I Woke Up Mad
I’m mad at someone who criticized my blog. He printed three posts and filled them with red circles.
What makes it worse? This person doesn’t write! They couldn’t write their way out of a wet paper bag. They have no right to criticize something they don’t do. Do they?
He poked my posts in my face and began to explain what was wrong with the lists. Then he circled more bad areas with his big red pen, while I watched.
It gets worse:
I’m mad over a dream. That’s right. The whole “circle in red” experience was a dream, but, I’m mad, never the less.
Feelings:
Don’t trust your feelings. They don’t know the difference between reality and fantasy. Remember the last time you jumped out of your seat at a scary movie? Was it real?
Trust your feelings when it comes to values, sometimes.
Listen to yourself when you say, “That doesn’t feel right.”
But, sometimes you feel one way in the morning and another way at night. Physical, mental, and emotional states matter in matters of the gut. Are you rested, frazzled, clear-headed, or stressed? You may feel different in the morning.
Worse yet:
A guy on the team suggested we focus on a new person in our organization. He felt he was a high-potential. I didn’t. We went with my gut. Turns out I was right. Now, whenever my gut differs with his, I justify myself with that memory. I over-generalize the accuracy of my gut.
Clash:
When two people collide over a decision, at least one of them is wrong.
Go with their gut when:
- Values and vision strongly align. Do you both want the same thing?
- They have more experience.
- They have more technical skill.
- All the information is on the table. They know what you know.
When do you go with your gut?
When do you go with someone else’s gut?
Hi Dan,
I use my gut and feelings to go searching for the information and data and support I need to make a decision, have a difficult conversation, lead a change or really, almost anything. I trust my gut to inform me AND I look for the data to support it.
Maybe this is too simplistic, but it seems to work for me. It is more of the “both/and” that I try to use when living my life.
Your dream can be used to inform your writing too. After all it is your dream.
Thanks for a good post,
Cindy Charlton
Thanks Cindy. I find your comment helpful. When something doesn’t feel right, gather information. I bet many of us have jumped to conclusions before getting the information.
The guy in the dream most likely represented my own self-criticism. If I’m mad at anyone, it’s probably me. 🙂 But, I think I’ll get over it. 🙂
Cheers
I love this post! I work on this everyday. I went through a great training with David Dornan about conflict and it has helped me be a better leader and person overall. It’s all about understanding that our opponents really are our partners when it comes to making a decision.
Mindfulness and presence. Having the presence to suspend the your inner voice of judgement, cynicism, fear and doubt and to see new possibilities from what emerges.
Thanks Kate. Opponents as partners is a powerful shift in thinking. glad you stopped in.
As always, another great post.
Four ways of knowing – use all of them:
– cognitive
– emotive
– felt
– instinct
If you are stuck using one way all the time, you might be missing out.
Thanks Mark. It’s great to have my thinking expanded. Jumping to a conclusion based on one channel gets us in trouble. Leaving out the cognitive and going exclusively with the emotional, for example. Cheers
Dan: Your post reminded me of a lession my mentor once taught me – “Those I respect will see things as they are…those that don’t, why do I respect them? (Or, why do I let them rent space in my head?)” If the “poison pill” or clash is obviously not consistent with what you value, then you can test their assumption on the face of it. Another early mentor advised: “If the shoe fits, wear it.” I still struggle with that one!
I value your guidance everyday…thanks for stepping up to the bench to help others – Brian
Thanks Brian. Values play such an important role in who to listen to. When someone’s values collide with our their way of seeing will collide as well. Obviously, diversity isn’t always a bad thing. But, a collision of values is a big deal. Glad you shared your insights.
Or maybe we should just get out of the gutter. Sorry Dan, I “felt” I just had to write that 🙂 Seriously though, feelings/emotions are important because they alert us to something we might not ‘see’. However, as you stated, feelings may not be supported by facts and therein lies the danger. So, I’ve learned to listen to my gut, but not necessarily to follow my gut.
Thanks J. Wow…your idea of listening but not necessarily following our gut is so helpful. Thanks!
Hello Dan,
Our gut feelings are about our experiences not the other person’s. Therefore, if our gut tells us something, then we need to look for information that either confirms or denies our gut feelings. I if we can’t confirm it, then we need to ignore it.
