How to Coach Angry Leaders
Frustration, used well, fuels transformation. Avoiding it is embracing stagnation.
I love talking and listening to frustrated leaders. Sure they may say some dumb things, but they say what they mean. Well, to be honest, they might say more than they mean.
3 opportunities:
I’m not advocating temper tantrums, whining fits, emotional explosions, lack of emotional control, or abuse of any kind. I’m saying, get in touch with frustration.
Listen to frustration. It shows you three things.
- Who you are. Frustration begins with others, but it’s really about us.
- What matters to you.
- What needs to change.
Don’t say, “Calm down,” when you encounter an angry leader.
Coaching an angry leader:
- What’s got you so fired up?
- What makes this important to you?
- What does frustration say about you?
- What would you like to do about that?
Pivotal moment:
Use anger’s energy to motivate positive action.
The next time you encounter a frustrated colleague, enter into their frustration. Don’t fix it or ignore it.
Big challenge:
Frustration often erupts over things outside your control. The coach’s challenge is helping coachees find things within their control.
Some things aren’t going to change. The issue isn’t governmental regulation, for example, it’s lost productivity and higher costs. Focus your energy on improving efficiencies and lowering costs.
Focus on things you can change; embrace things you can’t.
Athletics:
You can’t control referees and umpires. Focus on your own game. Forget the rest. The same applies to dealing with frustration.
Successful coaches help players:
- Dig below frustration.
- Tap into what matters.
- Focus on things within their control.
- Forget what they can’t control.
What are the opportunities of frustration?
How might leaders deal with the dangers of frustration?
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I’m excited to announce a partnership with Clarity Development Consulting to offer the proven “Coaching for Engagement” program. Drop me an email if you’d like to explore Bob Hancox and me coming to your organization.
Excellent read
Jim
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Thanks Jim.
Brilliant. Approaching frustration in this way helps everyone search for solutions more effectively. Spot on as usual Dan. 🙂
Thanks Stuart. Searching for solutions. That’s the trick. 🙂
I love the question “what’s important to you about this”. It really helps to get at the positive aspects of the frustration.
-Sherri
Thanks Sherri. It’s one of my favorites. Plus, it helps people feel like you are taking them seriously.
Dear Dan,
I liked your statements – “You can’t control referees and umpires. Focus on your own game. Forget the rest. The same applies to dealing with frustration.”
Frustrated leaders need to be listened to what difficult situations they came across and the way they handled the same. They need to be guided and motivated with the alternate possible solution that they might have considered and tried to save the situations. I am in agreement that transformation efforts can re-energize and induce them to bounce back with new opportunities to succeed and prove their mettle.
Thanks Dr. Asher. I enjoy the expression “bounce back” in this context. Anger can be an energy drain if we don’t deal with it well. If we address the heart of the issue, we bounce back.
I have heard it said, “Frustrations are born out of unmet expectations.” This phrase has been helpful to me when thinking about frustrations in my organization. When I get frustrated, I am quick to ask myself, “What expectation did I have? Was that expectation communicated to the object of my frustration? How can I articulate my expectation more clearly next time?”
Thank you for the post!
Thanks Bruce. Your question is very helpful. I’m going to remember it. The last part is particularly important. “How can I articulate my expectation more clearly next time. Often we are frustrated because we don’t speak up or, if we do, we aren’t clear.
Hey Dan
We need to consider others ‘perception’ when speaking about expectations. What we say is not always communicated properly. Leaders must take the time to consider how others interpret our message. Asking team members to ‘Parrot-Back’ your direction makes it perfectly clear weather or not your all working from the same sheet of music.
Cheers my friend
Steve
You can also try “What would you like to say to (the person or thing that is frustrating you) if you weren’t being polite?” (and they couldn’t retaliate, ever). This get’s the feelings out, where they do less harm. Quite often people need encouraging to be direct and when they have heard themselves say it, they feel empowered. I have even, literally, encouraged angry clients to thump a cushion! This only works when you have a lot of trust but after several thumps clients feel better and have new thoughts!.
Thanks Nick. Very helpful question. I’m excited to see so many useful insights in the comments. Love it.
Great post Dan. I came across the 4 second response method. Sometimes I see a person’s frustration causes defensiveness in others (including myself) which can quickly turn the conversation to a blame game. The 4 second response method slows down one’s reaction and places focus on achieving the end result not the response. I have found using this method in conjunction with your tips such as this post, I have made positive changes in my communication. Thank you.
Thanks Mike. Absolutely. Our frustration causes others to put up self-protective walls, when it comes out hot. I have a couple people in my life that I can let it out with… What a gift.
Thanks Sara
I’ve used this same concept with my children where dealing with stress is concerned. “If you can change it, or, do something about it,(GO-4-IT ), If not, LET IT GO”…
Steven
I love your comparison to athletics. Getting fired up about things we can’t control is a waste of time and energy. Focus on the things that we can control.
Thanks Sarah. Your good word is an encouragement. Cheers.
Really interesting post today Dan – I feel frustration shows a desire to make things better but may show that the path of how to do so is unclear. Also that unmet frustration easily turns into resentment.
