What if the Monsters are “Real”
Monsters lurked under the bed and crouched in the closet when our boys were young.
I heard the boys stirring through the door we left ajar. Peeking in, I asked, “What’s wrong?”
“There’s a monster under the bed,” one whispered. But who could tell in the dim light that shown from the hall?
I told them, “There’s no monster.”
For good measure I added, “Monsters aren’t real.” But, they didn’t believe me. When you’re young, monsters are real. It doesn’t matter what grown ups say.
Believe:
One night I believed the monsters were real.
“Shhhh!! Where are they?” I whispered with the concern only monsters inspire. By this time I was crouching, arms extended, like a ninja warrior.
“Under the bed,” Mark the younger, whispered from the lower bunk. (Matt had claimed the upper bunk due to higher status.) I dove under the bed grabbing the monster by the throat. He nearly bit me, but he didn’t.
Arms flailing and legs kicking, I wrestled the beast. I almost went under. Eventually, the beast weakened enough for me to drag him out and run to the bathroom – where I flushed the monster down.
Breathless, but emboldened, I returned to whisper, “Any more monsters in here?” Matt whispered, there’s one in the closet. Surprisingly, I defeated that one as well.
It’s comforting when someone believes the monsters are real.
The people around you see monsters; you’re harsh, someone else got the promotion, they’re under-appreciated and over-worked.
It doesn’t matter if you believe harshness is a monster under the bed or not.
You might try, “Oh, please forgive me. I didn’t intend to be harsh. What can I do to show my gentle side?”
Something surprising happens when monsters are taken seriously.
When is it wise to accept someone’s monster?
When is it better to tell them their monster isn’t real?
I think it’s especially important to acknowledge others’ monsters when there is a leadership culture of poor communication. Lack of word about what’s happening and what’s coming creates ghosts in the shadows. Big all hands meeting with no agenda really irks me in this kind of climate. I start seeing monsters myself in those cases.
Thanks James. Love where you took this. Anxiety inflates monsters.
I’ll add, when we don’t get information, we make it up. That’s a monster of a different color.
Shhhhhh! You’re scaring me! I was in this monster story for 10 months once. My advice … find a safe haven which usually means finding a more enlightened workplace.
Perception is reality. Understanding communication to be the “keystone” of leadership requires us to look past our words and into the eyes of those that we are speaking to. We lead for others not ourselves and if we cannot present a message that is meaningful, understood and with purpose, regardless of the particular topic or circumstance, we are missing the mark. Monsters are made real when left alone. We give them the air they breath through our lack of attention and focus. Speak clearly and directly, seek challenges to improve ourselves, our organizations and most importantly the people we have been entrusted to lead. Monsters hate attention, that is why they are always hiding.
Thanks Frank. Love this — “Monsters are made real when left alone.”
You nailed it by saying we need to look into the eyes of those we are speaking to…. perhaps try to look thought the eyes, also.
Dan, while I read your post I had one thought- and Frank has already shared it: “Perception is reality.” It correlates with feedback- I don’t see myself as intimidating, but the feedback I have received would tell me otherwise. And since that is another persons perception, it is what I need to acknowledge and work with. Having honest conversations about our own monsters and other people’s monsters can build relationships and help lessen the anxiety/fear they created. Thanks for your post!
It is important to remember that each of us has his or her own reality. Just because you see things differently, does not mean it is not real to someone else. This is a great way to express that.
Thanks pmaddams. It’s important but not always easy to acknowledge another’s reality, especially when it is so “obviously” NOT real. 🙂
Dan,
If the Leader is a factual individual with the information to back them up I would probably say “all in” that monster would rule. The ill prepared leader as James references leaves us in the cold searching for reasons to follow them and typically disappoints the team or the individual perhaps is a sleeping monster just having a bad day or truly need to search for why they hold the position..
Thanks Tim. I appreciate you and your insights. Keep’em coming.
Great post Dan
Monsters tend to lurk in the dark- in the spaces between organizational silos, and in the absence of transparency and candor. They fill in the blanks of uncertainty in the most frightening ways- with rejection, hostility and other such psychological terror tactics. As powerful as they are in the dark- they disappear in the light.
Effective leaders eliminate dark spaces through open, candid and caring communication.