Thanks Bob. I get in trouble when I think my gut is about others. My response to others is MY response. 🙂 Very helpful. Cheers
The person in your dream may have had a red pen with which to make circles on your blog. Here, I can only write my thoughts. But I do believe that some of this post is wrong. You state that “when two people collide over a decision, at least one of them is wrong.” That is true if, and only if, the solution to the matter they are deciding is known, or knowable. In fairly simple or obvious situations, everyone who sees the problem should know and agree on the solution. In more complicated matters, experts can offer us a range of solutions, in which we can have confidence. In these cases, disagreement means “at least one” of the differing opinions in the room is wrong. But- not all challenges that leaders and others face are either simple or complicated. Many of the most important challenges are complex. Solutions are simply not now knowable. Many leaders fear this absolute truth. They hire consultants who promise results, and who do over here, what they did over there. Then blame the client for the failure to achieve an intended outcome. At a session with Margaret Wheatley (herself no slouch on the ways of leadership), she said of our differing views “what if everyone in the room is right?” Not possible in the world of your statement above. But… Possible in the very real world of the comp,ex challenges leaders face every day. The challenges with unknowable unknowns. No solutions at the present. How can we stop ISIS? How can we restore positive relations between the citizens of Ferguson, and the police? How should we respond to global climate change? In the end, many years after the initial discussions and disagreements, and in retrospect, we may know whose ideas were right. Or even more likely to have worked. But in the present, seek first to understand the problem. Ask everyone for their response. In the face of the most complex challenges, leaders and others must decide. We must choose, based hopefully on the most information we can get, and the broadest range of perspectives available. And understanding that everyone in the room might be right, right now.
Bruce Waltuck
Thanks Bruce. I’m so thankful you added your insights. The idea that when two people disagree at least one of them is wrong isn’t ALWAYS true. Good call.
When my wife read today’s post, she said that she didn’t agree with that statement. 🙂
It’s a wise person who knows when their spouse is right 🙂
I’ll go with your gut on that one! 🙂
Great post as usual Dan, reminds me of Sir Chris Hoy (11-time world champion and 6-time Olympic champion cyclist) who in his autobiography talks about conquering his ‘inner chimp’ .
That’s shorthand for the emotional response completely overtaking rational thought, leading to in his case, paralysing fear before every race.
Chimp, gut fear or reaction, all need to be worked with – though NB not ignored, agrreing with J Forsyth above!
Thanks Nick. You started me thinking about my “negative gut” who keeps telling me I’m a loser. Glad you stopped in. Good stuff
I trust my gut more and more each day. I believe it is your cumulative experience and knowlege that you subconsciously feel when assessing a situation/circumstance. It usually isn’t wrong.
Thanks Matt. The first time I saw your idea articulated was in Jack Welch’s book Winning. You are in pretty good company! Your comment supports the idea that when someone has more experience than we have, it’s better to go with their gut.
Thanks for the post, Dan. You’ve articulated very clearly when leaders should exercise their intuition based on the situational variables surrounding them. I like the part where you mentioned,”Trust your feelings when it comes to values, sometimes.” This may be the one exception when you can trust your gut.
Thanks Albert. When our feels reflect our values, it seems they can’t lead us “wrong.” However, many decisions include much more than values, nasty things like data and information, for example. I think our values guide us as we evaluate information…how we weigh it. So glad you added your insights.
Dreams are powerful! I believe our dreams are our unconscious mind bringing something to the conscious mind that needs to be known. This is especially true when we wake with a strong emotion such as anger, fear, or sadness (or even elation!). Only you can interpret the meaning of a dream, though. What did your dream really say . . . ?? At first glance, I’d think that this blog is your baby and we all know the protective instincts of a parent for their baby. Right? Maybe. Maybe not.
No red circles from me. I enjoy your perspective and your blog just the way it is! 🙂
Thanks Dianna. Maybe the guy with the red pen is me. 🙂
Your quote reminds me of the age old quote by General Patton, “If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn`t thinking.” When everyone nods in agreement, even about shared complaints, nothing is going to change. It’s better to have a right and a wrong opinions versus a consensus of nodding that prohibits healthy debate and better decisions.
Having recently changed jobs after 12 years, I can honestly say I am relying more on my gut feeling, or sixth sense as a manager than ever before. There’s nothing like being a part of a new organization and having a new team to make you do some serious reflection as a manager.
Thanks Bridget. I find your current situation most interesting. It seems to validate the connection between intuition and experience. Cheers and best wishes with the new job.
Funny thing – in education we’ve been encouraged to move away from “cardiac data” and make decisions based on quantifiable evidence. However, a teacher that is attuned to the different needs of his or her classroom can connect at a different level than other teachers and will know his or her students more deeply and be more effective as an educator. Much of the data the teacher collects isn’t on a daily, weekly, or common core assessment. It’s little things they know from their experience over time, it’s their instinct. Those that develop these instincts are the most effective in their professions.
Some teachers are gifted and able to follow their instincts from day one – others develop it over time and become better teachers with age. These are the types of teachers I want working with my children and working in my building! Decisions in education should be based on data AND teachers need to use/develop their instincts as well.
