How to Deal with Honest Self-Deception
You know when you deceive others, but you deceive yourself with a clear conscience.
Self-deception feels like honesty.
You beat yourself up when you should encourage yourself. Or, you let yourself off too easily. Don’t feel bad. It’s natural.
Self-reflection requires honesty.
7 Signs of self-deception:
- You’re always wrong. Everyone else is smarter and more talented.
- You’re always right. You don’t intentionally choose wrong. Who does? Of course you’re right.
- You deserve better. Self-justification blocks useful self-reflection. Employees pilfer because the company or boss has done them wrong. They deserve it.
- Defensiveness. Strong reaction to small disagreements, correction, or resistance points to self-deception.
- Blame. It’s always their fault. Self-help doesn’t work if everyone else needs the help.
- Entitlement. You deserve special treatment because you’re the boss.
- Martyrdom. No one cares as much or works as hard as you.
Honest self-reflection:
- Would you like to be your friend? Every once in awhile, my wife treats me like I’m treating her. I don’t like it.
- Reflect on your behaviors with values in mind, not other people. Self-reflection, that’s mostly about others, is self-deception.
- What does your controlling attitude say about you?
- Consider the opportunities of your weaknesses.
- Ask others what behaviors hold you back. A person who never sabotages herself has arrived. Chances are you haven’t.
- Explore the possibility that you’re wrong, if you’re the person who always feels right.
- Explore the possibility that you’re right, if you’re the person who always feels wrong.
- Explore the possibility that you’re partially right and partially wrong.
- Listen to frustrations. What do recurring frustrations say about you?
- What did you do yesterday that moved you toward greater service and fulfillment?
- Why, at the end of the day, do you wonder what you did all day?
- How are you moving toward personal goals? Honest self-reflection requires goals.
How might leaders deal with self-deception?
How might leaders move toward honest self-reflection?
Love these tips! I try to do these myself, but it is always good to get a reminder. Thanks and Happy New Year!
Thanks Sue. Taking time to reflect is at the heart of growth. Congratulations and Happy New Year!
I like number 1, What I will write may be a little out of focus but this happened to me. I told my wife for one year I will kiss her at least once a day, for everyday I would forget, I kissed her 10 ten times. The next year I gave her a choice, kiss her twice a day or shake her hand every day. That was last year, she chose the two kisses, if I missed she got 20. I’m a public speaker and on occasions forgot to kiss my wife before we left for the event. I have stopped more than once speaking, explained to the people my promise and then kissed my wife, publicly. I didn’t miss often because 20 times in one day gives chapped lips. So this year I told her, I was not going to kiss her as before but I was going to let her kiss me. Sure enough, first thing that happened for the New Year, she kissed me. Number 1 works pretty good sometimes, if you use it right.
Thanks Ron. Love your story! Happy New Year
This is perhaps one of the greatest challenges for all of us in positions of leadership. There is an expectation, right or wrong, that we know what is right and do what is right. This is more our issue than those that follow us. The ability to be truly objective about our performance, our thoughts, our motives, requires a great deal of self-awareness. It is a hard, but very necessary ability for a leader to go far.
Thanks for another great post!
Thanks Jay. To make matters even more challenging, it’s very rare for leaders to have people around them who are willing to speak openly and honestly.
Happy New Year
One of the best leadership books I ever read was Leadership and Self-Deception. I make my entire leadership team read it too.
Thanks Marc. Sounds like a book I should put on my list.
Great question in honest reflection – “What did you do yesterday [today / last week] that moved you toward greater service and fulfillment?” I ask myself, clients this type of question often … if it becomes a habit to ask this honestly and talk it out / journal it then I find myself preparing for it in advance – it becomes a way of life – with that said it doesn’t keep me out of the first bucket – specifically Martyrdom 🙁 — the upside I still have one thing for 2015 🙂 well maybe more than one …..
I call those Mind Monsters. I had to deal with self-hatred, and along with depression, it didn’t lead me to the proper direction. I love that photo, my world in my head was upside down.
Always a great read always something to think and more importantly do something about – Happy New Year
Good points to go through! One additional aspect could be the challenge of looking at things from the perspective of the people around you. Attunement I believe it’s the word? How can one enhance awareness in that aspect of responsiveness?
Thank you for these thoughts. They are the kind of thing that would be good for me to work through a couple of times of year. Happy New Year.
Leaders need to be honest and truthful with themselves and their workers. If you chose deception as a tool shame on you. “What a wicked web we weave when we have chosen to deceive”!
This book https://arbinger.com/product/the-choice/
Helps to reveal the resistant vs responsive way… For many leaders this is an easier more thought provoking read than the parable of leadership and self deception…
Great vulnerable insights Dan, really enjoy your reality checks and challenges.