A Simple Strategy to Re-Energize Others
I thought I knew him pretty well. That’s the problem. I thought I knew him.
I’m disappointed in myself. I should have known him better. Frankly, I pride myself in seeing and respecting people.
It shouldn’t surprise me that I didn’t know the young leader as well as I thought. I’ve worked with an older leader over 25 years and I’m still learning how to respect his strengths, navigate his weaknesses, and learn from his perspective.
Energy:
The young man never said I disrespected him. But, I didn’t know him as well as I should. I couldn’t respect his strengths properly.
People who feel understood and respected are energized. People who don’t feel understood feel disrespected, even if you don’t intend it.
Disrespect devalues. Devalued people bring less value.
John R. Stoker, the story of quitting time (1:53):
“Employees want to know that their leaders care about them as individuals and that they value the contribution that they make.”
John Stoker
4 ways leaders de-energize others:
Devalued people have less energy.
- Fixing: You should be more like me.
- Judging: I’m better than you.
- Assuming: I understand, without exploration, more than you.
- Agendas: I don’t care what you think. Just do what I want.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Anais Nin
How to spot and stop devaluing-behaviors:
John R. Stoker taught me that hot or negative emotions in me indicate I’m judging, fixing, assuming, or pushing my own agenda. I’m devaluing.
Spot engaging in behaviors that devalue others by monitoring your emotions. Frustration or impatience with others signal that you stopped valuing them.
Stop devaluing-behaviors by asking questions and attending to answers.
Curiosity reestablishes respect. Respect energizes.
John R. Stoker on turning off autopilot (1:49):
What makes you feel disrespected?
How can leaders show respect to others?
Leave a comment on this post to become eligible for one of twenty free copies of “Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Hold REAL Conversations that Create Respect, Build Relationships, and Get Results” by John R. Stoker.
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I like the quote: “curiosity re established respect. Respect reenergizes”. That can be used at home as well as at work…It’s not just at work we take people for granted.
Thanks Tim. Yes, I really like how leadership ideas transfer into many contexts.
I can relate to the story about quitting time and have been examining myself as the leader and what I can do differently. It seems in my office I have several who have sincerely given the hearts and minds and work extra hours to get the job done well and there are some who no matter what I do, are on the 5:00 train out the door! Is this a new trend or is there something I need to do different for the X generation employees?
Jerilyn, I would not concern my self with time worked, but with timeliness of deliverables. Take a step back and take the focus off of you and look at what is going on with your staff that are leaving at 5:00. Could they have family or personal life obligations that require leaving on time? Many employees will give you their time at work, but to stay healthy and balanced know when to step into “my time”. They are giving their hearts and minds to you and and leave to give that same engergy to something else at 5:00. Time in a seat does not mean true engagament to the work, but engagment to the manager’s idea of work.
You are corect it is a new trend…it is called healthy lifestyle for me. When employees give their all during the 8 hours, I expect them to leave and recharge for tomorrow.
Not to mention the ones who need to get to the second job. Devalued by arbitrary pay scales.
I feel like Pastors do this a lot. Almost every Pastor that I have met has, what I would call, the “pastor poker face.” They assume a more “spiritual” identity because they think that is what others need or want. I think that it comes from an intention/pressure (though it is self afflicted) to meet a need, and from pressure to be more than the sinner we actually are. A big part of devaluing others is that we do not walk humbly. Taking the time to look and invest in others lives can get tiresome when you meet several new people during a service, and all of them have problems and are looking for answers. This can build our pride and make it more difficult to be real with others.
These slices of your interviews are so interesting. Love this format. I know not everyone will be in a position to listen to the audio, but I highly encourage ya’ll to email yourselves this link so you CAN listen later. It’s no more than a total of 4 min listening time.
From the ‘quitting time’ I appreciated the wisdom that you can buy their hands and backs, but you can’t buy their minds and hearts.
In ‘turning off autopilot’ I found that what John is talking about just happens to align with the development I’m working on in the current discovery phase of my meditation practice. I’m working on labeling thoughts and emotions in myself that may be pulling me away from my current work or conversation to help distance myself from them and then recognize those same emotions and their possible source in others. Carrying that into all parts of the day is the hard part. Right now I’m happy if I can just continue the practice a few times throughout the day.
“…Stoker taught me that hot or negative emotions in me indicate I’m judging, fixing, assuming, or pushing my own agenda. I’m devaluing.”
This is my current struggle. The past month I have experienced a series of ‘data points’ of information popping up from different sources that seemed to know what I should know about possible changes in my current position’s expectations. As I collected the data points and tried to connect the dots, I eventually learned that there were meetings and plans made for a bigger picture (several new people in leadership positions in the organization) and that I was not included in the discussion that had to do directly with my position.