Lance, sounds like you love your profession, love being a teacher, love the students, love the use of your heart–or as you say “cardiac data”–even though there are so many bureaucratic
reasons not to. I congratulate and honor you for what you have chosen to do.
In medicine I personally want and strongly encourage medical students to use their heart, intuition, emotions, feelings, and their “gut” much more than just to rely on the data that comes from technology or lab reports. I expect students to truly reach out and touch patients to the point that people “feel felt.” I want medical students to have a love of learning–just like yourself and your students.
Both of us have educational mandates and parameters, and we are expected to fulfill them via assessments and final exam. However, all “my” MCAT (like “your” Common Core) data and nomenclature flies out the window the moment students come into my sphere of influence, Didactically and clinically my role is about encouraging student ideas, creativity, and imagination while also providing a strong academic foundation. I try to create real-world experiences and thought-provoking activities to help students develop the ability to think critically, to use and question a variety of sources of information, and to apply their knowledge to solve complex problems.
And insofar as assessment, it is up to me to help students refine their skills by requiring use of those skills again and again, in context, for a purpose, and in ways that encourage high standards for each student as individuals. Students are assessed continuously through their daily work. I engage students in discussion and take note of how they articulate ideas. I ask them to show what they know in a variety of ways, including writing, constructing projects, using computer applications, creating drawings, and performing. I examine their work to assess the quality of their learning, determine what they still need to know, and plan what to teach next. This kind of on-the-spot assessment helps ensure that no student falls by the wayside–or continues through the curriculum with no gaps in his or her understanding.
Yes, I use state and national curriculum standards to provide a framework for learning goals. But, they are only my guide to go beyond, and design thoughtful instruction. The combination of structured goals and engaging experiences help students develop a lifelong love of learning.
Hey Books. Just wanted to say thanks for joining the conversation. very helpful.
Thanks Lance. Your comment reminds me of the genius of the AND. It sounds a lot like emotional intelligence as much as intuition. But, then again, perhaps the two are connected. Best wishes
Another great post and many insightful comments! A highlight for me: “I over-generalize the accuracy of my gut.” This has certainly been my experience and that of others I have worked with. We find ourselves more easily remembering the times our gut was right versus when it was wrong. I prefer to be one of those who listens to many and talks to few, rather than one who talks to many and listens to few (or to no one). Thanks again for all your work!
Thanks Jim. Glad to read that others can over-generalize in their own favor. This tendency goes beyond intuition. It’s important to hang on to the idea that we could be wrong. It keeps us open and curious.
I prefer to call it a “gut check” as opposed to simply going with my “gut”. I always think a devil’s advocate and opposing views help to understand the “feasibility” and / or “consequence” of any decision.
Great posts as always Dan.
Thanks Redge. Great seeing you again. Your perspective is helpful in this conversation. “Gut check” keeps the door open for intuition but doesn’t mean it’s the only tool in the shed for decision-making.
Another great post Dan and I thank You
Ahh…. Trusting Intuition, Gut Feeling, Solar Plexus etc. is a favorite topic of mine also.
Over the past 72 years I have found that my “Intuition” (generated from the subconscious) has usually always been right.
This became even more evident as I “matured” at age 17 and immersed my time in some of Classics of the Modern Thought Movement, discussing the Phenomena.
“Quantifiable Evidence” (mentioned by Lance) I have found is usually really only someone else’s opinion. That was evident to me after 4 years of Life Science Research.
I suggest everyone get a FREE copy of Haanel’s The Master Key (click to my site and go to Library). This book has influenced my lifestyle since 1960
Thanks Chuck. I’m a huge fan of diversity. Glad you jumped into this conversation. I still feel skeptical about the infallibility of intuition. To fit into your paradigm, my gut says it isn’t always right. (sorry I couldn’t resist. Thanks again for joining in. Cheers
Dear Dan,
It is very challenging question. I go with my gut when I expect to get desired outcome. It needs information, trends, risk and will power. When past trend and risk taking capacity aligns, will power helps to take decision. Going with gut without any data or information is not good idea. In fact it is like blind gut.
Going with someone else’s gut is dependent on many things. First thing is our reliability and trust on source. It means when I trust someone, then I may go on someone else’ gut. secondly, when I know the expertise of the person, then also I can go with gut. Finally, it is also our assessment about other gut feeling. When we also feel the same as other feel, then it is more likely, that I can go with other’s gut.
Thanks Dr. Gupta. I’m thankful for your comments. The inclusion of trust and reliability when we go with someone else’s intuition is an important addition. Thanks for joining in. Cheers.
“Conflict is a gateway to creativity.” I don’t know who first said this, it could have been me! But I do know that it is foundational to how I am in the world and how I perceive conflict of any size between any party. Something is trying to emerge. I try to be a midwife to that emergence.
