How to Change Lives with Two Words
Tell people they’re inadequate long enough and they’ll believe it. Undermine their confidence with constant correction, tweaking, and complaints and they’ll pull back.
Fill people with confidence and they’ll act with boldness.
Believe:
Confidence is built on belief.
In the context of doubt about my blog, he said two words no one ever said to me. “Trust yourself.” I often rely on the words Martin Zwilling (@StartupPro) spoke over the phone that day. He probably forgot the conversation, but I haven’t.
He heard the doubt in my voice and pointed me to belief.
When you see worry and hear doubt, ask, “What do we need to believe.” Facts help, but only belief answers doubt.
The door of possibility swings on hinges of belief.
Gobbledygook:
Martin didn’t say, “You can do it.”
“You can do it,” is like water off a ducks back to those who lack confidence. In reality, people lack confidence because they don’t believe they can do it.
Telling them they can, when they think they can’t, is gobbledygook.
Personal:
I’m a man of faith so faith in God is the ultimate belief. Faith in God is a foundation for believing I have a place, talent, and that my life matters. Please note that if you’re not a person of faith, “Trust yourself,” still applies.
7 confidence builders:
- Confidence in yourself builds confidence in others.
- Let your joy out. Share how you love your organization. “You know what I love about working here? …..”
- Believe in others. But, more importantly, help them believe in themselves.
- Celebrate the the qualities in others that make them different.
- Explain the big picture.
- Show people where they fit in.
- Say, “Trust yourself.”
Bonus: Build a track record of small wins. Telling others to trust themselves to swim when they’ve never been in the water is foolish and dangerous.
How can leaders build the confidence of others?
So glad to finally be able to read these again!
Thanks Beth. Best wishes
Leaders build confidence by asking less of “give me a status update” and more of “what can I do to help? Any obstacles or needs I can help with?” Leaders have to live the trust, not just mouth it.
Thanks James. Reading your comment reminded me that a status update is something about the past…how can I help turns toward the future. Thanks man!
Great post. Shared it as sometimes trusting yourself is all you have.
Thanks Peggy. Truth.
I love the simple wisdom in the words “Trust Yourself.” Because it gets right to the core of the issue.
I remember reading about how much better it is, as a parent, to encourage your child to be proud of their efforts and accomplishments, than it is to only tell them you are proud of them. And how it’s better to praise a gifted child’s hard work rather than to praise their “smarts.” “You’re smart” is as nebulous or more so than “you can do it.” It’s not really quantifiable and it doesn’t engage the soul. Either of this statements given to another will often produce a state of doubt and disbelief. You say I’m smart, but I don’t really believe it. You say I can do it, but I don’t see how. To be proud of your work, or of yourself, you must engage and become a part of the reality – and seriously take pride. “You did an excellent job, you should be proud of your hard work” has a different feel. Being “smart” is subjective. “You can do it” is also subjective. “Trust yourself” and “be proud” are directions. I’ve used this principle with my kids, and now, in their mid-teens, I feel I can see the fruit of that. They’re really not that lost when it comes to what to do with their life and their work ethic.
I think “trust yourself” is much like “you should be proud of your hard work.” It helps take lip-service off the table and out of the perception. It helps the soul accept, embrace and produce a different state of being. It helps you engage your own soul and gives you a direction to work from. And that internal state is the core of everything, isn’t it?
Thanks Julia. I’ve always believed in praising hard work as much as or more than great results. The first time I read about this was in Deweck’s book: Mindset. There are tons of great insights there.
What we are on the inside is the most important thing about us. 🙂
Most managers don’t care two hoots for hard work. There are management books that specifically say that hard work/diligence are not what you look for, but a flair for getting things done, any how and any way. All that matters is the result, the bottom line. They will trust their staff, and nail their hands to the floor if they fail. They change lives with two words: “You’re fired”.
I like the way you expanded Dan’s post to include ways parents might use this encouragement with their families. I personally am not ready to throw over my old friend ‘you can do it’ but as you mention ‘trust yourself’ is an instruction, and an action. The school year is upon us. They can do it. They should trust themselves to choose, and act, for their success.
