A Surprising Way to Connect with Your Team
Feeling alone is the result of isolation. Those who feel misunderstood live behind self-protective barriers that keep others out.
Once a month I meet with a group of leaders to strengthen connections, clarify focus, and develop our leadership. We spend at least half our time eating, talking about movies, families, and stuff we’ve done. The rest of the time is focused on leadership.
Some were surprised and others a little uncomfortable with this month’s agenda. I asked them to give me feedback.
- Name two things I’m doing that enhance my potential.
- Name two things I’m doing that hinders my potential.
- What one thing should I do more?
- What one thing should I stop?
- What would you struggle with if you had my position?
Here’s a sampling of their responses.
Positive:
- You take immediate action when you receive actionable feedback.
- You see and develop the strengths of others.
- You make people feel appreciated, not taken for granted.
Negative:
- You lose focus and get distracted.
- You put people on the spot.
- You get too occupied with logistics and miss opportunities to connect.
Surprise:
They like seeing my emotional side. When something touches my heart, let it out. This is about compassion and kindness, not blowing up.
Observations about the meeting:
- We feel like we’re on the leadership journey together.
- Leaders don’t receive feedback if they don’t actively seek it.
- Honest feedback is encouraged by openness and blocked by excuses.
- People feel valued when you listen and explore their feedback.
- Your feedback tells me what’s important to you. Their observations reflected their personal values. Several are more attuned to the reaction of others than I am.
- We’re building an environment where sharing positive and negative feedback is normal and welcomed.
- We’re creating a culture of self-development. I’m modeling the way not pointing the way.
How can leaders lower protective barriers and let others in?
If you had a meeting like this, what feedback questions would you ask?
One of your first sentence key words is “meet” — in our internet global reach world I fear we have somehow lost the “meet” in the midst of communication techniques like voice-mail, e-mail etc.. While these things have a constructive place/role, the relational aspects of leadership are –in my mind — something we’re loosing. There is something about seeing a persons expressions that transcends written and verbal communication and helps you see their mind, heart, sensitivities, strengths, even vulnerabilities…
Getting back to your point, we can’t be followers of models we never see.
Thanks Ken. Absolutely! There is power is eye to eye meeting. I’ll add that the social aspect is just as important as the leadership aspect. Powerful last sentence!
I loved YOUR questions. And their responses gave me even more insight into you.
This may be just a little off topic. But I’m thinking about how powerful it is just to be able to ask questions. I work with experienced teachers who are mentoring future teachers. In a way I mentor both the future teachers AND their mentors. I believe the best thing I do for them is give them the freedom to ask questions…ANY questions. I tell them that there is nothing that can happen to them in the classroom that hasn’t already happened to me at least once. I tell them a really embarrassing story to prove it.
In my profession (teaching) the number of new teachers who leave the profession is staggering. We can go a long way toward correcting this mass exodus, if we just give them the freedom to ask questions without feeling threatened. Approachable mentors (leaders) are priceless.
When we ask questions AND feel welcome to do so, we can learn. We can grow. We can improve. We feel valued. We build relationships. We will stay in places where we can experience those things. When you stay in a profession like teaching you can make an extraordinary impact on he world.
Thank you for sharing important questions we can use.
Thanks Dauna. The idea of telling an embarrassing story transforms relationships and gives freedom to others to be real. It’s not all about weaknesses and failure. It’s about the journey… I’m thankful you shared your story with us. Cheers
I like Duana’s view “Freedom” something that covers the entire Gambit for many if not all individuals in some form, just look around the world, people just want to be free! Freedom to Lead, Live, Love, and have a life would make so many people happy!.
Thanks Tim. To summarize: Leaders create environments where people are free to say what they really think, free to follow their passion. I know we aren’t going down the path of love children from the 60’s. This freedom, in the end, enhances performance and fuels excellence. Best to you
Correct Dan I was not implying the 60’s path, “feelings” was my intent as compared to “free expression of” although some could interpret that path using the broad comment with “Love”. 🙂
This sounds like a great approach!!! I am planning to use it—more—
SHGray
Thanks Sonya. You have my best for the journey.
Great post, Dan and that is already leading to some excellent discussion here. As Ken says, “Meet” is a key word. Duana’s thoughts on mentoring and providing a comfortable environment where people feel the freedom to ask any question is also good. In a way you and those you meet with monthly are perhaps mentoring each other without a formal mentor/mentee relationship?
You also mentioned that your group spends time talking about things other than leadership in y our meetings. I think that is key to making meetings work and creating the atmosphere that gives people the freedom they need to openly ask questions and participate in discussion.
Due to budget constraints, I started bringing my tiny team home so we could have a meal together and discuss our objectives and goals, issues and achievements together a couple of times a year. Today I could probably get a budget so we could go out for a meal, but we have been so successful that I see no reason to change this winning formula. It’s probably not something that would work for everyone but finding a way to create the right atmosphere will work wonders for leaders looking to help their teams pull together towards shared success.
Stay safe,
Always Care,
Paul
Thanks Paul. It’s great how you took a problem and created a solution that endures, even when the problem disappeared. One of the things we do is take turns hosting the meeting. Plus, we don’t want participants working hard to provide refreshments so we buy subs or pizza and bring our own drinks and/or chips. We keep it very simple.
