lousy at saying yes. Weak leaders hide behind bureaucracy and love making people beg.
The more times you say no, the more powerful and protected you feel.
“Definitely not,” is quicker, simpler, and easier than, saying, “Tell me more.” But…
A quick “no” devalues and deflates teammates.
5 reasons leaders consistently say no:
- You have the wrong people on the team. Leaders release the right people and restrict the wrong.
- You prefer the safety of the status quo. “Yes” upsets things.
- You haven’t clearly articulated mission and vision. Off-the-wall suggestions indicate the people in the ranks don’t see the big picture.
- You minimize the value of diversity.
- You don’t want to look weak by saying yes, too much.
The good side of “no” is it protects.
3 dangers of off-handed yeses:
- Diluted resources.
- Distracted focus.
- Divided energy.
Leaders who can’t say no end up over-committed, under-appreciated, and ineffective.
Saying yes skillfully:
Forward moving leaders embrace the inconvenience of exploring yes. But, saying yes to everything is foolish.
Rather than a quick no, explore yes.
8 questions to yes:
- What are you trying to accomplish?
- How does this align with mission or vision?
- Who does this idea impact? How?
- How will this impact what we are currently doing?
- What resources are required to pull this off?
- How does this move us toward simplicity and clarity? But, remember new ideas often feel complex at first.
- Is a test-run appropriate?
- How will we determine success or failure?
Leaders who say yes end up doing what others want. That’s a good thing.
Leadership tip: Save time and maintain stability by developing and distributing a series of questions that every new idea must answer.
Added resource: “The Idea-Driven Organization,” by Robinson & Schroeder
What does an “exploring yes” system look like to you?
So often we are told that saying No is powerful and liberating, and it is – in the right circumstances. But as you point out above, saying Yes is equally powerful. Discernment is the tricky part which you add clarity to in this post – thanks again Dan. 🙂
Thanks Stuartart. Here’s to learning the skillful way to say yes!
The eight questions to ‘yes’ do assume the user has altruistic motivations and intentions. On the otherside of the coin, there are those who would use these same questions to delay and obfuscate their real intentions and motivations. One should take heed that you need to have developed a trusting relationship with another to be sure the questions to ‘yes’ are being used to further mutual goals.
Thanks Gerry. Powerful addition. I wonder if there is a way to address this issue?
Could we put a timeline in place to address the delay tactic? New ideas will be addressed in X number of days, for example.
Re: destructive motives. How might this issue be addressed?
When having discussions with my women if they are worried it might fall into that habitual saying no and not listening or having a longer talk I’ve asked them to preface it with “before you say no”. This reminds to sit back and listen with an open mind and then often that no becomes a yes.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Nancy. Just saying, “Before you say no,” to yourself, may be enough to protect against the off-handed “no” problem.
If I can mirror and summarize your points: 1) Don’t say “no” to assert power 2) Don’t agree unless you have the resources and will to actively support the proposal as being one that will advance the organization’s mission.
The second point is vital to success. Simply agreeing to something is not support. When a leader agrees to support a cause, he/she must remove resources from a lesser cause to direct them to a more important one, or both will causes will suffer. Many organizations are extremely busy and quite ineffective because they attempt to do too much – simply because the organization is not mission-focused to the place where it sets aside good things to accomplish the best.
An excellent, thought-provoking post, Dan. Thank you.
Thanks Marc. Brilliant observations. I see your idea about support. Some initiatives require lots of support because of risk. Others may just be simply, “go ahead.” So much depends on the resources required and the risk involved.
I’m just now remembering the book, “The Idea-Driven Organization” That would be a useful tool as well. I’m going to add a link to the post. Thanks
I appreciate how you explored this topic.
Yo D, here is the thing.
Make what you want SO COMPELLING not getting it is ONE of the smallest increments that can be measured MORE than you do not want it! That is how simple it is to decide to go FORWARD!
That is all one needs! Just want what you want more than you do not! THINK about what you want! See it HUGE in LIVING COLOR!!!!!!!! Juice that baby thought up!!!!!!!
You do THIS and you can smash through walls.