I felt devalued. My hot/negative emotions kicked in and I felt I was experiencing all 4 of the ways leaders de-energize others…which led to a lot of speculation and distrust on my part that has led to me ‘devaluing’ those I perceived to devalue me.
I did recognize this and have had to be vigilant about injecting lots of self talk to undo this. I have had to step back and rethink the kinds of conversations and questions that I was asking before this happened to see how they may have been received.
Feedback from outside of this situation gave me insights I hadn’t considered about how others may have been threatened by my tendency to have those difficult conversations and the strong connections I have with others across the organization. I tried a more elementary way of asking questions – less probing that required very simple surface answers and found they were more willing to engage in conversations that yielded information I needed.
I have to say that it is a lot of energy spent trying to undo those negative emotions once they take hold. A reminder that the first thought should always be that it isn’t about me – it is about them. Then there is no room to get defensive.
‘Employees want to know that their leaders care about them as individuals and that they value the contribution that they make’
Witnessed far too many times senior management not knowing a thing about any of the worker bees – even not knowing their names!
I’ve made a special effort to know where my team went to school, their hobbies, birthdays, etc. The little things mean so much.
Agree totally. I’ve learned from employees in other countries to always take the first few minutes in a smaller con-calls to ask a meaningful question of each person that shows I know a bit about them and want to know more.
I have seen paradigm shifts necessary for company growth over time by leaders simply listening to and empathizing with employees. Others wanted to know how the employee was ‘fixed’. It was done one conversation at a time in a way that both sides felt heard and respected.
This quote is very accurate:
“People who feel understood and respected are energized. People who don’t feel understood feel disrespected, even if you don’t intend it.”
It’s the reason I’m so happy on my current work environment. My manager shows respect by seeking to understand and valuing all contributions. It’s refreshing.
These are excellent points and tie into another book I am currently listening to called “Blink”. I am starting to believe, at least when it comes to myself, that these behaviors are subconsciously generated. Therefore to correct them, takes a huge amount of conscious effort but it is well worth it, in order to improve our effectiveness and professional/personal relationships.
So true!
Huge amount of conscious effort! My current read supporting this is work ‘Louder Than Words’ – Todd Henry.
I love this. What has always demotivated me is when a leader spends no time observing my performance or that of my team and relies solely on the perception of others. That type of judging is very de-energizing. Thanks for all your great posts that makes us think and makes us better leaders.
third party feedback – I call that leader a coward – leaders should not act on 3rd party without observing the behavior or performance themself, it’s a way to hide and not provide the feedback and use someone else as a mechanism for the feedback. 3rd party feedback is just another input to validate what you should already know as a leader.
Good point! Thank you for sharing, Cindy.
I feel disrespected when my boss dismisses my concerns or issues that he has the power to change. If I am voicing a concern or making a suggestion. He pretends to listen, but continues to state his agenda without addressing what I said.
Leaders can show more respect to others by having an open mind and lead through situations instead of acting like it isn’t their issue. Leaders should also be willing to be a team player. Without a team there is no need for a leader!
Good information, here. To the point of de-energizing others, I think that leaders feel they are motivating (in some way, shape, or form) when they say “you should try to be more like” instead of maybe having some conversation around development opportunities without comparison. That simple phrase can give the message that who someone is and what they bring to the table isn’t sufficient. I feel that is detrimental, not only to one’s morale, but to their productivity and growth. It puts a stop to creativity and initiative.
Dear Dan,
Respect and relationship are the real gem to energize people. They bring harmony and enthusiasm at workplace. They create better world to work. Besides your points about how leaders de-energize people, one is perception. They create quick perception about others without having enough information and knowledge. They take into account various self-created components and become judgmental. When leaders become quick judgmental about others, it drains energy. Being judgmental, also provide space to compare. When people start comparing, it starts draining energy. Each person is unique in his or her capabilities, so leaders should understand and nurture to bring out better capabilities
Isolation and less communication from leaders make people feel disrespected. People feel happy when interacted by leaders. Leaders can show respect to people by engaging into informal talks. Formal talks may not bring out real talent, but informal interaction may bring out real potentials. One should understand that every human being needs respect.
Emotions reveal so much. “John R. Stoker taught me that hot or negative emotions in me indicate I’m judging, fixing, assuming, or pushing my own agenda. I’m devaluing.”
Why don’t I listen to my emotions? Probably because it is hard work.
