How Questions Hinder Connection
Questions demonstrate interest and make people feel they matter.
Questions show respect, but reflection enables connection.
7 questions to evaluate your listening:
- What do you enjoy about listening?
- What does the speaker think about your listening?
- Why are you listening?
- What does your listening style reveal about your beliefs concerning yourself, others, and your role in the world?
- What frustrates you about listening? What do your frustrations say about you?
- How often do you feel antsy while you listen? What makes you antsy?
- How do people feel while you listen to them?
Experience suggests you aren’t as good at listening as you think.
Three types of listening:
- Transient listening – listening while thinking about what’s next – not really listening.
- Transactional listening – listening to get things done. (Important in organizational life)
- Transformational listening – listening to connect.
From: “Overworked and Overwhelmed,” by Scott Eblin.
Scott in his own words (1:54):
Transformational listening – listen to connect:
Every word or behavior that invites others to protect themselves from you, prevents them from connecting with you.
The door of connection swings on feeling understood. Too many questions block connection, but reflection makes people feel understood.
Reflection transforms relationships.
Stop questioning – start reflecting:
- Just say it back. Use their words. We love the sound of our own words coming from others.
- Express what you think they mean. Did you mean…?
- Share how you think they feel. Be prepared to adjust your thinking.
- Accept their message. Acceptance isn’t agreement.
- Forget your agenda.
- Forget fixing or solving.
- Ask, “Is there anything else?”
Bonus: Reflect and give the gift of silence.
Barriers go down when people feel understood. Aggression invites protection; reflection invites connection.
Surprising benefit:
Reflecting places responsibility where it belongs, in their lap, not yours. The speaker, not the listener, owns the message.
What does feeling listened to do for you?
How can leaders become reflective listeners?
**This post is based on my conversation with Scott Eblin, a person I respect.
Feeling Listen to makes me feel respected, appreciated, valued for our knowledge as a resource. Reflection would be bringing back the knowledge we learned from others to share with others for the betterment of others in some fashion.
Thanks Tim. Glad to see you on this chilly Saturday!
Questions can be helpful when we are doing study guides or personal self-help or during an initial interview when being admitted to hospitals, making purchases, hiring, or to inquire if we sense something is wrong in a relationship, etc.
One of my big bug-a-boos is the person who responds to a question with a question. Instead of answering the question, they avoid it and use a question of their own to deflect. It is definitely another way of interfering with connection.
The danger to reflective listening though is simply parroting back what someone says does not necessarily reflect that a person is listening. It’s a common technique that is used and it can often turn into just another way we go on autopilot in our conversations without actually making the other person feel deeply heard.
I feel listened to when someone takes an active interest in wanting to know where I’m coming from, and can do so without projecting any of their own opinions, judgments, values, preferences onto me. Sometimes we just want to be heard without someone trying to find a way to sell us something. That can be exhausting.
Good post Dan.
As..tHiS..HiT..Me °i°n The N”ö”SE…Hmm…°i°*Will*Tr*Y*..kN”ø”T…*2*ampPp*°i°T*”Ů”*…*”Õ”ar*..*Sh”ü”T*tHĘ*D”ö¿ö”R*…*”Ø”n*°i°T*..*L”ó”vę*”Ů”r*RËaD*z..smj/14
We only learn when we listen
Another “just in time” post, Dan. One day soon I will make it a point to find where you hid the camera in my office. 😃 Best regards.
Sometimes I believe unlearning is as important as learning. In fact, unlearning is learning! It’s almost as difficult to make a man unlearn his errors…as it is his “knowledge.”
For example, in this post we are not only learning the significance of listening, we are also “unlearning” how our old way of questioning may breed disconnection and even fear.
And why don’t our staff members respond? They may fear being blamed, judged, or disbelieved.
Great topic … a tip I like is “respect the pause”. We tend to be quite uncomfortable with a pause or gap in conversation post question … allowing for a “pregnant pause” can allow magic to happen … we need time to process / reflect for real shifts / thoughts to occur … if we are agenda free as you suggest Dan these pauses become easier and as Leaders this allows our teams to become empowered — they are solving their problems as opposed to us doing it for them ..
Thanks Dan. Listening is the most important attribute a person should possess. Attentive listening means that you are genuinely interested in knowing what the other person intends and speaks. It also provides an opportunity to question and seek clarification and enhance our learning. Listening is not complete unless we learn to to seek out. I have suffered from this syndrome quite a number of times in my career with not so good consequence. It took quite an effort to bring my mind to concentrate. Once I trained my mind I could visibly see the difference. Not that I am totally free from not listening. Even now there are times when I find it difficult to concentrate.
This point is well put: “Forget fixing or solving.“
That is a default response for me in many cases. It is a good reminder that solving is not always the right response (though it may come be relevant later).