How to Get the Most From Irritating People
You don’t want to understand irritating people. You want to control, correct, or eject them. Leaders who don’t understand irritating people resort to authority and miss opportunity.
Influence and personal growth decline in proportion to negative reaction.
Understanding:
Irritating people judge you through the eyes of their strengths and the lens of their values. They like it when they see themselves in you and want to “help” when they don’t.
Frustration, affirmation, and judgement are windows.
Some frustrating people are fearful or angry. What does their desire for control tell you about their values and vision? What type of environment would result from adopting their guidance?
What do you know about people who are frustrated with change? They value stability, consistency, and predictability.
Affirmations also reveal values and strengths. Kind people love your kindness. Straight-shooters congratulate you for telling it like it is and tell you to get to the point when you don’t.
Message:
The person telling you what to do is telling you to be more like them.
Don’t let frustration drive your response. Learn and adapt, don’t react.
Adapt:
Be quiet with the quiet and aggressive with the aggressive. Kind people love your kindness, for example. The strategy of adapting even includes drama.
Someone’s all worked up over a “minor” situation. Get worked up too, at least momentarily. If you stay calm, they determine you don’t get it.
Before calming them down. Feel their drama. “Oh really! Tell me more.” Let them know you’re listening before explaining it’s not a big deal.
People struggle with the part of you that isn’t like them.
Growth:
Irritating people represent your greatest opportunity for growth and development. Growth begins with irritation.
Humility grows and adapts; arrogance reacts and attacks.
How do you deal with irritating people?
When an oyster becomes irritated, it produces a pearl.
Thanks roweeee. 🙂
To be honest, I usually let irritating people walk all over me. Give into their demands. Avoid the things which sets them off. Or I react badly myself. I can also avoid them. Obviously, I have quite a lot of room for improvement here.
Remember everyone is right in there own mind, what they don’t associate themselves with, will always be wrong in there eyes. Its best to only give what is asked for in most situations, more than likely it’s just respect. Just a thought…
‘consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds…’
Good morning Dan;
You got me thinking with your statement, “Influence and personal growth decline in proportion to negative reaction”. Although I’ve never heard or seen these words penned in this manner, I totally agree. Irregardless of the size, or nature of any given situation, it’s our ‘Attitude’, (positive or negative) that often drive and effect end results.
Ever notice how some folks just glide through life effortlessly, overcoming everyday problems that leave others frustrated & unproductive? They make life look easy because they do so with a positive attitude. We all face struggle’s and obstacle’s. Negativity see’s the problem, positivity finds the solution. Negativity keeps people mired in indecision. Positivity inspire’s resolution.
“Besides, who wants to hang with uh bunch of ‘Sour-Puss’ negative people anyhow”? I choose to live a positive life…
Good one my friend!
Cheers Dan
Steve
Dan,
I like the Sergeant Steve’s view.
The individuals who chose to be negative have only themselves to blame we all have choices, stay positive and weather the storm.
“Thanks Tim”
I think of blame, excuses making, denial, avoidance, and a myriad of other symptoms born out of negativity. Especially when faced with difficult circumstances & decisions, “do we really need the extra drama”??? Long live ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’…
Steve
Oh geez Dan, you are soooo damn irritating!
Totally sharing this with the team.
Great thoughts, Dan. I’d like to push back on one point, though. I find it a stronger gambit not to allow myself to get worked up when someone else is, even for a moment. There are two reasons for this. The first is that it is much more difficult to work with an individual who believes that he/she can push a button and get a predictable response. I don’t think that is healthy. I spent many years learning to “unwire” most (alas, not all) of my hot buttons. Second, it sends an inappropriate message to the rest of the team that I might not be in control. More often than not, I let the individual unwind by themselves, listening carefully to what they are saying. When the inevitable pregnant pause comes (the one where I am expected to respond), I begin seven questions. I will pick one point and ask a probing questions. Then I will probe the response, and so forth. Usually before we reach the seventh question, the individual is already discovering a different perspective without my having to say a word. It doesn’t always work, but active listening followed by good questions can usually turn a situation around.
Best regards.
Getting past the primal “this person just rubs me wrong” is difficult — sometimes I feel it just knowing they will cross my path! This is practice and action-able, in more than just an “I’ll tough this out” way — Thank you!
sometimes in a high stress environment – irritating people just add too much angst. I once had a chance to hire a strong tech who’s reference said – he’s a bastard but he can back it up. Given my team’s close working relationship and success – I passed. I found another talented guy who meshed.
To me it’s not worth it, life’s too short. One need not be irritating to help move the company ahead. But I agree that to discount someone because they are irritating comes at your own loss.
Dan, you didn’t just hit the target, you scored a bull’s eye with this one! Jimmy Collins
Oh, I read the headline wrong. I thought you used the word ‘irritating’ as a verb rather than an adjective. 😉
Dear Dan,
Liked the conclusion, “Humility grows and adapts; arrogance reacts and attacks”.
– Nothing much to comment. Leaders need to understand the reasons behind people becoming irritating and then correct it for them to contribute positively.
Form Dale Carnegie: Irritating people are lemons “sour. Make lemonade out of the situation.
I would like to “reblog” but there is no reblog button. So I will just “quote and unquote” and share. Thank you.
this is very good information – i am always in the heat of this topic since i swear people want clones! in our workplace and in our relationships!!
great support Dan
I totally subscribe to this Dan. In all good novels, unraveling the plot can be frustrating, yet we struggle to get to the end.
Very interesting! I need to start using this more often. It does come off a bit fake though, adapting to different people. How do you stay true to who you are while adapting to different personalities?
Thanks cinn. Important question. I bet your authentic self wants to connect with, understand, support, and encourage others. One important aspect of connecting is adapting. The important thing to do is not compromise your values while you adapt your methods. We shouldn’t feel like hypocrites when we adapt methods in the pursuit of noble goals. We should be proud of ourselves as long as we don’t adapt in ways that violate our values.
I truly enjoyed reading this blog post because I am one of those people who get irritated very easily. So I found it very insightful as well as a lot of your other posts! The part “Someone’s all worked up over a “minor” situation. Get worked up too, at least momentarily. If you stay calm, they determine you don’t get it,” made me laugh. I am one of those people who remain calm and do not let stress get the best of me. I don’t see a reason to get all worked up over the little things. Keeping a positive attitude can inspire those around you and create positive outcomes. Throughout the public relations industry or any industry for that matter, there will be people that get on others nerves and we need to learn how to handle it effectively for the sake of the company or project. More often than not, we will be working with others on jobs or tasks and it is important to see every ones point of view. Since I plan on entering the event planning industry I need to better my understanding of irritating people so that I can become a better leader.
This thoughtful post has been a help to me. I have been looking for a constructive way to deal with some people in my church who get all “worked up” over what I believe to be small and insignificant issues. I do not what to dismiss those people or their struggles, but I don’t believe they need two change the course or the culture of the church. Instead of reacting or attacking them, I will focus on what I am learning about their values so that I can minister to them in a better way.