Bob
I feel disrespected when I’m not listened to – there is a difference between listening and hearing and I know when someone doesn’t hear me because they don’t acknowledge what I said or ask questons to ensure they understand my message or ask questions to learn more about what it is I’m wanting or saying. Leaders that are respectful check their beliefs and assumptions and their egos at the door, create safety and space for dialogue, look for mutual respect or purpose, are curious, listen, hear and acknowledge, ask questions, give fact based real time feedback and act in the best interest of the individual. John was right on when he said, you can’t buy their mind and their heart – you have to earn that through trust and mutual respect.
Dan, Appreciate your hard work each day. I have found value in stopping conversations or ending conversations with, “did I take understand your words”. If I push myself to understand before being understood, the process and path is less rocky.
Thank you for the continued wisdom through your posts and by sharing them on the Twitter and FB. They always hit home and worth the read.
“Quitting time” as portrayed by John Stoker’s story, is so true! I see it everyday at quitting time workers company cell phones get turned off, they go into auto pilot day is done, see you tomorrow routine. Why? Because they they feel under valued? Had enough for today now it’s my time, my life? leadership Leaders seem to always be in motion, planning for tomorrow and the future,reviewing today to see what was right or wrong, constant ways to get the most out of everyone until they hit the “quitting time wall”. the workers are gone and don’t want to be back till tomorrow because many chose not to have a choice,they just want to work and live to survive. The workers reenergize and come back tomorrow to the same routine running on auto pilot while the Leaders figure out how to get more out of them.. Respect, go along way for everyone, don’t be the judge be the Teacher.
It is absolutely true , that if a leader doesn’t seem to value you as a person, recognize your contribution , then it is so much harder to remain in a place to also lead. I have been working on making sure my team is recognized first as humans who may need my patience during work times because of something they are going through. Employees learn and process differently from one another, and recognizing those differences also can be challenging in the team work effort.
Indetifying Disrespectful statements (often, tone plays heavily into these)
1. “It’s fine the way you handled this, however, I would have done it THIS way.” (Fixing/be more like me)
2. “You don’t understand the bigger picture.” (Adgendas/just do what I say)
3. “I’ve been doing this for _____ years, it’s not my first trip to the rodeo (Assuming/I’m better than you)
We all need to be listened, treat others the way you want to be treated. This hability to listen is a must for a leader. Dan, I can’t wait to read this book!
I once had a leader who constantly required employees to complete surveys about his performance. He claimed it was for his growth & improvement. But then he would publicly ridicule some of the responses to those surveys in front of his entire organization. Quickly people learned that the surveys were worthless and even dangerous. His own opinion of himself was the only respect displayed in that organization. Yet outside our organization at state and national organizations he bragged about the way he willingly sought input on his performance. We all felt disrespected.
Dan,
Thank you for posting these ideas. What I also find is that people who are not heard, and fixed and judged instead, not only feel devalued but demoralized, discouraged and defeated.
A leader who does not listen and sees things only from their own lens quickly becomes a cancer to the team….a cancer that spreads rapidly and may never go into remission.
Let’s celebrate leaders who can embrace the ideas you and Jon Stoker have supported here!
Best to leaders everywhere!
Cindy Charlton
Really appreciate your regular posts. I have recently started following you on twitter and know when I see your tweets there is something worth exploring further- thank you. Regardless of your post a common theme is the importance of relationship, and your words are constant reminders to not lose sight of those things as the work we do consumes our days. Thank you for the time you take to share your experience and wisdom- would love to read “Overcoming Fake Talk”, and explore further the connections I have with my own work.
Thanks again
As an assistant and right-hand to two executives, I feel devalued and disrespected when there are secrets — obvious closed-door meetings, important information that is not shared with me. This is especially true when a higher-up asks me for status, and I was not informed. Showing trust is showing respect.
Your statement about frustration and devaluation turned on the light bulb, causing a moment of self-reflection. Thanks, I needed that!
I love this post! Mr. Stoker sounds like a person who is in touch with the important points! Love the giggle when he talks about “quitting time!” Your post has me intrigued – I would like to read more of Mr. Stoker’s thoughts.
This is the world in which I live right now, and I’m treading deep water desperately trying to stay afloat. This quote captures the essence for me:
“Employees want to know that their leaders care about them as individuals and that they value the contribution that they make.”
John Stoker
I feel most disrespected when it’s blatantly obvious that my contributions are neither acknowledged nor considered acceptable. My work performance isn’t done for the glory; it’s done because it’s the right thing to do with the focus on pragmatic and effective results. When everything is met with criticism, it is both demoralizing and disrespectful. Genuine appreciation and acknowledgement can go a long way with me.
