How to Overcome a Negative Past
An unresolved past grows heavier with the passage of time. Little mistakes grow larger. Offenses get heavier. Failures persecute.
The past crushes those who hang on to it.
The older you get the more you see what you could have done, but didn’t.
Let go of the past every morning. Don’t worry, its bony finger will return tomorrow.
Own it:
One way to release a negative past is to own it. When you think of your failure, say, “Yes, I did that.”
Everyone who buries the past uncovers it in the future.
Whiners imagine the past can change. All who feel sorry for themselves are controlled by the past.
Don’t react against your negative past. Release it by owning it.
The negative past of others:
The way to get the best from people is to treat them with their potential, not their failure, in mind.
Every morning, let go of their past.
- Give second chances if they have passion to grow.
- Acknowledge successes without reminders of failure. It’s difficult to lift people higher by beating them down. “You did great this time,” is an insult in disguise.
- Design all feedback as a forward facing experience. Establish simple, actionable, observable behaviors.
- Focus on progress more than failure.
- Maximize their passion. Maybe they don’t want to go where you want them to.
Repeated failure:
Everyone doesn’t do everything well. Successful leaders bring out everyone’s best and minimize their worst.
Repeated failure is a leadership issue. You want to blame them, but you allow it to continue.
Realign, retrain, or reassign. Replace, if necessary, when progress falls below expectation. But, always act with their best interest in mind.
Everyone has a past. What you do with it impacts your future.
How might leaders deal with the negative past of others?
How might leaders get the most from a negative past?
Excellent. One challenge I find in working with leaders who have been at the same company for a long time, is that they have trouble overcoming their past, because those above have long memories. When I ask, “what about John? He seems to have great potential….” I’m often met with stories from over a decade ago. Really? Most leaders mature. It’s vital that we allow their reputations to mature with them.
KaPow!!
I love that guidance, to “…allow their reputations to mature with them.”
To help others–and ourselves–move toward our potential: Together!
Thanks Ken. The idea of allowing one’s reputation to mature is fascinating.
Dan you have an uncanny ability to write posts that address my current thoughts. I have been on both the receiving and the giving end of treating someone based on their potential rather than their past and the results are phenomenal. I published a LinkedIn post from the perspective of the one with the past. My message was not delivered anywhere near as eloquently as yours. I missed the whole own it part and think I may revise. Thanks for your mentoring from afar!
Thanks Sarah. Your transparency is remarkable. I always enjoy it when leaders say, “I hadn’t thought of that.” I like to say it myself. I think it makes others feel valuable.
Dan,
None of us can change yesterday as your aware, if we made a mistake, hopefully you learned from i,t so you will have a better day today allowing you to navigate into tomorrow! If we do not change by our mistakes we have no one to blame but ourselves! Depending on the mistake we may not see tomorrow though, as some mistakes will end our journey sooner than expected!
Thanks Tim. Your thoughts made me think about the importance of having people in our lives who speak the hard truths. (Don’t ask me where that came from but I’m thankful.)
Good Morning Dan:
Thank you for the reminder about the “insult in disguise”. Too often–intentionally or unintentionally–we wield our words in destructive ways. I appreciate the small reminder to be winsome; that is, winning others over, in our speech.
Two items:
(1) A mentor once told me, “We tend to remember what it is that we need to forget and we tend to forget what it is that we need to remember.” His statement was in reference to “failing fast” by recognizing the failure, learning from the failure, and then continuing to run ahead. This post serves as a good reminder of failing fast.
(2) The failures of others seem so apparent until we remember where we have come from. I seem to recall a statement about leadership that went something like this, “Show me a successful leader and I’ll show you a person who has learned to be an expert fail-er.” The content behind the statement was in reference to the growth leaders’ gain during failing moments—small or large. With that, when we—as leaders—think of others failure, we should first remember how mentors, bosses, co-workers, our spouse, et cetera, provided us multiple chances for recovery in full view of our failures. This grace—as some call it—gives the leader the fuel to press on past the mistakes of others and encourage his fellow “fail-ers” to reach their full potential.
Cheers!
Thank you Bruce. I LOVE the word, “winsome.” Powerful.
I’m going to tweet: “We tend to remember what it is that we need to forget and we tend to forget what it is that we need to remember.” Anonymous. (If attribution is allowed. Please let me know.)