Or be weak and lame and a sissy man if you are a male and the opposite of that if you are a gal and spend your time doing this in the opposite way and talk yourself into doing NOTHING, you LOSER!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
Do not be a LOSER!!!!!!!!!! Think EPIC thoughts to your self and GO DO!!!!!!!
You will FAIL, seemingly at first! WAKE up.
That Dude who made the light bulb to SOME failed 10,000 times!!!!!!!
To him, he just was figuring out what would not WORK!
START, DO, Figure out what WON”T WORK, and KEEP GOING!!!!!!!!!! Only way things truly get done!
JUST DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We all have SO MUCH more we can do if we just DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just do and see your ceiling is Unlimited! It really is!
What you see is what you get! just see HUGE COOL STUFF, just like me!
I suggest you join the Movement to Better, gonna shift a paradigm and join the World!
Stay tuned! You will SEE shortly.
SP
EA
MAn, this is so simple! I messed it up!!!!!!!! LOL Just make what you what a little bigger than what you do not! There there it is! use it! Create your EPIC Future! Believe!
Thanks Scott. I think the idea here is we may either deal with leaders who are too quick to say no, or, we are the type of leader who feels better saying no than saying yes.
Yes Dan, I hear you. What I am saying is create a belief in oneself so strong, so compelling that it DRIVES you act. Those no’s will turn into Yes’s.
Remember Think and Grow Rich? The little girl goes to the slave owner and says, My Momma says give me 50 cents?
He draws his hand back to smack her, EGO FILLED TERD that he is.
She instead of flinching BECAUSE OF HER BELIEF, the EPIC LEVEL of it, stared him straight on the eye and repeated her burning desire.
He have her the money.
See weak, losers go about asking……with the expectation of hearing NO!
I wish they could come ask me ANYTHING!!!!!!! NO every time. EVERY TIME!!!!!! They give weak lame requests they get right back what they asked.
ASK and you RECIEVE!!!!!!!!!!! Not whimper and expect to hear NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now a STUD, with STRONG BELIEF comes at me KNOWING they are not going to be denied, THEY get listened to.
Anyways here I AM on the Greatest Blog about Leadership on the intraweb.
Stating my Truth, going to end Global Poverty, Will Warmly Welcome help.
Instead get four thumbs down. Now I am NOT criticsizing the thumbs down rating system. You asked me to no longer comment on that, duly noted, NOT doing that. Just making an honest observation, not being critical.
I just think it is a sad state of affairs when a guy is coming out of no where to compete such a noble and worthy goal that not one person said, “I have no idea what you mean and frankly you sound like a nutjob, but I HOPE YOU SUCCEED”! “Good Luck”!!!!!
No questions like, that sounds ridiculous, how do you think you are gonna do that?
I will gladly share and it makes PERFECT sense. Those who ask me to share look at me in astonishment and ask me , “Why didn’t anyone else think of that before”?
It is simple, the paradigm I am going to shift is filled with insiders who can only see trying to do their way better. My way comes from the outside of their box. Simple and easy.
Anyways, just found that sad and interesting. I mean really who does not WANT me to succeed. We all LOVE poverty and kids dying of starvation and dehydration and living in conditions that are awful????? REALLY?
Come ON, I just DO NOT BELIEVE THAT!
You could be the first Dan, I will email you exactly, precisely how poverty will vanish.
Just ask I will email you, then you tell me if I have not found the missing link!
CYA,
SP
EA
LOL was a bit on a roll! Not too long though, trying, I really am! Ok meant CHANGE the WORLD, wanna help???
It is gonna be SO COOL!
SP
EA
Dan,
I love the article. I work in an environment where “yes” is an invitation to force people to do more even if it means increasing the time they stay at work. It’s hard to break the “no” environment here for that reason. The team I manage is very careful who they say “yes” to for that reason. I will be sharing this article with them, thanks!
Thanks Ken. You remind me that sometimes “yes” can be punishment. I know people who stop offering ideas because they get punished when they do. I think organizations lose when ideas stop flowing.
Perhaps part of the issue is where do good ideas come from and who implements them. The answer to both is typically the people closest to the work.
the “yes but” works too
yes, but project xyz will slide or yes, but I need abc to meet the deadline.