Inclusion is perhaps the most simple way a leader can show respect to followers. Knowing your contributions are valued and that your opinion is considered demonstrates that a leader sincerely considers followers as participants and not just minions to carry out the list of responsibilities on their job descriptions.
“Spot devaluing behaviors by monitoring your emotions. Frustration or impatience with others signal that you stopped valuing them.” That is SO true!! I have been on the receiving end of that and when I thought hard about it, I have one member of my team that has a knack for bringing this out in me. I never made the connection with those hot emotions and that equating to devaluing others, but it is right on. That is exactly how I felt, and I am so thankful for this post to be more self-aware in the way I respond to my team. Great info as always!!
Annette, is there anything different you think you might do as a result of this post and your thoughts on it?
Daniel Golman, author of a new book called “Focus” and the classic “Emotional Intelligence”, says that we have to manage our emotions by first managing our attention of them. Dan, your lines, “Spot devaluing behaviors by monitoring your emotions. Frustration or impatience with others signal that you stopped valuing them” fits with this thinking but I believe it is difficult for many people to monitor their emotions because their skill level in paying attention to emotions that are boiling up inside them is lacking in a great way. Coaching others in becoming aware of their emotions would be a beneficial starting place in helping someone monitor their emotions. Good day to you… -Shane
I don’t usually listen to audio but if Dan thinks it’s worth posting then I decided I would listen. These snippets were worth the listen.
I had never heard “you can buy my hands and back, but you cannot buy my heart and mind.” I will take this with me. As a worker in a toxic environment, I have thought to myself that I don’t feel valued and I see others acting like they aren’t. I felt affirmed to hear that employees universally want to feel like their leaders care about them as individuals and value the contribution they make. I keep this in mind when working with others. Good stuff, Dan.
Sorry to hear you’ve had to suffer a toxic environment. Been there, but also have seen it get better (partly through Leadership being demoted/removed/re-trained). Hang in there but don’t hang around too long if the leadership/micro-management isn’t hearing the voices of folks like you that want a different atmosphere.
Great post. As we have come fo expect.
Such a timely post for me. I love the “autopilot” interview. What a great reminder that an emotional reaction is a clue to ask more questions. I had an uncomfortable feeling during an interchange with an employee last week that has been bugging me ever since. Today I will meet with that person and do my best to ask questions with an open heart to try and understand what is at the root of the discomfort. I so appreciate your posts. Practical advice that I can put to immediate use.
What a tremendous challenge for me now in my 60’s to realize the lost insight, understanding, knowledge and friendship that I tossed away because I was too busy setting a standard of acceptance that even I could not live up to in my daily life. A friend commented to me once that someone she deeply cared for was worthless. I know that in the heat of the moment she stated this but truly did not mean it, but the words are out and so also the emotion and accompanying body language. As I reflected on this I had to recognize that no one is worthless, everyone has value and significance and until I can get this corrected in my day to day interactions with people I lose out. Whether it be a friend, co-worker, someone I supervise, or family member, it does not matter, there is something that anyone of them can offer to me and others that is worth the energy to listen and understand. The challenge for me is to intentionally listen, removing the past prejudices and believing within the core of who I am that the person that I am in conversation with has value. I in that moment I can encourage and learn or judge and walk away(and in doing so both of us will have lost an opportunity.)
Great article. It reminds me that great leaders must constantly keep the thought that it is not “all about them” but all about the people that we serve. Keeping leaders honest and reminding us of the key leadership skill of honest, caring communication. Keeping it real! Thanks.
Another great quote from Anais Nin, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”
― Anaïs Nin
Courage and ultimately success for your business and work team is respecting and encouraging each team member to reach for their highest potential, therefore increasing their quality of life and their own success, which, in turn, can not help but be reflected back into the workplace.
Courage and success in the workplace isn’t just all about me… what success will bring me, how it will increase my worth… Courage and success in the workplace is the culmination of a team that seeks not their own glory but do all things with excellence therefore giving glory to God.
I have some younger staff members that I am encouraging to reach their highest potential by going on to college or continuing a degree program even when the struggles are real. I know that I will lose them when they graduate, and their degree takes them elsewhere, however by giving value to their self-worth now we, as business leaders, give them a hope and future.
Love the message! Valuable for all to consider in our interactions.
Great post Dan! Impatience with others signal that you stopped valuing them, hits between the eyes. So true and sobbering….Its about valuing others opinions, perspectives, and way in which they process information which may be very different from ourselves…
Interesting food for thought: You can’t be judgmental and truly curious about another’s perspective.