Applying the above: What might be trying to emerge through the ISIS violence? I don’t have to agree or like what is happening but it helps me look at things through a lens that is much larger, takes in a whole system (the world) and covers a long term perspective.
I like this blog. I like how transparent and real you are in the blog Dan. I like the wisdom and energy within the posts. I like the kind of conversations it starts and the learning it engenders.
Thanks Dan for you following your values and your gut!
PS:About the dream…I might try (if you remember) writing down everything circled in red and read it out loud just to see what might be there. Like it is a code you are attempting to decipher. Just an idea that came to me in writing to you. Have fun with it.
Thanks Nancy. I’m glad you joined the conversation. When it comes to conflict, sometimes going with our intuition closes our mind to others. Sometimes it might be useful to suspend those initial feelings so we can stay curious.
Thanks for your kind works. Best wishes
Critics come in all shapes and forms. Everyone is not going to appreciate your writing the way that you do. Freedom of speech will always be a two way street. Find the positives and run with them.
Thanks Soam. Glad you stopped in. Cheers
Well, jeepers, Dan.. you’re human! 🙂 Seems us homo sapiens spend a fair amount of time trying to reach a consensus, if not with ourselves (via dreams or conscious wrestling) then with others around us. This dream is already providing you with more subject opportunities, so that’s a good thing. 🙂
Thanks Doug. Any comment with “jeepers” in it, gets a thumbs up from me. 🙂
The dream is paying of in a series of wonderful comments. Can’t be that. Cheers.
It’s difficult to control your dreams, so don’t beat yourself up too much. Even if you follow Ephesians 4:26, stuff happens during REM. I still occasionally have dreams (+3 decades later) about showing up for a college final exam and realizing I haven’t attended class all semester.
I concur with the danger of over-generalizing competency after victory (Proverbs 16:18). It’s so easy to do and so satisfying until you stumble.
Thanks Jeff. Thanks for a reminder of the danger of over-generalizing. Best wishes
Gut instinct…intuition…common sense. Whatever you call it, listen. Take note. Check it out. Get your facts straight. Seek sage advice. Mull it all over in private. Then act! With tact, wisdom, wit, and great respect for all concerned!
Thanks Painting. You’ve given us a series of ideas that help flesh out the decision-making process. Cheers
Could totally relate to this post!
Sometimes I get a “mad-dream” and I wake up allowing that emotion to takeover my day.. Which turns out to be the stupidest thing ever! Cuz I’m allowing a “false” feeling to control my life.
But gut feelings and integrity-intuition is a completely different matter. Stick with your values and don’t lower the integrity-ruler in your heart even if someone insists.
Believe in yourself and others will believe in you too !
Anna x
Thanks Anna. I love the term “mad-dream.” It gives a whole new meaning to getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Best for the journey. Cheers
Another thought provoking post and a great “gut check” (yes, pun intended). Data doesn’t lie and is a great foundation for decision making. There may be two good answers where neither is wrong. Taking ego out of the equation, what is the best path for the team? Change is constant; continuous improvement is critical. Knowing enough to own and admit a “miss” is critical to peers and management for credibitility.
♥…hi Dan! How are you #Feeling today (#SpirituallyMentallyAndPhysically)?
I consider myself a #SpiritualBeing, experiencing Life as a #HigherShadeOfBrown American of #AfricanAncestry, with an #AthleticallyProfessional pedigree, teaching the #LanguageOfEmpathy with my Father (who’s #LGBT)
If “emotions are the words we give, to the physical manifestation of our Values Interpretation” (ie Need for Respect isn’t met by what someone said, & our perception generates sadness), then I’m feeling torn! I’m with ya on the illusion, & @ the same time believe that in the moment, it’s who we think we are (& desire Understanding for)
…if Intuition is that guiding #EnergySource emanating from Abundance & Love, where outuition is the projection of pre-judgement coming from scarcity & fear, I like to follow my Intuition, without being led by my outuition (aka stereotypes, bias, etc…eg Intuition: Woman who smiles @ me on elevator, & says “Have you been to India? You seem very Ahimsa” eg outuition: 10s later, Woman gets on elevator & clutches her purse, Ahimsa energy or not) 😉
Love, SiMBa (#SpiritMindBody, with inspiration and abundance mixed in, aka Tony Scruggs)
“Some people make the current paradigm more effective, and some make #MoreEffective paradigms” ~SiMBa
I just returned from a program to become certified in delivering EQ assessments. A statement at the program was never ignore your emotions as they are driving the bus. That doesn’t mean turning over control of our life to our emotions, but it does mean we need to check in with our emotions to learn what they are trying to tell us.
With regard to the guy your gut told you had low potential: Do you think it possible that he may have been given more opportunities and achieved more, if he didn’t need to battle his own obstacles, as well as those placed there by your gut?