Thanks Catie! 🙂
Just today it happen. I gave an assignment in Communication. They felt it was difficult. Their presentation was not perfect but quit good for where they are today. At the end I felt the to congratulate them to continue on their path and said “that was really good for today and we are going to repeat it so we can improve”. There was some smiles coming back.
Yes any negative statement would have being counter productive and would have destroyed the whole build up of that workshop.
Thanks Eddie. Great story. Isn’t if fun to see these ideas in action? 🙂 Best for the journey.
Absolutely Dan. Every time a client has a success – it’s a win-win for all
great post! When a big deal was going wrong my boss put me on a plane with the simple message “I trust your judgement, I’ll stand with whatever decision you make” it changed the way we approached the problem, opened my mind to alternative solutions and empowered me in a non-self preserving way!
KaPow! Glad you stopped in Ken.
Trust is everything, with out it we are merely wandering with no direction.
Thanks Tim. I don’t like wandering. 🙂
Good morning Dan;
I believe with all my heart that attitudes are contagiuos. When a person ‘really’ trust himself, he exudes confidence. Confidence breeds confidence. Leaders must understand the thing we call (Perception), as it directly impacts their effectivness or, ineffectivness. Positive attitudes and behaviors encourage and inspire the same from others. ‘However’, negative attitudes and behaviors are just as contagious. When upper management shows no concern for moral and building positive interpersonal relationships with staff negativity get’s a ‘foot-hold’ which can be hard to break.
So, next time circumstance cause you to concider reacting in a negative manner, concider how others will preceive your actions. Smug attitudes and stinging critisism’s leave impressions that can last a lifetime.
Control your emotion’s and you control your attitude. Control your attitude and you control your destiny…
Cheer’s my freind
Steve
Thanks SGT. If you don’t think attitudes are contagious, put a complaining dark cloud on a team and see what happens.
HI Dan, a timely reminder of what will at times afflict us all – a lack of trust in ourselves. Your reminder to help others through that with two words is very apt both looking ‘in’ and helping ‘out’. After all if we can’t trust ourselves then it seems fraught to believe that we trust others.
Happy Thursday..
Thanks Richard. Life can kick the belief out of us sometimes. Add a few people who are always complaining and criticizing and it can be a battle.
If we can’t trust ourselves, it’s foolish to expect others to trust us.
Are beliefs just a way to satisfy our minds doubt? Seth Godin calls it the “Lizard Brain” and other authors call it “Self two” or even the “ego” but there is a part of all of us that tells us “I can’t do that” or “I can do that”. I saw a t-shirt once that I wish I had bought. It said, “Don’t believe everthing you think!”. Understanding that our beliefs are judgements can set us free to believe all we want yet allow us to let those beliefs go if they dont hold true. Helping others gain true confidence is helping them gain awareness of their “self two” and accept the moment for what it is even though our “Lizard Brain” is telling us we are not confident in that moment. It’s all about baby steps…. Great post Dan, thanks for all you do…. -Shane
Thanks Shane. The little phrase “accept the moment for what it is” is powerful. Accepting reality seems to be an expression of confidence but I also think it bolsters confidence.
Trust yourself. I love it.
Sometimes when people have a talent, they are the last ones to recognize it. This is especially true with young people. If they do something well, they think “Everyone can do that.” They admire other people’s talents but miss their own.
As a teacher I like to point out individual talents when I notice them. I am often the first person who gives voice to a talent a young person possesses. That amazes and humbles me. What a powerful role teachers play.
Trust yourself. I love this one. It can come from someone who sees your talents. It also translates into self talk so nicely. I’m working on a new presentation on a very important topic. I’m going to use this message for myself as I work on this speech.
Thanks Dauna. It’s true. Sometimes others see our good qualities before we see them. I’m with you, I love the opportunity to see and acknowledge a strength in someone else.
Congratulations on being a person who lifts others. It’s so easy to put people down. A harsh word has more power than one that lifts up. Keep up the great work.