Excellent. Today’s Wall Street Journal has a story about the grandson of Rudolph Hoess and how is trying to overcome the failures and evil of his grandfather. He is not his grandfather but the legacy hangs over him. Thanks, Dan. I need to keep this in mind as a pastor and as a father – seeing the potential in my congregants and in my children, not defining them by what they did in the past. Let go of other’s pasts, too. Wonderful insight.
Thanks Pete. I was thinking of how Jesus met Peter on the beach, after his three denials. He didn’t bring up the past. He asked him about his current commitment and then pointed him into the future.
I think it’s something that all of us carry with themselves. I think I would appreciate and acknowledge their past and understand it and be emphatic to them. Try at least to place myself in their ‘person’ and view it from their person!
How I would deal with it? I focus on the present and dream about the future. A better present and improved. With more beauty. So acknowledging and accepting it is already much. Then I am not living in the past, I tend to remember flashes from the past and take learning from my growth in the past and appreciate and be thankful for what I am today. Because of my past.
Thanks Books. The team “beauty” jumps out to me. Leaders need to use more of that type of language.
Thank you. Your emails are frequently *exactly* the things I need to hear – both personally and professionally.
Best, Karen
Thank you Karen. It’s a joy to be of service. Thanks for a word of encouragement.
Great post today, thank you!
“The way to get the best from people is to treat them with their potential, not their failure, in mind.”
..such a vital leadership quality, and (in my mind) the essence of helping others grow/unlock all their potentials…
Thanks Ken. So true. How can we participate in the growth of others if we don’t believe in their potential? 🙂
Hi Dan, interesting reading this post. Coincidentally I am in the process of preparing a similar post on “the hidden powers of life experiences”. When looking at some people it seems that life is a broad street where you can’t fall off no matter what. But in reality life is a very narrow meandering path where you easily can slip off and never know what awaits you behind the next corner. You are almost forced to make mistakes and fail at some points despite being focused as you go.
Dan, I like to suggest an input to one of your sentences. You wrote; “The older you get the more you see what you could have done, but didn’t.”. I suggest to add: “… but didn’t or couldn’t”. From my experience I can say that some people are literally prevented of pursuing an intended path.
Need to extend my reflections on this topic. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Eddie. I respect your feedback and thoughtful way of approaching things.
The idea that we easily “fall off the path” is useful, especially when falling off the path isn’t a bad thing, but an opportunity.
Dan, your post reminds me of a favorite book, Leadership and the Art of Self-Deception…. Great reminder that we not only dampen others’ motivation but we also damage the relationship when you hold onto past challenges. Thx for the inspiration!
Wow, perfect timing for me to stumble upon your words tonight! I lead teens (‘nuf said….) I’ve been struggling with attendance and follow through. We hit a rough patch over the weekend, and I’ve been “fed up and discouraged” with them, but you reminded me that the buck stops here, and I let it happen. I need to refocus on their POTENTIAL, that they CAN keep commitments. I have to change MY behavior, focus on the positive and show them how awesome the future of our group can be rather than let the past disappointments weigh us down. So, we’ll get a second chance, but I need help on guiding them to know whether they really have a passion for getting where they say they want to go….
My son is 29 and he’s a heroine addict.In and out of jail. Its a mess. He’s out of jail now,and he started doing drugs again. I want him healed ,I want him to be “normal” now, I want him to love God now. I want these things on my time, …..help me please.
Outstanding post, Dan. Once again you’ve “hit the nail on the head.” Owning the past is a great thing from a personal standpoint–it enables one to move ahead. Leaders who can help their employees own past mistakes and stop blaming others for their failures. When they are able to do that, both grow and benefits. Thanks again for a great post!
Hi Dan great article and deserving comments in great responses. From a recruitment perspective; as the position became more senior coupled with key objectives the more I focused upon ‘what can you do for us and when will you become effective’ I agree, even though there are lessons to be learned, do not dwell on yesterday. Kind Regards Raymond http://www.mycaski.com
H Dan, nice article. This reminds me of an article I recently wrote (24-Jan-2015), please allow me to quote a line “Neither sadness nor depression can change the past life; the truth is, past life does not exist in the present. If you memory is visiting the past because of bad decisions or regret of certain actions, please be clear you cannot undo the decision or action.”
http://successvalues.com/forgive-forget/
With your this great article, I will edit my post and backlink to yours. Thank you
Forward facing content is excellent I must remember this verbiage as I develop my coaching skills. Great share
Great post – I can’t count the times I’ve sat across the table and said “God has made time forward moving, so we must also. Learn, grow, move forward.” Recognizing and nurturing the potentials for good is a wonderful gift of leadership.