That point struck home to me…
Thanks for keeping this coming!
Laurel
I am really tired.. “DAN”… to tell that you are a Gem, as well your postings are !!!…so take it as my constant appreciation-hence forward for all future posts.
Been there done that. The audio said roughly, “you can have your hands in their backs, but you can’t buy their minds and their hearts.” How true. I am a school administrator and if my teachers are not engaged with their minds and their hearts, the greatest benefit they have over a computer system is being squandered. When their minds and hearts are behind the purpose of the work, the quality is great. I don’t think this can be accomplished without the teachers feeling that they matter not only to students, but to their administrators. Their opinions and expertise must be honored.
New reader here Dan! Thanks for the awesome resource!
To answer your question, I feel disrespected when my ideas/issues are dismissed or aren’t even put on the table for discussion. Blindly following agendas rarely optimizes output.
As a leader I want my peers and directs to challenge me—this means bringing fresh perspectives into the mix.
Leaders show respect to others by giving them the opportunity to succeed and fail. I feel disrespected when I am micro-managed. It’s as if I cannot be trusted and need to only be a puppet!
Respect is something that we owe those we lead and those we follow. Putting the needs of others above ourselves is paramount to excellence in leadership and followership. Society would benefit if compassion and empathy were woven into the fabric of our cultures.
I think the worst part about this type of leadership is it trickles down and affects how coworkers deal with each other and people at the same level in other departments. In the end it really makes things much harder for everybody. Loks like you’ve got some great info to help battle the cycle of behavior.
Can’t wait to read this! Sounds like it would be great reading for the participants that come through our REALationships course. Would love to talk about the idea…
Great post. Have been guilty of struggling not to do point 1 of the 4 ways leaders de-energize others: “Fixing: You should” do it like this.
Must learn to delegate better!
This really made me think. The quote “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Really hit home with me. Thanks for getting me to evaluate in this area.
Ever notice how many of these thkngs come down to basic respect?
Important topic. Thanks for addressing it.
Great leadership tips in here – I love the quote, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” The best leaders are always empowering and uplifting others. Thanks for sharing!
Great post. John’s comments about the importance of asking questions reminded me of a tip from George Stephanopoulos on what to do when you find yourself bored in a conversation. He suggests looking for just one thing in that conversation that piques your interest. It’s a great way to stay focused and to show genuine interest in the others’ message. I’ve found myself relying on that strategy on many occasions.
I especially like the warning that “hot emotions” are a signal that I’m not listening to others. I’m too busy reacting to my own anxiety and unable to be curious and engaged with what is going on in the present moment.
Thanks,
Bill Lindeman — Sent from Mailbox
On Tue, Sep 9, 2014 at 7:39 AM, Leadership Freak
The thoughts that we chose ourselves, are the tools with which we paint the canvas
of our lives. Louise L. Hay
I felt sometimes the behaviors such as jealousy and contempt of a leader.
I had given no cause! We worked on the same level – everyone had to lead a team
– but we had to work together in the integrative project.
That was at the beginning almost impossible since I was boycotted and information was withheld. I was wondering why this is and what that person is jealous.
There are an inferiority complex, so I thought.
I was wondering how I can compensate itself!
I was wondering how I can reduce the effect by my own behavior or even eliminate!
I thought – attack is the best method – I laughed – but only figuratively.
I tried really listen to her and to give her even more attention. I thought, if I’m still friendly
and respectful, the other can not help but even so this behavior to reflect back.
And so it was. Similar to the effect in laughter – it worked. 😉
Furthermore, was the Participate – that the involvement in decision-making processes,
the sticking point. I asked her questions on how we can make cooperation more effective
and better, etc. My appreciation, kindness and curiosity has broken her competitive mentality, without losing face. 🙂
Sometimes we feel something like a kind of power and control games – it is also called reactance. Thus I have explained myself.
The strength of the reactance depends on various factors and how we a
subjective freedom loss (action space / margin / space / consciousness space) rate.
The greater the number of threatened or eliminated decision alternatives, the greater the reactance. The greater the threat to freedom (possibly threatened, critically endangered,
lost forever, etc.), the greater the reactance.
The reactance (importance) is greater – the larger the instrumental value of the threatened behavior to achieve a certain goal; the greater the strength of the corresponding need (subjective) is the expectation of being able to achieve a certain goal.
Zarathustra, however, looked at the people and wondered. So then he said:
“Man is a rope, tied between beast and overman – a rope over an abyss.
A dangerous crossing over, a dangerous on-the-way, a dangerous looking back, a dangerous shuddering and stopping.