Dan your daily post is an inspiration to many! Sometimes in life people intentionally try to crush your soul … to beat you down to you give up or until you are totally subservient. If you are lucky, you are still left with seeds in your soul … seeds of redemption. Your daily blog is like water on those seeds of redemption. if you are lucky … those seeds sprout and lead you to a new inner understanding and confidence of where you came from, how you are right now, and a clear vision of where you need to go as a positive leader. Thanks for the water Dan 🙂
Thanks Michael. I thought I was reading poetry. 🙂
Yes, yes, YES!!! Game changer. Thanks, Dan.
Thanks Steven! Always a pleasure.
The door of possibility swings on hinges of belief.Can I quote you on that? No, I mean, I plan to quote that often and frequently with enthusiasm that shows my belief in them!
Should I attribute this quote to you or should someone else get credit? I've not heard it before.
Thanks for the inspiration!
Laurel
Thanks Lau. The sentence you mention is mine. Feel free to use it with attribution.
Dear Dan,
You are right Dan. Believe is the key to confidence. When people believe in themselves, they do wonder. When they are fearful, they doubt their own potentials. When I received almost highest students feedback for teaching, I was asked in review meeting, how could I manage? More specifically, what I did in the class. I had no specific answer. Since, I taught students by encouraging them, believing in them and allowed them to express their opinions. Others who scored low, used to follow command and control techniques. They created fear and hence students did not dare to raise questions. So, the point is, we need to encourage others. Every human being is unique and incomparable. We need to create believe in them. As Abraham Lincoln said, ” Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing”.
Leaders can increase the share of believe. They should minimize the share of fear and command and control. They should fill others with positivity, enthusiasm hope and believe. This is the best way to bring transformation.
Thanks Dr. Gupta. Congratulations on doing so well as a teacher. “When they are fearful, they doubt their own potential.” Your sentence illustrates the damage we do when we rob people of their confidence.
Thank you for noting that faith in God is the foundation for trusting ourselves. Personally, I think the base of all we can achieve is God-confidence. He empowers us beyond what we can ever do by ourselves.
Thanks Dawn. I don’t often share things from my personal life. It just seemed right to do it today.
Trust yourself. And, you’ll tend to trust others, too.
Thanks Painting. Put another way, don’t trust others who don’t trust others.
Dan another “Beauty”…..that’s my last expression GODBU
Thanks Hitansu. Much appreciated.
“When you are present,
you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangled in it.
The mind in itself is a wonderful tool.
Dysfunction sets in when you seek your self in it and mistake it for who you are.”
“The philosopher Descartes believed that he had found the most fundamental truth
when he made his famous statement: “I think, therefore I am.”
He had, in fact, given expression to the most basic error:
to equate thinking with Being and identity with thinking.”
“Identification with your mind creates an opaque screen of concepts, labels, images,
words, judgments, and definitions that blocks all true relationship.”
“Pain is inevitable as long as you are identified with your mind.”
… from the Book “Now” by Eckhart Tolle – I give him my accordance!
I believe we can find trust in ourself back – if we look inside and realize,
that we can be love.
If we say “Trust Yourself” – we have first to recognize is this really true.
Believe we ourself?
“If you look in a mirror and you do not like what you see, then it would be
crazy of you, to attack the mirror” – Tolle says, but this is
what we do, if we don´t believe in ourself.
The deep pain in ourself – is hidden in the unconscious
– is a lost Primal-confidence!
If we get aware about this and the emotions (pain) behind – we can find it
and rebuild it up again. Hate and fear change into self-hate behaviours and
non-acception of other humans, too. These includes stress – level in different ways
– we feel in our body (for example – the cross is the back – our problems or our fear,
sometime we get a headache, because of the huge weight of problems – life is heavy!
… instead of being strong – feeling an “Easy Going” – be joy!).
Inside of each human – we are Two!
Our inner child – reflects love or non-love situations
– that shape us – and this force influenced us through life.
We should normally carry with us this primal-forces in a divine way!.
We lose trust very early, also in our gifts,
if parents act without love, trust and faith.