Opportunities & intelligence & Creativity. I find exciting questions.
There are open, semi-open and closed questions! There are simple answers
or multiple answers (options).
Yes / no-questions (dichotomous questions) allow only two possible answers.
There are educational and psychological quality standards for specific issues
(aspects) that you can apply.
With questions can suggest and demonstrate alternatives playful.
The good thing about questions is that you can guide with them (Execute / results)
and / or the prospect of change.
From up something sometimes looks quite another – the eagle eye. 🙂
With questions I can give direction and / or send a message.
Supplement option liberate the mind.
Questions can open up spaces (creativity / intuition).
I especially like the questions that they open the mind … beyond borders.
Learn to fly …
“For every door that closes, there is another that opens.”
To ask, means sometimes will be the beginning …
Happy weekend – Beate
Thanks Beate. Just a quick note on guiding with questions. When I asked What am I doing that hinders my potential, I’m not asking what am I doing wrong. The question has an assumption that the participants are interested in my potential and to some degree are committed to help me reach it. BTW, that commitment is shared by all participants.
Thanks Dan. Good to be reminded again of it! Genuine coexistence and welfare.
Just real championship 🙂
The nice thing is the promotion – I see it quite as development
or further development of thought.
*The truth is – such as always – be far more amazing*
Dan, please recommend books or other articles that would help me learn more about this approach. Do you review the same set of questions each month? I’m weak in this area and need help.
Thanks Calvin. I’m not aware of any books on this. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
I don’t use the same set of question for each meeting. This was the first time I used them and we’ve been meeting for about a year and half. The agenda and topics change for every meeting.
I read the post again and understand the agenda isn’t the same monthly but still need help. Thanks
Hi Calvin, I think I need to write more about this topic.
I’m going to think about this for a bit and come back later today with the questions I would ask. I’ll ping you (Dan) via email to get your feedback on the questions and perhaps your own answers.
I thought about what questions I would ask and what purpose could stand behind the question (purpose / function), here is a small selection:
First I would ask me what I know and what I do not know (and what confuses me)
and I try to look at the issue from all sides.
I would ask myself, what was the intention may be linked to the question.
It could be possible that I can answer my own question, as I look at them from all sides. (?)
But this is not the question? Where a question can always be stimulating thoughts.*Smile …
A new approach could help me to see things I could not see before,
so new solutions might arise.
I would ask questions that move things and solve problems.
I ask questions regarding its that promotes the meeting.
I think about how the topic of conversation with problems in connection
or in communication, which the company is facing.
I would try in the future to watch and ask questions about how the company needs
to adapt in the future and what great hurdles to be overcome in order to succeed.
I would try to get the core or closer to the goal with counter-questions.
Counter-questions are still strongly encouraged, or?
I would ask for success or what has worked well, and can look like a positive development
I would ask what is important to them?
Once I know the advantages and benefits, and the specifics
I ask about how to implement it. What are the timelines?
What kind of work (tasks) would you perform in this position (how) and which do not
want to run! What would they change? Where do you see the potential?
I think this question reveals strengths and weaknesses that can be expected and
may indicate ways.
What do you think, how this job / task in the next 5 years will need to change? And in 10?
This question reveals how a person reacts to changes and whether they can plan ahead.
My favorite question would be:
When is it okay to break the rules?
I think this question is great to filter out their ethics and values and whether they can
adapt to complex situations or needs, what is really going or where one is being stubborn.
I hope the questions are intelligent and I have understood the issue correctly?
And so I have you properly understood?
And what you think now ?.
I’m looking forward to the feedback
… or a desired reaction, the answer to the question, because the team alive? 🙂
As always makes learning with you Dan – Joy. Beate
Openness I like that. I was in a meeting with senor leadership recently I actually asked for the meeting. My up line was doing things without my knowledge, I would find out what was going on from the down line. When asked about the what or the why, I was told to resign. This all happened before the senor manager. Of course I knew the manual, my one up could not do that. When it was all over I got was an apology. My recommendation to senor management was to eliminate that layer of the up line. The phase out stated a month ago. Productivity is a precious commodity now a days open communication works best for all!
Thanks Ron. I’m glad you had success with open communication. You sound courageous.
I love the quote, “Model the way. Don’t point the way!” This puts the leader in the trenches with the others. Relationships are formed in the trenches.
Thanks Vicky. I love the quote, “Relationships are formed in the trenches.”
If I had a meeting like this, I would ask if I’m being bling on anything from the other person’s perspective. Also if you feel or hallucinate any “elephants in the room”, I’d think it’s best to mention it.
Thanks Michael. The elephant in the room conversation takes a lot of trust. One way to break the ice might be to prime the conversation by preparing someone to speak up before the meeting starts. Getting the ball rolling can help.
These are good question and generally a good rubric for feedback. Managers who only get (or only remember) positive feedback – or who devote a lot of time to justifying why they do the things that get negative feedback – need to check their privilege. I hate to see managers ask for feedback only to go for the throats of those who respond honestly.
Thanks Kate. The way we receive feedback is the most important think about it. 🙂