What is great in man is that he is a bridge and not a goal: what is lovable in man is that he is a transition and a downfall. ….
I love him whose soul is deep even in the wounding, and may go to a small experiences to reason. Way he likes over the bridge ” <3
Self-conquest – sometimes light – sometimes difficult – but in between there is always
the path that you can go!
Joy is. Beate
Nothing (really) has meaning,
can be taken from you, everything else slips away – sooner, or a little longer. (Hiob)
"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies."
Friedrich Nietzsche
It is very important to make the talks substantial in the listener’s mind, if one has to make sure that they evolve into real life actions. This is what differentiates good speakers and leaders from others.
Another excellent post. It seems to me that the whole leadership issue is revolving around the issue of respect and appreciation. For the leader to respect the individuality of the team members and for the team members to respect the vision of the leader.
In short, to be human in a tribe working towards a common target.
Dan, a succinct way to invigorate people in their jobs. You’ve given leaders a very focused way to bring value to others. I think this is the key ingredient to engagement overall. A very well written post, as usual. Appreciate your insight, thanks!
We have just introduced a card system for people to give to one another to recognise strengths, things that have gone well, effort put in, the creation of positive learning environment as a thank you. the brief trial I conducted had very positive feedback from everyone who received one ( and I didn’t ask them to provide me with any). Spontaneous showing of gratitude and celebrating of strengths and successes. A small, simple thing, but one that will make a difference ( as it already has to the people that I have sent them to) :o)
Thanks Jenny. Great story. I’m glad you shared it.
“Fixing: You should be more like me.” I have been around someone who has had this attitude for years. Hoping that I never do!
I particularly connected with this statement: John R. Stoker taught me that hot or negative emotions in me indicate I’m judging, fixing, assuming, or pushing my own agenda. I’m devaluing. I would have never thought that my emotions are connected in any way to the value I place on others. I’ll observe my emotions and genuinely listen more now. This article is very insightful. Thanks.
Thanks Yinlayefa. That was an eyeopener for me too.
I think the biggest engerizer/re-energizer is recognizing a person’s expertise and contributions. When I’ve been thanked or complimented on a job well done, I am excited and anxious to continue to work hard. When overlooked, it can be hard to motivate yourself to keep fighting the good fight. It’s all about recognition – regardless of how it is given.
As a brand new leader of a college mental health counseling center I am very in tune with teaching my students how to deescalate emotions. It so important for me to remember that my self when managing myself and staff when we are emotionally charged. As Ross Greene Ph,d said in his book ” The Explosive Child” humans lose 30 IQ points when we are engaged in any strong emotion. Its so important to de escalate to show true respect. Also, we use the drop in the bucket recognition in our small office of 6 and we saw a great improvement in connection and staff collaboration. I just stumbled on this blog on Monday, I am VERY glad I did
In my experience, in education it’s very important for the moral of teachers to recognize a person’s worth and value.
Goodness Dan…I enjoy your practical posts, the learning your share and the resources you suggest!
When I read the section, How to spot and stop devaluing-behaviors, I was like ouch! So, frustration or impatience are signals? Looks like I have some more learning and transforming to do…glad I am not alone lol
Excited for the chance to win Stoker’s book…and if not, it’s on my list to read!
Thanks Dan!
The challenge is to remember the “auto-pilot” sitting beside you everyday and the need to turn it off and do the work of relationship building.
That is a great quote ” “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are”. Great tips in this post. I find the things in life that are the easy to do are usually result in the wrong things or wrong behaviours.
As a college basketball coach, the worst thing you can do is FAKE TALK. Players see right through a coach who doesn’t walk his talk and respect and credibility go out the window. .Relationships are everything-you can be the best at setting up fancy plays, but if the kids won’t play for you due to lack of respect, what’s it worth? Brad Oringer-Assistant Basketball Coach-The College of Mount Saint Vincent-NY
One of the most challenging situations that faced me regarding fake talk was when I had two senior employees both using fake talk with me, each other and the team on the front line. The strategies implemented by each and other complicating circumstances made it quite difficult to tease out truth from fiction, since there was enough truth on both sides and I was new in the leadership with that team. After one of them left the company, then the impact of the remaining person became more clear. Interestingly, yesterday’s post on Rigid Inflexibles spoke to an element of this situation since I had an ultimate realization that this remaining individual, even with the damage done to the rest of the team, had an incredible skill set uniquely suited to another department in the company. They were “loaned” to that department to ensure fit and then officially transferred and became quite successful. So, my take from that was the “fake talk” was truly a cry for help on their part (although they really were not able to recognize that until later) and I was slower than I wished I had been in recognizing it all. Thankfully, the broader team responded positively and, with consistent openness in talking about what was happening, returned to a much higher level of trust and performance than could have been imagined initially.