Seeking clarity around self defeating assumptions helps disempower the monster. The challenge is that the monster can seem so real- if you feel unappreciated, or rejected it takes a lot of courage to seek clarity and test your assumption- and risk confirmation. We often choose to wrestle the monster rather than risk verifying it’s validity- Seeking clarity though is an important way to assess whether the monster is real, or an internal construction.
You got me thinking about my own reactivity – when I make negative assumptions, from my interpretion of others intention and/or motivation from their actions, without verifying. My assumptions have proven to be wrong many times- leaving me to have to clean up the mess from my misguided defensive, self protective reactivity.
Have a great day! Lori
Thanks Lori. Bringing the challenge of negative assumptions to the monster conversation is so powerful. I make monsters about others when I make assumptions about their behaviors. Now that’s a kick in the pants.
Bringing my monsters into the light makes me vulnerable. I think I’d rather live with them than admit I’m wrong. 🙂
Doesn’t it seem that it’s only when we face the scary things in life that they disappear and are defused? But when we avoid scary things, they get bigger? And the only reason we avoid things, is because we don’t have a plan – we don’t know what to do. So perhaps the answer then is to acknowledge the possibility of the monster and to outline a plan for dealing with it?
Thanks Julia. I find that a certain seriousness emerges when we take someones monster seriously. Sometimes it shrinks, as you say. Other times, specific actions can be adopted. The monster shrinks then too.
Good morning Dan;
We all deal with our own particular set of fears, or, ‘Dark Monsters’. Some of the circumstance supporting these fear’s are real, some are not. All of us are (not) effected in the same way, or, by the same Monsters. Life’s experiences teach us many things, fear is only one of them. But make no mistake. No matter how foolish anothers fear’s or Dark Monsters seem to us, they can be and are real to others resulting in diminished confidence, lack of motivation, and an apprehensivness to take action.
When it’s apparent one’s fear’s have no logical explanation and are self made, a trusted freind and confidant should come along side this individual and help them realize, “the Monsters in your head ARE NOT REAL”. Perception and reality can be two different things. Even when we (wrongfully) believe ‘Dark Monsters’ are lurking about, our perceptions seem real, effecting us emotionally, phycologically, and physically. Sometimes rendering us useless and ineffective.
In the work place as in life, face your fears and learn to overcome them, or succumb to their crippling effects
BTW, Debb and I enjoyed a great time of fellowship and music at Delgros’s Amusment Park Labor Day as part of ‘Youth-Fest’…
Cheers my freind
Steve
Thanks SGT. I’m glad you interjected the idea that someone can, and should, say that monster isn’t real. Sometimes that’s applicable and makes the monster go away. These types of monsters are built on misinformation. When the real information is presented by someone we trust, the monster vanishes.
Thanks for adding the result of believing in monsters: diminished confidence, lack of motivation, and an apprehensivness to take action.
If people weren’t human, there wouldn’t be any monsters. as children, our imaginations get the better of us. It’s the reason why kids can play with the same toys for hours, and also why the tiniest creaks and noises in the dark lead to wild thoughts of monsters. As we get older, that imagination becomes leveraged for deduction and problem solving. The monsters we create in our mind often seem very real because they are based out of the same imagination we use to be creative and innovative. However, ultimately it is our emotions that give life to our monsters, otherwise we would dismiss them.
For many, these monsters are very real. They present as worries, anxieties, stress factors, and are born out of the fear of not knowing or the burden of being in the know.
John;
Very well put. “Thanks”
Steve
Thanks John. You write like a monster slayer.
Today I was a bit puzzled with Dan ‘blog post. You summed it up well, only then I understood “the message.”
Thanks.
I overcame most of my “monsters”. I know they are not there. Yet I doubt (sometimes).
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the positive feedback.
Great post and even better discussions. Great analogy Dan.. Love this.
In my opinion, monsters are everywhere. Some see it and some dont. As leaders, it is our responsibility to not only slay these monsters (real or imagined) but also ensure that people are not afraid of pointing out new monsters.
In a lot of organizations that fail or enter a period of long struggle, someone within the organization know that the monster (struggle) is lurking but was afraid of pointing it out early enough to the leaders so they could be slain before they get big.
While some monsters could be imagined and can be defeated with ease, some of them could be real and might require the might of the entire organization to defeat them..
This was awesome! Thank you so much for this post. Very enlightening!