Thanks Heather. Brilliant break down. I see the anger…NOW, if we can just see the path forward. 🙂
How do you know exactly what I need to work on? I was feeling very frustrated yesterday and your questions helped me to move beyond to the real issues! Thanks, Dan!
Thanks Jill. I guess I just got lucky… or you got UNlucky.. 🙂 Cheers
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Thanks trbl13. Glad to “UNJUNK” your brain.
I like “What’s got you so fired up?” It’s neutralizing without being patronizing 🙂
Thanks Emily. We get more angry if we feel people aren’t paying attention. 🙂
I like your comments around exploring the internal aspects of frustration and agree this can provide a great opportunity for the leader to better understand who they are and what is going on for them. Exploring requires curiosity and if the leader can become curious about what is going on for them, dopamine will be released and if they can continue to be curious and explore, oxytocin is also released enhancing a heart brain connection and a general sense of ‘feeling good’ which will help the leader zero in on what is going on for them, gain clarity and develop strategies for moving forward successfully. Neuroscience offered is from ‘Conversation Intelligence’ by Judith Glaser.
Thanks Kathy. Always glad to see your comments. Thanks for mentioning Glaser’s book, Conversational Intelligence. I found it very useful.
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As with Jill above, have you bugged my phone? Your posts always address something that I struggle with.
Thanks th. It’s pure joy to be on the journey with you.
Good morning Dan
Good Morning Dan;
I can relate to today’s blog. As you know, I have been the target of several angry leaders for over three years. These individuals blocked what amounted to the opportunity of a lifetime for me. When asked why my involvement in this opportunity was denied, the response from my ultimate on site authority responded, BECAUSE I CAN… Being an X-Marine, his statement proved to be a pill too large to swallow.
The leadership style of this man and his direct subordinates was based on position, power, and authority, which they continually protected at all cost. Decision making authority belonged to them, and them alone. It was perfectly clear who the boss was as each took the opportunity to remind their people, and myself, almost daily.
I on the other hand, strongly believe in the principals of Character-Based Leadership, applying it’s leadership principals to my personal and work life. As well, I do presentations on Character-Based Leadership at Statewide Symposiums, to Private Business and Churches.
Following this disappointing decision I focused on the issue’s where I had influence, was prepared with short, concise answers to my leaders daily questions, and did my best not to allow frustration to control my thought life. I remained focused on things things within my control. NOTHING WORKED.
My style of leadership was in direct conflict with theirs and they did not let me forget it. I was faced with some tough decisions. Abandon my personal beliefs, quit, retire, or surrender. I choose NONE OF THE ABOVE.
Years ago a good friend, mentor, & superior shared some thoughts and insights with me that proved to be quite useful. His advice was as follows, “anytime individuals are acting well beyond the scope of their authority in, or an unacceptable manner, Top Brass in your organization need to know. Hence, I was forced into the role of a ‘Whistle-Blower’. I knew in my heart that what I was doing was the right thing to do. However I realize that doing the right thing may result in additional negative consequences for me. I was willing to face those consequences. I DO NOT advocate this approach to everyone. Things got VERY uncomfortable for awhile. In the end, the #1 ranking authority on site was ‘Terminated’, #2 & #3 were transferred to other locations within the organization, and one mid-level manager has been ‘strongly urged’ to change his ways or else.
Many say that I have been vindicated. Maybe so. I can say however that I do not ever want to face such circumstances again. I felt that my reputation and credentials would protect me from such treatment. “I was wrong”!
One could say that this frustration has transformed me.
My participation with your blog is almost always positive Dan. “My apologies today for the negative story”. My intent this morning was to share my experience with others as honestly as I could, to let people know that even the most humble, honorable attempts to make things better for others, CAN have negative consequences.
(Sometimes, good-people DO have to fight ‘The-Good-Fight’)…
Cheers Dan
P.S. Two days after the termination and transfers, the Academy reached out, AGAIN, for my involvement in the department New Leadership Initiative.
‘Breakfast’?
Very nice approach to a frustrated leader, but what if the leader is still frustrated or angry. This is common place where I work. I calmly approach my leader, but the questions to help through the situation only makes it worse and a finger pointed back at me. My leader is a master deflector. Any suggestions?
Thanks 2b. It’s frustrating when we can’t control others. The only thing you can control is you. If you have clearly expressed concerns and offered suggestions, you’ve done what you can. The question becomes, who do you want to be? Best wishes for the journey.
Yup, Yup. Always a good reminder and not to let get to me.
Cheers!
First things first: as the emotions cut in the brain cuts out. In dealing with angry leaders one has to drain the swamp. Let them get it out of their system and then they’ll be in a better frame to make sense of their actions.
Too often we start to intervene when they are far too hot to handle.
Persistence, a level of patience and a level of passive listening, not being offended by what they say. Wait out the storm and then help them find a calmer and better path.
I’m very glad to found this post as it has reminded me of Training of Aikido principles I have attended long time ago. Use the Energy for Building not destroying. Great post!
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