“Disrespect devalues. Devalued people bring less value.”
As a young leader, I find that one of my biggest challenges has been dealing with a manager who devalues their direct reports on a daily basis. As I take in the “teachings” they provides, I see more and more the leader that I do not want to be. Every day I’m given more detail on my blueprint to being a leader that listens more than I talk.
I’m old enough (and young enough) to remember the TV series “Taxi”… I remember Louie the dispatcher (Danny DeVito) being in a caged office, ranting and hurling insults from his lair, having zero morals or respect for the employees. People who had to go out on the front line every day and represent the company. When those in leadership are adding the most stress and devaluing the company core more than the customer-base does, it may be time to look at a change in leadership style. There are plenty of “Louie’s” in corporate America, they just wear suits, sheepish grins and usually can’t get out of their own way.
I try to remember that there is always something I can learn from everyone. Sometimes it’s more challenging to find the lesson than other times.
me me pick me
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Annis Nin – Perspective is key. But sometimes, things simply “are” the way we see them.
If a leader is not willing listen, to see a situation through your eyes (or worse yet if they know what you are saying is true but are not willing to solve or help you solve the situation) then they are blinded by their own agenda.
We have a situation where one member of the team runs rough shod over all other team members, even other team’s members, without repercussions .This team member can entirely shut down a productive retreat day by making threats, cast an environment of silence on the team for a week or two at a time, cause division among team members and between departments, dismisses our own team leader as being ineffective, etc. If the team member had a skill set that was unique I could understand keeping them until we found someone with a like skill set; but they don’t.
I understand that our leader is willing to address the team member’s behavior but not to the point that the situation changes and never at the moment that a situation is on the table. During the four years if I brought any situation to our leader, the only response I have gotten is “if it provides comfort to you, you are not the only one that is subject to this type of behavior.” This type of fake talk is devaluing and demotivating.
It is like being a part of a dysfunctional family. I no longer talk to the leader about situations on the team but have tried on my own to be a part of the solution. I have incorporated my own style of fake talk to break the silence that this team member is imposing on the team, to try to draw her out by getting to know her on a more personal level, when she will allow it.
And so the cycle continues.
“Frustration or impatience with others signal that you stopped valuing them.” — This statement was truly eye opening for me. I find myself getting frustrated or impatient, and I now understand those feelings are my cue to step back and look more closely at my interactions with others. They are probably equally frustrated or impatient with me, which is an enormous drain on the partnership. Understanding why I am feeling frustrated or impatient and thinking through what I need to do to fix that will make it much easier to re-energize myself and the other person. Great post!!!
This struck home for me. I want to make sure those that I lead in volunteer work and groups do not feel the same way as I have been made to feel. It is especially important to consider this when working with volunteers.
The opposite of fake conversations are authentic conversations. Authentic leadership and communication requires congruence between the words spoken by a leader and the embedded intentions. Listening well and thoughtfully, carefully choosing our words, noting our tone and managing non-verbal messaging can be ways to demonstrate respect. Of course they all require a commitment to developing self-management skills. Lots of good ideas that apply to self-management in the original blog post and the lively responses that followed. Thanks to all for sharing.
This post and the one from today are very telling for me. This is definitely something I need to work on. Thanks for the motivation to look within myself to make the change.
Listening is so important, especially in high stress situations when we are more likely to Yell at someone! Often if we just hear the whole story there is an easy, and much less exasperating, solution that will make both parties more satisfied. Can’t wait to read the book!
When our leaders talk but don’t listen, then they aren’t leaders. I have seen truly motivated people become ‘de-energized’ by people who are all about being in charge without understanding the consequences of their actions, or even caring about the ramifications of same. That to me is a fake conversation. We can either hope for a change in leadership or a change in the leader. Maybe a copy of John’s book landing on their desk would be a start!!
‘Motivation’ can be peculiar and is very personal. What motivates a leader to no longer lead, but follow…their own agenda?
Taking your eye of the ball, it’s going to happen; just remember to re-focus and get back in the game. Everybody likes the feel of a win…it feels even better to experience a ‘team’ win.
Love this quote: “if you talk like a fool, people determine you’re a fool”
I leave on time. I work p/t and have a young family. I also have a long commute. I work hard during my working day, and often do work on my train journeys or at home. Just because you can’t see someone working at their desk, it doesn’t mean they aren’t.