“Being Self-Trust” – is a conscious desicion! Really? Yes.
I have to realize who is thinking – I or my mind. 🙂
We can change it – each moment in our life – if we believe strong enough
– yes,we can! Practice – practice each day!
In my opinion, it is the most important decision – we can make in our lives
– and the most underrated!
Know this truth – and they will perceive you another reality!
We are children of our educational and social thus reproductions!
If you realise your “inner view” – into your life – through the look of fear,
it makes a big difference what you see!
If you watch with love and trust, you see other people acting in a positiv way
( resonance and focus) – much more.
Opportunities and chances are recognized (seen), you never saw before!
My (your) “THOUGHT – EYE” (… not Third – Eye – I call it like this in a funny way)
because my view / perspective – changes totally, if I´m on my own real aware …
and it makes differences – it makes sence!
The mind is another sence – like the others, we just give him
a superior upper classification. Why?
I am a picture thinker … watching out
thinking with heart – feeling by mind – looking with my soul,
is important for me – like to be a part in me as an artist!
“Gnothi seauton.”
Dan – beautiful mind – that suits them!
Thanks, for making differences visible > I believe: – beautiful thoughts make a beautiful spirit! Go for it! .-)
JOY IS. Beate
HAIKU – LOVE & TRUST YOURSELF
BE – the other way around it does not work!
I am, what I create.
Divine Knowledge mastered Thoughts – literally manifested Reality
b.f. 2014
I have a second recommendation – very interessting:
Arno Gruen – “The betrayal of the self” (Der Verrat am Selbst!)
“Love and loving people are the enemy because they earlier the
threaten rejected demands for true love and thus to awaken the old terror.
True love can not be sustained if the inadequacy of the parents must be covered.
Real love is unbearable, because it would expose the original injury.
One would then love just by people who are reserved and give nothing.
In contrast, appears a the love of those who give love easily, suspicious.
It is perceived as either worthless or as a means to an end.”
Thanks Beate. You’re too deep for me. 🙂
YOU´RE VERY LOVELY DAN – THANK YOU. <3
HAIKU – I AM PEACE – I AM TRUST 🙂
LOVE IS A SEED.
MIDDLE IN YOUR HEART THERE IS A NON VISIBLE LIGHT.
POWER OF CREATION.
LOVE IS. ART IS. LOVE. LIVING ART
Awesom! This needs to be read by the masses. We all need to hear it.
one of my favourite posts from your blog – thanks!
Thanks SI. Much appreciated.
( you can do it ) here where the belief in yourself come .
Great post Dan!
You are a piece of the puzzle of someone else’s life. You may never know where you fit, but others will fill the holes in their lives with pieces of you. ~Bonnie Arbon
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes. ~Sally Field
Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance. ~Author Unknown
Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie
Which we ascribe to heaven.
~William Shakespeare, All’s Well That Ends Well
A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her. ~David Brinkley
It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not. ~Attributed to Hanoch McCarty
We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. ~W.C. Fields
Whether you think you can or think you can’t — you are right. ~Henry Ford
I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn’t fall down. ~Allen H. Neuharth
If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. ~Buckminster Fuller
Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Don’t live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable. ~Wendy Wasserstein
Success comes in cans, not cant’s. ~Author Unknown
Put your future in good hands — your own. ~Author Unknown
What a fool, quoth he, am I, thus to lie in a stinking dungeon, when I may as well walk at liberty! I have a key in my bosom, called Promise, that will, I am persuaded, open any lock in Doubting Castle. ~John Bunyan
I am not a has-been. I am a will be. ~Lauren Bacall
“The light of starry dreams can only be seen once we escape the blinding cities of disbelief.” – Shawn Pursue
Dan, One more “Beauty”- God bls u
Isn’t it amazing how the simple phrase, “I believe we can do more, be better.” can inspire so much? Trust your people. Let them know it. Reinforce the values. Recognize the wins.
I love Neale Donald Walsch’s approach – he says… “When you want to feel a particular way, the quickest way is often to enable someone else to feel it first.”