Thanks Billgncs. Yes… that seems like an inclusive, big picture response. I wonder if “yes and” also works?
The yes but was first developed for children –
if you say no, they can explode and you set up a confrontation. So if you say yes, but – you are agreeing
and deferring and letting them help set priorities.
You said a mouthFULL there…WHEW! Great post.
Thanks Enna.
A good post Dan. Sometimes having systems or questions to measure up against new ideas squashes them before they’re even out of the gate. One mustn’t undervalue instinct and going with your gut.
Diana
Thanks Diana. Wonderful addition. New ideas are like tender babies. If we expect them to run before they crawl or walk, we’ll kill them before they get legs.
Great article! I believe the word “yes” is the strongest word in the English language. It solidifies commitment and ensures action. There is no better way to stifle creativity in an organization than always saying no to those on your team.
Dan…your posts are always so timely for me. I suppose it’s that old law of attraction at work. This particular post helps me to figure out how to get others to say yes. Don’t have much to add today other than to say…..Thank you so much for what you do….and thank you to the LF community for your insights and always challenging me to break out of my comfort zone or the easy way out to find solutions. Have a great weekend!
Great thoughts, Dan. One of my mentors taught me what I believe to be the single greatest question a leader can ask when presented with a new deal (usually from outside the organization): “Why am I so lucky to be hearing about this?” What an excellent primary filter!
However, outside of the malignant nature of negative answers with respect to intra-team dynamics, wouldn’t you agree that “NO” is perhaps one of the least utilized words in our current socioeconomic climate? Our culture of tolerance and entitlement has made the utterance completely unpalatable. Without the essential boundaries that the word “NO” provides, are not individuals – and, by extension, the societies which they comprise – in danger of continual and irreversible degradation?
Saying no is the easy answer. Leaders who consistently say no are overpaid.
We get into a comfort zone by saying no. Comfortable in the thought that we need not stick our neck out and do things which we feel is not our cup of tea. But in the process we forget the great opportunity some situations throw at us. Opportunity to learn new things, develop skill sets, build bridges etc;
Learning to say no is also a sign of a mature leader, rather than a people pleaser leader. Some leaders are only there because people know things will get done if they go to that person, even though the task is not helpful towards the goal or maybe just a waste of time altogether.
Your piece about how ‘yes’ gives power to the team is a good point, and no can reduce creative idea generation. Which is just innovative problem solving and generally a good asset on any team.
‘No’ is good when there isn’t necessarily a problem to solve though, and change isn’t helpful.
You have a great grasp on true leadership and I always look forward to seeing what you have to add next. Thanks for the always insightful articles and motivation to keep creating the world that ought to be.
I like to offer a related/parallel input regarding saying “yes” or “no” within the general context of your article. One of the best leaders that I ever had the privilege of working with had a very simple response when you went to him with a question. Before you could even ask the question, he would say “The answer’s yes, what’s the question?” The first time he said that, I was taken aback, then I chuckled, and then I realized that this was his way of basically saying “tell me more.” Regardless of whether you ended up with a “yes” or “no” relative to what you wanted to discuss with this person, you knew that he would always hear you out, and he always did. It’s a tool I’ve used on many occasions, and serves as a great icebreaker with new team members.
I am always preaching the ‘Yes, please tell me more’, but often it’s a natural habit to go into a conversation that is more of an argument where you have to have the sharpest knife to won. We are evaluating ideas too early, we should just let them grow bigger and stringer before we look into them in details and pull them apart.
Another great article, and another great reminder for me. I’d like to provide a counterpoint… I worked for many years under a boss that NEVER said “no”. All opportunities and ideas were pursued with full force. In my opinion this kind of “yes” was the total opposite of the graphic that accompanies this piece. This kind of “yes” was borne out of fear, not courage… fear of making tough choices. It was a true weakness, and showed an inability to discern good opportunities from busyness. Our team was stretched beyond comprehension, burnt-out and exhausted as a result. There is just as much danger in compulsive “yes-ing” as there is in compulsive “no-ing”!