I found this post very interesting as I’m doing some work on my impact on others at the moment. I’m finding it tough but fascinating.
I was recently in a situation where my team’s task was to listen to another team’s deep concerns about a conflict of great complexity. My team listened with complete focus. At the end of the session, the other team said how much it meant to be heard and having been heard counted more than what my team would ultimately choose to do.
“Spot engaging in behaviors that devalue others by monitoring your emotions. Frustration or impatience with others signal that you stopped valuing them.” Many times the supervisor’s frustration with the situation can be read by the employee as frustration with the employee. Ensuring that emotional intelligence is in play is key, so that employees aren’t afraid to come to you with issues.
Hey thanks for posting this. I am always looking for ways to encourage and strengthen others. I could definately use tips on being a better leader.
I liked the post. In fact I believe that valuable communication is the essential ingredient for development of leadership qualities. I liked the quote “curiosity reestablishes respect and respect energizes. Thanks.
Taher
As an educator I feel that communication is a constant issue among educators, to admin, to parents, and to students. I think we can help establish a new way of communicating. It is not going to be easy or something that happens overnight, but if we really want change in anything we do, then it is time for honest and reflective talk that leads to results instead of constantly trying to convince ourselves that things are changing.
Two autopilot responses that irritate the you-know-what out of me…
1- (I ask someone how things are going…just to get started) The answer “…Great!!!…” If I am already aware that is not the case…the “great” comes across as a “grate” all over me!
2-When a response is “…well, we always done it this way…” If I ask why, generally it can’t be explained.
If my autopilot hears me say, in an insincere way, “Great!!”, I realize I have fallen into a rut…and it’s time to dig myself out. If I am able to ask, and maybe even answer in a curious way, maybe I can do the same for/with others.
Ernest Hemingway once wrote “Everything kills everything else in some way.” If the climate of your environment is low or in a dangerous place, considering that one of these methods of devaluing others could be the culprit could be a humbling start to turning it around. Healthy humility is such a great place to lead from!
It takes a self-aware leader/manager to even ask the question, “How is what I’m doing/how I’m acting, motivating or demotivating others?” How can we better build these emotional intelligence skills in managers? The reward for being skilled at EI as a manager is engaged employees, loyalty and retention. All good for productivity & the bottom line.
I am a huge advocate on being authentic! I teach law enforcement professions and hit on authenticity a lot. Too many people are busy speaking in business buzz words that it is truly obvious that they don’t care….
Thanks Brian. Interesting that buzz words may make us seem inauthentic. Interesting thought.
I find that when I truly listen to those I work with, those I serve, and those that lead me I am re-energized. Listening, truly listening revs me up because I become better at what I need to do to serve those around me because I understand them more completely. I also broaden my skills and think of ideas I never would have had on my own.
Dan, thanks for all the great posts and the opportunity to listen to many leadership mentors to help me strengthen my practice!!
The whole idea of being real appeals to me. It’s tricky because perceptions are involved and we form our opinions about others on the basis of the only two things available to us: what they say and what they do. So at least 50% of what we say determines what people think of us. As an introvert I also tend to do a lot of listening and asking questions. The aspect of taking care to ask positive questions is very pertinent. I have also learnt most of what I know from Howard Cook’s T3 performance management and leadership programme that shows how people decide on their level of commitment to you based on your ability to do three things: make good decisions, communicate effectively and motivate convincingly. Communication lubricates the engine of an enterprise.
When I become frustrated while attempting to communicate, and an employee doesn’t understand or doesn’t follow-through as I would like, I try and step back and ask myself “what am I doing to contribute to the unsatisfactory outcome or the miscommunication.” Sometimes it’s scary to ask for feedback, and absorb it when it’s difficult to hear. It usaully leads to a satisfying and growth enhancing outcome when I take a step back for the big picture and focus on the intention to explore and resolve unclear communication and understand myself and the dynamics with each of the people I supervise. Thanks for all of the thought provoking topics and strategies. I look forward to reading your e-mails and the responses every time.
Good morning Dan;
‘HEY’, is it too late to tell ya I’d like a copy of this book? 🙂
Cheers my freind & ‘Happy Solution-Saturday’ 2Ya ! ! !
SGT Steve; “Over-N-Out”, W A Y Out…
This article is a stepping stone for me that I am grateful for. I have noticed how some people leave me feeling whole, capable and healthy. Other people drain me and make me feel bloated and incapable. These observations led me to want to affect people the way the first group I described, healthy, and whole, complete because of their own confidence, never draining or dragging them. I think about this lately. I am glad you have given me guidance to answer for this goal. Thank you.